John Oxenford

“ THWAITES. Thwaites, at your service, sir. Cards ain’t common in our business; but my address is——
WHITE. Of your address, Mr. Thwaites, I have not the slightest doubt. But I would speak a word with you.
THWAITES. And I’ll listen if you talk for an hour. If I take up the newspaper, is it to read about politics? No! About plays?—No, I should rather think not! About pictures? bother, no! I look to see if Mr. Whitewash has been saying something for some poor devil in the Central Criminal Court. ”

“ Really, my dear Miss de Windsor we should do wrong to check this diffusion of intelligence among the masses.
Enter DE WINDSOR, C. from L. C.
DE W. He is here—is he—the dear boy. I must shake him by the hand. (rushes forward, R. C. and grasps THWAITES by the hand) Eh! ha! ha! You’re not Whitewash! Ridiculous! I’m always making myself ridiculous; I’ve too much heart. You feel what I mean, Whitewash. ”

“ My dear sir, a thousand—thousand thanks!
Exit AGATHA, C.
PAWKINS. A thousand, thousand thanks!—my dear sir, too! Uncommon pretty behaved young person!—a child will take a deal of whipping afore it gets up to that pint of good manners. A shilling slipped in one’s hand [Pg 9] would have given a finishing touch to the compliment; but one can’t have it all one’s own way; then her pretty smile were worth more nor a shilling a precious sight. Ah, bless her heart! ”

“ WHITE. But surely, you understand, my dear sir, that when one speaks professionally——
DE W. Sir, no one has business to tell lies, professionally or not; a man should always speak what he thinks. I follow the dictates of my heart, and I always speak what I think; my heart is in my heart, and my heart is in my mouth. ”

“ PAWKINS. I can’t make any on ’em out!
WHITE. (whispers PAWKINS) If so much as a salt-spoon is missing you are a dead man!
Exeunt WHITEWASH and AGATHA, C., off L.
PAWKINS. (R. C.) I say, gov’ner, about our young friend here; when he’s on the spree like, as he is now, don’t you think he’s a bit cranky? Do you think all’s right here? (touching his head) If I behaved like that to my young woman, wouldn’t there be a row neither.
DE W. (aside) Ha! the card table! A trap I didn’t think of! I say, Mr. Pawkins, have you any objection to a hand at cards? ”

“ But an honest man, sir, should have nothing to do with clients that don’t come into court with clean hands.
WHITE. My dear Mr. De Windsor, borrow a little wisdom from your own business. If everybody had clean hands, what would become of the soap trade?
DE W. Go, go, and defend every pickpocket, forger, coiner, housebreaker, in London. I don’t want to hinder you, I only say that I won’t give my daughter to a man [Pg 13] who makes respectable people blubber till they are shoved out of court, on purpose to defeat the ends of justice. ”

“ THWAITES. (comes forward, L.) So, Mr. Pawkins, it was Mrs. Ferguson’s Jemima, was it? Are you aware, sir, that I pay my attentions in that quarter? Are you aware that I’m Thwaites?
PAWKINS. Are you, indeed?—who says you ain’t? There ain’t no advantage in being Thwaites, as I sees—I don’t want to be Thwaites. You’re one of them swells as takes out a young ’oman on a holiday, and grumbles at the expense all the blessed way there, and all the blessed way back;—you prefers the ha’penny boat to the penny, and you prefers walking to heither. ”

“ I’ve a bit of news for you;—Tango will have my daughter—ha, ha, ha! (pokes WHITEWASH in the ribs)
WHITE. (L. C.) What, sir! you, a man of heart, who have given your word to me——
DE W. Yes, if Pawkins turned out all right; but he don’t—he don’t—he don’t—ha, ha, ha!
WHITE. Mr. De Windsor, allow me to remark, that an innocent man’s character is not to be impugned without sufficient ground. Come here, Pawkins. (whispers to him, “Brazen it out”) Pawkins, a malignant slanderer says you are fishy, but you ain’t, are you? ”

“ PAWKINS. (L.) Come, I say, master, this ’ere won’t do: when I looks black, you makes me white; and when I’m whitened, you makes me black: I’ve a jolly good mind to——
WHITE. Oh, go to the devil!
Enter THWAITES, C. from L., with a letter.
THWAITES. (to WHITEWASH) Please, sir, a knowin’ party, as calls himself your clerk, has brought this. (gives letter to WHITEWASH; WHITEWASH opens letter at first with indifference, but proceeds to read with eagerness; DE WINDSOR, AGATHA, and FERGUSON come forward, R.)
DE W. (R. C.) My dear, this matter is settled; you shall be the wife of Mr. Tango. ”

“ Look here, my dear, sir, you are a man of heart—I may say, a noble creature—and it’s one of the specific weaknesses of noble creatures, to fancy everybody else as noble as themselves. Now, suppose this favourite of yours, this Pawkins, were really a little light fingered ”

“ Exuberant—unsophisticated creature!
WHITE. Oh, perfectly unsophisticated! I only wish he had not fixed on the only head dress in the room that gives a notion of positive value? No, no, I must not hesitate any longer. ”

“ WHITE. (rises) Here? To your house? A fellow with the taint of the dock fresh upon him!
DE W. A taint that he did not merit—a taint that you have so nobly removed. (rises)
WHITE. (aside) Oh, this is an old fool!
Enter AGATHA, C., and down, L.
AGATHA. (L.) Oh, papa, they are nearly all assembled in the other room.
DE W. (C.) Come along then—come along, that I may [Pg 8] introduce you as my son-in-law. Come, defender of persecuted innocence! ”

“ WHITE. They say we were found in a cupboard at three o’clock in the morning. Well, we admit the trivial fact, we were in the cupboard.
PAWKINS. No, no, no!
WHITE. Though we have every high virtue, we are still but human; we have hearts not altogether unsusceptible to female beauty. (FERGUSON comes forward, R., in great agitation) Do you now persist in asking why we were in the cupboard? Well, then, we were there for the sake of one of the fair sex.
FERGUS. But, sir, there is a husband——
PAWKINS. Now he’s done it!
WHITE. A husband! Do you call that a husband? As Mr. ”

“ PAWKINS. (following him up) Well, I didn’t know it was your father-in-law—and if it is, what’s the hodds? This ’ere Mr.—summat in the fancy soap line, sends me a hinwite, and so I comes with the tongs in my pocket—well, it turns out he don’t want the tongs, but he’s taken a likin’ to me. That arn’t no fault o’ mine is it? I never tries to be extra agreeable. ”