John Oxenford

“ MRS. F. The very thing I dread; he not only lets me have my own way, but every one else too. He is the confidant of all the young ladies in the village; the very servants ask his advice on every single point, and he gives it—is never affronted.
JULIA. Dear, good-natured soul!
MRS. F. There’s that Fanny Pepper has innumerable points to consult him upon—a forward slut, who apes me in everything. If I wear ringlets, she wears ringlets—makes her caps like mine. ”

“ JULIA. I forget, I am sure—and the terrestial globe is gone to be repaired. (pointing to cover, which conceals FANNY.) It seems to have come home.
HOLD. Take off the cover, Euclid.
EUCLID. (aside.) Another incident! No, no—this globe is dreadfully inaccurate—full of mistakes.
MRS. F. Nonsense, dear, it will do.
EUCLID. No, no, no.
JULIA. How very warm he is.
MRS. F. What is come to you? I may look at it, and will!
EUCLID. No, no; don’t touch it!
[Pg 18]
MRS. F. But, Mr. Euclid, I insist—
HOLD. True, true—the globe was made to be looked at. Let us settle our dispute. ”

“ TOM. Yes, and Reginald de Mowbray is a much prettier name than Ralph Reckless, but where was I? Oh, a feigned name. Well, the young lady’s governess finds out the correspondence, and very properly sends her to her guardians, who takes her into the country, also very properly; give up this scheme, sir—
RECK. Not I; when I have found the retreat of my charmer, the cavern where the treasure is hid, shall I be craven knight enough to fear the dragon that guards it? No, man, not I—so if you have not better advice to give, we’ll change the subject. What the devil is that great basket for? ”

“ EUCLID. Joking, eh! It’s all very fine for you to pretend you didn’t know a man was in that basket.
FANNY. Oh, a very fine trick. Ah, no, you are in fun; [Pg 13] there was a note tied; I have it in my pocket. (pulls it out.) There, sir; pardon me blushing if it says anything soft.
EUCLID. (reading.) “Dear Fan—
FANNY. Deceitful wretch!
EUCLID. “Inclosed herewith you have my master.”
FANNY. (screams.) Oh!
EUCLID. Don’t scream—don’t scream! We shall be hanged if you scream.
FANNY. Oh, dear! oh, dear, oh, dear! Let me look; m-a-s, mas—t-e-r, ter—master. It’s right—oh, dear! oh, dear! (sobs.) ”

“ EUCLID. Then there’s nobody killed, tol-de-rol! Fanny, there’s nobody killed.
Enter MRS. FACILE and JULIA, R.
JULIA. De Mowbray!
RECK. Reckless, dear Julia, if you please.
HOLD. Yes, my dear, he is a gentleman of whom I approve, and you may take him as soon as you please.
TOM. And, Fanny, we cannot do better than follow so good an example. (takes her hand.)
FABLE. A monstrous pleasant joke. Catch me here again in a hurry.
HOLD. What’s all this about a basket?
EUCLID. Why this gentleman has been twice killed. I’ll tell you all at breakfast ”

“ It is a fine thing to be a victim of cruelty at seventeen. And now as you are so fond of giving advice, let me ask you why you are so very severe to that unfortunate little man, your husband?
MRS. F. What you call severity, arises from my strict sense of propriety, of which I am sorry to say, Mr. Facile has not so strict a sense.
JULIA. No! why for all I can see, the poor dear little man does nothing but sit with his mathematical books before him all day, looking just like our geography master. Then he is such a very easy man. ”

“ TOM. Come, this will do; though its utility exceeds its beauty; a confoundedly ugly basket, though destined to hold most rare contents: several sugar loaves, a canister of tea—black and green, almonds and raisins in abundance, coffee, rice, and spices, bars of soap, starch and powder, blue enough to stock a small shop. Dear Fanny! if her heart is not won by such a store of valuables, it is indeed hard.
Enter RECKLESS, L. H.
RECK. Ha, ha, ha, I’ve found her—What you here?
TOM. Yes, sir. ”

“ FANNY. Thank’ye, sir, thank’ye, sir, for throwing my basket out of window. That faithless monster’s present; I wish he had been here, I’d have asked Mr. Facile to throw him after it; I’m sure he’d have done it, he is so good-natured.
[Exit, L. H.
EUCLID. Ha! ha! a whimsical request enough. See [Pg 11] what it is to be of an easy disposition. What the servants will ask next it is impossible to say. I have already written six letters for the footman, and read as many valentines for the women ”

“ EUCLID. (aside.) But I have no appetite.
Enter ROBERT, L.
ROBERT. (entering.) Please, Mr. Fable, your man says there’s not a lodging to be had in the village.
HOLD. How unfortunate, and every bed here is occupied. (FANNY, who is going in and out with supper things, during this dialogue enters R. with a tray.) Stop! I have it; that sofa will make up into a bed; you shall have that. (FANNY screams and drops the tray.)
FABLE. Capital family! servants drop the supper. ”

“ Snail! leave thy shell. In thy mistress’s house, Ralph Reckless, and suffer thyself to be packed up like a fish, and sent off as mute? No, no; I’ve given the lady my tailor’s card for a direction. Ha, ha, ha! (looks in closet.) what have we here?—a broken pestle and mortar, and a stone ball from the garden entrance. These shall go in the basket, (puts them in.) they will pass for me as well as I did for grocery. ”

“ How beautiful she did throw the thingummy-gig out of the window—that was fine now; I can give the devil his due. (goes to window.) But, oh! there’s a boat party—and, oh! there’s my admirer, Thomas—and, oh! he’s sitting by a female—and, oh! (hides her face.) how shocking, horrid, disgusting—he kissed her; it is so low-lived to kiss in the open air! He shall see how I’ll trim his jacket when I meet him again! I’ll give—but what’s this, a basket? M-i-ss, Miss—F-a-n, Fan-n-y-ny, Fanny—Miss Fanny P-e-p, Pep—Miss Fanny Pep-p-e-r, per—Miss Fanny Pepper. ”

“ RECK. Dear, kind madam!
MRS. F. I will assist you to get out, I say. Return [Pg 9] into that basket; two of the footman shall carry you out to any place you may name, no one shall know of your being here.
RECK. (aside.) Oh, curse such kindness! Madam, consider—get into the basket again? I have a pattern of the wicker work impressed upon me from head to foot at present, independent of the lumps and bruises I have received.
MRS. F. I can offer no other alternative. I cannot encourage your addresses to Miss Julia; then I must consider my own character. ”

“ Because a few page scans had text cut off next to the margin, this transcription has been compared with the text posted by the Victorian Plays Project at:
victorian. nuigalway.ie
In general, this transcription attempts to retain the punctuation and spelling of the source text. Variant spellings have been retained, including “calender,” “terrestial,” “accomodation,” and “dosing” (for “dozing”) , as have inconsistent spellings such as “lattitude” and “latitude.” Obvious errors have been corrected. The use of “its” and “it’s” has been made consistent. ”