George M. Baker

“ Harry. Ah, the elephant on another frolic!
Pat. Frolic—is it? Bedad, it must be paid for, ony how. An’ so, owld gint, I’ll jist throuble yez for the damages—to mesilf, a broken constitution, Biddy, a wake’s washin’ intirely spoiled, and the childers, bliss their dirthy faces! for a scare, an’ the fright to the pig, an’ the broken fence. Come down, owld gint. Them as jig must pay the piper.
Bias. Das a fac’, das a fac’. Down wid de dust, ole gint, for de dust dat ar bullephant kicked up.
Silas. Never! Not a cent! Get out of my house! You’re a pair of knaves. There is no elephant about here. ”

“ Drinking is the meanest kind of enjoyment, and the dearest, too. I’m going to try and reform the old gentleman.
Johnny. Are you? Well, you’ve got a big job.
[77]
Harry. Perhaps not. His bidding for the elephant has given me an idea.
Johnny. It gave me an idea he was purty far gone.
Harry. Yes. We will make him believe he bought the elephant.
Johnny. What good will that do?
Harry. I think we’ll turn the animal into a temperance lecturer. Come with me. Let’s see your mother and Sally, and arrange matters before your father appears.
Johnny. Yes. But I want ter go after the woodchuck.
Harry. ”

“ Harry. Come, Johnny, let’s look after him. I’m [81] afraid he will get into more mischief. Will you have a look at him, Mr. Somerby?
Silas. Look at him? Never! Find me a way to get rid of him, quick!
Harry. That’s not such an easy matter. Nobody would take the gift of him; and nobody but a fool would buy him.
Mrs. S. That’s a fact. O, my eggs! my eggs! Eighty dozen, all ready for market!
Sally. Law sakes! that elephant has made me forget the breakfast things. (Clears away the table, carrying things off, L.)
Harry. I suppose you want him to have plenty of hay?
Silas. ”

“ It’s a big critter, and should have a big name.
Harry. You don’t understand me. I told you Sheriff Brown was looking for you. There are about a dozen complaints lodged against you already. This is likely to be a costly affair.
Silas. Sheriff Brown—complaints—costly affair! Why, what do you mean? Isn’t it bad enough to be caught with an elephant on your hands?
Harry. Well, your elephant, not being acquainted in this part of the country, got out of the road a little in travelling towards his present quarters. For instance, he walked into Squire Brown’s fence, and carried away about a rod of it. ”

“ Mrs. S. We shall all be eaten alive. O, the monster!
Silas. Confound him, I’ll pepper him! Let me get my gun! (Going, R.)
Harry. No, no. ’Twould be dangerous to shoot.
Johnny. Let him have a dose, dad.
Harry. No, no. Silence! He’s here!
Enter, L., Pat and Bias, as the elephant. [For description of its manufacture, see note on page 92.] It enters slowly, passes across stage at back, and exit, R.
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Mrs. S. O, the monster!
Sally. He’s gone straight into the parlor. He’ll smash everything. O, my vases, my vases!
Silas. (Aside.) Confound the critter, I’ll have one shot at him. ”

“ A lie? Troth, I’ll jist bring Biddy and the childer to tistify to the truth—so I will.
Silas. Shut up! Clear out! If you want damages, you can have them. I’m getting my dander up, and shall sartinly damage both of yer.
Bias. Don’t you do it, don’t you do it. De law will fix you, old gent.
Pat. Begorra, I’ll spind me intire fortune, but I’ll have justice.
Silas. Are you going?
Pat. To a lawyer, straight. I blush for yez, owld gint, I blush for yez.
[Exit, L.
Bias. Dat ar wagon, and dat ar hoss, and dem ar goods, and de ole lady must be repaired. So de law [87] will tell yez, Massa Somebody. ”

“ Missey Pearson was h’isted onto de fence, an’ dat ar bullephant was a chasin’ dat ar hoss ober de wagon, an’ a trampin’ round an’ chawin’ up things fine, I tell yer. Golly! such a mess! Dat’s what de matter. Lost eberyting. Wouldn’t a taken sebenty-five dollars for dat ar wagon. An’ dat ole lady, guess she’s shook all to pieces.
Silas. And you expect me to pay for this!
Bias. Ob course, ob course. If old gents will sow dar wild oats wid bullephants, dey must expect to pay for de thrashin’. ”

“ Harry. So, boys, you got a little more than you bargained for; but I’ll fix that all right.
Silas. I’ll pay all damages there, glad to get off so easily in my adventure with the elephant. I’ve one request to make. Don’t let this story spread.
Harry. You can rely upon my silence.
Mrs. S. Marcy sakes, Silas, it ain’t much to boast on!
Sally. It shall be a family legend.
Pat. Be jabers, I wouldn’t blab till I was deaf and dumb!
Bias. Dis yer pusson can hold his hush.
Silas. Thank you. And you (to audience) , can I depend upon you? The old man begins late, but he is bound to reform ”

“ Silas. Shet up! if you don’t, I’ll harness up old Jack, and clear out.
Mrs. S. For another spree? O, you wretch! ain’t you ashamed of yourself, to set sich an example to the young uns? And that critter you sent home! Do you want us to be devoured?
Silas. Critter! critter! What critter?
Mrs. S. O, you know well enough; and I guess you’ll find you’ve made a poor bargain this time. I always told [79] you rum would be your ruin; and if you don’t see the poorhouse staring you in the face afore night, I’m very much mistaken.
Enter Harry, L.
Silas. What on airth are yer talking about? ”

“ Mrs. S. I’ll woodchuck yer! (Taking him by the ear.) What d’ ye mean by keeping out er the way all the morning—hey?
Johnny. O! Quit, now! You hurt!
Mrs. S. Hope I do. You jest stir out er this room till I’ve done with yer, if you dare! (Sits in rocking-chair, and rocks violently.) Sakes alive! It’s enough to drive one ravin’ distracted! There’s yer father sleeping like a log, and it’s arter eight o’clock! ”

“ SEEING THE ELEPHANT
CHARACTERS. Silas Somerby, a Farmer, occasionally addicted to the bottle. Harry Holden, his right-hand Man. Bias Black, a Teamster. Pat Murphy, a Laborer. Johnny Somerby, Silas’s Son. Rachel Somerby, his Wife. Sally Somerby, his Daughter.
COSTUMES. Silas, dark pants, short, thick boots, yellow vest, a towel pinned about his neck, gray wig, face lathered.
Harry, gray pants, blue shirt, black neckkerchief, dark coat. ”