Gideon Wurdz

“ REFORM In general, a periodic epidemic, starting with marked heat, followed by a high fever, and accompanied by a flow of ink in the newspapers, a discharge of words from the face and a rush of blood to the polls, leaving the victim a chronic invalid until the next campaign. In New York, reform has been confined to a Low attempt at government.
REFORMER One who, when he smells a rat, is eager to let the cat out of the bag. ”

“ OCEAN An old toper who is always soaked, has many a hard night along the coast, floats many a schooner, lashes himself into a fury because so frequently crossed, and has his barks in every port. At sea, the king of the elements ”

“ If it's cash for your tailor, heed the post-office warning, "Don't send money through the mails." Wait until you happen to meet him on the street. If he sees you first, you lose.
First-class Matter.
Anything you are ashamed to have the postmaster or postmistress read, and therefore seal up, is known as first-class matter. Also, postal cards, where you're only allowed to argue on one side. If you think your letter should travel slowly, invest ten cents in a Special Delivery Stamp. This will insure a nice, leisurely journey, lasting from one to two days longer than by the cheap two-cent route. ”

“ CALCIUM An earthly light that brightens even the stars.
CANNIBAL A heathen hobo who never works, but lives on other people.
CAPTIVATE From Lat. caput, head, and Eng. vacate, or empty,—to empty the head. Note, Women who have captivated men. ”

“ SUN A yellow arrival from Way Down East, who goes west daily, operates a heating and lighting trust, draws water, prints pictures, develops crops, liquidates the ice business and tans skins on the side. Profits by his daily rays and always has a shine. ”

“ LAUGH A peculiar contortion of the human countenance, voluntary or involuntary, superinduced by a concatenation of external circumstances, seen or heard, of a ridiculous, ludicrous, jocose, mirthful, funny, facetious or fanciful nature and accompanied by a cackle, chuckle, chortle, cachinnation, giggle gurgle, guffaw or roar. ”

“ An undesirable thing to have on hand.
It's a wise son who can get two birds with One Bone.
There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to Fortune—But most of us catch our watered stock on the ebb. ”

“ Fortune knocks only once at a man's door—And she's the worst Knocker in the world.
Brevity is the soul of wit—and the sole charm of of a bicycle skirt.
TAILOR One who takes your measure on first sight, gives you a fit, sews you up and follows suit until paid. ”

“ PIANO A tool frequently used in building a Rough House.
PIN The best dresser in a woman's acquaintance—of remarkable penetration and true as steel, seldom loses its head, follows its own bent and carries its point in whatever it undertakes. ”

“ ADVICE A commodity peddled by your lawyer and given away by your mother-in-law, but impossible to dispose of yourself. Famous as the one thing which it is "More blessed to give than receive." GOOD ADVICE Something old men give young men when they can no longer give them a bad example. ”

“ PITY An emotion awakened in a man's mind when he beholds the children of a woman who might have married him instead.
PLATONIC LOVE An arrangement in which a man and woman attempt a correct imitation of a pair of icicles—and never succeed. ”

“ CHUMP Any one whose opinion differs radically from ours.
CIGARETTE A weed whose smoke, some say, should never be inhaled, and still more insist should never be exhaled.
CINDER One of the first things to catch your eye in travelling.
CIVILIZATION An upward growth or tendency that has enabled mankind to develop the college yell from what was once only a feeble war-whoop.
COLLECTOR A man whom few care to see but many ask to call again. ”

“ JUDGE One who sits on a bench in a court, frames sentences and finishes crooks for a living, and swears continually.
JULEP An insidious friend from the South, who hands you a mint and gives you a sweet spirit, followed shortly by a Bun.
JURY Twelve men chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.
JUSTICE Fair play; often sought, but seldom discovered, in company with Law.
A chip of the old block—A daughter of the Tenderloin.
One man's meat is another man's finish—Canned Beef in Cuba. ”

“ After writing it, place it in a square or oblong envelope—round ones are no longer fashionable—seal it on the back and write a legible address on the front; then take a two-cent stamp, give it a good licking and retire it to the corner—the upper, right-hand corner, on the outside—never inside, as the postmaster is not a clairvoyant. Drop it in a letter-box and trust to luck. If it's a love letter, it will probably reach her all right, for Cupid is a faithful postman and carries a stout pair of wings. ”

“ When a man begins to see snakes and one head looks like three, it's a cinch he's not far from Hell.
CHARON. The gloomy gondolier of the Styx, who carried the dead to the Other World—if they paid him first.
And even to-day, he who patronizes Rapid Transit must pay his fare in advance. ”

“ ONION The all-round strength champion of the Vegetable Kingdom, garlic and cabbage being close rivals.
OPERA A drama that has taken on airs and refuses to speak, yet always sings its own praises. GRAND OPERA An excuse for displaying several boxes of jewelry and peaches with pedigrees.
OPINION The prodigal son of Thought. PUBLIC OPINION The world's champion pugilist, who has knocked out Law in many a hard fought bout. ”

“ MOON The only lighting monopoly that never made money.
MORTGAGE From Fr. mort, death, and Eng. gag, to choke. A lawyer's invention for choking property to death.
MOSQUITO A small insect designed by God to make us think better of flies.
MOTH An unfortunate acquaintance who is always in the hole. And the only ones who try to get him out are his enemies.
MOUSE
The frequent cause of a rise in cotton.
All gone to 6's and 7's—Ladies' Footwear in Chicago.
Time and tide wait for no man—But time always stands still for a woman of thirty. ”

“ Shed daily in Chicago abattoirs but never spilled in French duels.
GOSSIP Derived either from the Grk. gups, vulture, or Fr. gosier, wind-pipe. Hence, a vulture that tears its prey to bits, or an exercise of the wind-pipe from which every victim gets a blow.
GOUT The undesirable scion of High Living, which frequent the lowest joints and is mentioned only in the Invalid's Foot-Notes.
GOWN From Lat. gaudium, joy. A thing of beauty and a joy forever; if from Paris, generally an article of some Worth.
GUNPOWDER A black substance much employed in marking the boundary lines of nations. ”

“ SELF-MADE Complimentary term for a respectable crook.
SHAMROCK A three-time loser as a racer at sea, but a four-time winner as an "ad." for tea—and Sir T.
SHEPHERD One who depends on a crook for a living.
SHIRT Every man's bosom friend.
SILVER A metallic form of opium, smoked by Presidential impossibilities.
SINNER A stupid person who gets found out.
SNAP A brisk, energetic quality that enables a man with ginger to take the cake.
SNORE An unfavorable report from headquarters.
SOROSIS A female gas company that lays its pipes on cultivated grounds. ”

“ ARTIST Commonly, the individual long haired and short-suited, having a positive pose and an uncertain income. Often shy on meal-tickets but strong on technique and the price of tripe sandwiches. An artist may be a barber, a boot-black, a Sargent or a Paderewski.
ATHLETE
A dignified bunch of muscles, unable to split wood or sift the ashes.
AUGUR One who bored the ancients with prophecies. ”

“ DIPLOMAT An international liar, with an elastic conscience and a rubber neck.
DISCOUNT Something often sold in place of goods.
DISCRETION An instinctive perception that enables us to say, "Oh, shut up!" to the small, weak man, and "I beg your pardon, but I do not entirely agree with your views," to the large, strong one. ”

“ PEARL A small round product manufactured by an oyster, bought by a lobster and worn by a butterfly.
PENITENT From pen, meaning to write, and intent, meaning determination. One who determines for the right.
PESSIMIST One who paints things blue. And sometimes red.
PHILISTINE In Bible times, one who worried the children of Israel; today, one who worries only himself. From Grk. phloios, bark, and tino, to punish. One who barks to punish.
PHILANTHROPIST One who returns to the people publicly a small percentage of the wealth he steals from them privately. ”

“ PLUMBER One who ascertains the capacity of your purse, soaks you with a piece of lead and gets away with the money—a process vulgarly known as "a lead-pipe cinch."
POLE-CAT A small animal to be killed with a pole, the longer the pole the better. ”

“ CROOK One who exceeds the speed limit in Law & Order Ave. A Misfit in the Straight and Narrow Way.
CROW A bird that never complains without caws.
CULTURE A degree of mental development that produces tailor-made women, fantastically-sheared poodles and dock tailed horses.
CUPID A driver of sharp darts.
CUPIDITY A driver of sharp deals.
CYNIC A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
All work and no play makes Jack A Dead One.
Out of fight, out of coin.—The Pugilist's Plaint. ”

“ A day when the lowliest may make their mark and even beggars may ride; when the Glad Mit gets promiscuous and everything is full—particularly the lodging-houses.
ENCORE A greedy theatre-goer's desire to get more than his money's worth. From the Fr. en, among, and cochon, pig,—common among pigs.
ENGAGEMENT In war, a battle. In love, the salubrious calm that precedes the real hostilities.
ENTHUSIAST One who preaches four times as much as he believes and believes four times as much as a sane man ought to.
EPITAPH A statement that usually lies above about the one who lies beneath. ”

“ He is often stuck up in company, but frequently blows himself when he has his grippe. Principal occupations, sniffling, snivelling, sneezing, snorting and scenting, intruding in the neighbors' affairs, stuffing himself without permission and bleeding for others.
NOTE (PROMISSORY) "The substance of things long hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
NOVEL A fabric that is often (k) nit in print, though the yarn be well spun.
NURSE
One who keeps setting up the drinks after you're all in. ”

“ BIRDIE A term a woman is apt to apply to a man she is playing for a jay.
BIRTHDAY Anniversary of one's birth. Observed only by men and children.
BLUBBER The useful product of a dead whale. The useless product of a live baby. ”

“ NECK A close connection between chin and chest, used for the display of linen, silk, furs, jewelry and skin, fitted with gullet, windpipe, hunger and thirst, and devoted to the rubber industry.
NEGRO One who votes your way. NIGGER One who doesn't.
NEIGHBOR One who knows more about your affairs than yourself. ”

“ One who fails to arrive.
METER The gas man's trysting place. "Meet her in the cellar!"
MIND No matter. MATTER Never mind.
MINE A hole in the ground owned by a liar.
MINSTREL A footlight foul that makes its nightly lay in every city.
MIRACLE A woman who won't talk.
MIST Generally, a small, light rain. SCOTCH MIST A cloudburst.
MITTEN Something a tender-hearted girl gives a young man when she knows she is going to make it chilly for him.
MONEY Society's vindication of vulgarity.
MONOPOLY A modern device for impoverishing others. From Grk. monux, swift-footed, and polloi, the people. ”

“ DOCTOR One who lays you up.
DREAM What a man may call a woman, though a Pill may have suggested it. Sweethearts are dreams because they seldom come true; wives, because they're often a night-mare, and both because they go by contraries.
DRAFT (DRAUGHT) What gives a cold, cures a cold, and pays the doctor's bill.
DROP-STITCH A kind of feminine hosiery designed to prevent the men from paying too much attention to the open-work, "peek-a-boo" shirt-waist. ”

“ QUEEN One entitled to rule a nation, make up a deck, or beat a knave.
QUESTION Is marriage a failure?
QUEUE The only Mongolian line connecting America and China.
QUORUM A clumsy individual, all Ayes and Noes, who is seldom on hand when needed.
Faint heart never won fair lady—but a full purse can always pull the trick.
Man proposes, then woman imposes. ”

“ FOOT-PATH Chicago, Ill.
FOOTBALL A clever subterfuge for carrying on prize-fights under the guise of a reputable game.
FOREIGNER
One who is eligible to the police force. From Grk. fero, to carry off, and enara, spoils. One who carries off the spoils.
FORBEARANCE The spirit of toleration shown when a man who knows, patiently listens to a fool who does not. ”

“ MAN Something that "Goes first on four feet, then two feet, then three, but the more feet it goes on the weaker it be!"
MAN-ABOUT-TOWN One who is on speaking terms with the head waiter.
MANICURE The only woman who can beat a carpenter at soaking nails. ”

“ BASEBALL A game in which the young man who bravely strikes out for himself receives no praise for it.
BAT Senior partner of Bat, Ball & Co., and never found without the rest of the firm, as it takes several high-balls to make one short bat. ”

“ JIMMY An implement employed by men of acquisitive natures who cannot afford seats in the Stock Exchange.
JOB An uncertain commodity regulated by a Union Card.
JOCKEY From jog, to move slowly, and key, something that makes fast. Hence, one who makes the pace fast or slow, according to instructions. ”

“ TOUCH A habit common to the impecunious, causing in its victim a feeling of faintness, followed by a chill or a sense of loss.
TRANSFER A small bit of paper of remarkable strength, being able to carry a heavy man several miles. ”

“ Hence, an unattached man, which any lady may stick, stick to, or get stuck on.
BACKBITER A mosquito.
BALANCE Something wanted by book-keepers and often lost by topers. May be found in a cash-book or the kangaroo gait.
BANDIT An outlaw. See ALDERMAN.
BARBER A brilliant conversationalist, who occasionally shaves and cuts hair. Syn. for Phonograph.
BARS Things found in harbors, hotels, fences, prisons, courts and music. (Those found in courts and in music are full of beats) . ”