Harold Lawlor

“ I could be wrong, but I think wishing peace for him would only be like repairing a leak in a broken hose. He'll only break out some place else. Peace is something he will have to earn for himself, or it will never mean anything to him."
"Whether that's true or not," Connie said, "let's put that question aside for the moment. There are other things. Surely I could ask for an end of needless suffering? A cure for incurable diseases?"
"But, Connie," I objected, "you believe in some Greater Power, don't you?" ”

“ Connie said. "However, just to show you my heart's in the right place, would you like a drink?"
"I wish I had one right now," I said. And God knows I needed it.
Connie looked at the djinn. "I wish Pete could have his wish."
"Work, work, work," grumbled the djinn. "A body can't have a minute's rest." ”

“ Connie noted my scowl, and proceeded to pour oil on troubled waters.
"The djinn was only being complimentary," she said. "No need for you to be jealous all the time, Petey-weetie-sweelie."
"If there's one thing I can't abide," I said fretfully, my nerves quivering like the fringe on a bubble-dancer's G-string, "it's being called Petey-weetie- sweetie in front of strangers."
"Oh, come, now!" the djinn protested, looking somewhat hurt. "Don't look upon me as a stranger, I implore you! Until I grant your wife's wish, which automatically releases me, I'm practically one of the family." ”

“ Really, I marvel at you, Pete! You, too, Connie! Where is the famous Bartlett logic, the Bartlett quick wit?"
"You mean?"
"I mean there's a very easy, simple, quick way out of this difficulty," the djinn said slyly. "Pshaw! I'm disappointed in both of you! Think!"
Connie looked wary, but I said recklessly, "Name it!"
"All Mrs. B. has to do," the djinn said, spreading his hands expressively, "is wish for me to go away from here promptly." ”

“ I shouldn't care to arrogate to myself powers that belong more properly to what Pete calls a Greater Power. After all, I am not—" He broke off, bowing his head reverently.
"You mean," Connie said, "there are some wishes that even you could not grant?"
The djinn shrugged. "I do not know. I should not care, in any case, to put it to the test." And he said, with a cynicism that was tragic in its connotations, "Why can't you be like other humans? Contented with wishes for material things?" ”

“ Connie began at last conversationally, "I've often read stories about people who'd released djinns from bottles, and it really does seem to me that they're incredibly stupid. The releasers, I mean, not the stories or the djinns or the bottles. For consider! What do the releasers do? Do they consider even the minimum of intelligence in selecting their wish for the djinn to grant? They do not!" She answered herself, before we could open our mouths. "They wish for some silly thing like a million dollars, or something like that." ”

“ One thing about Connie, she isn't vindictive once she has made her point. She could very well have left Gloria just as she was, as a lesser, more spiteful, woman would have done. But instead she said, "I wish Gloria to be returned to her natural state at once!"
And, of course, the djinn obliged. Gloria opened her eyes almost immediately, and seemed considerably bemused to find herself attractive once more.
"Good heavens!" she said. "I must have been dreaming. Though how I could have possibly been dreaming while I was dancing—"
"Pete has that effect on all women," Connie murmured. ”

“ The thick mist rose higher still till it was hovering above us, grew denser, and began to form into a shape resembling something remotely human—something like that of the rubber man in the old Michelin tire advertisements.
It was no thing of great beauty, but if it wasn't a djinn, I thought dazedly, it was certainly a reasonable facsimile thereof. I stared at the thing, open-mouthed. I was speechless, I'll admit.
But Connie wasn't. Connie never is.
"See, Pete?" she said. "Your sneer, and your cheap cynicism!" ”

“ I echoed slowly. "But, Connie, after every war hasn't the world been just a little bit better? Oh, not right away, but eventually? Man has always built from destruction. He seems to learn no other way. Even the atomic age was ushered in on a wave of destruction."
Connie looked shocked. "But, Pete, surely you're not advocating war as a desirable thing!"
"No, of course not! But man seems to be a funny animal, Connie. He never appreciates something handed him on a silver platter. ”

“ Connie said plaintively. "We can't hang around here all day. This discussion must end right now. I'm going up to the cottage and change my clothes, and I dare anybody to try to stop me!"
And this time she didn't wait for further argument. She trudged through the sand as swiftly as may be, the djinn hovering tenaciously and smokily above her, while I perforce brought up the rear of this weird caravan, moaning unhappily to myself, and grimly determined to leave neither of them out of my sight if it killed me. ”

“ I went on, "you had something happen to you that could happen not just once in a lifetime, but once in a millennium. You were given the power to have every wish of yours gratified immediately. So far, you've just amused yourself indiscreetly, but no doubt you believe that you can ask of the djinn a number of things which he will immediately see that you get?"
"Of course," Connie said.
"Of course," said the djinn. "It his always been my policy to give the customer just a little bit more than the next man." ”

“ Even the djinn looked somewhat taken aback. "I can think of sillier things," he said defensively.
"Well, perhaps a million dollars isn't so very silly," Connie hedged.
"You're tootin', baby," I said. "For a minute there I thought you'd gone crazy in a big way."
"But the point I'm trying to make is this," Connie went on, patient with my levity. "These people just wish for something sil—something like that, and they neglect to wish for what seems to me to be the most obvious wish of all. One that should occur to anybody immediately, with little or no thought. ”

“ Connie said ominously. "Superior, beasts, men. Lords of creation. But if they're so brilliant, why didn't any of them ever wish for a wish like this?"
I looked at the djinn. "Well, I guess we've postponed the evil moment as long as we could. Shall we proceed?" ”

“ Connie said. "I'm merely going to wish a wish. A quite reasonable, logical wish that would occur to any woman. All the men who've opened djinn bottles, with all their fine masculine blather about logic, poor things, have never wished a wish like this." ”

“ I asked.
"The wish, stupid, the wish!"
"Business, always business," the djinn said, gloomy once more. "Well let's get on with it then. The sooner I grant your wish, the faster I can take a powder. What can I do for you? Seeing it's you, it'll be a pleasure almost, despite my griping."
And he looked almost amiable, even indulgent.
Connie thanked him, but she was not to be hurried. She likes to talk over all sides of a question before acting, Connie does. In fact, she likes to talk, period. ”

“ And wasn't it at the shore that we found the bottle of amethyst glass? And wasn't it after we found the amethyst glass bottle with its surprising contents that all our troubles began?
"Well, then!" Connie has a way of saying, ending the argument.
Surely you can see that such logic is irrefutable? Particularly if you're a married man yourself? ”

“ I don't know what brought Gloria Shayne to that particular hotel at that particular time. I don't even want to know. I prefer to remain in ignorance of a grim and unrelenting Fate that holds these things in store for a man to tantalize him to the point of madness. ”

“ Good Scotch, too.
"How is it?" asked the djinn professionally, with the air of a man beginning to take a little pride in his work.
"Delectable, delectable!" I muttered absently, my mind spinning like a waltzing mouse. I looked at Connie with awe. "You know, life could be beautiful, dear. I wish—"
"Don't go running a good thing into the ground," Connie warned maliciously. ”

“ People started coughing and gasping, and waving their hands in front of their faces, trying futilely to dispel the gray vapor that filled the place and seemed willfully bent upon choking them.
"Did you ever see such a fog?" they kept asking each other. They even asked us, thus confirming us in our belief that they suspected nothing. ”

“ I would have leaped unwittingly at the suggestion, but Connie forestalled me.
"Oh-ho, no you don't!" she cried. "Was I born yesterday? Don't think you can teach your grandmother how to suck eggs, djinn! I should tell you to go away before I've even wished a single profitable wish! Get lost with that idea, chump!"
The djinn lapsed into sullen impotence. I groaned aloud in my frustration. We seemed to have reached an impasse.
IV
But like many difficult problems, once attacked, the solution itself was so simple that it would have occurred to a Mongolian idiot. ”

“ Aren't women the darnedest?
Typogrphical ornament of a silhouette of a man.
This work is in the public domain in the United States because it was legally published within the United States (or the United Nations Headquarters in New York subject to Section 7 of the United States Headquarters Agreement) before 1964, and copyright was not renewed.
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