Harry Graham

“ If the natives CAN supply sufficient rubber to erase
The effect of such endeavours to instruct them
Tho' within the royal bosom a suspicion there may lurk
That these practices offend the sister-nations,
That one cannot safely advocate "the sanctity of work,"
By a policy of theft and mutilations,—
Yet wherever on the Congo Belgium's banner is unfurled,
Where the atmosphere is redolent and sunny,
[Pg 70] I am sure the Monarch's methods must be giving to the world
Some ideas upon the "sanctity of money!" ”

“ The gentlest, I'm certain, is that of the dentist!
[Pg 38]
VII THE MAN WHO KNOWS
How few of us contrive to shine
In ordinary conversation
As brightly as this human mine
Of universal information,
Or give mankind the benefit
Of such encyclopædic wit.
How few of us can lightly touch
On any topic one may mention
With so much savoir-faire, or such
Exasperating condescension;
Or take so lively a delight
In setting other people right.
Whatever you may do or dream,
The Man Who Knows has dreamt or done it;
If you propound some novel scheme,
The Man Who Knows has long begun it ”

“ He is born in the West, is the dentist,
And he speaks with a delicate twang,
When polite as a prince,
He requests you to "rinse,"
After gently removing a fang.
('Tis to save wear-and-tear to the mouth, one supposes,
That dentists consistently talk through their noses.)
He is painfully shy, is the dentist;
For he lives such a hand-to-mouth life.
When the sex known as "fair"
Comes and sits in his chair,
He will call for his sister or wife,
For a lady-companion or female relation,—
So strong is the instinct of self-preservation!
[Pg 37]
He's a talkative man, is the dentist ”

“ XIV KING LEOPOLD
("In dealing with a race that has been composed of cannibals for thousands of years, it is necessary to use methods that best can shake their idleness and make them realise the sanctity of labour."—King Leopold of Belgium on the Congo scandal.)
People call him "knave" and "ogre" and a lot of kindred names,
Or they label him as "tyrant" and "oppressor";
The majority must wilfully misunderstand his aims
To regard him in the light of a transgressor. ”

“ Will no one tell me why he sings
Such doleful melancholy lays,
Of withered summers, ruined springs,
Of happier bygone days,
And kindred topics, more or less
Designed to harass or depress?
[Pg 16]
That ballad in his bloated hand
Is of the old familiar blend:—
A faded flow'r, a maiden, and
A "brave kiss" at the end!
(The kind of kiss that, for a bet,
A man might give a Suffragette.) ”

“ To one who in a waking-dream
Awaits the next repast!
How tiresome and how long they feel,
Those hours dividing meal from meal!
For, like Othello, he must find
His "occupation gone," poor soul,
Who can but wander in his mind
When he requires a stroll;
A mental sphere, one may surmise,
Too cramped for healthy exercise. ”

“ His mouth stands open wide, and snares
The too intrusive fly.
Were he to close his jaws, no doubt,
The eyeglass would at once fall out.
His choice of clothes is truly weird;
His jacket, short, and negligée,
Is slit behind, as tho' he feared
A tail might sprout some day.
One's eye must be inured to shocks
To stand the tartan of his socks. ”

“ With a superior smile he caps
Your ev'ry statement with another,
If you have lost your voice, perhaps,
He knows a man who's lost his mother;
If you've a cold, 'tis not so bad
As one that once his uncle had. ”

“ With open mouth he slaked his drouth,
And loudly called for more.
[Pg 35]
He was the type that waiters know,
Who simply lives to feed,
Who little cares what food they show
If it be food indeed,
Who, when his appetite is low,
Falls back upon his greed.
For each man eats his fav'rite meats,
(Provided by his wife) ;
Or cheese or chalk, or peas or pork,
(For such, alas! is life!)
The rich man eats them with a fork,
The poor man with a knife.
[Pg 36]
VI. THE DENTIST
What a dangerous trade is the dentist's! ”

“ I THE FUMBLER
Gentle Reader, charge your tumbler
With anæmic lemonade!
Let us toast our fellow-fumbler,
Who was surely born, not made.
None of all our friends is "dearer"
(Costs us more—to be jocose—) ”

“ Is a thing that suits nor men nor brutes,
As the world should understand.
[Pg 34]
Such music baffles human talk,
And gags each genial guest;
A grillroom orchestra can baulk
All efforts to digest,
Till the chops will not lie still, but walk
All night upon one's chest. ”

“ No, for ev'ry leading actor
Who produces problem plays,
Is a most important factor
In the world of modern days.
Kings occasionally knight him,
Titled ladies take him up;
Even millionaires invite him
Out to sup.
Proudly he advances, trailing
Clouds of limelight from afar,
(Diffidence is not the failing
Of the true dramatic "star") .
What cares he for rank or fashion,
Politics or place or pelf?
He whose one prevailing passion
Is himself?
[Pg 24]
All the world's a stage, we know it ”

“ For no one is dryer than Francis the Friar,
When getting "outside the pail!"
Ho! Ho!
(Benedicimus!)
Sing Ho! for the nutbrown ale!
The Monk sits there, in his cell so bare,
And he lowers his tonsured head,
As he lifts the lid of the tankard hid
'Neath the straw of his trestle bed.
Sing Ho! Sink Hey!
From the break of day
Till the vesper-bell rings clear,
Of grave he makes merry and hastens to bury
His cares in the butt'ry bier!
Ho! Ho! ”

“ They contribute to the gaiety of nations,
Do they not?
They are harmless little people, tame and quiet,
Who will feed out of a fellow-creature's hand,
If he happens to provide them with a diet
Of a temperance and vegetable brand.
They can easily subsist—a thing to brag of—
In the draughtiest of sanitary huts,
On a "mute inglorious Stilson" and a bag of
Monkey-nuts.
Ev'ry faddist is, of course, an early riser;
When he leaves his couch (at 6 a. m. perhaps)
He will struggle with some patent "Exerciser,"
Until threatened with a physical collapse. ”

“ For, to tell the honest truth, he's a benevolent old man
Who attempts to do his "duty to his neighbour"
By endeavouring to formulate a philanthropic plan
Which shall demonstrate the "sanctity of labour."
There were natives on the Congo not a score of years ago,
Whose existence was a constant round of pleasure ”

“ And they showed them there was nothing that encouraged honest work
Like the loss of sev'ral toes or half a finger.
When they fancied that their womenfolk were lonely or depress'd,
They would chain them nice and close to one another,
And they thoughtfully abducted ev'ry baby at the breast,
To facilitate the labours of its mother.
[Pg 69]
So they made a point of parting ev'ry husband from his wife
And dividing ev'ry maiden from her lover;
If a workman drooped or sickened they would jab him with a knife,
And then leave him by the roadside to recover. ”