Harry Pleon

“ Venus. I will follow you everywhere, and should anyone ask who and what I am, you must say I am now betrothed to Venus. Then among the mortals you will be blameless.
Alph. Blameless? What would Jane say?
Venus. Ah, you have revealed your love’s name! I have but to ask in your streets, where does Jane, the lover of Alphonzo, live, lead me there; and, having arrived at her dwelling, she shall die! ”

“ Venus. Boozed! Is he a god?
Alph. Not quite; though sometimes it is a spirit.
Venus. Come, Alphonzo—come, join me in my [Pg 7] aerial flight to the regions far beyond these lowly worlds!
Alph. You’ll excuse—I can’t, I’ve made other arrangements. I am already engaged! I’ve got a girl!
Venus. I remember a bright-eyed mortal in the gardens. Is she your love?
Alph. Yes.
Venus. She must die! I myself will crush her!
Alph. (Aside.) I must drop Jane a postcard. (Aloud.) What do you want to crush her for?
Venus. Because she is in my path! And shall any mortal maid stand between you and I? ”

“ Be true to the one who loves you best.
Farewell, young spark, awake from seeming pain,
If this dream’s a lesson taught, you have not dreamt in vain!
Awake—Awake—Awake!
(Gong.—Flash.—Limelight off.)
Enter JANE and AUGUSTUS from Pavilion.
Jane. Oh, where is Alphonzo? Perhaps he’s killed himself through my treating him so unkindly.
Aug. But, my dear young lady——
Jane. Don’t “dear young lady me”! It’s all through you. (Trying to find Alphonzo.) I wonder where he is? I left him here. Ah, here he is! (Sees him.) Ah, he is asleep. Wake up, Alphonzo! You’ll catch a cold. Wake up. ”

“ Venus. I am Venus! I have many names in the outer world! It is I who rule the God of Love, I sway the hearts of all true lovers; in your world I have caused you poor mortals to burn for me—aye, and with an unconsuming, unquenchable fire! ”

“ Traitor!
(Business.—Alphonzo so frightened, he pushes brush in Augustus’s mouth. Augustus is also very frightened.)
Aug. I could swear I saw that statue move! Look it’s shaking its fists at me!
Venus. (Shaking her fists at Augustus.) Villain!
(Alphonzo much alarmed.)
Aug. There it is again! Oh, I’ve got ’em bad again!
Alph. Yes; you’ve got the jim-jams. What, sir—I’ve cut your chin off? Never mind, sir, don’t charge any extra.
Aug. Your kindness only exceeds your beauty! You’ve done it on purpose, because I cut you out with Jane.
Venus. (To herself, loud enough for Alphonzo to hear.) ”

“ SCENE III.—Same as Scene I, Act I.—Lights half down, lime on. ALPHONZO on ground, in the same position as he fell in the former scene.
VENUS speaks, through music—“Is this a dream?”
Venus. (Speaking to Alphonzo.) Ah, yours has been a troubled sleep, but now it’s almost done!
Your seeming worry here to-night I’m sure has caused much fun.
Our humble aim has been to show to-night,
That happiness can only spring from right.
You young spark, though barbering your grade is,
Fancy you’re Adonis when among the ladies. ”

“ If she can once get it into her marble head I’m a barber and keep a shop, I think she will turn up her nose at me, and then she’ll give me back that ring.
Enter AUGUSTUS, R. U. E. Enters shop.
Aug. Good morning, old fellow! I feel a little chippie this morning. (Sits in chair.) I wish I didn’t drink so much, don’t you know! Last night I had a fearful time after going to the Alhambra. (Alphonzo begins lathering him.) They’ve got a beautiful ballet there now. There’s a charming little girl there, who plays one of Venus’s doves. ”

“ Jane. (Annoyed.) Kiss you? Not I. When I kiss anyone it will be a fine, tall, handsome gentleman, someone who hasn’t lost all idea of chivalry!
Alph. (Taken back.) I didn’t mean what you said. I mean I didn’t say what I mean!
Jane. I won’t speak to you again. I will find a gentleman to take me home. (Aside.) Ah, here comes a gentleman from the Pavilion! I will speak to him, and make little Alphonzo jealous. I’ll serve him out for getting drunk.
Enter AUGUSTUS from refreshment-room.
Aug. Ah, here you are, Alphonzo, and this I presume is your young lady, don’t you know? ”

“ The shaver’s out, and we’ve got it all to ourselves.
Second R. Who’d have thought the barber bloke would have had the nous about him to cop hold of this statue?
First R. Won’t he look sick when he discovers it gone?
Alph. (Aside.) Yes, won’t I?
Enter HANDSAW in street, R. Looks in through crack in door.
First R. It’s a good job he left the door open! Who’d have thought he was smart enough to cop hold of that statue! Here it is, Jim! Now for it!
Hand. Like a sleuth hound I’ve tracked ’em, and this barber after all is one of ’em. He’ll be transported!
Jane and Alph. (Overhearing.) Oh? ”

“ What should I do with a live dead statue. (As he is saying this Venus goes to back of shop, and reappears in shop by aid of the vampire. Alphonzo does not see her for a moment.) I wonder if it’s gone? I’ll just take a peep through the window. (He crosses over, not seeing Venus. He gets by fireplace, when he suddenly sees her. He is so startled he half falls into fireplace, in doing so he grabs hold of the end of table and his trousers catch fire (trick) , sits on chair and it goes out. Business.) Hair cut or shampoo? ”

“ Exit into refreshment-room.
Alph. My word, what a dude he is! It’s a wonder he ain’t subdude sometimes, don’t you know. But it must be near my girl’s time. (Looks at watch.) She ought to have been here now. I hope she don’t meet that girl I have been dancing with. I must be above those things before her. What the eye don’t see the ear can’t see either. ”

“ Scene at back represents gardens, after the style of the Welsh Harp, Hendon.—Lights half down at commencement of the scene, which gradually gets darker and darker towards the end of scene.—Music as curtain goes up. “Is this a dream?”; and then waltz—piano.
ALPHONZO and AUGUSTUS are discovered dancing with two Girls (“sups.”) Others are waltzing as curtain rises. ”

“ When he holds up cloak, it entirely hides her from view. Music, forte.)
Hand. Now’s my time! (Enters.—Aside.) Now I’ve got you!
First R. Now we’ve got you!
(Lightning.—Gong.—Cloak falls, Venus has disappeared—she goes through vampire at back. Alphonzo falls over screen. Robbers and Handsaw look on in wonder. Jane fainting. Tableau. Close in. Flats in first grove.)
[Pg 10]
SCENE II.—Front Scene.—Clouds.
Enter HANDSAW, R.
Hand. Well, I can hardly believe my senses! There was the statue before my very eyes; there were the thieves in the very act of stealing the antique marble before my eyes ”

“ Yes; I wish I didn’t.
(Old Man rises, after being shaved. As he rises, a long knocking is heard at screen.—Lightning and gong.)
Man. Mercy, what was that?
Alph. I think we shall have rain. (Aside, in great excitement.) She’s waking up! What am I to do?
Venus. (Inside.) Alphonzo, release me!
Alph. (Terrified, but still putting a bold face on [Pg 8] the matter.) Good morning, sir; hope you had a nice shave. (Pushes him headlong out of shop.—Business.) Beg pardon, you nearly slipped! (Handsaw goes to assist Old Man to rise, and Alphonzo bangs the door to and locks.) ”

“ The only thing I wish I could only put my hand on the thieves as easily as I put my hand on you.
(Business.—Puts his hand on Alphonzo.)
Enter an OLD MAN, R. U. E. (super.) . He enters shop.
Man. A shave, please.
(Sits in chair. Alphonzo don’t know what he’s doing, goes to shave old man with fender, &c., and any silly business, ad lib.) ”

“ I believe they are all pretty well alive. Didn’t you ever hear of Peg million and Gill o’ beer?—him as makes a figure, and it comes to life? Do you know, I think I was made for something better than hard work? ”

“ Enter VENUS, R. U. E. (Limelight.)
Venus. (To Alphonzo.) Gentle youth, you brought me to life by the touch of the ring. I am thine.
Alph. (In astonishment.) Eh?
(Everyone aghast.—Picture.)
END OF ACT I.
ACT II.—THE DREAM. SCENE I.—Latherem’s Hairdresser’s Shop—Scene divided into two parts—L. half Latherem’s shop, with doors, R. and L.; window at back, with curtain, shaving chairs, shampooing table, &c.; table, chairs, &c. Screen at back. Fireplace, L., kettle on hob. R. half supposed to be street; barber’s pole outside shop door. Lights gradually up during scene. ”