Henry Arthur Jones

“ Matt. Well, here you are, on the first day of the year, after listening to a most eloquent sermon, after making a solemn resolution to give up all your bad habits——
Lucas. Excuse me, I expressly stated that I didn't mean to give up all my bad habits. And I don't call this a bad habit.
Matt. You don't call making love to a married woman a bad habit?!
Lucas. Of course in one sense it is a bad habit. But it isn't a bad habit in the sense that other bad habits are bad habits. Look at all the decent chaps who've been led into it! ”

“ Dolly. I don't see anything to laugh at.
Matt. Twelve miles in the snow—— I say, Doll, we're making a splendid start for the New Year! [Laughing.
Dolly. Dad! Will you please leave off? [Shaking his shoulder.] Will you be serious?
Matt. Yes, my dear!! [Pulling himself together and straightening his features.] Yes, I will. After all, it's a serious matter.
Dolly. It's very serious for me, in a neighbourhood like this!
Matt. It's serious for me, as I was Lucas's guardian. And it's serious for him. If he goes and plays the fool, it may spoil his career—the young ass! ”

“ Renie. After all, your husband isn't a machine. He is a human being!
Dolly. Oh, Harry's a perfect dear in most things, but he has got a temper!
Renie. My husband never even swears at me! Oh, Dolly, you are lucky! ”

“ Giving the bill to Matt.
Harry. Aren't you glad, Doll, that you made that resolution not to have any more bills?
Dolly. It will be heavenly! To go about all day with the blessed thought that I don't owe a farthing to anybody. It's awful! ”

“ Sport? What sport? Can we join?
Matt. That's just what I was going to propose. There are four of you here, who heard Mr. Pilcher's excellent discourse last night. And you are all determined to turn over a new leaf this year. Isn't that so?
Dolly. Yes!
Harry. I know I am.
Matt. Mrs. Sturgess?
Renie. Yes, indeed!
Matt. Lucas, you?
Lucas. Yes, Uncle.
Matt. On the first of January next, I am prepared to put a sovereign in that money-box for every one of you who can honestly declare that he has broken himself or herself of his bad habits during the year.
Lucas. I say, not all our bad habits? ”

“ Lucas leans over the back of the sofa between Renie and Dolly to look at the illustration. As he leans on the back of the sofa, Dolly draws herself up very indignantly, gives him a severe look; moves a little away from him, sits and looks very severely in front of her. He cannot understand her attitude, draws back a little and looks puzzled. ”

“ Dolly. After all, running into debt is a positive virtue beside the things that some wives do!
Harry. Oh, it's a positive virtue, is it?
Dolly. A husband is very lucky when his wife spends most of her time running up a few bills. It keeps her out of mischief. ”

“ Harry. No, my dear. Make no mistake about that!
Dolly. You'll be seen with somebody else, perhaps?
Harry. Very likely.
Dolly. Have you met Miss Smithson again?
Harry. Not since the last time.
Dolly. Have you seen her since we were at Folkestone?
Harry. What's that to do with your bills?
Dolly. A great deal. That night at dinner she told you her dress allowance was a hundred and twenty a year, and you said you wished she'd give me a few lessons in economy. [78]
Harry. I did not.
Dolly. Pardon me, you did!
Harry. Pardon me, I did not. I said she might give some women a lesson in economy. ”

“ Dolly looks frightened, sees him off, goes up to writing-desk, takes out bills, looks at them, throws up her arms in despair, groans, slams down the writing-desk, looks at the chair she has touched in first act, shows great resolution, marches up and touches it. ”

“ While we all allow that extensive or recognizable diseases of, or injuries to, the brain, free a man from responsibility and punishment, how can we logically mete out blame or praise, punishment or reward to our ordinary acts, thoughts, and impulses, seeing that all our acts, thoughts, and impulses, good or bad, virtuous or criminal, are equally the mere expressions of certain inevitable physical changes in the brain, the mere register on the dial plate of consciousness of necessary predetermined complications in the working of certain atoms of the gray matter of our cortex? ”

“ Good-night.
[Gets away from her, and busies himself with his cigar, lights it.
Renie. Good-night, Dolly!
Dolly. I'll come up with you, and stay till you're quite comfortable.
Renie. Shall I ever be comfortable again? Will things ever be the same? I wonder!
[Goes off mournfully and tragically at back with a prolonged sigh. Matt has seated himself on sofa and taken up paper.
Dolly. [Calls his attention to Renie's exit and makes a furious gesture after her.] I know she'll be here next Christmas!
[58]
Marches down enraged to Matt and repeats in an angry, aggrieved way, emphasizing each word.] ”

“ You say yourself there's no such thing as free will——
Prof. Precisely, but I have always allowed that in the present low moral and intellectual condition of the herd of mankind, free will is a plausible working hypothesis.
Dolly. But it doesn't work! Free will won't work at all! Look at my own case! Do you suppose I should go on all my life having bills if I could help myself? [Catching Matt's eye, who looks at her gravely and holds up his finger.] Never mind my bills! Do make him see how wrong and absurd it is to punish poor Renie when there's no such thing as free will!
Matt. Dolly's right! ”

“ Harry. Tariff?
Pilcher. Jobling's tariff for a mild little profanity like "By Jove," was a mere sixpence.
Harry. Oh! [Feels in his pocket.
Pilcher. Of course you needn't adopt Jobling's scale.
[20]
Harry. Oh yes! I'll toe the mark! [Takes six pence out of his pocket and puts it in his box.] I'm determined I'll cure myself of all these bad little tricks——
Matt. [To Dolly, pointing to the money-box.] Are you going to contribute?
Dolly. [Snappishly.] Perhaps, when I've paid off my bills.
Matt. [To Pilcher.] Will you kindly let my daughter have your lowest tariff for ladies? ”

“ Dolly. Don't leave her till you've seen her comfortably in bed.
Peters. No, ma'am.
[Exit. A gust of wind and a little rattle of hail on the conservatory window.
Matt. Whew! The New Year means business!
Dolly. And so do I, as Lucas will find out.
Matt. He is finding it out, on that heath!
Dolly. Yes! [With a little laugh.] Ha! ha! [A louder gust and rattle of hail.] Listen! Listen! Ha! And he might have been here playing a comfortable rubber by the fire—if he'd simply behaved himself! [61]
Matt. If he'd "simply behaved" himself! What we all miss through not "simply behaving" ourselves. ”

“ Matt. No, no! I assure you——
Renie. If you have, I beg you to speak out and give us a chance of defending ourselves. Tell us exactly what you have seen, and what you suspect——
Matt. My dear Mrs. Sturgess, I haven't seen anything, and I don't suspect anything.
Renie. You really mean that?
Matt. Yes—yes——
Renie. [Clasping his hand eagerly.] Thank you so much. Friendship between a man and a woman is so misunderstood.
Matt. It is.
Dolly. Yes, Lucas had a friendship with a governess here which we all misunderstood—till afterwards.
Lucas. I say, Dolly, don't you——
Renie. ”

“ Harry. Eleven pounds two——
Dolly. It does seem rather a high price, but——
[Drawing up her dress and showing an inch or two of silk stocking.
Harry. You're wearing them about the house?
Dolly. I can't go about the house without stockings. And I put them on for your especial benefit. [He utters a contemptuous exclamation.] They're a lovely quality——
[Drawing up her dress an inch or two higher.
Harry. I daresay. [Turning away.] I'm not going to admire your stockings, or your ostrich ruffles, or your blue silk garters, or your motifs, or anything that is yours! It's too expensive! ”

“ I've quite made up my mind I won't have any more bills!
Pilcher. [Turning to Renie.] Does Mrs. Sturgess agree with the Professor's doctrine?
Renie. No, indeed! To say that we're mere machines—it's horrid.
Prof. The question is not whether it's horrid, but whether it's true.
Pilcher. What do you think, Mr. Barron?
Matt. It's a very nutty and knotty problem. I'm watching to see Dolly and Harry solve it!
Dolly. See us solve it! How?
Matt. You and Harry heard a most thrilling, soul-stirring sermon last night.
Pilcher. You had good hearsay accounts of my sermon?
Matt. Excellent! ”

“ Bending over her, back to audience, is her father, Matt Barron, a pleasant-looking, easy-going cynic of sixty. Harry Telfer, Dolly's husband, an ordinary good-natured, weakish, impulsive Englishman about thirty-five, is standing with his back to the fire. Sitting on sofa, reading a scientific book, is Professor [10] Sturgess, a hard, dry, narrow, fattish scientific man about forty-five. At the table, right, reading a French novel, is Renie Sturgess, the Professor's wife, a tall, dark, handsome woman about thirty. ”

“ The sofa is now brought down below the fireplace, and fronts the audience a little diagonally, its right end being farthest up stage. The small table with the hospital box, and the easy chair are above the sofa, a little to the right of it.
Enter Renie, much distressed and agitated. Dolly follows quickly, closes the door cautiously and mysteriously.
Renie. But I don't understand. Captain Wentworth and I have been so little together——
Dolly. Well, my dear, there it is! My father is the last man to pry into other people's affairs, but you see it has been forced upon his notice. ”

“ I'm going into Renie's room! [Exit.
Harry. I insist on your going through these bills——
[Following her off. Their voices are heard retreating upstairs, Dolly saying, "go through the bills! Send for Miss Smithson! Have her here to-morrow morning! Take your proceedings," Harry saying, "I insist on going through the bills to-night! Do you hear, madam, I insist! Will you come down and go through these bills," etc.
Matt. [Listens, as their voices die away. When the voices have ceased, he surveys the scene.] We're making a splendid start for the New Year! ”

“ Dolly. [Has opened desk and taken up some bills—she looks round dubiously at Harry.] What a splendid thing it must be to be a husband and have it in your power to make your wife adore you, by simply paying a few bills. ”

“ Dolly Reforming Herself ACT I.
Scene: Drawing-room at Harry Telfer's, The Gables, Crookbury Green, Surrey. A well-furnished room in a modern red brick country house. At the back, a little to the right, is a door leading into the hall. All along the right side is a glass partition, showing a conservatory which is entered by glass doors, one up stage, the other down. On the left side is a large fireplace. At the back, in the centre, is a handsome writing-desk with a shut down flap lid. Above the fireplace, facing the audience is a large sofa. ”

“ It is only when the play is over that we notice the art of it. The verisimilitude of "Dolly Reforming Herself" is all the more admirable because the play is founded on a philosophic question, and in the whole course of it there is not a scene, not a character (not even the butler's character) , that is not strictly and logically relevant to this question. The whole fabric is wrought in a tight and formal pattern, yet the effect of it is as life itself. The question in point is "Can [4] we cure ourselves of our bad habits?" ”

“ Matt. Good idea! The dear old fish-pond! We might all take a stroll there!
[Linking his arm with Lucas.
Lucas. [Suspicious, holding back.] I don't know that I care—we went there last year——
Matt. We did! Same old game, eh? Come along.
[Drags Lucas off.
Pilcher. [Has been gathering up his parcels.] Well, good-bye! Good-bye! [Rattles the hospital box vigorously.] Three splendid victories for free will and moral resolution!
[Exit, rattling the box.
[103]
Harry. Doll, you really haven't got any bills this year?
Dolly. No! no! Only the few little oddments that no woman can prevent. ”

“ Harry. And Mr. John Spearman's motif is that I should pay him five hundred and fifty-six pounds. Well, I don't like Mr. John Spearman's motifs, and I'm not going to fall in with them. [Puts the bill on the table rather angrily, takes up another, reads.] "Artistic lingerie!" I wonder why all these people call themselves artists! "Underwear of daintiness and distinction."
Dolly. Well, you've always praised——
Harry. Yes. In future, I'm going to be very careful what articles of your dress I praise. "Three pairs of blue silk garters, forty-five shillings." ”

“ I've accepted it on that distinct understanding. I've trusted you with my secret, a secret honourable alike to Captain Wentworth and myself. You've promised not to breathe a word to any living soul. You surely don't mean to break your word?
Dolly. I don't mean to stand the racket of your Banbury cakes.
Renie. I didn't expect you to be so unsympathetic. You promised to help me!
Dolly. Help you! How did you expect me to help you?
Renie. My husband has to go to Edinburgh next week to give a course of lectures there. [29]
Dolly. Well?
Renie. He wants me to go with him. ”

“ Yes! And I say that a woman who goes and runs up bills like these, [dashing the back of one hand against the bills in the other] while her husband is smoking threepenny cigars, will very soon bring herself and him to one of those new palatial workhouses where, thank heaven, the cuisine and appointments are now organized with a view of providing persons of your tastes with every luxury at the ratepayers' expense. [Returns angrily to the bills, turns them over.] Irish lace bolero! [Turns to another.] Fur motor coat, fifty-five guineas——
Dolly. ”

“ Sturgess.
Prof. [Taking book, glancing at the passage.] Really, it's most annoying when one's own wife upsets——
Matt. Oh! they're always making hay of our theories one way or the other.
Prof. Of course, if one presses the matter home to first principles——
Dolly. Yes! Yes! Well, why not act on your own [108] first principles! You ought to be very sorry for poor Renie, considering all she has suffered.
Prof. Suffered?
Dolly. Yes, poor dear! You don't know what an awful struggle she has gone through between this unfortunate flirtation and her admiration for you. ”