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“ And why should mere Talent take part of the profits that rightly belong to Push?" And he straightway went and turned out poor old Talent from the business, taking away his jam and his new boots—nay, even his bread which he had brought into the firm; and Mr. Push went on producing work on his own account; and the critics, and those whose duty it is to write the puffs for the newspapers (which two classes are by some considered to be identical) , cried out louder than ever about his greatness, and told how he parted his hair, and how much mustard he ate, and what sort of hats he wore. ”

“ From New York to Toronto, and from the Niagara Falls to Cleveland, all good railway men revere the memory of Bill Erie.
The trunk did not break in the terrible fall that killed poor Bill. After his death, the secret came out. You see, Sam Slutters, the next best trunk-smasher on the line (who was a mean skunk, for all his good qualities) had a great jealousy of Bill. So he just put that box in his way after he had filled it tight full with sandwiches and buns from an English railway refreshment room, and riveted the sides firmly to the adamantine contents. ”

“ There are many societies for the protection of children; and human Governments are very severe upon violence to children. You see—er—if an infant is killed it is—er—disqualified for being subsequently slaughtered on the field of battle.
"Infanticide is regarded as a most heartless crime. You now perceive that that group of legislators are glaring at an adjacent island containing another nation, and are shrieking with anger and envy! That is because that insular nation has so many more babies, and increases so much more rapidly in population." ”

“ The stratum of those trodden under foot is about 15ft. deep by this time; and you may perceive that fresh numbers are continually falling from pressure and suffocation, there being, of course, insufficient air for all.
"But, just consider!—the birth-rate is always steadily on the increase, and the population is more jubilant than ever. It is a most happy island; and all the other nations are mad with envy." ”

“ These are new workhouses to receive the increment of population, which will, of course, be unable to find a means of livelihood. That parish is the champion parish of that great city—a guiding star for all the parishes in the world. The paupers in it—two-thirds of the entire population—have just been put on half rations in consequence of the increasing strain on the parish resources; but those paupers are wise enough to perceive that increase of population is the greatest boon, the highest aim, of a community ”

“ And it came to pass that, after a while, those that wrote puffs in the newspapers became so filled with a sense of the affability of him of the bright eye, that when they sat at their desks a-writing puffs for the newspapers, they would say within themselves: "As he is so affable, it stands to reason that the work of his hand must be very good and clever." ”

“ There once lived a very affable gentleman whose eye was exceeding bright and knowing, and the grasp of his hand was hearty and effusive, so that he was most pleasant to shake hands with; and many persons would make long journeys across the deserts and the oceans to have their hands shaken by him, feeling much delight and satisfaction at it. ”

“ Then the Public began to inquire, saying "Who is he that has the bright and knowing eye, and what is his name?" For, when one would go about speaking of the greatness of a person, it is better that one should know his name; for, if one does not know his name, then one must needs identify him in some other way, such as saying "He who wrote so and so," or, "He that drew such a picture"; the which thing is awkward when one knows nothing of his works, but only knows that he is a great man. ”

“ It is a meeting of working-men, convened to express indignation at a suggestion lately made that some of them should emigrate in search of the employment and subsistence which they cannot find here. If they can get hold of the author of the heartless suggestion, they will tear him in pieces. ”

“ Perfect health is unknown within its bounds. Everybody suffers perpetually from his liver, and has to suddenly 'knock off' from active business for about three weeks in every month; everyone is in the doctor's hands all the year round—that is, while the doctor is not prevented from attending him by being ill in bed himself ”

“ Then he tried all his regular dodges, and even executed his famous war-dance on the lid—that war-dance which had, again and again, burst in a new burglar-proof safe. But he knocked a piece of iron off one boot and hurt his feet on that solid mass. ”

“ Everybody suffers from chronic nerves, and 'jumps,' and 'blues,' and various other diseases with similar scientific names; in fact, everybody has nothing particular the matter with him—no serious illness—and is in consequence always seriously ill. ”

“ The last of our illustrations is a turnip with a face, a plumed head-dress, body, arms, and a number of intertangled legs, like those of some sea-monster, "ending in snaky twine." This root grew in a garden in the village of Weiden, in Germany, in 1628, the fact being recorded in the curious columns entitled "Miscellanea Academiæ Naturæ." ”

“ Not to kill while babies, but after they are grown up into soldiers. The beautiful philoprogenitive instinct is very strong in these human beings of mine; their tenderness towards children is really touching. ”

“ And these mentions were meant to be read by the Public, and the Public read them; and, moreover, they that wrote the puffs in the newspapers would often look out from the door of the newspaper office as the Public went by and call out: "He of the knowing eye is a very great man" ”