Hugh Walpole

“ Sir Muttlebury Hatt awoke, got upon his feet, and said that Sir Marcus Pendyce had given us all a great deal to think about, that we had felt during his delightful speech as though we were all part of the great world ourselves, that we had learnt, at any rate, that the great world was very little different from the small one, and so on and so on. ”

“ Next day I lunched with Sir Marcus at the Lambs. There is something strange and uncomfortable, not altogether unconnected, I suppose, with a bad sort of snobbishness, about being entertained in a club by a man who is immensely unpopular there. If there is some fine and righteous reason for his unpopularity, then the guest may feel all the virtuous happiness of supporting, against odds, a magnificent cause. But if his unpopularity has no greater basis than intrinsic unagreeableness, it is difficult indeed not oneself to feel unagreeable and justly uncomfortable.. ”

“ I may remark, in parenthesis, that I was already discovering two of Sir Marcus's most irritating peculiarities, one being that he said everything three times over, the other that he was curiously absent-minded except when he was talking about himself, so that when you were at the most thrilling point of your own narrative you would see his eye wandering like a greedy pirate, wondering upon what new victims it could seize.
"Talking of novelists," he went booming on, "I used to know a feller called Trollope who wrote novels. Big, heavy, stupid man. ”

“ I said, "have you seen Charlie Black lately?"
"No, I haven't for a long time," said Chippet, "Why?"
"He's got to help me," I said. "I suppose he's in the same old place."
He was. I paid him a visit that very afternoon. Mr. Charles Black was a remarkable man of enterprise, who started in a haberdasher's, had been most things from a stoker to a dancing instructor, and was now safely landed in quite a successful business as a lecture agent. It is well known that in the United States of America there is a passion for lecturers on every conceivable subject, and very often on no subject at all. ”

“ I am my natural self when I am unfettered by notes or pieces of paper. I do beg you, Mr. Black, that you will allow me to talk freely, easily, as though the audience consisted of a few friends of mine gathered together round the club fire."
"Later on, later on," said Mr. Black. "You'll forgive me for saying so, Sir Marcus, but however natural an orator may be, and I know from your diplomatic experience that you must 'ave 'ad many occasions for public speaking——"
"Indeed I have," interrupted Sir Marcus eagerly. "Once in Berlin——"
"Quite so, quite so," said Charlie Black gently. ”

“ Did you ever know her? Married a young cousin of mine. Eaten by a shark, poor feller. All the lower half of him bitten right off. She married again afterwards. Some woman in the opera at Paris—can't remember her name—large, fat woman——"
"No, no," said Pom hurriedly, "I never knew her."
"Well, so long, Pendyce. Glad to have seen you."
We left the diplomatist staring after us in indignant surprise. When we reached the hall I gripped Banting by the arm. "I'll do what I can," I said. "I don't know that we can bring it of!, but it's a public duty. We'll do our best." ”

“ Sir Marcus was to attempt a tour of three months, his lecture being entitled "The Great World As I Knew It." The plan was that Sir Marcus should talk to young Smithers, Charlie Black's most able assistant, for several mornings, pouring out to him all the treasures of his experience, and that from these Smithers should make a collective narrative which the lecturer should read. Sir Marcus rebelled a little against this, telling anybody who would listen to him that he would infinitely prefer that he should talk straight from the heart. ”

“ Week after week passed. Sir Marcus did not return. Then it happened quite by chance that I met, at some dinner-party in London, a Canon of Durham Cathedral, who was having a week of theatres in the Metropolis and enjoying himself very much indeed. "By the way," I said, "do you happen to have seen anything up there of an old feller Pendyce, who was once a diplomat?"
The Canon laughed. "Why, yes," he said. "Old man with white hair and an eyeglass, never stops talking?"
"That's the man," I said.
"Yes, of course; he's living out at Fetters Moor, five miles out of Durham, with two old ladies." ”

“ The lecture following the Newcastle one was near London, so I went down back to my old haunts, leaving Sir Marcus with his new friends.
Charlie Black, when I saw him the next day, told me quite frankly that our diplomatist was a complete failure, and that he must call off the other lectures. I begged and pleaded, but all to no avail. "Just give him another chance," I said. "The whole happiness of his life depends upon it." ”

“ It was something about writing, and I know it must have been funny because Bony told two or three fellers afterwards, and they all thought it was jolly good. I'll remember what it is in a minute. Oh, yes, I know—no, that wasn't it. Anyway, I could see Trollope didn't half like it."
Here I felt compelled to interrupt. "Must have been very interesting," I murmured, "knowing Anthony Trollope and all the men of his time."
"Well, yes, it was interesting," said Sir Marcus. "Not that I think much of writing fellers as a whole, you know. They're a lousy lot. ”

“ There was no reason whatever why I should accompany Sir Marcus on his tour, but there was something simple and childish about the poor gentleman that touched my sympathies. I would never have believed that a few weeks could so completely change a man of his age. ”

“ The fact is, Johnson, that he's ruining our club. Like everyone else, we're in need of money. At the same time we try to keep our membership as decent as we can; but half the fellers we'd like to have now have got wind of old Mark-My-Words, as we call him, and half the other decent fellows don't come into the club simply because they're terrified of finding him there. ”

“ Who wants me to lecture?"
I told him about Mr. Black, Mr. Black's enthusiasm, and Mr. Black's marvellous powers of organisation.
"He sounds a worthy fellow," said Sir Marcus, in his best diplomatic manner, "but, of course, you know, it's a ticklish business, my lecturing. Discretion needed and tact. I remember in 'sixty-four, when I was attaché in Berlin, a feller in the Embassy giving a lecture, and he made just the smallest allusion to the wife of young Bonny Cooper, who was First Secretary just then. ”

“ Here, in the less intellectual British Isles, lecturers are less in demand, and it is generally considered that a lecturer is sufficiently rewarded by being allowed to speak for an hour or so in a hall or drawing-room on the subject nearest his heart without the addition of financial profit. ”

“ We descended from Edinburgh to Durham, and there in the small concert room in the town hall, some twenty or thirty people were all his audience. I really could have put my arms around Sir Marcus and patted his white head when, in the little room behind the platform, the man in charge of the hall said: "Mighty few here to-night. I should put 'em all in the first two rows and have 'em close together. Looks a bit warmer." ”

“ He's just what they've been searching for all their lives. They're dear old things, but they're the greatest snobs in Europe. They'd go miles just to see anybody with a title, and to have a real ambassador living with them gives them a happiness that is delightful to behold. ”

“ He's got the strength of five hundred horsemen and then some. He's absolutely unbeatable. He's eternal, inevitable, everlasting. Why, do you mean to say in your clubs you haven't got bores whom no one can get rid of? ”