J. C. Snaith

“ His wits are weak; there is a cloud in his mind; he babbles foolishly.”
“Luiz!” cried the duke—“where’s my good Luiz? Where art thou, Luiz? Fetch the guard, good gossip, and as I am a parent, this ingrateful hulks shall go to the house of correction.”
“Do not heed him, envoy,” said her ladyship. “This old man is forwandered in his mind like a bat in the daylight. Speak him fair, but heed him not. He is a babbler.”
“Come to me, Luiz—come to me!” cried the duke, brandishing the carcass of the ortolan. “Why do you not come to me, good fat man? Will you see me sounced by the tongue of a jade? ”

“ We have nought to obtain by trying a fall with such an adversary. Ought we not, bethink you, madam, to see what first can be done by the gentleness of our address?”
“That is well said, Sir Count,” said she. “He shall have gentle words in his ears. But remark me, if ever the occasion waits upon us he shall also learn that we keep a sword.”
“Valiancy in action, subtlety in discourse,” said the Count of Nullepart. “No kingdom could ask a choicer wisdom, madam. I drink to you as a proud but as a just and a good princess.” ”

“ And I do tell you, my friend, that when the Countess Sylvia comes to her inheritance, and good soldiers and good treasure are at her beck, she will ride on a milk-white courser at the head of more than a thousand beautiful fighting soldiers, each clad in a corslet of steel as bright as a mirror, with a long white plume in his cap, and the motto of her house painted in scarlet upon a cloth of white camlet upon his breast. And she shall sack this fair city, and see to it that all Jews, heretics, and Moriscoes are put to the sword. ”

“ There could never have been a more whimsical sight since the world set up in business than the distraction of the King of Castile’s ambassador, himself a man of bearing and nobility, standing in the midst of his astonished retinue, as he gazed from one to the other of those who addressed him. Yet it was presently borne in upon him by the outrageous speaking of the poor old duke, and the vacancy of his eyes, that all his politics, in whatever they might consist, were like to be over-ridden by the imperious will that had assumed the reins of governance. ”

“ As a prologue to the fray, no sooner had the soldiers entered the room and had fallen to attend the duke’s instructions than the Countess Sylvia walked on to the daïs, and in the next moment had come to stand on the table itself, with her whip in one hand, her dagger in the other, and a good sword on either side of her.
From this singular eminence she gazed with an insolent contumely upon the forces that were being marshalled against us.
“Soldiers of the guard,” she said, as though she were speaking to an army, “your bare swords are your peril. His lordship’s grace is no longer your commander. ”

“ With no other weapon than this, he met my own sword in such a fashion that, heavy as it was, it seemed but as a lath before it. Indeed I, its wielder, was unable to make the least advance therewith; and to my amazement, with the might of his arm and this thin piece of steel, he urged me before him all over the room. Afterwards he rolled up the sleeve of his doublet with an air of pride, and showed the contour of that enormous limb.
“Yet, Master Miguel,” said he, “it is not brute strength that makes the man you behold. ”

“ Far and away the meadows had suddenly begun to echo with the beating of drums and the call to arms. We came out of our hiding-place, and going forth into the open fields, were able to discern that the drawbridge of the castle had been lowered and that a body of mounted soldiers from the garrison was making a foray.
The purport of this was so plain to us that we could have cast our hats into the air for joy. It was clear that the English giant had found his way within those four walls, and now by a bold raid was about to bring us and our prize also within them. ”

“ Was ever man so cursed with the unlucky tongue within him! No sooner had I dropped a word about his daughter than a lively purple ran into his face, and that countenance which had been so gracious grew suddenly so arrogant that I was filled with qualms.
“Are you a prince of the sangre azul of Spain, Don Miguel Jesus Maria de Sarda y Boegas,” said he, “that you seek to serve my daughter?”
“Not a prince, my lord,” said I with proud humility, “but there is no choicer blood than ours in the Asturias.” ”

“ She took her place in their midst with the Count of Nullepart, Sir Richard Pendragon, and Don Miguel Jesus Maria de Sarda y Boegas beside her with drawn swords. Such a flashing and noble glance as she directed along each row could never before have met these men-at-arms.
“Sirrah Red Dragon,” she said, “do you remove my headpiece that I may speak them better.”
When the English giant lifted the steel canopy off her ears, and these warriors, for the most part mercenaries, beheld so much beauty and disdain, they raised another cry in her honour, for indeed there never was a more superb thing. ”

“ Therefore he can wed no woman, dear little Spanish butterfly, for, let me whisper it in thy pretty ears, that good Dickon, honest fellow, is none other than the veritable Solpesius Mus, the Captain-General of the Jogalones.”
Having thus spoke our mistress in this strange mad wise, the English giant, for all the world as though his soul was a wide dominion, bent to her his grinning visage and bussed her soundly upon the lips in the presence of the whole company. No sooner had she suffered this bold caress than she withdrew her face swiftly, as though it had been stung by the venom of bees. ”

“ I could not believe that a man should be so affronted at so seemly a mention of his daughter. I could have shed tears at this rebuff, and the deplorable case in which I stood, but my father’s wisdom stole through my veins like a balm, and I remembered that adversity is one of God’s stratagems to test the temper of the least of His servants.
As I took my way to the gate of the castle with my feathers drooping, I encountered the more fortunate Sir Richard Pendragon smiling at his private thoughts and sucking sack off his beard. ”

“ Have I not told you that we English are the chastest people on the face of the globe? But this is one of those matters of delicacy in which you people of a foreign nationality have not been bred to delight. In England the adorable fair are so jealous in reputation that they would blush to have their names abroad at the instance of a poet or any other rogue in a hose and jerkin. And as for beauty, my youthful Don, the virtue of an English maid breeds in her damask cheek the chaste tint of lilies, and therein is the fair reflection of her soul. ”

“ When they had passed the Count of Nullepart sat himself down on a settle, and with a face twisted with mirth took forth his instrument and strove to improvise a melody. Three times did he essay to do so and three times did he fail.
“I am laughing myself into my tomb,” said he. “That is why I am so thin and frail, my dear Don Miguel. All my days I have been cursed with a passion for laughter, and it wears me to the bone. Oh, my good soul! do you not hear his lordship’s grace beating his loud tattoos upon yonder panel?” ”

“ Before I could make Sir Richard Pendragon’s excuses for not being present, as I felt sure, notwithstanding his quiddity, the English giant, having the blood of kings under his doublet, would have wished me to do, there came through the soft and sweet morning airs a mighty commotion. There was shouting, the blowing of horns and trumpets, and then came the loud bark of a culverin. ”

“ Now go your ways, like a good boy, and sell the wind-galled, curb-hocked, and bespavined old bone-bag that bears you.”
“Good Sir Richard Pendragon,” I said stoutly, “I have no fear of my reception before the duke. My sword is not much, but he shall have it for his use.”
“Much!” said the Englishman; “much is a large word for nothing. Get an orange basket, my son; and I pray you not to come into the presence of his grace before you have grown a beard. He is a whimsical old fellow, and yet so haughty that he might cut off your ears if you caused him to laugh excessively.” ”

“ There is no virtue in his mind; his heart hath not the constancy to make him bold before an adversary. This rude Castilian prince, this wicked king, would override him as easily as he would a plain of mustard. Do you mark me, my lieges, his lordship’s grace is now a figure for your tears. He is a pitiful old man, a babbler of nothings, his mind is vanity. [185] Therefore, my lieges, he and his trusty fat man, whose ribs are larded like butter, and who is so slow in his mind as a snail, will speak ye no more. From this day I am your duke and captain, your liege lord and liege lady. ”

“ I may have no mind for stratagem, but I shall not be afeared to draw my sword for this worthy but unfortunate grandee.”
“O Jesu!” said the English giant, laughing into his hands softly, “I can feel this accursed fluxion mounting into my mind. I can see perfectly well, Master Miguel, if we go our ways together about this peninsula of yours, I shall be compelled to travel with a physician. Not afeared to draw your sword! Why, good Don, your sword is a lath, and he who draws it has not a hair to his chin, and cannot bleat so loud as a Barbary sheep.” ”

“ Sir Richard Pendragon, knight; yes, by my hand, that’s a name! I have seen Goths and Arabs turn pale at it; it has been embraced by the foremost in valour; it has lain in the bed of queens. Yet the bearer of that name is gentle enough, by my soul; for it is the name of a good and true man, a simple knight, a valiant friend, a courteous enemy; a humble-minded seeker of light who is addicted to reading the stars and the works of nature. ”

“ Where can you and he have dwelt, noble marquis, not to be aware that the truth hath more than one countenance? To the vulgar truth hath one aspect, to the learned it hath an hundred aspects. That which a private person such as yourself might consider an army, a veritable potentate might deride as unworthy of his regard. Permit me, noble marquis, to speak a word in your ear. Do not, I pray you, ever mention three hundred men-at-arms to the King of France. ”

“ Can it be, John Castilian, that yourself is a victim to a like preoccupancy? For I understand from madam’s gracious ladyship that your trench hath been dug the last three days in the kitchen midden.”
“No, no, Sirrah Red Dragon, that is not so,” said madam ruthlessly. “The spawn of darkness is entitled to no burial. We will hang it upon a fork on the outer barbican to poison the crows and the vultures and the unclean fowls of the air.”
“A thousand pardons, ladyship,” said Sir Richard Pendragon. “It appears I am the victim of a misinformation.” ”

“ The Englishman laughed in his belly.
“My father had excellent precept,” said I, “although, as you say, the Hand of God curtailed his practice.”
“Well now, my son,” said Sir Richard Pendragon, assuming a grave air, which yet did not appear a very sincere one, “he who speaks you is one whose practice the Hand of God has not curtailed. He was proficient with sword and basket in his tenderest infancy. He has played with all the first masters in Europe; he has made it a life study. With all the true principles of this inimitable art he is familiar. ”

“ You will suppose that I watched the passaging of the duke and this singular Sir Richard Pendragon with the gravest solicitude. There never was such a whimsically assorted pair: the small old man, the duke, one of the first gentlemen of his age, so well appointed in his dress, so fortunate in his person, so sedate in his mien for all his querulousness, which in one of less consideration might have incurred another name; the Englishman monstrous in his growth, gross and irregular in form and countenance, his clothes patched and pieced into the quaintest contexture. ”

“ All my ancestors died of a fluxion that did not die of steel. But I tell you, Spaniard, it is as plain as my hand that your father must have been a half-witted fellow to beget such a poor son.”
“Sir Richard Pendragon,” I cried, incensed beyond endurance, “if you abuse my father I will run you through the heart!”
“Well,” said he, “this is good speaking on eight crowns, a provincial accent, and a piece of rusty iron which is fitter to toast half a saddle of mutton than to enhance the scabbard of a gentleman. And if you make this speaking good, why, it will be still better. ”

“ While his lordship’s grace is stewing and sweating in durance with that fat fellow, and braying like an old mule for his liberty, I will have every one of his three hundred men-at-arms answer to the roster. I will issue a proclamation, by which they shall learn that in the person of their mistress they have a new master; and each shall take the oath of his fealty in his new service. And I will cause the master armourer and the master treasurer to do the same, for I have to tell you, my friends, that henceforward this castle is to have only one generalissimo. ”

“ I speak thee fair, sweet ladyship and countess, and he who addresseth thee hath the blood of kings under his doublet, don’t forget that. By my sword, if thou wert but of the English nation, I would ask thine hand in matrimony, thou lovely chit, and Betty Tucker, a good wench who can handle a tankard as well as another at the sign of the Knight in Armour public-house, next the town of Barnet, in the kingdom of Great Britain, should hang herself in her shift or strangle herself in her garters. ”

“ A live king is worth more than a dead one; and if we leave his mouth unlocked, why, a single word might be our undoing.”
“As you say, my dear Don Miguel,” said the Count of Nullepart, “a single word may undo us; but, by my faith, if one so humble as myself may speak upon a high subject, I believe this to be a true prince, and I, for one, do not fear to accept a parole of a true prince.” ”

“ The English giant, seeming to detect cries of derision arising about him, turned to the ever-increasing multitude and observing a low fellow that was near him in the act of making an insulting grimace, he made no more to do, but lifted him up bodily, and flung him like a sack of flour upon the heads of the people. ”

“ A surgeon, or I perish!”
“Don Miguel,” said the Countess Sylvia with the gravest simplicity, and paying no heed whatever to this unmannerly outcry of the English barbarian, “I do need your good service, and I cherish it.”
Upon these words, spoken as became a princess, I fell to my knee and saluted the hand of this valiant and noble lady.
“If I am not blind like a newt, this is my former squire that ran away from me,” said Sir Richard Pendragon. “How came you again in this parish, youthful varlet? But as I am a good Christian man, I am glad to see thee. ”

“ Must I, who am old and a parent, pull down a she-wolf and correct her with the hand of mine own indignation? Ods nig and nog! is there no manhood in Spain?”
While the duke continued to fume and splutter in this unworthy fashion, the great English giant, and you must believe me, reader, when I tell you he appeared to be as enormous as the heroes and ogres in the old romances, continued to press on his ribs, and, even as he had himself predicted, to shed veritable tears of laughter. But presently the mien of the Countess Sylvia seemed to pacify this great coarse fellow. ”

“ Endeavour, sirrah, to imitate the courteous delicacy in his feeding of the worshipful Count of Nullepart. But peace, I say, for I would engage the officers of my household upon a great affair. This castle is in peril. I do fear that the rude Castilian and all his men will soon be knocking on the gate. Would you have me dig pits and lay snares, Sirrah Red Dragon, for you are our man of war? We have but three hundred men-at-arms, and our villainous cousin will reckon his host by the thousand. ”

“ Tying Babieca to a railing, I sat down to meditate upon the course of my affairs. It was clear that I had much to learn before I might move with security into the world. Sir Richard Pendragon, barbarous foreigner as he was, had taught me already that we must learn to decipher the human character and its manifold complexities ere the smiles of Fortune can requite those who crave them. But at least, thought I, as I sought consolation of my father’s never-failing wisdom, this is a vicarious world, in which our material state is nothing, and of all things only an honest mind is virtuous. ”

“ Indeed, scarcely had the Countess Sylvia spoken to this tenor than this gigantical foreigner, who was as great in his valour as he was in his girth, fell suddenly upon the fellow that was next to him, who, to be sure, was a somewhat puny man-at-arms, picked him up by an ear and a limb, as though he were a truss of fodder, and carried him out of the room bodily. ”

“ With the simple dignity of a princess, she held out her hand, and with charming humility the Count of Nullepart bore it to his lips.
“This is a good providence,” said she, with a bright colour in her cheek, “for never was a woman in such sore need of good servants.”
Immediately these words were spoken I also rose, and inspired by the count’s example, drew my sword, and offered my service also. She accepted them with beautiful grace and composure.
“I fear, my friends,” said she, “you will have arduous labours. I am beset with every difficulty, and I have a great work to perform.” ”

“ Yet indeed, sir, it does not surprise me, for I could discern from his address that he had a maggot in his brain.”
“Faith, yes,” said Sir Richard, with a solemnity at which I marvelled, “and it twists his poor mind into such odd and strange devices as you would never believe. Why, if he sits at home at the castle, he either plays mumchance all day by the buttery door or devises some ridiculous melody upon the virginal that makes all the cook-maids shed tears, or, stranger than that, Don Luiz, he will sit for hours playing snapdragon with the wishbone of a fowl. ”