John Bridges

“ Gog's bones, gammer, hold up your head!
[33] Chat. I trow, drab, I shall dress thee.
Tarry, thou knave, I hold thee a groat! I shall make these hands bless thee!
Take thou this, old whore, for amends, and learn thy tongue well to tame,
And say thou met at this bickering, not thy fellow but thy dame!
Hodge. Where is the strong stewed whore? chill gi'r a whore's mark!
Stand out one's way, that ich kill none in the dark!
Up, gammer, and ye be alive! chill fight now for us both. ”

“ But all in vain and without help! your nee'le is where it was.
Gammer. Alas, my nee'le! we shall never meet! adieu, adieu, for aye!
Tib. Not so, Gammer, we might it find, if we knew where it lay.
Cock. Gog's cross, Gammer, if ye will laugh, look in but at the door,
And see how Hodge lieth tumbling and tossing amids the flour,
Raking there some fire to find among the ashes dead,
Where there is not one spark so big as a pin's head:
At last in a dark corner two sparks he thought he sees,
Which were indeed nought else but Gib our cat's two eyes. ”

“ Gammer. Gramercy, Diccon, twenty times! O, how glad cham!
If that chould do so much, your masterdom to come hither,
Master Rat, Goodwife Chat, and Diccon together,
Cha but one halfpenny, as far as ich know it,
And chill not rest this night, till ich bestow it.
If ever ye love me, let us go in and drink.
Baily. I am content, if the rest think as I think.
Master Rat, it shall be best for you if we so do,
Then shall you warm you and dress yourself too.
[64] Diccon. Soft, sirs, take us with you, the company shall be the more!
As proud comes behind, they say, as any goes before! ”

“ Hodge. Gog's heart! thou false villain, dost thou bite me?
Baily. What, Hodge, doth he hurt thee ere ever he begin?
Hodge. He thrust me into the buttock with a bodkin or a pin.
[He discovers the needle.
I say, gammer! gammer!
Gammer. How now, Hodge, how now?
Hodge. God's malt, gammer Gurton!
Gammer. Thou art mad, ich trow!
Hodge. Will you see the devil, gammer?
Gammer. The devil, son! God bless us!
Hodge. Chould, [if] ich were hanged, gammer—
Gammer. Marry, see, ye might dress us—
Hodge. ”

“ Diccon. Here is a good fellow, maketh no great danger.
Chat. What, Diccon? Come near, ye be no stranger.
We be fast set at trump, man, hard by the fire;
Thou shalt set on the king, if thou come a little nigher.
Diccon. Nay, nay, there is no tarrying; I must be gone again.
But first for you in counsel I have a word or twain.
Chat. Come hither, Doll! Doll, sit down and play this game,
And as thou sawest me do, see thou do even the same.
There is five trumps besides the queen, the hindmost thou shalt find her.
Take heed of Sim Glover's wife, she hath an eye behind her! ”

“ There is howling and scowling, all cast in a dump,
With whewling and puling, as though they had lost a trump.
Sighing and sobbing, they weep and they wail;
I marvel in my mind what the devil they ail.
The old trot sits groaning, with alas and alas!
And Tib wrings her hands, and takes on in worse case.
With poor Cock, their boy, they be driven in such fits,
I fear me the folks be not well in their wits. ”

“ What devil aileth Gammer Gurton and Tib her maid to frown.
Hodge. Tush, man, th'art deceived: 'tis their daily look;
They cow'r so over the coals, their eyes be blear'd with smoke.
Diccon. Nay, by the mass, I perfectly perceived, as I came hither,
[6] That either Tib and her dame hath been by the ears together,
Or else as great a matter, as thou shalt shortly see.
Hodge. Now, ich beseech our Lord they never better agree!
Diccon. By Gog's soul, there they sit as still as stones in the street,
As though they had been taken with fairies, or else with some ill-spreet.
Hodge. Gog's heart! ”

“ Good ale doth bring men to;
And all poor souls that have scoured bowls,
Or have them lustly troll'd.
God save the lives of them and their wives,
Whether they be young or old.
Back and side go bare, &c.
THE SECOND ACT. THE FIRST SCENE. Diccon, Hodge.
Diccon. Well done, by Gog's malt! well sung and well said!
Come on, mother Chat, as thou art true maid,
One fresh pot of ale let's see, to make an end
Against this cold weather my naked arms to defend!
This gear it warms the soul! now, wind, blow on thy worst!
And let us drink and swill till that our bellies burst! ”

“ What, woman! poor folks must have right, though the thing you aggrieve.
Chat. Give thee thy right, and hang thee up, with all thy beggar's brood!
What, wilt thou make me a thief, and say I stole thy good?
Gammer. Chill say nothing, ich warrant thee, but that ich can prove it well.
Thou set my good even from my door, cham able this to tell!
Chat. Did I, old witch, steal aught was thine? how should that thing be known?
[32]
Gammer. Ich cannot tell; but up thou tookest it as though it had been thine own.
Chat. Marry, fie on thee, thou old gib, with all my very heart!
Gammer. ”

“ And by the time they have a while run,
I trust ye need not crave it.
But look, what lieth in both their hearts, ye are like, sure, to have it.
Hodge. Yea, Gog's soul, art alive yet? What, Diccon, dare ich come?
Diccon. A man is well hied to trust to thee; I will say nothing but mum;
But and ye come any nearer, I pray you see all be sweet!
Hodge. Tush, man, is Gammer's nee'le found? that chould gladly weet.
Diccon. She may thank thee it is not found, for if you had kept thy standing,
The devil he would have fet it out, ev'n, Hodge, at thy commanding.
Hodge. Gog's heart! ”

“ To goodwife that thou shalt be sworn, even on the same wise,
If she refuse thy money once, never to offer it twice.
Thou shalt be bound by the same, here as thou dost take it,
When thou may'st drink of free cost, thou never forsake it.
For Gammer Gurton's sake, again sworn shalt thou be,
To help her to her needle again if it do lie in thee;
And likewise be bound, by the virtue of that,
To be of good a-bearing to Gib her great cat.
Last of all, for Hodge the oath to scan,
Thou shalt never take him for fine gentleman.
Hodge. Come on, fellow Diccon, chall be even with thee now! ”

“ Thy neighbour's hens thou takest, and plays the two-legged fox;
Their chickens and their capons too, and now and then their cocks.
Hodge. Ich defy them all that dare it say, cham as true as the best!
Baily. Wert not thou take within this hour in dame Chat's hens'-nest?
Hodge. Take there? no, master; chould not do't for a house full of gold!
Chat. Thou, or the devil in thy coat—swear this I dare be bold.
Doctor Rat. Swear me no swearing, quean, the devil he give thee sorrow!
All is not worth a gnat, thou canst swear till to-morrow! ”

“ Your hens be as good as dead, if ye leave them on the roost.
Chat. The knave dare as well go hang himself, as go upon my ground.
Diccon. Well, yet take heed, I say, I must tell you my tale round.
Have you not about your house, behind your furnace or lead
A hole where a crafty knave may creep in for need?
Chat. Yes, by the mass, a hole broke down, even within these two days.
Diccon. Hodge, he intends this same night to slip in thereaways.
Chat. O Christ! that I were sure of it! in faith, he should have his meed!
Diccon. Watch well, for the knave will be there as sure as is your creed. ”

“ Chat. Gog's bread! that will I do!
As secret as mine own thought, by God and the devil too!
[22]
Diccon. Here is Gammer Gurton, your neighbour, a sad and heavy wight:
Her goodly fair red cock at home was stole this last night.
Chat. Gog's soul! her cock with the yellow legs, that nightly crowed so just?
Diccon. That cock is stolen.
Chat. What, was he fet out of the hen's roost?
Diccon. I cannot tell where the devil he was kept, under key or lock;
But Tib hath tickled in Gammer's ear, that you should steal the cock.
Chat. Have I, strong whore? by bread and salt!—
Diccon. ”

“ There shalt thou find an old shoe, wherein, if thou look well,
Thou shalt find lying an inch of a white tallow candle;
Light it, and bring it tite away.
Cock. That shall be done anon.
Gammer. Nay, tarry, Hodge, till thou hast light, and then we'll seek each one.
Hodge. Come away, ye whoreson boy, are ye asleep? ye must have a crier!
Cock. Ich cannot get the candle light: here is almost no fire.
Hodge. Chill hold thee a penny, chill make thee come, if that ich may catch thine ears!
Art deaf, thou whoreson boy? Cock, I say; why, canst not hear? ”

“ To help us herein best he can; therefore, till time he come
Let us go in; if there be ought to get thou shalt have some.
THE FOURTH ACT. THE FIRST SCENE. Doctor Rat, Gammer Gurton.
Doctor Rat. A man were better twenty times be a bandog and bark,
Than here among such a sort be parish priest or clerk,
Where he shall never be at rest one pissing while a day,
But he must trudge about the town, this way and that way;
Here to a drab, there to a thief, his shoes to tear and rent,
And that which is worst of all, at every knave's commandment! ”

“ Diccon. What devil, man? art afraid of nought?
Hodge. Canst not tarry a little thought
Till ich make a courtesy of water?
Diccon. Stand still to it; why shouldest thou fear him?
Hodge. Gog's sides, Diccon, me-think ich hear him!
And tarry, chall mar all!
Diccon. The matter is no worse than I told it.
Hodge. By the mass, cham able no longer to hold it!
Too bad! ich must beray the hall!
Diccon. Stand to it, Hodge! stir not, you whoreson!
What devil, be thine arse-strings brusten?
Thyself a while but stay,
The devil (I smell him) will be here anon. ”

“ Hodge. Hold him fast, Diccon, cham gone!
Chill not be at that fray!
THE SECOND ACT. THE SECOND SCENE. Diccon, Chat.
Diccon. Fie, shitten knave, and out upon thee!
Above all other louts, fie on thee!
Is not here a cleanly prank,
But thy matter was no better,
Nor thy presence here no sweeter,
To fly I can thee thank.
Here is a matter worthy glosing,
Of Gammer Gurton's needle losing,
[21] And a foul piece of wark!
A man I think might make a play,
And need no word to this they say
Being but half a clerk. ”

“ I shall teach him a lesson for filching hens or cocks!
Doctor Rat. I marvel, Master Baily, so bleared be your eyes;
An egg is not so full of meat, as she is full of lies:
When she hath played this prank, to excuse all this gear,
She layeth the fault in such a one as I know was not there.
Chat. Was he not there? look on his pate, that shall be his witness!
Doctor Rat. I would my head were half so whole; I would seek no redress!
[51]
Baily. God bless you, Gammer Gurton!
Gammer. God 'eild ye, master mine!
Baily. Thou hast a knave within thy house—Hodge, a servant of thine ”

“ Baily. How say'st thou, Diccon? art content this shall on me depend?
Diccon. Go to, M [ast] Baily, say on your mind, I know ye are my friend.
Baily. Then mark ye well: To recompense this thy former action—
Because thou hast offended all, to make them satisfaction—
Before their faces here kneel down, and as I shall thee teach—
For thou shalt take an oath of Hodge's leather breech:
First, for Master Doctor, upon pain of his curse,
Where he will pay for all, thou never draw thy purse ”

“ The devil pull out thy lying tongue and teeth that be so rotten!
Gammer. Give me my nee'le! as for my cock, chould be very loth
That chould here tell he should hang on thy false faith and troth.
Baily. Your talk is such, I can scarce learn who should be most in fault.
Gammer. Yet shall ye find no other wight, save she, by bread and salt!
Baily. Keep ye content a while, see that your tongues ye hold.
Methinks you should remember this is no place to scold.
How knowest thou, Gammer Gurton, dame Chat thy needle had?
Gammer. To name you, sir, the party, chould not be very glad. ”

“ Tib. Faith, sh'ase eaten something, that will not easily down;
Whether she gat it at home, or abroad in the town Ich cannot tell.
Gammer. Alas, ich fear it be some crooked pin!
And then farewell Gib! she is undone, and lost all save the skin!
Hodge. 'Tis your nee'le, woman, I say! Gog's soul! give me a knife,
And chill have it out of her maw, or else chall lose my life!
Gammer. What! nay, Hodge, fie! Kill not our cat, 'tis all the cats we ha' now.
Hodge. By the mass, dame Chat hase me so moved, ich care not what I kill, ma' God a vow!
Go to, then, Tib, to this gear! ”

“ Baily. Yea, but a man in the dark, if chances do wink,
As soon he smites his father as any other man,
Because for lack of light discern him he ne can.
Might it not have been your luck with a spit to have been slain?
Doctor Rat. I think I am little better, my scalp is cloven to the brain.
If there be all the remedy, I know who bears the knocks.
Baily. By my troth, and well worthy besides to kiss the stocks! ”