John Evelyn

“ Hard Case to blame the Ladies Washes, When Men are come to mend their Faces. Yet some there are such Women grown, They cann't be by their Faces known: Some wou'd be like the fair Adonis; Some would be Hyacinthus Cronies; And then they study wanton use Of Spanish Red, and white Ceruse; The only Painters to the Life, That seem with Natures self at strife; As if she only the dead Colours laid, But they the Picture perfect made. What Zeuxis dare provoke these Elves, That to out-doe him paint themselves? For tho' the Birds his painted Grapes did crave, These paint and all Mankind deceive. ”

“ Ingratefull Rhimer! thus to vex The more refin'd and lovely Sex, By acting like officious Novice, Informer in the Devil's Crown-Office, If we mayn't rather take him for Some busie, bold Apparator, In Satan's Commons Court of Arches, By his more Feminine Researches: Tho' what if many a tainted Whore Tormented him before his hour, 'Twas mean Revenge, howe'er, to fall On the whole Sex in general; 'Cause 'twas his ill luck still to light On Ware unsound, for want of Wit. What if the Ladies will be brave, Why may not they a Language have To wrap their Trinkets up in Mystery? ”

“ To call a Shoe a Shoe, is base, Let the genteel Picards take Place. Hang Perriwig, 'tis only fit For Barbers Tongues that ne'er spoke Wit; But if you'd be i'th' Fashion, choose The far politer Term, Chedreux What Clown is he that proudly moves, With on his hands what we call Gloves? No Friend, for more refin'd converse Will tell ye they are Orangers. So strangely does Parisian Air Change English Youth, that half a year Makes 'em forget all Native Custome, To bring French Modes, and Gallic Lust home; Nothing will these Apostates please, But Gallic Health, and French Disease. ”

“ Heavens! how many Wonders do's Juvenal make at the sight of an Honest Man in his time; and yet when he has spoken as bad as he could of the Women, we find no such severe Expressions of his upon the Female Sex. ”

“ Far much more time Men trifling wast, E'er their soft Bodies can be drest; The Looking-Glass hangs just before, And each o'th' Legs requires an hour: Now thereby, Ladies, hangs a Tale, A Story for your Cakes and Ale. A certain Beau was lately dressing, But sure, e'er he had crav'd Heavens Blessing; When in comes Friend, and finds him laid In mournfull plight, upon his Bed. Dear Tom, quoth he, such a Mischance As ne'er befell the Foes of France; Nay, I must tell thee, Fleury Battel Was ne'er to Europe half so fatal ”

“ Why then should these Extravagants Make such Rhime-doggeril Complaints Against the Ladies Dressing-Rooms, And closets stor'd with rich Perfumes? There's nothing there but what becomes The Plenty of a fair Estate: Tho' Chimney Furniture of Plate, Tho' Mortlake Tapestry, Damask-Bed; Or Velvet all Embroidered; Tho' they affect a handsome store, Of part for State, of usefull more; They're Glories not to be deny'd To Women, stopping there their Pride; For such a Pride has nothing ill, But only makes them more genteel. Should Nature these fine Toys produce, And Women be debarr'd the use? ”

“ They have found out a shorter way, Not as before, to wast the day; They only comb, wash hands and face, And streightway, with a comely Grace, On the admired Helmet goes, As ready rigg'd as their lac'd Shoes. ”

“ Fain wou'd I, Ladies, briefly know How you have injur'd Bully Beau; That he thus falls, with so much noise, Upon your Trinkets, and your Toys? Something was in't; for I protest t' ye, He has most wonderfully drest ye: Nor has his Wrath spar'd ye an inch, To set ye out in Pedlars French; And all his Readers to possess, That Women conjure when they dress: Malicious Beau-Design, to make The Ladies Dressing-Room to speak Hard Words, unknown to all their Gransires; The Language like of Necromancers. Heavens! must Men still be at th' Mercies Of new Medeas, and new Circes ”

“ But on the other side it makes me mad to hear what the Devil of a Roman Satyr Juvenal speaks of his own Sex; for tho' he makes Women bad enough, he makes it an easier thing to meet with Prodigies and Monsters, than Men of Sense and Vertue. ”

“ Yet these are Toys, in Men, more wise, To Womens innocent Vanities. While soft Sir Courtly Nice looks great, With the unmortgag'd Rents of his Estate: What is the Learning he adores, But the Discourse of Pimps and Whores? She who can tye, with quaintest Art, The spruce Cravat-string, wins his Heart ”

“ Besides, it is a general Desire in Men, that their Ladies should keep Home, and therefore it is but reasonable they should make their Homes as delightful as it is possible; and therefore this Bubble of an Inventory is not to be thought the Effect of general Repentance, among your Servants and Adorers, but the capricious Malice of some Person envious of the little Remunerations of your Kindnesses for being disbandded from your Conversation ”

“ But to shew that it is no new thing for Ladies to go gay and gaudy, we find in Ovid, that the Women made use of great Variety of Colours for the Silks of which they made their Garments, of which the chiefest in request among them were Azure, Sea-green, Saffron colour, Violet, Ash colour, Rose colour, Chesnut, Almond Colour, with several others, as their Fancy thought fit to make choice ”

“ Which being worn o'th' largest size, That Man Rolls full, the Bully cries. A Term of Art for Knees Concinnity, Beyond the Sense of School-Divinity. What Beau himself would so unman, To ride in scandalous Sedan? A Carriage only fit for Midwives, That of their Burthens go to rid Wives ”

“ For the Alterations of Times and Customs alter the Humors and Fashions of an Age, and change the whole Frame of Conversation. Juno is by the Poets trick'd up in Vestments embroidered with all the Colours of the Peacocks; and no question the Poets spoke with Relation to the Gallantry of the Women of those times. ”

“ Such small Diffusion feeds the Poor, While Misers hoard up all their store. Our Satyr then was one of those Who ne'er had Wealth at his dispose; Or being sped to live in Plenty, Posted to find his Coffers empty ”

“ Now Ladies if good Men are so scarce, what need you care what Fools and bad Men say. 'Tis true it must be acknowledg'd a hard Censure upon Men; but it was a Man that said it; and therefore it makes the better for the Feminine Gender. Well, Ladies, you may be pleas'd to make what use of it you think fit, as being that which will certainly defend ye against all the Picklocks of your Dressing-Rooms for the future ”