John Kendrick Bangs

“ I’ve seen Hamlet done before a highly cultivated audience, and, by Jove, it made me blush."
"Me too," sighed Hamlet. "I have seen a man who had a walk on him that suggested spring-halt and locomotor ataxia combined impersonating my graceful self in a manner that drove me almost crazy. I’ve heard my ‘To be or not to be’ soliloquy uttered by a famous tragedian in tones that would make a graveyard yawn at mid-day, and if there was any way in which I could get even with that man I’d do it." ”

“ The Doctor waved his hand impatiently. "Let’s drop him," he said. "Dropping one’s biographer isn’t without precedent. As soon as any man ever got to know Napoleon well enough to write him up he sent him to the front, where he could get a little lead in his system."
"I wish I had had a Boswell all the same," said Shakespeare. "Then the world would have known the truth about me."
"It wouldn’t if he’d relied on your word for it," retorted the Doctor. "Hullo! here’s Hamlet." ”

“ I mind your railings not, for I the germ of an idea have got."
"Well, go quarantine yourself," said the Doctor. "I’d hate to have one of your idea microbes get hold of me."
"What’s the scheme?" asked Shakespeare.
"You can write a play for me!" cried Hamlet. "Make it a farce-tragedy. Take the modern player for your hero, and let me play him. I’ll bait him through four acts. I’ll imitate his walk. I’ll cultivate his voice. We’ll have the first act a tank act, and drop the hero into the tank. The second act can be in a saw-mill, and we can cut his hair off on a buzz-saw. ”