John Kendrick Bangs

“ Just because I've co-come to ask Dorothy Andrews to change her name to Mrs. Bob Yardsley; as if that were such an unlikely thing for her to do. Gad! I'm almost inclined to despise myself. (Surveys himself in the mirror at one end of the room. Then walking up to it and peering intently at his reflection, he continues.) Bah! you coward! Afraid of a woman—a sweet little woman like [5] Dorothy. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, Bob Yardsley. She won't hurt you. Brace up and propose like a man—like a real lover who'd go through fire for her sake, and all that. ”

“ Enter Yardsley through portière at rear of room.
Yardsley. Ah! So far so good; but I wish it were over. I've had the nerve to get as far as the house and into it, but how much further my courage will carry me I can't say. Confound it! Why is it, I wonder, that men get so rattled when they're head over heels in love, and want to ask the fair object of their affections [4] to wed? I can't see. Now I'm brave enough among men. I'm not afraid of anything that walks, except Dorothy Andrews, and generally I'm not afraid of her. ”

“ Yardsley. Good! good! I congratulate you, Jennie. Hicks is a very fine fellow. Drives like a—like a driver, Jennie, a born driver. I've seen him many a time sitting like a king on his box—yes, indeed. ”

“ Something like this, I fancy. (The portières are parted, and Jennie, the maid, enters. Yardsley does not observe her entrance.) I'll get down on my knees. A man on his knees is a pitiable object, and pity, they say, is akin to love. Maybe she'll pity me, and after that—well, perhaps pity's cousin will arrive. (The maid advances, but Yardsley is so intent upon [6] his proposal that he still fails to observe her. She stands back of the sofa, while he, gazing downward, kneels before it.) ”

“ Ordinarily I have rather envied Jennie her composure.
Yardsley. Oh, I suppose—it's—it's—it's natural for a young girl—a servant—sometimes to lose her—equipoise, as it were, on occasions. If we lose ours at times, why not Jennie? Eh? Huh?
Barlow. Certainly.
Yardsley. Of course—ha—trained [26] servants are hard to get these days, anyhow. Educated people—ah—go into other professions, such as law, and—ah—the ministry—and—
Dorothy. Well, never mind. Let's talk of something more interesting than Jennie. Going to the Chrysanthemum Show, Mr. Barlow?
Barlow. I am; wouldn't miss it for the world. ”

“ Jennie! be calm! Where is Hicks now?
Yardsley. That's so. Where is Hicks? I want to see him.
[62] Jennie. Never fear for that. You'll see him. He's layin' for you outside. An' that, Miss Dorothy, is why I was a-wavin' at him an' sayin' "pst" to him. I wanted to warn him, mum, of his danger, mum, because Hicks is very vi'lent, and he told me in so many words as how he was a-goin' to do—him—up.
Barlow. You'd better inform Mr. Hicks, Jennie, that Mr. Yardsley is already done up.
Yardsley. Do me up, eh? Well, I like that. I'm not afraid of any coachman in creation as long as he's off the box. ”

“ You know, dearest, you must know, how the poet has phrased it—'Fain would I fall but that I fear to climb.' But now—now I must speak. An opportunity like this may not occur again. Will you—will you be my wife? ”

“ Barlow (aside) . Oh, what nonsense this all is! I've got to get ahead of this fellow in some way. (Aloud.) Well, where do I come in? I came here, Miss Andrews, to tell you—
[68] Yardsley (interposing) . You come in where you came in before—just a little late—after the proposal, as it were.
Dorothy (her face clearing and wreathing with smiles) . What a comedy of errors it has all been! I—I believe you, Mr. Yardsley.
Yardsley. Thank Heaven! And—ah—you aren't going to say anything more, D—Dorothy?
HICKS
Dorothy. ”

“ Wha—wha—what's the matter with Jennie?
Dorothy. I only wish I knew. I—
Yardsley (aside) . I'm glad you don't.
Barlow. What say?
Yardsley. I didn't say anything. Why should I say anything? I haven't anything to say. If people who had nothing to say would not insist upon talking, you'd be—
Dorothy. I heard the poor girl weeping down-stairs, and when I went to the dumb-waiter to ask her what was the matter, I heard—I heard a man's voice.
Yardsley. Man's voice?
Barlow. Man's voice is what Miss Andrews said.
Dorothy. Yes; it was Hicks, our [43] coachman, and he was dreadfully angry about something. ”

“ Barlow. Yes, almost too fine to be shut up in-doors. Why aren't you driving, or—or playing golf, or—ah—or being out-doors somewhere? You need [14] exercise, old man; you look a little pale. (Aside.) I must get him away from here somehow. Deuced awkward having another fellow about when you mean to propose to a woman.
Yardsley. Oh, I'm well enough!
"I'LL TIME YOU"
Barlow (solicitously) . You don't look it—by Jove, you don't. (Suddenly inspired.) No, you don't, Bob. You overestimate your strength. It's very wrong to overestimate one's strength. People—ah—people have died of it. ”

“ Very much. Droll idea, though. Just like Bob, eh? Very, very droll. Bob's always dro—
Yardsley (interrupting) . When I see a man walking down the avenue with a chrysanthemum in his button-hole, I always think of a wild Indian wearing a scalp for decorative purposes.
[Barlow and Dorothy laugh at this, and during their mirth Jennie enters with the portfolio. She hands it to Dorothy. Dorothy rests it on the arm of her chair, and, Barlow looking over one shoulder, she goes through it. Jennie in passing out throws another kiss to Yardsley.
[28] Yardsley (under his breath, stamping his foot) . ”

“ In fact, the other night in the Perkinses' conservatory she seemed to be quite ready for a proposal. I'd [12] have done it then and there if it hadn't been for that confounded Bob Yardsley—
Yardsley (turning sharply about) . Eh? Somebody spoke my name. A man, too. Great Heavens! I hope Jennie's friend Hicks isn't here. I don't want to have a scene with Hicks. (Discovering Barlow.) Oh—ah—why—hullo, Barlow! You here?
Barlow (impatiently, aside) . Hang it! Yardsley's here too! The man's always turning up when he's not wanted. (Aloud.) Ah! why, Bob, how are you? What're you doing here? ”

“ Barlow. I guess maybe that's it. How fine it must be in the country now!
[Jennie pokes her head in through the portières again, and follows it with her arm and hand, in which is a feather-duster, which she waves wildly in an endeavor to attract Yardsley's attention.
Dorothy. Divine. I should so love to be out of town still. It seems to me people always make a great mistake returning to the city so early in the fall. [49] The country is really at its best at this time of year. ”

“ Admired him. Gad, Jennie, I'll see [9] him myself and tell him; and what is more, Jennie, I'll—I'll give Hicks a fine present.
Jennie. Yes, sir; I has no doubt as how you'll be doin' the square thing by Hicks, for, as I was a-sayin', I has been engaged like to him, an' he has some rights; but I think as how, if I puts it to him right like, and tells him what a nice gentleman you are (a ring is heard at the front-door) , it'll be all right, sir. But there goes the bell and I must run, Mr. Yardsley. (Ecstatically kissing her hand.) Bob!
Yardsley (with a convulsive gasp) . Bob? Jennie! ”

“ I was standin' behind the sofa, havin' just come in to tell him [57] as how you'd be down shortly. He was standin' before the lookin'-glass lookin' at himself, an' when I come in he turns around and goes down on his knees and says such an importunity may not occur again, mum; I've loved you very long; and then he recited some pottery, mum, and said would I be his wife.
Yardsley (desperately) . Let me explain.
Dorothy. Wait; Mr. Yardsley; your turn will come in a moment.
Barlow. Yes, it'll be here, my boy; don't fret about that. Take all the time you need to make it a good one. Gad! ”

“ A PROPOSAL UNDER DIFFICULTIES
[3]
The scene is laid in a fashionable New York drawing-room. The time is late in October, and Wednesday afternoon. The curtain rising shows an empty room. A bell rings. After a pause the front-door is heard opening and closing. ”