Joseph Swetnam

“ If a woman be neuer so comely, thinke her a counterfait: if neuer so straight, thinke her crooked; if she bee well set, call her a bosse; if slender, a hazell twigge; if browne, thinke her as blacke a as Crow; if well-coloured, a painted wall; if sad, or shame-fac’d, then thinke her a clowne; if merry and pleasant, then she is the liker to be a wanton. But if thou bee such a foole, that thou wilt spend thy time and treasure, the one in the loue of women, and the other to delight them; in my minde thou resemblest the simple Indians, who apparel themselues most richly when they goe to be burned. ”

“ Chuse not a Wife too faire, nor too foule, nor too rich: for if she be faire, euerie one will be catching at her, and if shee bee too foule, a Man will haue no minde to loue her, which no Man likes, and if too rich thou thinkest to marry with one which thou meanest to make thy companion, thou shalt find her a commanding Mistresse, so that riches causeth a Woman to be proud, beauty makes her to be suspected, and hard-fauour maketh her to be hated. ”

“ For there are many troubles, which come galloping at the heeles of a woman, which many young men beforehand do not thinke of. The world is not all made of Oate meale; nor all is not Gold that glisters; nor a smiling countenance is no certaine testimoniall of a merry heart; nor the way to heauen is not strewed with rushes; no more is the cradle of ease in a womans lap. If thou wert a seruant or in bondage before, yet when thou marryest, thy toyle is neuer the nearer ended ”

“ It is said, That an old Dogge and an hungry Flea bite sore; but in my minde a froward woman biteth more sorer: and if thou goe about to master a woman, hoping to bring her to humilitie; there is no way to make her good with stripes, except thou beat her to death: for do what thou wilt, yet a froward woman in her franticke mood will pull, hale, sweare, scratch, and teare all that stands in her way. ”

“ Diuers beasts and fowles by nature have more strength in one part of the body then in another; as the Eagle is the beake, the Vnicorne in the horne, the Bull in the head, the Beare in the armes, the Horse in his Brest, the Dogge in his teeth, the Serpent in his taile: but a womans chiefe strength is in her tongue. ”

“ For the pleasure of the fairest woman in the world lasteth but a hony-moone, that is, while a man hath glutted his affections, and reaped the first fruit: his pleasure being past, sorrow and repentance remaineth still with him. ”

“ It is strange to see the mad feates of women: for they will be now merry, then againe sad; now laugh, then weepe; now sick, then presently whole: all things which like not them, are naught; and if it be neuer so bad, if it like them, it is excellent. Againe, it is death for women to be denyed the thing which they demaund, and yet they will despise things giuen vnasked.
When a woman wanteth any thing, shee will flatter and speake faire ”

“ But if in choyse of thy wife thou be deceiued, as many men are, thou must stand to thy word, which thou madest before the whole Parish, which was, to take her for better for worse, for there is no refusing: shee will sticke to thee as close as a saddle to a horse backe, and if she be frowardly giuen, then shee will vexe thee night and day. ”

“ He that marryeth a faire woman, euery one will wish his death to enioy her; and if thou be neuer so rich, and yet but a Clowne in condition, then will thy faire Wife haue her credit, to please her fancie; for a Diamond hath not his grace but in gold, no more hath a faire woman her full commendations, but in the ornament of her brauery; by which meanes there are diuers women, whose beautie hath brought their husbands into great pouertie and discredit, by their pride and whoredome. ”

“ He that getteth a faire Woman, is like vnto a Prisoner loaden with fetters of gold: for thou shalt not so oft kisse the sweet lips of thy beautifull Wife, as thou shalt be driuen to fetch bitter sighs from thy sorrowfull heart, in thinking of the charge which commeth by her: for if thou deny her of such toyes as she stands not in need of, and yet is desirous of them, then shee will quickly shut thee out of the doores of her fauor, & deny thee her person, and shew her selfe as it were at a Window, playing vpon thee, not with small shot, but with a cruell Tongue ”

“ And yet I cannot let men goe blamelesse, although women goe shamelesse; but I will couch them both: for if there were not receiuers, then there would not be so many stealers; if there were not so many Knaues, there would not be so many Whores; for they both hold together, to boulster each others villany: for alwayes birds of a feather will flocke together, hand in hand, to boulster each others villany. Men I say may liue without women, but women cannot liue without men: For Venus, whose beauty was excellent faire, yet when shee needed a mans helpe, shee tooke Vulcan, a club-footed Smith. ”

“ Thou maist beare a good affection towards thy wife, and yet not let her know it: thou mayest loue her well, and yet nor carry her on thy backe: a man may loue his house well, and yet not ride on the ridge. Loue thy wife, and speake her faire; although thou doe but flatter her; for women loue to be accounted beautifull, and to be mistresses of many maides, and to liue without controlement, and kinde words as much please a woman as any other thing whatsoeuer: and a mans chiefest desire should be first the grace of God, a quiet life, and an honest wife, a good report, and a friend in store ”

“ He that hath sailed at Sea, hath seene the dangers, and he that is married, can tell of his owne woe, but he chat was neuer burnt, will neuer dread the fire. Some will goe to Dice, although they see others loose their money at Play, and some will marry though they beg together. Is it not strange that men should be so foolish to dote on women, who differ so farre in nature from men? ”

“ Amongst all the creatures that God hath created, there is none more subiect to misery then a woman, especiaily those that are fruitfull to beare children: for they haue scarce a moneths rest in a whole yeere, but are continually overcome with paine, sorrow, and feare, as indeed the danger of childe-bearing must needes bee a great terrour to women, which are counted but weake vessels in respect of men, and yet it is supposed that there is no disease that a man endureth, that is one halfe so grieuous or painefull as childe-bearing to a woman: Let it be tooth-ach, gowt, or chollicke ”

“ Among the quietest couples that are, yet houshold iars will arise, but yet such quarrels which happen in the day, are often qualified with kisses in the night; but if it be not so ended, their thrift will goe forward like the carriage which is drawne between two horses, taile to taile, & if she cannot reuenge her selfe with her tongue, nor with her hands, nor with conueying thy goods, yet she will pay thee home priuately; for if thou strike with thy sword, she will strike with the scabbard. ”

“ Is it not strange of what kinde of mettall a womans tongue is made, that neither correction can chasten, nor faire meanes quiet? for there is a kinde of venome in it, that neither by faire meanes nor foule they are to bee ruled. All beasts by men are made tame, but a womans tongue will neuer bee tame; it is but a small thing and seldome seene, but it is often heard, to the terrour and vtter confusion of many a man.
Therefore as a sharpe bit curbes a froward horse, euen so a curst woman must be roughly vsed: but if women could hold their tongues, then many times men would hold their hands. ”

“ The blacke Fiend of Hell, by his inticing sweete sinne of lust, drawes many young wits to confusion: for in time it drawes out the heart bloud of your good names, and that being once lost, is neuer gotten againe. ”

“ There was a very angry couple married together, and a friend being with them at supper, asked them how they could agree together, being both so froward and testie: the good man made him this answere, When I am angry, my wife beareth with me and when she is angry, I beare with her: for with what heart can a man so much as touch a haire of his wiues head? ”

“ Now, the father before he marry his daughter, is to sift throughly the qualities, behauiour, and life of his Son-in-law, for he which meeteth with a ciuill & an honest Son-in-law, getteth a good Son, & he that meeteth with an ill one, casteth away his Daughter. ”

“ It is said, that a man should eate a Bushell of Salt with one which hee meanes to make his Friend, before hee put any great confidence or trust in him: And if thou be so long in choosing a Friend, in my minde thou hadst neede to eate two Bushels of Salt with a Woman, before thou make her thy Wife ”

“ No doubt but the king of Ayra had a very kind and. louing Wife, as shall appeare, for when Alexander the Great had depriued him of the greatest part of his Kingdome, yet he bore it out very patiently, with a valiant and manly courage, and without any shew of ontward griefe at all: but when newes was brought him that his Wife was dead, he then most grieuously brake into teares, and wept bitterly, and withall he said, That the losse of his whole kingdome should not haue grieued him so much, as the death of his Wife. ”

“ Therefore hee which hath a wife of his owne, and yet goeth to another woman, is like a rich Theefe, which will steale when he hath no neede.
There are three wayes to know a Whore: by her wanton lookes, by her speech, and by her gate, Ecclesiasticus 26. and in the same chapter he saith, that we must not giue our strength vnto Harlots: for Whores are the euil of all euils, and the vanitie of all vanities; they weaken the strength of a man, and deprive the body of his beauty; it surroweth the browes, and maketh the eyes dimme: and a whorish woman causeth the Feauer and the Gout ”