Josh Billings

“ No more charming historic war story has ever been written. It is Captain King's best, and bearing, as it does, on the great battle of Mission Ridge, although the story is woven in fiction, it adds an invaluable record of that gigantic contest between the two great armies. ”

“ Honesty iz the rarerest welth enny one kan possess, and yet all the honesty in the world, aint lawful tender for a loaf ov bread. ”

“ THE YELLO JACKET. The yello jacket iz ov the wasp purswashun, and iz about one size smaller than the common blak hornet, and iz az mutch hotter, in hiz coolest moments, than enny other bug, az jersey litening iz hotter than ice kream. They are the most krewel fighters in existence, and will hit a man, or beast, four times in a seckond, in the same spot. They are az yello az gold, and when they are good mad, they blaze like a kandle. When a yello jacket gits mad all the way through, he will fite a brush heap on fire, just az quick az he will a mile stun. ”

“ I kant say if it will pay yu to keep a cow, or not, yu kan buy a "Readdy Reckoner," at enny ov the book stores, for 75 cents, and they tell all about theze things. If i waz called upon to advise a Mother in law, i should tell her never to suggest enny thing in the family at all, if she sees the babys stockings agin the stove, burning up, let them burn, if she sees the kat stealing kream, off from the top ov the milk kans, let her steal, if thare iz enny thing lost, and the whole household are hunting for it, and she knows right whare it iz, keep mum, and let them hunt. ”

“ The lame, and the lazy, hav allwuss been provided for, sumboddy haz allwuss waited on them, and sumboddy allwuss will. I dont luv lazy pholks, i dont even respekt them, but i kant help but admire the way they eat. I never knu a lazy man that didn't hav a good appetight and a square digestion. Lazyness iz the fust law ov natur, and for that reazon is entitled to sum respekt. Lazy folks are allwuss good natured, i hav seen them so docile that they wouldn't fite flies. Lazyness iz often mistaken for shifflessness, but thare iz az much diffrence az thare iz between a hornet, and a fly. ”

“ To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while. ”

“ Tells what occupation to adopt, and what line of life to follow, what associates and partners to choose, how to recognize the possibilities and limitations of our friends and ourselves, and of other important matters to human life, including suggestions on marriage, being mainly culled from the minds of ancient and modern philosophers. ”

“ They are az mean az a man in this respekt. Thare iz no fun in a spider, he iz az lonesum az a mizer, he spends hiz whole life making webs, and watching them, and allways lays at the mouth ov hiz hole, reddy to back in out ov danger. A man will go out ov hiz way rather than step on a kricket, and would rather skare a fly than kill him, az sazzy az he iz, but he goes for a spider with both feet, and seems to feel melankolly if he happens to miss him. Spiders hav no friends in this world, and the reazon must be bekauze their naturs are viscious, and cunning. ”

“ I never knu a fust rate humorist who waz a good laffer, they are willing to make other people laff, but prefer themselfs to stand by and look on. If Mark Twain should be kaught laffing, hiz friends would immejately put him to bed and send for hiz family physician. Nasby, the grate politikal satirist, waz never known to smile but once, and then he, and Pogram, were in the bak end ov the grosery at the crossroads, but the cauze ov hiz mirth iz a profound sekret to this day. The best laffers i hav ever knu, whare thoze who lafft at their own jokes. ”

“ Death is the only safe cure (that haz bin diskovered yet) for the falssehood disseaze. Angleworms are used by sum people az an artikle ov diet— (to ketch fish with) . They are handy tew put onto a hook, and are dredful handy tew take oph agin, az every wicked person knows who haz fished all day Sunday for daice in a mill-pond.
HOUSEKEEPER'S GUIDE. To make boarding-house hash, take a little ov every thing, a good deal ov nothing, and throw in a chunk ov sumthing; jam to a mux, cook over a kold fire, season with hair pins, and sarve it up on the jump. ”

“ Faith has won more viktorys than all the other pashuns ov the harte put together, for faith iz one ov them kind ov warriors that dont kno when she is whipt. But faith iz no milk sop, but a live fighter, she dont set down and gro stupid with resignashun, and git weak with the buty ov her attributes, but she is the heroine ov a forlorn hope. I think now if i couldn't hav but one ov the moral attributes i would take it all in Faith, and tho i mite make sum fust rate blunders, i would do a rushing bizzness amung the various kinds ov dri bones that iz lieing around loose in the world. ”

“ If all the krows, and injuns, in this world were tame and, civilized, yu could bid fairwell to all other manuel, and mental labor, and spend all yure time, and talents, studying the pesky, infernal kritters. Krows assemble in the fall ov the year, 30 thousand ov them, or more, in council, and appoint their deakons for the following year. At this grate kawkuss, rezolushuns ov a inflamitory natur are passed, daming the farmers for putting up skare krows in the kornfields, plans are laid for next years stealings, and each krow swopping wives, the meeting disseminates, and the krows fli away. ”

“ When a rooster gits whipped the hens all march off with the other rooster if he aint haff so big, or so hansum. It is pluck that wins a hen. Roosters az a class wont do enny household work; yu kant git a rooster tew pay enny attenshun tew a yungone. They spend most ov their time in crowing and strutting, and once in a while they find a worm, which they make a grate fuss over, calling their wives up from a distance, apparently tew treat them, but jist az the hens git thare, this elegant cuss bends over, and gobbles up the worm. ”

“ Once more, hire out to keep a distrikt skool for 9 dollars per month, and hash around the naborhood, or take a 3 year old kiking heifer to brake to milk, this will open yure swareing valves, and so hurry the blood, that the blues will leave yu in disgust, and fasten their fangs on to sum other phellow. Againly, go down into sum marsh in the kingdum ov Nu Jersey fishing for frogs in the month ov August, and fish with one hand, and slap muskeeters with the other, and the blues will take the hint and vacate yure natur like a shooting-star. ”

“ Charity hath no markit-price here, nor hereafter, thare iz menny a penny in the grate box that will kount out brighter, at the last day, than enny dollar that iz thare. But thoze people who are the soonest to melt with charity, are often the soonest to freeze up,—i have seen them so fastidious that they couldn't meet an objikt ov charity, without plunging their hand into one pocket, and taking out a ten cent piece, put it right bak into the other, thus satisfying their charity, and saving their munny at the same time. ”

“ Ekonemy haz made more munny in this world than spekulashun ever haz, and thare iz another thing about it, she allwuss hangs on to it. Thare iz only one trubble about ekonemy, it sumtimes runs into avarice, and then all itz buty iz destroyed. It iz better to be a spendthrift, than a mizer. The Billings family hav allwuss bin noticed in history for their ekonemy. Jericho Billings, one ov our primevals, kept the same pair ov boots 26 years, but he wore out 9 souls, and 5 pairs ov upper leathers in the meantime.
HARK! Cunning men are like a hand saw,—they only hav teeth on one side ov them. ”

“ Dear Luke.—I kant bear to see enny man strike a dog, i kno dogs are full ov fleas, but i kno they are full ov affeckshun too. I am very sad when i think that affeckshun iz no protekshun to man, nor kritter in this kold, and ironklad world. It would seem that a lamb ought to git along thru life more fluently than a hornet duz, but they duzzent, and i also notiss that the most suckcessful hornets are thoze who are bilt with a stinger on both ends ov them. I love the lambs, but respekt the hornets. ”

“ Hiz instrument iz a bo, and arro, and he kan assassinate the stupendous elephant 440 yards distant, or pik a single feather off from the top ov a humming birds hed on the fly The centaur allwuss hunts on horsebak, and leads a free and cheap life. When in the ackt ov shooting the vast elephant, or the remorseless tiger, hiz hed iz thrown finely bak, hiz eye gleams like a lost jewell, hiz hair quivers like an aspen leaf, courage smiles in hiz face, hiz breast grows wider, and the muscles in hiz arm hang down like hornets' nests, hiz tale whips the air, and hiz hooffs ov steel ring on the turf. ”

“ She iz luvly, and brittle, but she haz run up everything we really enjoy in this life from 25 cents on the dollar to par. Adam, without Eve, would hav been az stupid a game az playing checkures alone. Thare haz been more butiful things sed in her praze than thare haz ov enny other animate thing, and she is worthy ov them all. She is not an angell tho, and i hope she wont never go into the angell bizzness. Angells on earth dont pay. The only mistake that woman haz ever made iz to think she iz a better man than Adam. ”

“ Hornets bild their nest whereever they take a noshun to, and seldum are asked to move, for what would it profit a man tew murder 99 hornets, and have the one hundred one hit him with hiz javelin. I kan't tell you jist tew a day how long a hornet kan live, but I kno from experience, that every bug, be he hornet or sumboddy else, who iz mad all the time, and stings every good chance he kan git, generally outlives all ov his nabors. ”

“ He iz mad all the time about sumthing, and dont seem to kare a kuss what people think ov him. A skool boy will studdy harder enny time to find a bumble bees nest than he will to git hiz lesson in arithmetik, and when he haz found it, and got the hunny out ov it, and got badly stung into the bargin, he finds thare aint mutch margin in it. Next to poor mollassis, bumble bee hunny iz the poorest kind ov sweetmeats in market. Bumble bees hav allwuss been in fashion, and probably allwuss will be, but whare the fun, or proffit lays in them, i never could cypher out. ”

“ A little fun will sumtimes go a grate ways, i hav known men to liv to a good old age on one joke, which they managed to tell az often az once a day, and do all the laffing themselves besides that waz done. But thare iz lots ov pholks who kant see enny phun in enny thing, yu couldn't fire a joke into them with a double barrell gun, 10 paces off, they go thru life az sollum az a cow. Menny people think it iz beneath their dignity to relish a joke, sutch people are simply fools, and dont seem to kno it. ”

“ She iz sumtimes a leetle hard to suit, but iz quite often the most charming relick in the naborhood. Next to mothers in law, old maids hav been abuzed more than enny thing human, but they all ov them hav a warm spot in their hearts, that enny decent person iz welkum to krawl into, and sun themselfs.
BLISTERS. Too mutch attenshun to little things spiles a man for bigger ones, I kno a fellow who kan make a fust rate whissell out ov a pigs tail, and this iz all he kan do.
Wit, in a woman, kan never replace the want ov buty. ”

“ It is alwus mi way when i dont kno nothing about enny thing, to look learned, and smile wisdum. Mi private opinyun iz, that pisces iz a pikerel, or a porgy, or a perch, and weighed originally about 9 pounds, but i dont want to bet on this. I kant tell whether Pisces would bite on an angleworm or not, but i think thare iz sum law aginst fishing in private ponds. Pisces iz a game fish, but what hiz game iz i dont kno, but probably hi lo Jak, or draw poker. ”