Josh Billings

“ He says, that if you bathe a curly-tailed dog’s tail in oil and bind it in splints, you cannot get the crook out of it; and Josh, who says a sight of good things, says that a man’s way of thinking is the crook in the dog’s tail, and can’t be got out, and that every one should be allowed to wag his own peculiarity in peace. ”

“ Menny people spend their time trieing tew find the hole whare sin got into this world—if two men brake through the ice into a mill pond, they had better hunt for sum good hole tew git out, rather than git into a long argument about the hole they cum tew fall in. ”

“ Fun is indigenous to the soil, it wells up from the Western prairie, sparkles in the foam of Niagara, springs up in the cotton-fields of the South, and oozes out from the paving-stones of the cities of the North. ”

“ Some speculative man in New York or Boston thinks what a good and profitable enterprise it would be to engage the funny man whose printed jokes circulate everywhere, engage to give him so much per month for a year or two, have some large woodcuts engraved, some showy posters struck off, some smart advertisements written, halls taken throughout the country, and the man of many jokes made to retail them all over the land at an admission fee varying from one xxvi dollar down to twenty-five cents. ”

“ In America a popular author has much more scope for gaining publicity and popularity than he has in England. The newspapers of the Union are always ready to receive pithy paragraphs from clever men, and to attach the authors’ name to them. The great secret of the popularity of Artemus Ward and of Josh Billings is simply that which the late Albert Smith of England so well understood years ago, never to publish any article, however trivial or lengthy, without the signature or the initials of the writer to it. ”

“ As laughter is conducive to health, and as nothing is learned so easily and remembered so tenaciously as that with which something pleasant is connected, this volume will prove doubly advantageous, as it consists of matter in which wit and wisdom are so equally mingled, that the reader will rise from its perusal undecided whether he has gained most by its reading, bodily health, or general knowledge. ”

“ Lazyness iz a good deal like money—the more a man haz ov it, the more he seems tew want. ”

“ The devil himself, with all hiz genius, allways travels under an alias—this shows the power of truth and morality.
If a dog falls in love with you at first sight, it will do to trust him—not so with a man.
One ov the hardest things to do is to be a good listener, thoze who are stone deaf succeed the best.
If you don’t kno how to lie, cheat and steal, turn yure attenshun to pollyticks, and learn how.
Thare are men who seem to be born on purpose to step into 291 every thing, they kant set a common rat trap without gitting ketched in it. ”

“ Show me a thoroughly contented person, and i will show yu an useless one. ”

“ When Nuñez de Balboa in the olden time had his first peep of the Pacific, and beheld the ocean which no European had before seen, from an eminence which is now a station of the railway, he little thought that in a few centuries hence the steam xvii engine would haul thousands upon thousands of Christians up to the same summit, and allow them to enjoy the same sight at so many American dollars each. Terribly prosaic is this earth becoming! ”

“ Our men are bigger, and longer, and thicker, can fight harder and faster, drink more mean whiskey, chew more bad tobacco, and spit more, and spit further than in any other country. Our ladies are richer, prettier, dress finer, spend more money, break more hearts, wear bigger hoops, shorter dresses, and kick up the devil generally to a greater extent than all other ladies in all other countries. ”

“ Prudery iz nothing more than the tropikal fruits of the hearts gardens raized at the north end ov it, prudes, and coquets, are the extremes of the same pashuns, and the philosophers tell us, that “extremes meet.” A prude skorns tew make a conquest, not upon principle, but bekause she kant, she hates a man with her love.
A prude iz nothing more than an ill looking coquet, give the prude buty, and yer have got a coquet, and the bitterest prudes the world ever saw, are the old, and battle worn coquets, who are too decrepid to take the field. ”

“ One good way i kno ov to find happiness iz not by boreing 254 a hole to fit the plugg, but by making a plugg to fit the hole. ”

“ Jealousy is nothing more than vanity, for if we love another more than we do ourselfs we shant be jealous.
Thare iz lots ov folks in this world who, rather than not find enny fault at all, wouldn’t hesitate tew say tew an angle worm, that hiz tail waz altogether too long for the rest ov hiz boddy.
Thare iz menny who are kut out for smart men, but who won’t pay for making up.
Envy iz an insult tew a man’s good sense; for envy iz the pain we feel at the excellencies ov others.
How menny people thare iz whoze souls lay in them, like the pith in a goose quill. ”

“ Cowper, one ov the very few men, who hav lived yet, who waz pure enuff, tew monopolize a woods, without enny company but his soul, and the God who made it. Most people holler for solitude without thinking that it iz a thickly settled place, full ov memorys. Solitude is the last place for a good man to go to, and the only place that a wicked man kant liv in. Even wild beasts dont like solitude, and luv tew see the smoke ov a chimbly. Solitude, in small doses, iz all well enuff, but 25 miles square ov it, would make most men, either a counterfiter, or a hoss thief. ”

“ The Rhine of America never was seen to more advantage than it was on that bright summer’s day, and Poughkeepsie never looked fairer than as I saw it from the middle of the stream. I landed at a town on the left bank, crossed the river, went down to Poughkeepsie by rail, and arrived there late in the evening, I knew of only two staple products of the place, and they were—whiskey and spiritualism. ”

“ I hav spent a large porshun ov mi life in hopeing, and praying that every boddy mite be suckcessful, and happy, and i intend tew spend a grate deal more time in the same bizzness, but i am satisfied that the philosophy ov the whole thing iz kontained in this passage, “the devil take the hindmost.”
Success don’t konsist in never making blunders, but in never making the same one the seckond time.
He who trusts tew luck for his happiness, will be lucky when he gits it.
While we are poor, the necessarys ov life are the luxurys, after we git ritch, the luxurys are the necessarys. ”

“ Every boddy in this world wants watching, but none more than ourselves. ”

“ The flattery that men offer tew themselfs iz the most dangerous, bekause the least suspekted.
Take a kitten that kan hardly walk on land, and chuck him into a mill pond, and he will swim ashore—enny boddy kan apply the moral in this. The best philosophers and moralists i hav ever met, hav been thoze who had plenty to eat, and drink, and had money at interest.
It takes a wize man to suffer prosperity, but most enny phool kan suffer adversity.
Pride, after all, iz one ov our best friends—it makes us beleave we are better and happier than our nabors. ”

“ Misanthropy don’t pay—thare aint no man living whoze hate the world cares one cuss for. ”

“ Thare iz but phew people in this world underrated.
Honesty iz the only aristokrasy that i acknoweledge; an honest man iz alwus a well-bred man and a gentleman.
Politeness iz not only the most powerful, but the cheapest argument I kno ov. The more wrinkles i kan see in a man’s face the better i like it, provided a smile lays in each one ov the gutters.
The philosophers tell us that “natur abhors a vacum.” This ackounts for the sawdust in sum mens heds.
Thare iz now and then a person to whom sosiety owes menny obligashuns, but most people owe all thare iz ov them tew sosiety. ”

“ Every boddy seems tew dispize a hippokrit—God, man, and the devil.
An idle man iz always a bizzy one—he spends all hiz time hunting for nothing to do.
Thare are but phew people in this world who make more trouble than a bizzy phool.
Knowledge iz power no doubt, but it iz not always virtew—thare are sum people who only edukate their vices.
Every man should kno sumthing ov law—if he knows enuff tew keep out ov it, he iz a pretty good lawyer. ”

“ This world will never be rid ov the dandy, there iz so many pincushion hearts, and heads not made for brains, thare iz so much vanity that iz amply pleazed with a dog’s head on a bamboo cane, thare iz so mutch kindness in looking glasses, thare is so mutch fragrance in the extrackts ov Lubin, thare iz sich a glory in being a pin feather king, for an evening, among silly hearts, that young dandys will keep being born, and old dandys will frisk, in spite of their gout, or enny bodys philosophy. ”

“ Men mourn for what they hav lost—wimmin, for what they hain’t got.
I judge ov a man’s virtew entirely bi his phashions—it iz a grate deal eazier tew be a good dove, than a decent sarpent.
Thare are menny ways to find out how brave and how honest a man may be, but thare aint no way to find out the extent ov hiz vanity.
A lie iz like a cat, it never cums to yu in a straight line.
Natur iz a kind mother. She couldn’t well afford to make us perfekt, and so she made us blind to our failings.
Studdy the heart if yu want to learn human natur; there ain’t no human natur in a man’s head. ”

“ I dont hanker after bad luck, but I had rather run the risk ov it than trust too mutch in the professions ov men.
Just in proportion that a man iz thankful to Heaven, and hiz nabor, just in that proportion he iz happy.
It iz a dredful fine thing to whip a young one jist enuff, and not enny more. I take it that the spot iz lokated jist whare their pride ends, and their mad begins.
Blessed iz them who hav no eye for a key, nor ear for a knot-hole.
A man should learn tew be a good servant to himself before he iz fit to boss others. ”

“ Time iz like money, the less we hav ov it teu spare the further we make it go. ”

“ I never diskuss politiks nor sektarianism; i beleave in letting every man fight hiz rooster hiz own way.
Pride seems tew be quite equally distributed; the man who owns the carriage and the man who drives it seem tew have it just alike.
If we giv up our minds tew little things we never shall be fit for big ones. I knew a man once who could ketch more flies with one swoop ov his hand than enny boddy else could, and he want good at ennything else.
Human happiness konsists in having what yu want, and wanting what yu hav. ”

“ If a man iz happy, he kan afford to be poor and neglekted.
Thare iz nothing we brag ov more than our honesty, and we all ov us kno that our honesty iz az mutch the effekt ov interest az principle.
It don’t show good judgment to be surprized at ennything in this world, for thare is nothing more certain than uncertainty.
Every human physikal lump on the face ov this earth iz susceptible tew flattery; sum yu kan daub it on with a white-wash brush, while others must hav it sprinkled on them, like the dew from flowers.
Every man haz a perfekt right tew hiz opinyun, provided it agrees with ours. ”

“ To love, requires both brains and a soul; and a dandy in love would be az whimsikal a sight az a butterfly kneeling at the feet ov a tulip.
Your real dandy iz a long-lived bird; hiz pashions are weak, but regular, and like a watch, the works and the case wear out together.
He grows old like a boquet, and is brisk, and in humor to the last.
Dandys hav no courage; their pashuns are a mixtur ov weak and delikate things; they kant insult, nor be insulted; they are rabbits among men, and among wimmin, not bold enuff tew be feared, nor useless enuff to be dispized. ”

“ If a man haint got ennything in hiz natur but vanity and self-love, he iz very apt tew want to be an old bachelor, and generally makes a good specimen ov the critters; but what more disgusting traits can a man have than these?—and thare iz no stronger argument in favor ov gitting married than the fackt that thare aint nothing that will kure theze komplaints so thoroly az a wife and fifteen or twenty babes. ”

“ Faith wont make a man virtewous, but it makes what virtew he haz got red hot. Those who expekt tew keep themselfs pure in this life, must keep their souls bileing all the time, like a pot, and keep all the time skimming the surface.
It don’t do tew trust a man too mutch, who iz alwus in a hurry, he iz like a pissmire, whose heart and bones lays in hiz heels.
Thare iz nothing so delishus tew the soul ov man az an ockashional moment ov sadness.
The man whose only plezzure in this life, iz making munny, weighs less on the moral skales than an angleworm. ”

“ Menny people are hunting after uncommon sense, but they never find it a good deal; uncommon sense iz ov the nature of genius, and all genius iz the gift of God, and kant be had, like hens eggs, for the hunting.
Good, old-fashioned common sense iz one ov the hardest things in the world to out-wit, out-argy, or beat in enny way, it iz az honest az a loaf ov good domestik bread, alwus in tune, either hot from the oven or 8 days old. ”

“ The eazyest thing for our friends to diskover in us, and the hardest thing for us to diskover in ourselfs, iz that we are growing old. ”

“ Let no man flatter himself that he kant be spared. Thare iz more people waiting tew step into hiz shuze than he iz aware ov.
The longer i liv the more i am convinced that mankind gro different not worse. Us old pholks are apt to konfound the terms.
A wicked man iz no kompany for himselfs.
All people luv authority, but the vulgar luv it the most.
It iz eazy enuff tew get at enny man’s wealth, for he that alwus wants more iz poor, and he that would be satisfied with less iz ritch.
We pitty others bekauz we are better oph ourselves; the unfortunate dont pitty the unfortunate. ”

“ A phool seems tew be a person who haz more will than judgment, and more vanity than either.
The fust intimashun i had that i waz gitting old waz, i found myself telling to mi friends the same storys over again.
In repenting ov sins, men are apt tew repent ov thoze they haint got, and overlook thoze they hav.
A dandy never yet fell in love—only with himself.
Revenge sumtimes sleeps, but vanity always keeps one eye open.
Thoze folks who expekt to fail in an enterprise, most generally do.
A man with only one accomplishment kant expekt to interest us long. ”

“ Hope haz made a grate menny blunders, but thare iz one thing about her that i alwus did like—she means well.
Sum people are good simply bekauze they are too lazy tew be wicked, and others, bekauze they hant got a good chance.
Thare iz one thing that i am not only certain, but proud ov—thare iz more people in this world who hav changed from bad to good, than from good to bad.
In munny, interest phollows the principal; in morals, principle often phollows the interest. ”

“ Mankind loves misterys—a hole in the ground, excites more wonder than a star in the heavans. ”

“ All whom he kills die with a smile upon their faces.” In directing his shafts against humbug, pretension, and falsity he worthily carries out the true vocation of the comic writer. Many authors there are who write funnily merely to amuse. There is always a higher purpose peeping out from among the quaint fancies and odd expressions of Josh Billings. Just inasmuch as America is prolific of humorists and satirists, does she require them. The bane and the antidote grow in the same garden. ”

“ If every man waz a genius, mankind would be az bad oph az the heavens would be, with every star a comet, things would git hurt badly, and noboddy tew blame.
Common sense iz instinkt, and instinkt don’t make enny blunders mutch, no more than a rat duz, in coming out, or going intew a hole, he hits the hole the fust time, and just fills it.
Genius iz always in advance ov the times, and makes sum magnificent hits, but the world owes most ov its tributes to good hoss sense. ”

“ Men are often praized for their sagassity, but all the fore-sight in the world kant tell a dubble yelked egg untill it iz broken. ”

“ Hunting after happiness, iz like hunting after a lost sheep in the wilderness, when yu find it, the chances are, that it iz a skeleton. ”

“ I hav lived in this world jist long enuff tew look karefully the seckond time into things that i am the most certain ov the fust time. ”