Jr. Horatio Alger

“ I'm sure I don't see how that makes them exempt From all sorts of sickness and woman's complaints, With nothing to hinder if appetite tempt From eating or drinking as happy as saints. Oh Lord, now, this pudding so delicate made, And gravy I'm sure with nothing that's rich in, That one of those women who beg as a trade, The whole in one stomach could leisurely pitch in, Is now in my own so terribly painful in feeling, Its calls for relief are most loudly appealing. ”

“ With prices outrageous they charge now for meat, And servants so worthless are every day growing, I wonder we get half enough now to eat, And shouldn't if 't want for the fact of my going To market to cheapen potatoes and beef, And talk to the butchers about their abuses, And listen to stories beyond our belief, They tell while they cheat us, by way of excuses. And grocers—do tell us—is 't legal to charge Such prices for sugar, and butter, and flour? Oh, why don't the Mayor in his wisdom enlarge Both weight and measure as he does 'doubtful power?'
The Dinner-bell Rings. ”

“ Merdle Describes the Sufferings of Dyspepsia and its Remedy. But come, now, I hear by the sound of the ringing That dinner is ready; and time none to spare To finish our eating in time for the singing At Niblo's; or at Burton's drop in for a stare. To 'kill time' the object, whatever the source is, And that is the reason we sit at the table And call for our dinner in slow-coming courses, To kill, while we eat, all the time we are able. ”

“ The Argument THOUGH famine prevails not at all in the city; Though none of starvation have died in the street; Yet many there are now exciting our pity, Who're daily complaining of nothing to eat. The every-day cry and the every-day fare, That's every day heard where the Livewells are dining, Is nothing to eat, or else nothing to wear, Which naked and starving rich Merdles are whining. There's Kitty Malone—Mrs. Merdle 'tis now— Was ever on earth here before such a sinner; Protesting, excusing and swearing a vow, She'd nothing worth eating to give us for dinner. ”

“ I envy the women that beg at the door, Or hire out for wages to handle your kettles, And wash, bake, and iron, and do nothing but cooking, So rugged and healthy, and often good looking: The doctor has told me except when they're mothers, They never take tincture, or rhubarb, or pill, And swears the profession if there were no others, Their patients would use up, and starve out and kill. ”

“ So fortune and fashion with this one we've seen Her money and fortune in fashion has kept her; While slaves of the queen with her hoops rules the day, Expanding their utmost extent of expansion, And mandates of fashion most freely obey, And would if it bid all their souls to extinction. ”

“ My doctor, so queer, when I suffer distress, Inquires what I've latterly foolishly eaten, And swears that to swallow this 'horrible mess,' Would entitle a dog like a dog to be beaten. But la! such a doctor knows nothing of women's complaints, And talks Latin nonsense about 'regular diet;' And thinks that us mortals—should live more like saints, On moonshine and nonsense of a heavenly quiet. ”

“ When dining in public with Jones, Smith or Brown, Or some other practical men of the nation, Is worse on the whole than a little starvation. But come home with me for the sake of Lang Syne, And see Mrs. Merdle and see how we dine. I must not expect,” he advised in advance, “To meet with a dinner got up in perfection, But must run the risk of the luck and the chance, As candidates do on the day of election.” ”

“ For true when I think of the places we eat at, Or rather the places by hunger when driven We rush in and swallow our bread and our meat at, A bushel good measure in life will be given To those who are living a “boarding-house life,” Or those who are driven by fortune to journey, And eat when we must with so dirty a knife, I wish't could be done by the power of attorney ”

“ Where women by husbands are never tormented, And never asked money where husbands dissented? And never see others, their rivals, in fashion ahead, And never have doctors—a woman's great dread— And nothing, I hope, like my own indigestion, To torment and starve them, as this one does me, And keep them from sipping—forgive the suggestion— The nectar etherial they drink for their tea. ”

“ Why any prefer in a hotel to stay, Instead of a house of their choosing to own, Is just to avoid all the trouble, they say, That servants to give us are certainly prone, I'm sure if a tyranny more terrible prevails, In Austria or other despotic domain, My memory where most certainly fails, That servants and milliners over us gain, Just here in New York, and the more is the pity, Where Wood is the Mogul that governs the city. ”

“ Where men in corruption so rapidly tending, In morals and wealth in bankruptcy ending. That forging and stealing and breaches of trust, And ten thousand arts of the confidence game, And follies uncounted of men “on a bust,” Are follies and crimes of this age to our shame, Till angels who witness the folly so wide Extended from palace to farm-house and cot, Might wonder if mortals life's objects forgot, Or Merdle's position is man's common lot? ”

“ The Dinner Table Talk. Now soup, if you like made of beef very nice, You'll find this the next thing to the height of perfection; And eaten with ketchup, or thickened with rice, Will suit you I know, if this is your selection. My own disposition to this one inclines, But dreadful dyspepsia destroys all the pleasure Of dinner, except it's well tinctured with wines Which plan I adopt as a health-giving measure. A table well ordered, well furnished, and neat, No wonder our nature for ever is tempting ”

“ The 'outside barbarians,' I freely confess, Who ogle our faces and ogle our dress, Who spit where we walk as dirty a puddle As bipeds can make when their brains are 'a muddle,' Do not prove the inside is as dirty as they are, Or else the gods help all the ladies who stay there. ”

“ Yet look at the thousands whose every day prayer, Far more than their own or their neighbor's salvation, Absorbs every thought, every dream, and all care, “To eat or to wear, is anything new in creation?” ”

“ Merdle 'tis now— Was there ever on earth than this, greater folly? Still gorging, while groaning, and swearing a vow, That yours is a case of most sad melancholy. With table that Croesus never had but might covet, You live but to eat and to eat 'cause you love it; And yet while you swallow great sirloins of meat Complain like a beggar of nothing to eat.
He Discourseth of the Wherefore of Bachelorism. “What else do we live for in this world beside?” Alas! 't is the question of ten times a day, That comes on the wind, or that floats on the tide, And creeps in the houses where men go to pray. ”

“ So fortune and comfort, that should be like brothers, Though fought for and bled for where fortunes are made, Though sought for and failed of by ten thousand others, Are not worth the fighting and fuss that is made. But fortune for Merdle by Cupid was cast, And bade him look higher than wax and the last, That Merdle his father, with good honest trade, Had used with the stitches his waxed end had made. I knew when old Merdle lived down by the mill, I often went fishing and Jack dug the bait ”

“ Where no one is wretched with purses unbent, With nothing to wear and nothing to eat. Where women no longer are treated la Turk, Where husbands descended from Saxon or Norman, For women when sickly are willing to work, And not long for Utah and pleasures la Mormon— Where men freely marry and live with their wives, And not live as you do, mon Colonel, so single. ”

“ What else is the end of our fashionable life From which men escape as they would from conscription? What else is the reason so few natives marry, Than this, that extravagance leads on to ruin? It is because few men are able to carry The load of this baking and roasting and stewing, Of buying and wasting extravagant meat, Where women are dying of “nothing to eat;” ”

“ And I'd like to know if Mahomet could beat Its pleasures—dyspepsia for ever exempting— With all that he promised in paradise gained, With Houris attendant in place of the churls With which we are worried, tormented, and pained— The colored men servants, or green Irish girls. ”

“ And that is just what, as our butcher explains, The dickens has played with our beef and our mutton; But something is gained, for, with all of his pains, The poor man won't make of himself such a glutton. I'm sure if they knew what a sin 't is to eat, When things are all selling at extravagant prices, That poor folks more saving would be of their meat, And learn by example how little suffices. ”

“ Or sweeping, whose hoops in the street are most sweeping; The burthen is not of this truth-telling lay, That should in its reading the world set to weeping, While telling the suff'rings from head to the feet, Of poor human beings with nothing to eat. ”

“ Though as for the 'stuck up' no walls built of brick, Or granite, or marble, or dirty red sand, Could stick up a man who himself's but a stick, An inch above where he would naturally stand. To witness the truth of this final assertion, I call you to witness the sticks at the door, Where they make it a daily, a 'manly' diversion, To ogle each woman, and sometimes do more, Who passes the hotel that's named by a saint, Where boorish bad manners give room for complaint. ”

“ Merdle doubts Paradise's Uneating Pleasure. Though Houris are handsome, though lovely the place— More lovely perhaps than our own country seat— I never could see, in the light of free grace What pleasure they have there with nothing to eat. With nothing to wear, if the climate is suiting, We might get along I am sure pretty well; No washing and starching and crimping and fluting, No muslin and laces and trouble of dressing, they tell, E'er troubles the women, or bothers the men, Who soon grow accustomed, as people do here, To fashions prevailing, and things that they ken ”

“ You're starving while waiting for something to eat— Thank fortune I told you how poorly we live— I hope John now will give us a piece of roast meat, Or else such a dinner you'd never forgive. Why yes, Merdle, look, there is beef on that dish— Jane Hill, don't you see, there's a plate here to shift— That John is now bringing—'t is all he can lift— And Colonel, that turkey, you know 't is my wish— You know that Excelsior's your motto in carving— As nothing more now we shall have on the table “We'll eat and give thanks this day that we're able To keep our poor bodies entirely from starving. ”

“ So bring in the pudding, if Susan's got one, Which will for a while one's appetite stay.
Mrs. Merdle Discourseth of Pudding. A pudding! why yes, as I live, too, it's plum; So plain, Susan makes them on purpose for me I never refuse, when the plum puddings come, To finish my dinner, if finished 't can be On things unsubstantial, like puddings and pies, So made up of suet, and currants, and flour, Like this one before us, to get up the size, And stirred up and beaten with eggs by the hour, With bread crumbs, and citron, and small piece of mace ”

“ The whole after cooking six hours at the least, When thus well compounded with delicate skill, With wine sauce is eaten, to finish the feast, And suits the digestion of ladies quite ill, Who suffer as I do, from having bad cooks, And very weak stomachs, and food that near kills 'em ”

“ To dresses that sweep like a besom the street; To dresses so gauzy the hoops through are seen; To shoes quite as gauzy to cover the feet; But watch how a man here goes raving and swearing, At wife and all hands, if they've nothing to eat! ”

“ It's nice while the wine at our leisure we sip; And good with a cracker in wine we can dip. {Illustration: “MY APPETITE'S NONE OF THE BEST AND SO I MUST PAMPER THE DELICATE THING. AND TICKLE A FANCY THAT'S VERY CAPRICIOUS WITH BITS OF A TURKEY, THE BREAST OR THE WING. WITH KIRF VERY TENDER AND GRAVY DELICIOUS."}
Mrs. Merdle Accepteth of a slight Dinner, suitable for a Woman suffering with Dyspepsia. Some turkey? why yes—the least mite will suffice; A side bone and dressing and bit of the breast ”