Leo Tolstoy

“ My husband, on the contrary, from the day of this son's birth, had become his old self, gentle, calm, and home-loving, recalling for his child, all his former tenderness and gaiety. Often when I went in my balldress into the child's nursery, to give him the evening benediction before starting and found my husband there, I would catch a glance of reproach, or a severe and watchful look fixed upon me, and I would all at once feel ashamed. I was myself terrified at my indifference towards my own child, and I acked myself: " Can I be so much worse than other women? ”

“ I asked myself. " Why not use the power of his love? But perhaps he no longer loved me?" Yet, whether he was to blame or not, here was this on my cheek, this kiss which I still felt. The nearer I came to Heidelberg, and the more clearly my husband's image presented itself, the more terrible became the imminent meeting with him. " ”

“ The life in the world, which, at first, had bewildered me with its splendor and the gratification it afforded to my self-love, had soon established entire dominion over my inclinations, and become at once a habit and a bondage, occupying in my soul that place which I had fancied would be the home of sentiment. ”

“ Lady C. was more the high born dame " while yours," he said, alluding to me, " is one of the little princesses so often sent us by Russia." He concluded by saying that it was very discreet in me not to attempt to contest the field with Lady C., for, if I did, I most assuredly would find Baden my burial-place.
This cut me to the quick.
" Unless she chose to console herself with you!" added the Frenchman with a gay, cruel laugh.
" If she goes, I shall follow," was the coarse reply of the voice with the Italian accent.
" Happy mortal! he can still love!" ”

“ But what is to be done?" I questioned. " Of course I love my son, but, for all that, I cannot sit down beside him for whole days at a time, that would bore me to death; and as for making a pretence, nothing in the world would induce me to do such a thing!"
The death of my husband's mother was a great grief to him; it was very painful to him, he said, to live after her at Nikolski, but though I also regretted her and really sympathized with his sorrow, it would have been at that time more agreeable, more restful to me, to return and make our residence there. ”

“ Those former relations, when any thought, any sensation, not communicated to him, oppressed me like a crime; when all his actions, all his words, appeared to me models of perfection; when, from sheer joy, we would laugh at nothing, looking at each other; those relations had so insensibly changed into something quite different, that we ourselves hardly admitted the transformation. ”

“ I intended joining you at Baden to-morrow." But a second glance at me seemed to startle him. " Is anything wrong? What is the matter with you?" he exclaimed.
"Nothing," I replied, keeping back my tears. " I have come away ... I am not going back ... Let us go to-morrow if we can home to Russia!" ”

“ To make of one's life a romance, ^that is the only good. And my romances never break off in the middle; this one, like the others, I will carry out to the end."
" Good luck, my friend!" said the Frenchman.
I heard no more for the speakers seemed to turn the angle of the wall, and their steps receded on the other side. They descended the broken stairs, and in a few moments emerged from a sidedoor near us, showing much surprise at the sight of us. I felt my cheeks flame when Marquis D. approached me, and was confused and frightened at his offering me his arm upon our leaving the castle. ”

“ I said that I was not well, making that a pretext for giving up society. I very seldom went out, and then only in the morning, alone, to drink the waters, or for a quiet walk or drive about the environs with L. M., one of my Russian acquaintances. My husband was absent at this time, having gone, some days before, to Heidelberg, to wait there until the end of my prescribed stay should allow our return to Russia, and he came to see me only now and then. ”