“ That it takes you away from town in the dog days for a clear fortnight.
That, being farther away from London than Wimbledon, you escape the more easily the attention of those who love tea, flirtation, and strawberries and cream.
That there is plenty to do at the ranges with the rifle, and to see in the neighbourhood on a bicycle.
That the conversation of your comrades is congenial, if slightly "shoppy."
That, after all, it is better to talk all day of scores, than of links or tyres.
That if the life becomes too monotonous, a train can carry you back to Waterloo in forty minutes. ”

“ But just when hope was dying in every breast, and the only possible course seemed to be to wait patiently until the enemy attacked and destroyed them, a small motor-car with red-hot bearings whizzed through the crowd and stopped before the general. Need we mention that its driver was none other than Henry de Plantagenet? (He's my hero, of course, and he went out scouting on his own account—as heroes do—in the last chapter.)
"Sir," he cried triumphantly, "I have news, great news!" ”

“ Never allow your common-sense to overcome your natural modesty so far as to induce you to report to a superior officer the presence of the enemy in force. You will only acquire a reputation for officiousness by doing so. ”

“ The old constitutional force is so undermanned in the commissioned ranks, that if the youngest subaltern of a battalion cannot do equally well for colonel, major and captain, the chances are that—well, I would be sorry to answer for the consequences. And now, gentlemen, we will consider how a ballot for soldiering can be established without seriously affecting the cherished rights of the civilian. ”

“ In so many guises do we encounter him—now as tourist, again as playgoer, as huntsman, as artist, as bohemian, and equally as stay-at-home philistine, on the bench and on the golf-links, ashore and afloat, where not and how not?—that we need be in no wise surprised to find him on the warpath. ”

“ Colonel. "I've never met with a smarter drill than yourself, sergeant, or one more thoroughly up to all his duties; but you've one most objectionable habit, and that is your constant use of bad language, and swearing at the men."
Sergeant. "Sir, perhaps I am a little sarcashtic!" ”

“ The Surgeon-General has decided that "one tooth, false, with gold attachment," cannot be considered a medical comfort.
The Officer (taking a précis from the top of the papers) . I suppose we must go into the matter again. It began with the letter from the Colonel to the General?
The Clerk. Yes, sir, here it is. The O. C. the Rutland Regiment has the honour to report that the first cornet player in the band has lost a [Pg 182] tooth, and as the band has become inefficient in the playing of marching music in consequence, he requests that a false tooth may be supplied at Government expense. ”

“ What a lovely costume one could compose out of the uniform. I've often tried Jack's tunic on.
Mrs. B. (severely) . The mere brutal work of fighting, the butchery of the trade, would still have to be left to the men; but such matters as require higher intelligence, keener wit, tact, perseverance, should be, and some day shall be, in our hands.
Mrs. Karmadine. And the beauty and grace of life, Mrs. Bulkwise. Surely we women, if allowed, could in peace bring culture to the barrack-room, and garland the sword with bay wreaths?
Mrs. B. Take the War Office. ”

“ Few things would be more striking than to see a general, probably wearing his war medals, sweeping the front door-step, whilst through the kitchen window a glimpse was caught of a brother officer, in full tog, larding a pheasant. ”

“ Sergeant. "This time it's drunkenness, sir. But this man is the most troublesome fellow in the regiment, sir. He goes out when he likes, and comes in when he likes, and gets drunk when he likes—in fact, he might be a horficer!!" ”

“ You'll find adjutant's parade in the early morning, the very early morning, such a beastly bore, and so bad for the liver that it is far wiser to stay in the "palliasse"— (besides, hasn't your doctor often told you that it is madness to suppose you can play such tricks at your time of life?) ”

“ No, I'm not trying to break the table, Mary ... drastic changes are absolutely necessary.
First of all, there must be a clean sweep at the War Office. Men of brains and common-sense are wanted there. Then we must organise a great army, to guard the coast all round England. The man who will not serve his time as a militiaman or volunteer is not worthy of the name of English-man, and the fruit.... ”

“ Always attack an enemy in front. It is unsportsmanlike and unprofessional to attack the flanks.
6. When retiring before an attack maintain as close a formation as the ground will admit of, and retire directly upon the main infantry support. You will thus expose yourselves to the fire of both your own friends and the enemy, and as blank cartridge hurts nobody it will add to the excitement of the operation. ”

“ La Poule.—Heave ahead and pass your adversary yard-arm to yard-arm—regain your berth on the other tack in the same order—take your station in a line with your partner—back and [Pg 190] fill—fall on your heel and bring up with your partner—she then manœuvres ahead and heaves all aback, fills and shoots ahead again and pays off alongside—you then make sail in company, till nearly stem on with the other line—make a stern board and cast her off to shift for herself—regain your berth in the best means possible, and let go your anchor. ”

“ When being charged by the enemy, go fours about and gallop for all you are worth; it is just as agreeable to be prodded in the back as in the chest, and gives the enemy more satisfaction. To extend, or work to the flanks, might deprive your enemy of useful experience. ”

“ General. "Well, do you know any kind of pack animal?"
Recruit (inspired by recollection of many days' pack-drill.) "Yes, sorr. A defaulter, sorr!"
[Pg 58]
Colonel (who is taking a turn round to see how his subs are getting along with their road sketching) . "You know, this won't do. You should be able to ride about the country, and make sketches as you go."
Jones (not getting along at all nicely, thank you) . "Well, sir, if I could do that, sir, I should chuck up the army, and join a circus!" ”

“ When some one comes a bloomer, and the paipers all rise 'ell, the civilian toff, 'oos a sort of a commander-in-chief in a Sunday coat and a chimney-pot 'at, 'e says, "It ain't me. Arsk the real commander-in-chief," and the feeld-marshal 'e says, "Arsk the hadjutant-general," and the hadjutant-general, 'e says, "Arsk the hordnance bloke." Now in the compiny there ain't none of that. If the colonel goin' round at kit inspection finds the beds badly made up, or jags and sight-protectors deficient, or 'oles in the men's socks, 'e goes fierce for the captin' and threatens to stop 'is leave ”

“ Incompetent profligates, that's what the officers are. What sort of life do they lead? Getting up late, playing polo and hunting, eating luxurious dinners, bullying respectable young men and ducking them in horse-ponds—there's a life for you.... ”

“ The Director-General replies, sir, that in the early days of the British Army, when the Army Clothing Department's sole issue was a supply of woad, a tooth, or indeed a nail, might have reasonably been indented for as a weapon, but that, owing to the introduction and perfection of fire-arms, such weapons are now obsolete and cannot be issued. ”

“ Advanced guards should walk quietly and without ostentation into the enemy's main body, and be careful never to look behind bushes, trees, or buildings for an unobtrusive cyclist patrol. To do so might cause the enemy annoyance. ”

“ And not a few of our heroes have been arrested by the native police on the charge of furious driving, with the result that they now languish in dungeons, awaiting bail. But what are these [Pg 70] trifles, compared with the glory that will soon be ours? The enemy are now within thirty miles of us—a distance which, with a little extra pressure, we can cover in an hour. So, forward! Mount motor-cars! Tie down the safety-valves! Seize starting levers! Now, when I give the word! Are you read——"
At this moment a grey-haired officer interrupted him.
"Alas, sir!" he cried, "we cannot advance! ”

“ Don't do any menial or degrading work, such as cleaning cooking utensils or greasing your own boots. The Government ought to know that gentlemen can't be expected to do that kind of work, and should provide an efficient staff of servants. ”

“ The Black Watch can be warranted for any period.
Historian of the War (to Private of the Dublin Fusiliers) . Now tell me, my man, what struck you most at the battle of Colenso?
P. of D. F. Begorra, sorr, fwhat shtruck me mosht was the shower of bullets that missed me.
A Mystery from Shoebury.—When does the cannon ball? When the Vickers-Maxim.
"Yes, my dear Lavinia," says Mrs. Ramsbotham, rather annoyed with her niece, "I do know perfectly well what a soldier's 'have-a-snack' is. It is so-called because he carries his lunch in it. No, my dear, I am not so ignorant as you may think." ”

“ Britannia should really rule the waves.
Brown. Yes, yes. Of course; but after all, that is not the important matter. What we want is a hundred millions available to be spent on anything and everything. ”

“ La Finale.—Wear round to starboard, passing under your partner's bows—sight the catheads of craft on your starboard bow—then make sail into your own berth—your partner passing athwart your bows—now proceed according to the second order of sailing—to complete the evolutions shoot ahead and back astern twice, in company with the whole squadron, in the circular order of sailing. ”

“ Another Method.—Take your recruit, and place him at headquarters. Let him mix freely with all the bad characters that have been carefully kept in the regiment, until his nature has become assimilated to theirs. For three years pay him rather less than a ploughboy's wages, and make [Pg 78] him work harder than a costermonger's donkey. Your soldier having now reached perfection, you will turn him out of the service with economical dressing. ”

“ The Officer (patting the smaller pile on the table) . These can go on, Smithers. That question of sardine-openers must go back to the commissariat, and the General commanding the Central District must be authorised to deal on his own responsibility with the matter of the fierce bull in the [Pg 180] field where the recruits bathe. What have you got there?
The Clerk. It is the correspondence, sir, relative to that false tooth requisitioned for by the officer commanding the Rutlandshire Regiment for the first cornet of the band. ”

“ War News.—"Reports of Conflicts," i.e., "Conflicting Reports."
"AN ARMED NATION"
["The War Office has decided to grant one rifle to every ten men joining the new rifle clubs, throughout the country."—Daily Press.]
EXTRACT FROM THE NEW RULES
1. In face of the enemy the rifle must be fired as quickly as possible, and then passed on to the next man.
2. No squabbling in the ranks, as to whose turn [Pg 30] it is to shoot, shall be allowed by the commanding officer, and his decision shall be final. ”

“ Letter from a Private in the British Army to a Private in the German Army.
Dere Ole Sauerkraut,—Ow' 're yer going along? Jest a line from the Eastern Distric' to tell yer that we've all got the fair 'ump. An' I'm blest if our colonel ain't an' been pitchin' on our 'air. When we 'is in the fightin' line they yells, "Keep your 'air on, boys!" but when we gets 'ome, sweet 'ome, they says take it orf. There's 'air! ”

“ This plan would leave only seven men out of ten unemployed.
5. The above-named seven would be at liberty to throw things at the enemy whilst awaiting their turn for the rifle.
6. In actual warfare, the commanding officer may request the enemy to wait a reasonable time whilst the solitary rifle is handed round, after being fired off.
7. Whilst an attack is going on, the unemployed men of a company shall not be allowed to leave the ranks to play, but should be encouraged to take an intelligent interest in the shooting prowess of their solitary comrade.
[Pg 29]
North Cork Militia Man. ”

“ Colonel. "I saw you sneaking up the High Street yesterday, looking like a Methodist parson in reduced circumstances!—Hold up your head, sir! Buy a stick, sir! Slap your leg, sir! And stare at the girls at the windows!"
[Pg 169]
"The 'orrid mess master made my kitching in, and hisself too, a-cleaning that there dratted rifle, after he'd been a booviackin' in the park!"
[Pg 170]
A Dilemma.
Auxiliary Recruit (to himself) . "Murder! Murder! What'll I do now? 'Drill-sarjint tould me always to salute me officer with the far-off hand, and here's two iv 'em! ”

“ Yes, sir!
(Curtain.)
The War Office is taking steps to turn its surplus cavalrymen into foot soldiers. We see nothing ridiculous in the idea—as some persons profess to. We already have Mounted Infantry. Now we are to have Dismounted Cavalry.
An Impossible Manœuvre in Autumn.—To be in the March past.
The Best Military Drawing.—Drawing your pay.
[Pg 21]
The Handy Man.
What he will have to become, if recruiting for the navy continues to fall off, and many more new battleships are constructed. ”