Peter B. Kyne

“ The Lundyites, two hundred strong, followed the body into Aurora, thus promoting the largest funeral ever held in that country. In addition the occasion furnished Colonel Townsend with a splendid opportunity for a humorous story, and by a subtle play of words he gave the world to understand that had Trova Tom been alive he would never have consented to burial in Aurora; that no “dead” men were tolerated in Lundy Diggings, however far Aurora might have degenerated in that respect. ”

“ With success came the necessity for celebration, and the municipal spree was the popular and natural outlet, and within a few months Lundy Diggings became known not only as a “tough” camp, but a “lively” camp and the thirstiest on earth. Mark Twain came over from Aurora at least once a week, bringing all the latest gossip and in this way aiding and abetting Colonel Jim Townsend in his public welfare work. The issues of the Mining Index that summer were purest gems of freak humor and priceless lies, and the consumption of squirrel whisky doubled. ”

“ You have all observed that marvelous body of water ten miles to the south of Lundy Diggings and Lundy lake. Scientists—the few who have visited it—declare Mono lake to be the Dead Sea of the West. It is a beautiful body of water fifteen to eighteen miles wide and nearly thirty miles long, lying in the very center of Mono basin, which is supposed to be an old crater. The country for miles in every direction is sheer desert, and such are the peculiar properties of the waters of Mono lake that nothing can live therein. ”

“ Mark Twain got no further. A perfect howl of approval greeted his suggestion, and Truthful James, with tears in his eyes, embraced the future king of American humorists.
“My boy!” he cried, with tears in his honest eyes. “My boy! How can I thank you for that suggestion?”
The tumult and the shouting having died, Mark Twain resumed his discourse.
“Escape from Po-ah-ho island without a boat is absolutely impossible, for the champion long-distance swimmer of the world could not last a mile in the waters of Mono lake. ”

“ It will be useless to seek either Mark Twain or myself, with a view to lynching us. We will have left the country and we will not return. You will pardon a somewhat human disposition to gloat over your predicament, when I venture the hope that hereafter you will attend to your knitting and refrain from publishing any further scurrilous attacks on the camp of Aurora, and the editor of the Aurora Turkey-Buzzard. ”

“ A little German moved in and erected a small brewery down on the edge of Lundy lake, and joy reigned supreme. There was a killing often enough to make life interesting, and, on the whole, existence in Lundy Diggings was ideal until a preacher came over from Bodie and declared war on the Demon Rum. ”

“ To a man, the Lundyites flopped to their knees and prayed for deliverance from the wrath which seemed about to overtake them. Then the parson “exhorted” them. How well he “exhorted” is now a matter of history, for by two o’clock in the morning the eruption from the ancient volcano had ceased and Cecil Greenwater, D.D., LL.D., A.B., had the signature of every man in Lundy Diggings signed to a pledge to abstain from drink for a period of one year. ”

“ Live and learn, Creaky. In the meantime, Pete, hop aboard, and we'll get back to Lundy Diggings.”
At a quarter of twelve that night every man in Lundy Diggings was gathered in the street in front of the Lundy House, gazing southward for a glimpse of the miracle promised them by the Rev. Cecil Greenwater. The reverend gentleman himself walked among the Lundyites, watch in hand. From time to time he replied to the coarse ribaldry of the crowd with some scriptural quotation, which seemed always to have the peculiar virtue of bringing down coals of fire on the heads of the crowd, so to speak. ”

“ THUS began that decline in public morals which must ever follow in the footsteps of popularity due to the unique and successful press-agenting of a mining-camp, and which ambition, under the able tutelage of Truthful James, quickly infected every able-bodied man in Lundy Diggings. ”

“ Ye seek in your poor, weak, human way to thwart the will of One greater than all the world. It is not enough that I have proved to you without a boat, or in fact a piece of floating timber of any kind, without swimming and without flying or walking on water, I have been able to leave that accursed island. ”

“ I'll take my Ballard rifle with me, and if any skunk in this camp or any other camp comes pesterin round he'll hear from Indian Pete.
“Pete” cried the Colonel heartily, “you’ve got a head. That’s the ticket. Watch the villain and in a day or two he’ll give up and tackle the beer. It’s against human nature to die of thirst, Pete.
In pursuance of this program, the reception committee once more rounded up the Rev. Greenwater—an easy matter and attended without risk. The parson showed not the slightest inclination to resist and permitted himself to be taken back to Po-ah-ho island. ”

“ Every few minutes minor explosions rent the air and blazing rock could be seen hurtling skyward, bursting and falling in myriads of yellow sparks. The top of the crater, like a great pimple, loomed angrily through the night, and simultaneously Lundy Diggings concluded that it had run its race and that the end of the world was nigh. From somewhere in the crowd came the sound of a man sobbing. It was Aaron Rubenstein, but the effect was just the same as if it had been Colonel Jim Townsend, and the Rev. ”

“ Colonel Townsend stated, with that dignity which always clothed him round sixth-drink time, that with a parson safely installed in Lundy Diggings men might presume to go forth into the outer world, marry and return to Lundy Diggings to propagate their species, proud in the knowledge that their offspring would grow up in the fear of the Lord, etc. ”

“ I dislike a bigot and a bigoted prohibitionist I despise in particular. We accepted this preacher person in a spirit of brotherly love, and the ingrate has declared war. We aimed to help him to a better living than any preacher in California, and I’ve heard some talk about building him a church. What does he go and do? Starts hammering our local industries first pop, and telling us we're headed straight for the eternal flames. ”

“ I’ve seen this miracle, and hereafter I aint takin’ no chances. A nod’s as good as a wink to a blind man, and from now on I quit hectorin’ this preacher. We oughta quit drinkin’ and cussin’ and shootin’ each other, and get religion. Creaky, you want to rustle a job in a sody fountain, and Colonel—you oughta let up on stretchin’ the truth. I tell you, boys, it’s just as the parson says. There’s a day of reckonin’ comin’. I been bummin’ all week, on this parson business, and if a man’s to be rendered accordin’ to his work, like he says, I aint figgerin’ none on gettin’ the nub end of the deal. ”

“ He was escorted to the pulpit by no less a person than Mark Twain who, in a few happy, humorous but sincere remarks, introduced to Lundy Diggings Reverend Cecil Greenwater, D.D., LL.D., A.B. A man on a rear bench inquired of his neighbor, in accents freighted with awe, if LL.D. stood “Lake Lundy Diggings. A dozen other men turned and strained their ears and craned their necks for the answer, and Colonel Townsend was forced to growl “Gentle-men!” ”

“ Moreover, in that nest of lawlessness and sin, a congregation had been formed, and every man, with the exception of Pat Brady and Dry Wash McFadden, had signed the roll of membership in the First Christian Church of Lundy Diggings. As a guarantee of good faith, the parson suggested that all old topers put up a cash bond of twenty dollars each, to be forfeited to the building fund in case they slid from grace. The suggestion was unanimously adopted, and when finally the volcanic eruption died away and the chastened populace of the Diggings had retired to virtuous couches, Rev. ”

“ Regarding the three thousand odd dollars which the scheme netted, please be advised that the sum will be donated to the building fund of the new Miner’s Free Hospital, to be erected at Aurora. The money will be turned over to the committee today with the compliments of Lundy Diggings. The lame, the sick and the halt will be grateful to all you boys, and you will be repaid a thousandfold. ”

“ It is a dangerous journey, but with care in the selection of your pumice stone boulder and the navigation thereof, aided by a total absence of wind on the lake, the trip can be made in comfort, as I have clearly demonstrated on three different occasions. ”

“ It’s advertising. I get paid for it. Can I run a newspaper and keep this camp on the map, unless I accept advertising and get paid for it?”
“Go!” thundered the Rev. Cecil Greenwater.
Colonel Townsend went; and the entire congregation, faithful to their disgraced leader, followed him, leaving the preacher to gesticulate to several rows of empty benches. ”