Pish

“ We were walking down the Corn one Monday morning when a poster in front of the Hyde, depicting a lady whose skin was black, whose hair was red, and whose clothing consisted of a string of beads, attracted our attention. The legend above, ‘The Cannibal Girl, Grand Theatre, To-night,’ and the words below in large letters, ‘Queenie Hareham,’ appeared to move Freddy to tender memories. He gazed at the amazing specimen of modern art for fully three minutes, sighed heavily, and then went straight off to take tickets for Monday and Saturday. ”

“ Eights and Maisie fell to me, while Freddy sacrificed himself to the extent of taking Lady Blitherington and Ophelia out in a large and equably-balanced punt. Squiff disappeared with Muriel in another canoe; while Blitherington, to whom the sight of Ophelia is as a red rag to a bull, persuaded Reggie to take him out in a punt alone. ”

“ The most amusing thing about Accrington is the changefulness of his affections; he has, as Reggie remarked not long ago, the most expansive and expensive heart in Oxford. Only a week ago two of his ‘best girls’ arrived together quite unexpectedly and held prolonged and wordy warfare in his rooms until they caught sight of some photos of a third ‘best girl,’ when they buried the hatchet and tore up the other girl’s photos together. ”

“ I found a resting place on the wreckage of some stalls beside de Beresford and Evelyn, with Reggie just in front of us, and we sat thus until the familiar face of the most genial of the Proctors, followed by a singularly funereal bull-dog, appeared in the doorway. At this juncture Freddy, Accrington and Stanhope, together [113] with about a couple of score more ’Varsity men, whose faces we knew by sight but not to speak to, departed comfortably and without any undue haste by the extra exit. ”

“ It had long been daylight when I regained our digs and crept quietly into my room without awaking the Pilot or Reggie, not that either of them deserved any consideration, for the Pilot who sleeps next to me snores like a foghorn, while Reggie very frequently returns from town by the Dons’ lubricator about two a.m. and makes enough noise to stampede a herd of wild bulls. ”

“ Cochrane has been very kind and attentive to me.’
‘Oh! I’m sure of it,’ chuckled Blitherington, for it was he and Reggie in another punt, though neither of them seemed to be punting, and their boat was drifting broadside on down stream. ‘All the world,’ he continued, solemnly, ‘is attentive to its friends’ sisters and cousins.’
‘If we want to see the Eights we must move on,’ I interrupted hastily, as I saw Reggie beginning to give utterance to some home-truth, and Reggie’s home-truths are the most unpleasant that I know. ”

“ After supper I had a peaceful waltz with Miss Accrington; and subsequently conducted Miss MacNeill to a dark staircase in the second Quad.
‘It seems to me,’ she remarked after we had mounted a flight and settled ourselves in someone’s rooms, ‘It seems to me that the world is about equally divided between the loved and the unloved, and the great thing is to avoid being in the second class.’
‘Well, of course we know which lot you’re in,’ I replied quickly. ”

“ As soon as we had performed our own particular share of this little formality, Reggie and I with de Beresford left the house in search of our first liquid refreshment, picking up on our way Stanhope and Freddy who had been carefully concealed in the pit. We reached that admirable institution, the Cowley Bowling Club, of which most of us are members, and were enjoying a little well-earned refreshment, when to our amazement the ubiquitous Proctor with the iniquitous bull-dogs appeared in the entrance. ”

“ In order to avoid a meeting with the Bugg, of whom I foresaw we should see a great deal, I motored over to Banbury for lunch with de Beresford. Thus it befell that I missed the most exciting scene of the day when Jacob fell into the river and was rescued by a Humane Society’s man, while the Bugg who had fainted on the Barabbas’ barge was revived by a drop of the bargeman’s private store of brandy. ”

“ At this juncture Freddy did a cake-walk into the room waving the dispensation, and we toasted the McGinnis in sherry and bitters. Freddy says that no one Roman Catholic priest stays in Oxford for long, the confessions are too much for them. While we were still honouring the Reverend Father a large crowd in the street below attracted our attention, and out of it there emerged Accrington, Reggie and the Pilot, carrying between them Farmborough’s bull-pup, the infamous Totters, who had apparently had a slight difference of opinion with a tram-conductor. ”

“ At this remark I heard a suppressed gurgle beside me and turned in time to see Freddy hide his face in a napkin, while a soup spoon waved feebly in his nerveless fingers.
Squiff, however, who has marvellous self-control, relieved the situation by complimenting Lady Blitherington on the possession of Jacob.
‘The smartest little King Charles I have ever seen,’ he said with apparent sincerity.
‘Ah! Mr. O’Rossa, Ophelia will be pleased to hear you say that,’ said the old lady, ‘she has tended that dog like a baby for the last ten years.’
‘Do you care for dogs, Mr. O’Rossa?’ queried the Bugg. ”

“ When the air had cleared we discovered that the Chauffeur was again seeking the seclusion of his beloved petrol tank, but reappeared with astonishing rapidity just in time to avoid a shower of greasy black liquid which spread itself about the pavement.
Freddy shrieked ‘jump,’ and we jumped. ”

“ It was on a Wednesday morning that I repaired to the Maison Squiff and found Freddy in a well-worn blazer perusing a coroneted letter signed ‘Paunbrough,’ which he silently handed me to read. I discovered that it was a communication from the noble owner of Coffington Castle, County Down, enclosing Butler’s bill with a dirty card attached. The latter enquired in terms more direct than polite why the hot place Freddy had been distributing his father’s cards about Oxford, and stated that he, the noble Earl, was condemned if he would pay thirty shillings for a bouquet to a low ballet girl. ”

“ Owing to the awful scenes on the last night of the ‘Cannibal Girl,’ musical comedies had become exceedingly unpopular with the authorities, and so we had to rely upon the Suburban for what Squiff calls ‘an occasional divarsion.’
It all began with the Fresher’s lunch in Wykeham’s. The Fresher is exceedingly fresh for, well, for a fresher, and his lunch, like the Miller’s daughter, ‘was fresher still.’ The party was a genial one, though, with the exception of Reggie and Accrington, most of the sportsmen present were recruited from circles outside that of the Elect. ”

“ When we reached the coffee stage our little party increased very rapidly. Many of the gentlemen assembled appeared to find coffee insipid, and it was at this juncture that I discovered a bottle of Chartreuse in the cellarette, which I seized with the intention of serving [108] out a few liqueurs, but there was no need for thimble glasses, as Stanhope and Freddy took their allowance in coffee, Squiff mixed his with champagne in equal proportions, while Elgar, who couldn’t find anything smaller, lapped up a half tumbler of the fire-water with much pomp. ”

“ Finding that the bottle was quite empty I went to the window to see if any more visitors were in sight, and beheld for the first time an enormous array of cabs stretching for quite a healthy distance up and down the High. As the liquid refreshment was completely exhausted and it was growing late, I suggested an adjournment to the Suburban, and we left for that festive old barn in a body, three men in each hansom. On our arrival we soon skipped out and arranged to owe our cab fares, but taking tickets was a slower affair. ”

“ At this point a bulky and uniformed official intervened and von Graussman’s companion, a spectacled scholar of Cecil’s, was hustled out of the theatre without a chance of explanation, just as Sotite came forward to sing his famous song. The chorus of this, beginning:
‘It’s tails I win and heads you lose,’ is peculiarly tricky, and even the energetic sportsman in front was unable to keep the field altogether, for the orchestra finished first by a short bar, followed by Sotite and the Barabbas party, the rest of us being left at the post. ”

“ There was no great excitement that night, and as Muriel complained of being tired, the ladies retired early, while Blitherington kindly organized a poker party in my rooms after the Union debate, and carried off thirty shillings from our united funds. With the exception of one and twopence this had all disappeared by the following morning, for while I was in Freddy’s digs at about sherry-and-bitter time, Blitherington came in to ask if he might put half-a-dozen collars and a silk handkerchief down to his account at Sampson’s. ”

“ This noise aroused von Graussman, who moved into a commanding position opposite the door, unavoidably taking the coal-scuttle with him. The next thing was the voice of the Dean demanding entrance, which caused the warlike spirit of [22] the company to evaporate instantaneously. Accrington, with the skill born of long practice, concealed himself beneath the sofa, Reggie and I shared his bed, the Pilot, who had taken but a small part in the proceedings, sought the seclusion of the coal-bunker, while Freddy and Cobson stowed themselves behind the piano. ”

“ Five ‘Blues’ altogether have been amassed among the gentlemen who move about and have their being herein; while the Pilot upset the odds of 33 to 1 freely laid against him, scraped through on the rails with a rush at the finish, and secured a creditable ‘First.’ When he is Archbishop of Canterbury, Freddy hopes to be in the Cabinet, and, it appears already during the short year that has elapsed since we all ‘went down,’ that Squiff is well on his way to ruling a Province in India. ”

“ Freddy, being a Roman Catholic, fasts—on lobster mayonnaise—every Friday, so he journeyed to the extreme end of the Banbury Road to get a dispensation from Father McGinnis, his spiritual adviser. On my arrival at 11.15 with Reggie, an agonized voice from Squiff’s room besought me to hurry round to the Purewell Press and demand the menus, which were Freddy’s choice, and calculated to make any one sit up. ”

“ The races were most exciting to all but Cecil’s, who rowed over hopelessly, being behind the bump of James’ and Llewellyn’s. It was decided not to watch the first division, as Blithers had arranged to drive a large party out in a coach to sup at Woodstock and return by moonlight.
The supper in The Lion was an enormous success, and it is not wonderful that on the return journey there was a great scramble for the inside of the coach, the four places being eventually secured by Freddy, Muriel, Reggie, and Sybil Accrington. ”

“ As to what occurred I am unable to make any definite statement, though Reggie insists that Freddy kissed him by mistake in the dark, and this Freddy denies, like Peter, [142] ‘with an oath’; however from the silence inside I gathered that they were all enjoying themselves. Outside Maisie and I, Blithers, Farmborough, the Pilot, Miss MacNeill and de Beresford sang comic songs with ever-increasing vigour, while the Bugg, who had come as general chaperon, rhapsodised into the unheeding ears of the Pilot, who had, as he afterwards admitted, fallen asleep through weariness. ”

“ He advances to Downey, but instead of requesting him to leave off his peculiar amusement, snatches wildly at the programme itself, and in his anger falls over the men in front of him; then finding his own efforts unavailing, he summons the staff of porters who wear the livery of the establishment, and directs them to eject the self-appointed conductor. ”

“ The Corker was hastily summoned to give professional assistance, after which we sat down to lunch, a party of twelve.
The late Mr. Corker’s half-brother, a military gentleman [38] of funereal aspect, by the name of Blubb, had kindly consented, for a small gratuity, to assist on this occasion; ‘it being,’ as he explained to Squiff, ‘not my hordinary vacation, but honly to oblige.’
‘I’m so sorry about that wretched dog,’ said Freddy, as he settled himself beside Tiny, ‘but he was always of an enquiring nature.’
‘Oh! he’s not so bad as Jellipore,’ replied Tiny, ‘he sticks like a burr. ”

“ He has explained his need for twenty pounds; the only remaining formality is the pledging of his word. When he has done that I will hand over the cheque.’ Squiff, who had been speaking to von Graussman, hurriedly pledged his word and left to catch the 12.10 to town, while von Graussman proceeded to pour into Fatty’s ears a long and disconnected tale in which the words, ‘Boliceman,’ ‘damnable,’ ‘fraulein,’ and ‘gompensations,’ appeared frequently, so Fatty gathered that it had some reference to an escapade in town during the week before term. ”

“ Accrington called it coffee, but Reggie stipulated for a bottle of brandy to be kept in the cupboard. As Freddy and I climbed the staircase in the corner of the Quad we heard the strident tones of our host proclaiming that he was ‘looking for a needle in a haystack.’ This, however, did not in any way justify Freddy’s throwing an empty tobacco tin at him immediately on entering the room, and it seemed only just that the others should show their disapproval of this action by throwing their cushions at Freddy. ”