Various

“ I am well able to protect the Government's secrets, and my movements could be of little interest even to you, but I do not think the society of your maids desirable for a young man like George. I strongly suspect that they are having a bad influence over him. He is becoming careless in his work.
I accidentally overheard him say, in conversation with the grocer's man, that he was—to use his own expression—walking out with a Miss Parsons. Is this either your parlour-maid or housemaid? or is it some third person? ”

“ Unfortunately to make the alteration you suggest would throw the whole of our domestic staff out. I know the maid to whom you refer; she is our parlour-maid, and you are right in describing her as "this particular maid." She is most particular. It is true that men are hard to obtain for domestic employment, even ineligibles (and I am sure yours is that) , but maids are, if anything, more difficult to find. My wife had no end of trouble in procuring this parlour-maid, and she is a treasure whom we do not wish to lose. ”

“ For (thought I) here is quite a capable kind of fellow, of mature age, making a perfect guy of himself under the profound conviction that he is doing just the reverse and that that pimple of a hat suits him. No doubt, judging by the cut of his clothes and his general soigné appearance, he stands before his glass every morning until he is satisfied. ”

“ For I'm tired of Spanish ladies and of tropic afterglows,
Heart-sick for an English Spring-time, all afire for an English ring-time,
In love with an English rose.
Rolling home!
MISGIVINGS.
Walking recently by Hyde Park Corner I met a man in a comic hat. He was an elderly man, very well set up, marching along like an old officer—quite an impressive figure with his grey moustache and grey hair, had not this ridiculous affair surmounted him. It was not exactly a hat, and not exactly a cap, but something between the two, and it was so minute as to be almost invisible and wholly absurd. ”

“ We know of no finer example of the humility of true greatness than the KAISER'S decision to allow the War to continue.
A Berlin newspaper says that after the coronation of the EMPEROR KARL at Budapest one of the jewels was missed from the Crown. Fortunately for the relations between the two Empires, the German CROWN PRINCE is in a position to prove an alibi.
To facilitate the delivery of milk, a certain Dairymen's Association has suggested to the Food Controller that they should have recourse to a pool. In most districts, however, recourse will be had as usual to the pump. ”

“ My first letter detailed my qualifications, which were very exceptional; explained that my intelligence and industry were far above the average; that I was morbidly conscientious, and willing to sacrifice all my own interests for the needs of the firm; that the reason for leaving my last position was solely a matter of circumstances over which I had no control, and that at an interview, which I craved, I would explain everything to everybody's satisfaction and prove my perfect eligibility for the post. ”

“ The stars represent something quite simple this time—my brain at work.
"Celia," I said, "I will write. And this time the miniature shall be criticised properly. To say, as you no doubt said, 'This is not like me,' I mean not like my husband—well, you know what I mean—just to condemn it is not enough. I shall do it differently. I shall take each feature separately and dwell upon it. But to do this modestly I must have a locus—I am sorry to have to borrow from our Italian allies again—a locus standi apart from that of owner of face. I must also be donor of miniature. ”

“ Maid. "OH, NO, MA'AM, I'VE LEFT OFF WORRYING NOW. HE CAN'T WALK OUT WITH ANYONE ELSE WHILE HE'S THERE."
OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. (By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.)
The idea of publishing Frederick the Great: The Memoirs of his Reader, Henri de Catt (1758-1760) (CONSTABLE) was that we are all so passionate against Prussianism that we want to plank down our money for two volumesful of observations at first hand about the man who was the source and origin of that dark and swollen stream. ”

“ SIR,—I find that George, the young man I employ as house-boy, has become friendly with one of your maids, and I shall he glad if you will co-operate with me so far as is possible in trying to prevent their meeting, as I do not think it desirable that there should be further communication between our households than is, unfortunately, necessary. ”

“ Throughout the story abounds in character-study of a kind that, while building up the figure with a thousand details, will add suddenly some vivid touch that brings the whole wonderfully and unforgettably to life. ”

“ Some years ago I knew a fat man with a big head—a journalist of great ability—who made himself undignified by perching upon the top of that great and capable head a little bowler. Its inadequacy had always annoyed me, but never more so than when, on my arriving at our place of servitude one morning (we were on the same paper) in a new and perfectly becoming hat, he said to me, "That hat's all wrong. You should never choose a hat for yourself. I never do. I get my wife to choose mine for me." Remembering this I am even more unsettled than before. I see no hope.
[pg 47]
Mistress. ”

“ DEAR FREDDY,—Let us mingle our tears. The worst is about to happen If you were as good a churchgoer as one could wish, you would have been in your pew yesterday morning, when the banns were read out (for the first time of asking) "between George Goodman, bachelor, and Emily Parsons, spinster, both of this parish," though this would not have conveyed to you the appalling fact that your man is marrying my entire staff all at once. I doubt, however, if you will be able to find cause or just impediment, etc.
Yours,
H.
The Temperance Movement in India. ”

“ It is not a pleasure to write to you, and it is positively distasteful to have to read your absurd letters in reply. I passed George in the village this evening with his arm round your parlour-maid's waist. I was absolutely disgusted, and must emphatically protest against such familiarity even among the minor members of our households. ”

“ Another little game of the gunners is called "Artillery Duels."
In the good old days, when a man wanted a scrap with his neighbour, he put a double charge of powder into his blunderbuss, crammed in on top of it two horse-shoes, his latch-key, an old watch-chain, and a magnet, and then started on the trail. It was very effective, but of course some busy-body "improved" on it. Nowadays our gunners ring up the enemy's artillery. ”

“ The admission of a Stuttgart professor that trousers are a German invention has given the liveliest satisfaction to our Highland regiments, who have long had an intuitive feeling that the Hun was guilty of even blacker crimes than those of which we had been officially informed.
A "Longer Course for Cadets" is announced by a morning paper. The Food Controller is to be asked to make public his reasons for this obviously unfair discrimination between soldiers.
Men's wear, it is reported, will be twenty-five per cent. ”

“ The substitution of a top-hat for trousers would add a piquancy of its own to the situation.
[pg 34]
FAITH AND DOUBT IN THE FATHERLAND.
News of triumph, very cheering,
Fills our marrows full of sap,
News of FALKENHAYN careering
Right across Roumania's map,
Tales of corn to swell our tummies, tales of golden oil to tap.
Everywhere we go victorious
Over earth and on the blue;
More and more superbly glorious
Ring the deeds we dare and do,
Till they sound almost too splendid to be absolutely true. ”

“ As regards the jam question, Jerry, the fault of the jam is that it is never jam, but always marmalade. I feel too sore on the question to write much, but I may just hint that we have heard that Brother Bulgar sometimes gets real strawberry. It is just possible, therefore, that you may hear of a raid soon.
Yours ever,
PETER.
THE CONVERT.
["One striking result of the War has been its humanising effect on woman."—Daily Paper.]
The barbed shaft of Love hath pierced thy heart,
Fair Annabelle; distracting is thy lot ”

“ When you respond to an advertisement offering a booklet or a sample free, you are pestered by the proprietor of the commodity advertised with numerous communications importuning your custom, until in sheer self-defence you make a purchase. Now I had occasion to answer an announcement advertising for the services of a person with attainments approximating to my own, decided that, in the event of my application attracting no response, I would adopt the methods indicated above. ”

“ Throughout also there are pen-pictures of Russian scenery, full of vivid colour; while the story itself, though inevitably in a somewhat minor key, is never sordid or pessimistic. Emphatically therefore a book for everyone to read who cares to know the best in the literature of our great Ally. ”

“ Attention has been called to the waste of time and money involved in the calling of grand juries where there are only one or two trifling cases to be tried, and it is suggested that they might be able to combine their juridical functions with some useful employment. A correspondent who signs himself "Lifer" points out to us that the grand jurymen he has met are just the men the nation needs for the Tribunals if the combing-out process is to be effectual. ”

“ All no! Thine happiness I will not vex,
For thou art Woman once again I find;
And Woman, though she cannot change her sex,
Has always had the right to change her mind.
The Primrose Path for Flappers.
"WANTED, Two experi. MAKERS-UP (Females) ; also a few Girls to learn; good wages paid."—Evening Paper.
Another Impending Apology.
From an obituary notice:—
"In civil life he was employed as an attendant on those inflicted with weak minds. ”

“ A man who was to have appeared before the Law Society Tribunal excused himself on the ground that he was suffering from melancholia, and regret was expressed by the military representative that he should have been misinformed as to the nature of the entertainment. ”

“ It is still in the air, as one might say, that you are engaged in experimental chemical work for the Government, and I should have thought, and hoped, that this would occupy your mind to the exclusion of such trivial affairs as servants' love-making. ”

“ Lord RHONNDA'S appeal to the public to keep tame rabbits has been enthusiastically taken up by all the smart people, and enterprising maisons are already offering driving coats, sleeping baskets and silk pyjamas for the little pets at prices ranging from two guineas upwards. ”

“ At the end of that period the salary demanded would be increased by ten pounds (£10) over and above that asked in my first application. Thus, by accepting the existing offer of twenty pounds (£20) reduction, they would really be securing me at thirty pounds (£30) less than my market price.
I waited patiently for a further fourteen days, and then sent Follow-up Letter No. 5.
This letter was quite brief. It made no attempt to disguise the fact that I was hurt at the firm's silence, and it hinted at enquiries from other employers of labour whose needs would have to be considered. ”

“ MR. BLAIR, the L.C.C. Education Officer, is dissatisfied, according to The Daily Chronicle, with the questions put at school examinations, on the ground that they do not test the thoughtfulness and ingenuity of the pupil. The "Why" as well as the "What" should be developed, and to illustrate the value of the method proposed Mr. BLAIR suggests various sample questions, e.g.:—
"How do you account for the density of the population in Staffordshire? ”

“ Freddy offers cigarettes to the curate, which is apparently a much greater crime over there than here. Freddy finally, carried along by the rising tide, asks the man she loves to marry her, mistaking his friendship for something stronger, and learns that, as the old-fashioned people like her mother realise, men are essentially hunters and "won't bag the game if it perches on their fists." I wonder! But Freddy got a better man—the diffident elderly man who was waiting round the corner. In fact, Freddy is rather a sport, and if Mrs. ”