Walter Ellis

“ TULLY (waving his handkerchief) . Catch! Catch!
JOHN. How can I catch from here?
(TULLY runs across with handkerchief—his pyjama trousers round his ankles—gives handkerchief to JOHN—then sits chair C.)
You’ll split those pyjamas!
TULLY (removing pyjamas) . This is the most awful afternoon I’ve ever had in my life. I shall never be the same man again.
JOHN (ties up tube with handkerchief) . There, that’ll hold, I think. Now, I’ll go and cover your retreat. (Crosses to R.)
TULLY (picking up telegram from table L.C.) . Oh! Here’s a telegram! Telegrams always make me feel so nervous! ”

“ MAMIE (loudly) . Right-o! (Sits in arm-chair down R.C. and commences to powder her face.) I say, Jack! Do you know that you didn’t give me back the necklace last night!
(JOHN enters and creeps off again.)
(A little louder.) I say, Jacko! do—you—know—you didn’t give—me—back that necklace—last night? (The words slightly smothered by using powder puff on mouth.)
(Enter JOHN in dressing-gown.)
JOHN. I say, Mamie, that hat does suit you! You look awfully sweet!
MAMIE. You go on, Jack. You’re the champion long-distance kidder in the universe. ”

“ PAMELA. It’s our only chance. (Crosses to arm-chair, kneels on front of it, looking up at TULLY, who is behind it, and pleading.) He may be back here at any moment. You’ll have to do this for me really, Mr. Tully.
TULLY. I’ll never do it unless you use force—and a woman can’t force a man to get into pyjamas. It isn’t legal! (Dashes up to window R. PAMELA follows him.) If you come any nearer I’ll shriek from the window!
(Bell heard off L.)
PAMELA (up to window L. quickly—looks out—then back again) . There is the doctor! I knew it! Now what on earth are we going to do
TULLY. The doctor?? ”

“ But what about the ’Bus Company?
JOHN. Oh yes. I’ll get you to go back and say I withdraw my claim.
TULLY. Yes. I’d love to do that. (Picking up letter from table L.C.)
JOHN. I’ll buy Mamie a new necklace, and tell Pam the whole truth—that Mamie is not your wife, but your little bit of fluff named Agnes.
TULLY. No, I draw the line there, Mamie’s your fluff. You must shoulder that responsibility.
JOHN. But you’re a single man. It doesn’t matter about you. ”

“ TULLY (off, window R.C.) . Everything’s going splendidly! Everything’s going splendidly!
(TULLY enters windows R.C., comes right down C. and faces audience. He is dressed in woman’s clothes which are much too big for him and is padded out with the cushions.)
JOHN (looks up—sees TULLY) . Take it away! Take it away! You’re too late!
TULLY. Don’t I look all right?
JOHN. All right? You look more like a goat than a woman!
TULLY. I thought I looked like a little bit of fluff. What’s happened? (Turns to JOHN.)
JOHN. Do you realize that the stout—lady—in the ’bus accident was—your—aunt!!! ”

“ JOHN. Oh, Tully, Tully, she’s given the Rajah my address!
MAMIE (bursting into tears) . What else could I do? Boo—boo—— It’s not my fault, and why should I be blamed for it. Boo, boo, boo! (Sitting in arm-chair R.)
JOHN (down to MAMIE) . There, don’t cry, don’t cry.
(TULLY bursts into tears.)
What’s the matter with you?
TULLY. I can’t bear to see a woman cry.
(MAMIE shrieks and yells and kicks up her feet.)
JOHN. Hold her feet down! (Sits on MAMIE’S feet.) (To TULLY.) Don’t leave that door!
(TULLY peeps out of door L. and crosses to JOHN.)
TULLY. John! The doctor’s arrived! ”

“ JOHN (over to AUNT HANNAH) . Hark, that may be our man. Pull yourself together.
AUNT HANNAH. Don’t you touch me!
JOHN. Stop it, you idiot. Don’t forget if that’s the doctor, you’re here to discuss the ’bus accident with me. Now, go into that bedroom, and don’t come out till I call you! ”

“ If Trippett calls he’ll demand to see me; if the doctor comes he’ll expect to see Tully—and if they both come together—Heaven help us!
PAMELA. Hush—Sh! (Hurries up to window L.)
(JOHN and TULLY start back in fear.)
JOHN. What is it? What is it?
PAMELA (coming down) . Ah! It’s nothing!
JOHN. Well, don’t do it, Pam. It unnerves me.
TULLY (coming down R.) . I’d give anything to be out of this.
JOHN. Of course you would. Always thinking of yourself.
(TULLY stoops and pulls down leg of pyjamas.)
And don’t stretch those pyjamas!
TULLY. I don’t enjoy the best of health. ”

“ MAMIE. Do you know that Mrs. Ayers still thinks I am your wife.
TULLY (wriggles and nods) . Yes, I’m so sorry.
MAMIE. What?
TULLY. I mean—delighted. (Wriggles again.)
MAMIE. Oh, don’t wriggle! Things are far too serious for wriggling. You heard about the necklace that was lent to me by my friend the Rajah?
[Pg 84]
TULLY. Yes, I have heard about it.
MAMIE. Then I want you, as my husband, to take the matter into your hands and tell Mrs. Ayers that unless the necklace is returned to me at once, you will take proceedings. ”

“ DOCTOR. You are Mr. Tully.
JOHN. Tully is my name.
DOCTOR. Hadn’t I the pleasure of meeting you a short while ago next door?
JOHN. No, that was my brother.
DOCTOR. Your brother? Good heavens! What a likeness!
JOHN. Yes, we’re often mistaken for each other. If the true facts of the case were known I believe we were very nearly twins.
DOCTOR. Remarkable! I apologize.
JOHN. Not at all. But didn’t my brother tell you it was my brother? I mean, didn’t he tell you it was me?
DOCTOR. He said it was his brother who was in the motor ’bus accident. ”

“ Do you know when anyone calls me Bertram, I feel I could do any mortal thing in the world for them!
JOHN. Well, you get me out of this hole and I’ll call you Bertram till I bust. (Sits down L.)
TULLY. Will you? I think I know where you could get the money. (Comes down to JOHN.)
JOHN (rising suddenly) . Where? Where?
TULLY. Sit down! (JOHN sits.) Keep calm! Dick Turner thinks the world of you. . . .
JOHN. Yes, I know, but he hasn’t much money.
TULLY. I know, I know. But he was in a ’bus accident last Friday and he’s claiming £500 compensation from the Motor ’Bus company. ”

“ TULLY (in arm-chair and drawing blanket round him) . You’re not going to leave me in this awful predicament?
JOHN. I shall be back immediately. I have a brilliant idea, that will clear up everything. Now, don’t forget you are John Ayers.
TULLY. I’m John Ayers??
JOHN (over to door L.) . You can come in. (Back to TULLY.) Moan a little, and for heaven’s sake try and look intelligent.
(JOHN goes off through windows left. TULLY makes faces, as if intelligent. PAMELA enters L., followed by DOCTOR.)
PAMELA (crossing to TULLY) . Ah, here he is, doctor.
DOCTOR (putting hat and bag on table L.C.) . ”

“ Mrs. John Ayers speaking! (Adopting a feminine voice.) Mrs. John Ayers. . . . Yes . . . my husband was in that terrible ’bus accident you had last Friday coming from Kew. Yes . . . my husband! And he’s very ill indeed. Yes . . . eh? (Dropping into his own voice.) Oh! speak up! I can’t hear a damned word you’re saying. (Hand over ’phone for a second—then resuming in feminine voice.) Oh! He didn’t notice it at the time. He has witnesses to prove everything. Eh? I can’t hear. . . . Oh, you’ll send your inspector round to look into it . . . eh? You’ll send your inspector round to look into it. ”

“ Well, now I’ll tell you the truth—the jeweller sent the necklace back yesterday, and I’ve given it to my wife to take care of.
MAMIE (joyfully) . Then you’ve got it! You’ve got it!
TULLY (runs towards JOHN) . You’ve got it? You never told me!
JOHN (to TULLY, sharply) . Watch that door!
(TULLY resumes singing “The Rosary.”)
(To MAMIE.) Yes, Mrs. Ayers is wearing it.
MAMIE. Oh, I am pleased. But why didn’t she give it to Mr. Tully, if she thinks I’m his wife?
JOHN. Ah, that’s the point—that’s the trouble. (Nodding his head towards TULLY.) There are some people in this world you can’t trust. ”

“ Tully. I don’t expect men to be angels. But there’s a limit to everything.
TULLY (crossing to PAMELA) . I quite agree with you in that, Mrs. Ayers, but as a broad-minded woman you must see that a man like John wants a little relaxation, and there’s really no harm if he does go out to dinner occasionally with—what was it he called them?—little pieces—no, little bits of fluff.
PAMELA (madly) . What? What??? (TULLY recoils—PAMELA follows him up to C.) . You expect me to sit at home while my husband goes out with little—bits—of—fluff!!!
TULLY (pulls out handkerchief with pieces of paper) . ”

“ PAMELA (up to window L., looks off) . It’s Mr. Trippett!
DOCTOR. Mr. Trippett, good! He’s just in time!
JOHN (to TULLY) . Good! He’s just in time. That is lucky. I am glad!
DOCTOR. He promised to meet me here. (Takes out watch.)
JOHN (crosses to DOCTOR) . Isn’t it Motor ’Bus etiquette for you to discuss the case with Mr. Trippett in private?
DOCTOR. No, I don’t think that’s at all necessary.
(Goes up to table L.C., puts stethoscope in bag.)
JOHN. I’m sure both Mr. and Mrs. Ayers would like you to consult before anything is said or done in the matter. The dining-room is at your service. ”

“ But I promised faithfully to return it to the Rajah to-day.
JOHN. Can’t you make some excuse?
MAMIE. How can I? Have you been to the Club?
JOHN. No, I can’t possibly go down there for a day or two—for a particular reason.
MAMIE. Oh, I do hope it isn’t lost. Can’t you ’phone?
JOHN. Oh, yes. I did ’phone, but the club ’phone seems to be out of order.
MAMIE. That’s torn it! What will the Rajah think of me!
JOHN. Now don’t worry. If you’ll only wait everything will be all right. In any case if it is lost, I’ll buy you another exactly like it. I can’t say more, can I? ”

“ TULLY. I’ve never met a fluff.
JOHN. You do get hold of the most extraordinary expressions. (Calling to MAMIE.) Mamie! Let me introduce you to a very old chum of mine. Mr. Bertram Tully—Miss Mamie Scott.
(JOHN crosses to door R. MAMIE crosses over to TULLY.)
MAMIE (taking TULLY’S hand) . Oh, what a beautiful boy! (Pulls a long face.)
JOHN. Talk to him, Mamie. He has a wonderful flow of conversation. I shan’t be long.
(Exit JOHN door R.)
(MAMIE beckons TULLY with head and eyes—and edges down to arm-chair R. Sits. TULLY, very nervous, edges down to chair L. Sits.) ”

“ TULLY. That’s the doctor from the ’Bus Company.
JOHN. And those are my new pyjamas. (Throwing coat and scarf on to settee at back.)
TULLY. I know—I know—er——
(Enter PAMELA.)
PAMELA. Oh, there you are, John!
JOHN (angrily) . Who, who is responsible for this absurd jumble? (Pointing to TULLY.) And who does the doctor think that is?
PAMELA. Why you! You, of course. There was no one else here when the doctor came, and some one had to be ill in bed.
JOHN. But not in a—chair! I know this game backwards. If you can get five hundred in bed, you can’t get fifty in a chair. ”

“ TULLY. “John stayed here, Kew.” (Reading.) “John stayed here, Bloomsbury.” “John stayed, Barnes.” Kensington—Bloomsbury to Kew—Kew to Kensington—Kensington to Barnes. It couldn’t be done in the time! Oh, I can quite understand this. It’s all John’s friends—all anxious to shield him from the fury of his wife.
PAMELA (angrily) . I beg your pardon!
(Snatches telegrams from TULLY.)
[Pg 19]
TULLY. I mean all anxious to shield him from your displeasure. John has such a host of good friends. There isn’t one who wouldn’t lay down his life for him. Why, John’s one of the best in the world. ”

“ The doctor! The doctor! (The blanket is left in arm-chair.)
TULLY. It isn’t—it isn’t the doctor. It’s the postman. It’s the postman. I know his knock.
(JOHN goes out of door L., returns with a letter and reads it C.)
JOHN (speaking off) . Yes! You’re right. There’s a letter in the box. (Enters.)
TULLY. I told you it was only the postman. Do come and play this nap out. I’ve got such beautiful cards!
JOHN. Hang your nap—this is serious. It’s from little Mamie Scott.
TULLY. Mamie Scott? Who’s she? ”

“ We don’t want you to remain an invalid all your life, although I dare say a little compensation will act as a wonderful restorative.
(PAMELA enters holding door open.)
JOHN (peeping round door) . Say it’s Mr. Tully. (JOHN is wearing a moustache.)
PAMELA (announcing) . Er—Mr. Tully.
TULLY (rising) . Yes!
PAMELA. It’s Mr. Tully.
(JOHN enters.)
(DOCTOR turns and looks at JOHN. TULLY walks on knees round arm-chair and then sits covering himself with blanket.)
JOHN (posing as TULLY) . May I come in? How d’ye do, Mrs. Ayers? So pleased to see you. And how is the patient to-day? ”

“ Where’s the necklace?
JOHN (rises and crosses to MAMIE) . It’s all right, only wait.
MAMIE. My darling, what have you been doing?
JOHN. What?
MAMIE. That dreadful moustache.
JOHN. Oh, they’ve been putting me under glass. (Pushes MAMIE off down R.)
(TULLY groans.)
Don’t you groan. I’m the patient now!
(Sits in arm-chair again. PAMELA rushes in to C. TULLY peeps round from screen.)
PAMELA. John, the doctor says he must examine you before discussing the case with Mr. Trippett.
JOHN (rising) . Good heavens! Can’t they make up their minds? They must be a couple of weathercocks. ”

“ JOHN (rises and crosses slowly R.) . Yes, of course, especially after you’ve seen your solicitor.
TULLY. Er—I——
JOHN. Don’t talk to me—my brain’s working.
TULLY. You know, John, in all cases of ’bus accidents the ’Bus Companies have to pay out according to what the doctors think.
JOHN. The question is to make the doctors think. Why should Dick Turner get five hundred, and I get nothing?
TULLY. I suppose he was really injured.
JOHN. Don’t talk, don’t talk! I’ve got the most wonderful brain. (Hand to forehead.) ”

“ Trippett.
PAMELA. This way, doctor.
DOCTOR. I thank you, madam, I thank you.
(DOCTOR exits, followed by PAMELA. JOHN places chair L.C. under table. TULLY jumps up.)
TULLY. I’ve had enough of this! I’m going mad!
JOHN. Bertram! Bertram!
TULLY. Bertram be damned! (Holds his mouth instantly.)
JOHN (crosses to TULLY) . I think you’re very ungrateful. Just as everything’s going so splendidly.
[Pg 71]
TULLY. Splendidly! Is it? Do you think Mr. Trippett and the doctor are going to swallow this tale. I’ve lost my reputation and I’ve lost my moustache! ”