Richmal Crompton

“ William put his stag beetle back into its box and gave his whole attention to the Vicar’s exhortation....
“What is it that poisons our whole social life?” said the Vicar earnestly. “What is it that spoils even the holy season that lies before us? It is deceit. [Pg 158] It is untruthfulness. Let each one of us decide here and now for this season of Christmas at least, to cast aside all deceit and hypocrisy and speak the truth one with another.... It will be the first step to a holier life. It will make this Christmas the happiest of our lives....” ”

“ William, pirate and Red Indian and desperado, William, woman-hater and girl-despiser, looked round wildly for escape and found none.
Violet Elizabeth’s eyes filled with tears again.
“You do like all little girlth, don’t you?” she persisted with quavering lip. “You do, don’t you?”
It was a nightmare to William. They were standing in full view of the drawing-room window. At any moment a grown up might appear. He would be accused of brutality, of making little Violet Elizabeth cry. ”

“ Downstairs William’s family circle consumed a meal consisting of sardines and stewed pears. They consumed it in gloomy silence, broken only by Mr. Brown’s dry, “I suppose there must be quite a heavy vein of insanity somewhere in the family for it to come out so strong in William.” And by Ethel’s indignant, “And epilepsy! Why on earth did he fix on epilepsy?” And by Robert’s gloomy, “Engaged to be married to her ... twenty-four ... chained to her for life.” ”

“ The last was a sound expressive of rage and threatening.
“Keepers!” said William. “Run for your lives, braves. Come on, Jumble.”
They fled through the thicket.
“Pleath,” gasped Violet Elizabeth in the rear, “I can’t run as fatht ath that.”
It was Ginger and Douglas who came back to hold her hands. For all that they ran fleetly, dashing through the undergrowth where the keepers found it difficult to follow, and dodging round trees. At last, breathlessly, they reached a clearing and in the middle of it a cottage as small and attractive as a fairy tale cottage. The door was open. ”

“ The Outlaws had decided to hold the exhibition in Farmer Jenks’ field behind the barn. Farmer Jenks was the Outlaws’ most implacable foe. He frequently chased the Outlaws from his fields with shouts and imprecations and stones and dogs. He had once uttered the intriguing threat to William that he would “cut his liver out.” This had deeply impressed the Outlaws and William had felt proud of the fame it won him. He could not resist haunting Farmer Jenks’ lands because the chase that always ensued was so much more exciting than an ordinary chase. ”

“ Joan and Violet Elizabeth were busying themselves in transforming the interior of the barn into two semi-detached villas with great exercise of handkerchief-dusters and imagination.
“Douglas,” whispered William confidentially, “’s found out a secret about this field. He got it off a witch.” Hubert was so surprised that his spectacles fell off. He replaced them and listened open-mouthed. “There’s a grass in this field that if you tread on it makes you invisible. ”

“ William, who was harassed by his argument with the repentant purchaser of native ware, turned on her severely.
“You oughter pay a penny comin’ into this show,” he said.
“I came in a different hole, a hole of my own so I’m not going to,” said Violet Elizabeth, “an’ I wanter be a native like Ginger an’ Henry an’ Douglas—all lovely an’ black.”
“Well, you can’t be,” said William firmly.
Tears filled her eyes and she lifted up her voice.
“Wanterbean-a-a-tive,” she screamed.
“All right,” said William desperately. “Be a native. I don’t care. Be a native. Get the blacking from Ginger. I don’t care. ”

“ Evelyn Courtnay glared still more ferociously at William and muttered threateningly.
“A little child rushing in where grown men fear to tread,” misquoted Miss Felicia sententiously, still beaming fondly at William. “He must certainly stay to dinner after that.”
Mr. Evelyn Courtnay, to his fury, had to provide William with a large meal to which William did full justice, munching in silence except when Miss Felicia’s remarks demanded an answer. Miss Felicia ignored her nephew and talked with fond and grateful affection to William only. ”

“ William as a Page, Ginger as Ace of Clubs, Douglas as a Goat Herd, Henry as a Gondolier, stood in a sheepish group and were gazed at proudly by their fond mothers. They looked far from happy, but the thought of the Brigands’ clothes concealed in the summer house comforted them. Robert as Henry V was having a good deal of trouble with his costume. He had closed the vizor of his helmet and it refused to open. ”

“ CHAPTER XIV WILLIAM AND SAINT VALENTINE
William was, as not infrequently, under a cloud. His mother had gone to put some socks into one of his bedroom drawers and had found that most of the drawer space was occupied by insects of various kinds, including a large stag beetle, and that along the side of the drawer was their larder, consisting of crumby bits of bread and a little pool of marmalade.
“But it eats marmalade,” pleaded William. “The stag beetle does. I know it does. The marmalade gets a little less every day.” ”

“ It was dressed in stays and small frilled knickers. Hair, face, arms and legs were covered with blacking (William had “borrowed” a good supply from the store cupboard. He was never a boy for half measures) .
“I’m a Nindian,” squeaked Violet Elizabeth, leaping up and down joyfully in her scanty attire. “I’m a native Indian in a native-Indian coschume an’ I’m goin’ to do a native-Indian dance. I’m a Nindian. I’m a Nindian!”
With a scream that rent the very heavens Mrs. Bott made a grab at her erring child. ”

“ They had reached Robert’s house and were standing just beneath William’s window.
“I know heaps of poisons,” said Robert with dignity. “I’m not going to tell you what I’m going to take. I’m going to——”
At that moment William, who had been (not very successfully) fixing his snapshots and was beginning to “clear up,” threw the contents of his fixing bath out of the window with a careless flourish. They fell upon Robert and Marion. For a minute they were both speechless with surprise and solution of sodium hyposulphate. Then Marion said furiously:
“You brute! I hate you!” ”

“ Robert was to go as Henry V and Ethel as Night.
William to his delight found that all the members of his immediate circle of friends (known to themselves as the Outlaws) had been invited to the fancy dress dance. All had wished to go as animals or brigands or pirates, but family opposition and the offer of the loan of costumes from other branches of their families had been too strong in every case. Ginger was to be an Ace of Clubs, Henry a Gondolier (“dunno what it is,” remarked Henry despondently, “but you bet it’s nothing exciting or they wouldn’t have let me be it”) . ”

“ He was going to give the life of virtue, of self-denial and service a fair day’s trial, but there was just the possibility that from William’s point of view it might not be a success. It would be as well to leave the door to the old life open. ”

“ Then the Toreadors arrived, torn and battered and cobwebby and grimy. “Where are they?” they panted as they ran. “We’ve been insulted. We’ve been outraged. We’ve been shamefully treated. We demand those boys. We—ah!”
They caught sight of four Brigands cowering behind the bushes, and sprang at them.
The Brigands fled from them towards the lake. Henry V and Spring blocked William’s way. ”

“ At least you look’s if you might be anything now.”
“All right,” said William in his far-away muffled voice. “Pretend I’m an old man. Wheel me back now ... slowly, mind! ’cause I’m an old man.”
They began the return journey. Ginger walked very slowly, chiefly because it was uphill and he was still out of breath. William leant back feebly in his chair enjoying the rôle of aged invalid, his horn-rimmed spectacles peering out with an air of deep wisdom from a waste of woollen muffler. ”

“ The confinement under the sacking had been an austere one and the day was hot and streams of perspiration mingling with the blacking gave Ginger’s countenance a mottled look. Before him were wooden objects roughly cut into shapes that might have represented almost anything. As examples of art they belonged decidedly to the primitive School.
“Go on, Ging—Native, I mean. Talk Australian,” commanded William. ”

“ A new day for a new life. It was no use beginning to be self-denying and self-sacrificing in the middle of a day that had started quite differently. If you were going to have a beautiful character and a grateful family circle you might as well start the day fresh with it, not drag it over from the day before. It would be jolly nice to have a happy, grateful and admiring family circle, and William only hoped that if he took the trouble to be self-denying and self-sacrificing his family circle would take the trouble to be happy and grateful and admiring. ”

“ William sat down on a chair and waited. Time passed, William became bored. Suddenly a fresh aspect of his Christmas resolution occurred to him. If you were speaking the truth one with another yourself, surely you might take everything that other people said for truth.... ”

“ When William woke up the next morning his determination to marry Miss Dobson was unchanged. He had previously agreed quite informally to marry Joan Crewe, his friend and playmate and adorer, but Joan was small and dark-haired and rather silent. She was not gloriously grown-up and tall and fair and vivacious. William was aware that marriage must be preceded by courtship, and that courtship was an arduous business. ”

“ As he munched the apples and cheesecakes and chocolate cream and pickled onions and currants provided for the feast he was in imagination developing and fixing his snapshots. He’d never done it before. He thought he’d enjoy it. It would be so jolly and messy—watery stuff to slosh about in little basins and that kind of thing.
Suddenly, as they munched and lazily discussed the rival merits of catapults and bows and arrows (Ginger had just swopped his bow and arrows for a catapult) , there came through the silent empty house the sound of the opening of the front door. ”

“ Mr. Fairly showed him into the studio with a low bow. Mr. Fairly was clothed in correct artistic style ... baggy trousers, velvet coat and a flowing tie. He had a pointed beard and a theatrical manner. He had obviously lunched well—as far as liquid refreshment was concerned at any rate. He was moved to tears by the calendar.
“How kind! How very kind.... My dear young friend, forgive this emotion. The world is hard. I am not used to kindness. It unmans me....”
He wiped away his tears with a large mauve and yellow handkerchief. William gazed at it fascinated. ”

“ I can’t know everyone’s name what’s dead, can I? I bet there’s lots of dead folks’ names what you don’ know!”
“Oh, do you?” said Ginger. “Well, I bet I know more dead folks’ names than you do!”
“He said that anyway,” interposed Joan hastily and pacifically. “He said that if you keep on making up nice things and saying that the other said it about [Pg 148] them they fall in love and marry. It must be true because it’s in a book.”
There was a look of set purpose in William’s eyes. ”

“ Bott tried to look dignified in spite of the chattering of his teeth and the water that poured from his hair down his face.
“I have my reasons, child,” he said, “of which you know nothing. Will you kindly give me back my coat? I’m afraid you are a very naughty, ill-behaved little boy to do a thing like this and if you aren’t careful I’ll tell the police about it.”
“I’ll give you your coat if you’ll promise not to send Bob away,” said William again sternly.
“I shall most certainly speak to your father and the police,” said Mr. Bott. “You’re a very impudent little boy! Give me my coat at once.” ”

“ They had each other and a dog. Boyhood could not wish for more. The whole world lay before them.
“Let’s go trespassin’,” said William the lawless.
“Where?” enquired Douglas.
“Hall woods—and take Jumble.”
“That ole keeper said he’d tell our fathers if he caught us in again,” said Ginger.
“Lettim!” said William, with a dare-devil air, slashing at the hedge with a stick. He was gradually recovering his self-respect. The nightmare memories of yesterday were growing faint. He flung a stone for the eager Jumble and uttered his shrill unharmonious war whoop. They entered the woods, William leading. ”

“ Brown, “if there’s been any mistake I’m sure that all you have to do is go to Miss Dexter and explain.”
“Explain!” said Robert wildly. “How can I explain. She’s accepted me ... how can any man of chivalry refuse to marry a woman who.... Oh, it’s too much.” He sat down on the sofa and held his head in his hands. “It’s the ruin of all my hopes ... he’s simply spoilt my life ... he’s always spoiling my life ... I shall have to marry her now ... and she’s an old woman ... she was twenty-four last birthday, I know.”
“Well, I was trying to help,” said William. ”