Ring Lardner

“ Mother received a letter yesterday from Congressman Shultz saying that I was to come to Washington at once, as he thought he could arrange for me to get a commission. He did not say what brand of the service it was in, but he did say I would be located in Washington and not sent to France, so I suppose it has something to do with the secret service or something.
Mother is almost heartbroken over the thought of losing me, but I tell her everybody must be brave in times like this and smile, no matter what happens. ”

“ Congressman Shultz made good his promise, and early this week got me placed in the Sleuth Department with the title of captain. It's a pretty ticklish assignment, for I have to do all sorts of detective work, such as shadowing, eavesdropping, etc., and report to headquarters anything I learn which might lead to the apprehension of German propagandists and spies. But the more danger there is, why, the more excitement, and the better I will like it. ”

“ So I returned to the hotel and called up Tracy, who said he must have had the wrong address, but anyway he was sure the tip was good and if he were I, he would look around town a little and try to find the shine-stand that was not conducted by negroes. But I had an engagement in the afternoon, and of course it was folly to try to do anything about it last night, and there was a dance to which I had accepted an invitation. So I merely wrote down the data I had and gave it to one of the men at the Department this morning. ”

“ Well, Grandfather, I thought I was going to turn up something big yesterday, but it was a false scent; at least, so I was told this morning at the Department. However, I am grateful to Tracy, my newspaper acquaintance, for giving me the tip, and it's a good thing to stand well with a man like him because he gets around and sees everybody and everything and may some day give me a clue that will amount to something. ”

“ The one we want is the one we can't get. Was it that way with you, or wasn't it? Most of my acquaintances, of course, are fellow-officers of my own age or a few years older, the majority of them captains in various departments, but I guess there aren't many I would trade with, for it's the constant excitement of my job that I like. Anyway, we have gay old times together in the hotel and at parties outside, and if it weren't the military discipline, reporting every morning at ten o'clock, etc., I wouldn't ever want to return to civil life. ”

“ Washington, D. C., June 1
DEAR Grandfather:
Mother came yesterday, and after we had spent nearly an hour looking for a house or an apartment that was fit to live in, we gave it up and decided to stop at the Shoreham indefinitely. I think it is much better so, for here we are right in the midst of things. All the best of the young officers are here or come here, and that means it's the social center of the town. ”

“ But Mother and I both think things will improve fast as soon as Gen. Pershing gets enough men so that he can begin to really do something. How splendidly the French and British have been fighting, and how glad they will be when we come to their rescue! ”

“ Tracy went on. “He is a major in the Cushion Corps. His job was to go out to the ball-park every afternoon and keep track of the number of balls lost or injured. Of course it would have been a cinch if the home team here had been the only team playing, because they could use one ball a whole season and then sell it for new. But some of the visiting teams sometimes fouled balls off into the stand or over it, or roughened them up with their bats ”

“ He didn't seem to mind at all and told me his name was Tracy and that he was a newspaper correspondent from Cincinnati, and he said he would like to call and see me after I had got my commission and have an interview with me for his paper. Well, I told him he might, for I suppose a man in the service must receive reporters and all kinds of people. ”

“ Besides that, he's got his own Rolls-Royce, and some day it's going to get away from him and bang into the Treasury Building, and if his head is thrown hard enough against the side of the building, he'll be laid up a week. So you see you aren't the only man in the army who is taking chances. ”