S. J. Adair Fitz-Gerald

“ The Zankiwank looked on as wise as an owl, but said nothing.
"Dear me, how you are wasting your time sitting there doing nothing!" said Mr Swinglebinks distractedly. "Time is money—Time is money. Give me some of the Time you are losing."
"Let us go, Willie," said Maude. "Do not waste any more Time. We have no Time to lose, let alone time to spare! Shall we kill Time?" ”

“ The Zankiwank had left them again, to send another telegram, perhaps, and Maude and Willie went rambling through the meadow and down by the brook, where they gathered nuts and berries and sat them down to enjoy a rural feast.
Tiny elves and fairies were constantly coming and going, some driving in wee chariots with ants for horses and oak leaves for carriages. And while all the other flowers seemed quite gay and merry in the sunshine, the Poppies were nodding their scarlet heads and gently dozing, what time some wild Holly Hocks beat to and fro murmuring—
Sleep! ”

“ To attempt to argue with the Zankiwank Maude knew was futile, so she merely enquired how the Jackarandajam felt after his attack of Inspiration, and what he took for it.
"Nothing," was the simple rejoinder. "It comes and it goes, and there you are—at least most of the time."
"What is Inspiration?" said Willie.
The Zankiwank and the Jackarandajam both shook their heads in a solemn manner, and looked as wise as the Sphinx. Then the former answered slowly and deliberately—
"Inspiration is the sort of thing that comes when you do not fish for it." ”

“ Only twenty-six letters," repeated the Zankiwank in wonderment, "only twenty-six letters." Then he cried suddenly, "How convenient it would be if everybody was his own Dictionary!"
"That is impossible. One cannot be a book."
"Oh yes, nothing simpler. Let everybody choose his own words and give his own meaning to them!"
"What use would that be?" asked Willie.
"None whatever, because if you always had your own meaning you would not want anybody else to be meaning anything! What a lot of trouble that would save! I'll ask the Jackarandajam to make one for me—why, here he is!" ”

“ I have got five minutes to spare and I'll devote them to you if you like, but I can't give them to you as though they were a piece of toffee," answered Maude with much perplexity, while Willie stood awe-struck, not comprehending Mr Swinglebinks in the least.
"Time is a tough customer, you know. He is here, he is there, he is gone! He is, he was, he will be. Yet you cannot trap Time, for he is like a sunbeam," muttered the Zankiwank as though he never was short of Time. ”

“ Willie was silent too, like his sister, and seeing them deep in thought, King Æsop waved a little wand he had in his hand, and all the Birds and Beasts and Fishes joined hands and paws, and fins and wings, and danced in a circle singing to the music of a quantity of piping birds in the trees:—
If you want to be merry and wise,
You must all be as bright as you can,
You never must quarrel,
Or spoil a right moral,
But live on a regular plan. ”

“ Maude and Willie vowed they would not cross him for anything, let alone nothing, and so the Zankiwank was appeased and offered to give them the correct answer to his own unanswerable conundrum. Do you know what a conundrum is though? I will tell you while the Zankiwank is curling his whiskers:—
A conundrum is an impossible question with an improbable answer. Think it over the next time you read "Robinson Crusoe."
"Nothing is better than a good little girl;
But a jam tart is better than nothing,
Therefore a jam tart is better than the best little girl alive." ”

“ Robin Goodfellow skipped in advance, while Peaseblossom, Cobweb, Moth, and Mustard-seed attended on the lovely Queen.
"Indeed, indeed this must be a Midsummer Night's Dream!"
"Indeed and indeed then it is," mocked the impudent Robin Goodfellow. "The fairies are not dead yet; and they never will die while good little girls and boys, and poets with sweet imaginations, live. But quick, let not the Queen see you! Eat of these Fern Seeds and you will become invisible even to the fairies. They are special seeds of my own growing and warranted to last as long as I choose." ”

“ When the Bletherwitch arrives I will introduce you, and you shall both be bridesmaids!"
"But I can't be a bridesmaid, you know," corrected Willie.
"Oh yes, you can. You can be anything here you like. You only have to eat some Fern seeds and you become invisible, and nobody would know you. It is so simple, and saves a lot of argument. And you should never argue about anything unless you know nothing about it, then you are sure to win."
"But," interrupted Maude, "how can you know nothing about anything?"
"'Tis the easiest thing out of the world," said the Zankiwank. "What is nothing?" ”

“ And I am a Griffin bold;
In Arabia the blest
We feather our own nest,
To keep us from the cold.
And we're so very fabulous—
Oh, that's the Griffin straight!
We rise up from the flames,
To play old classic games,
Like a Phœnix up-to-date!
Then they spread out their wings and executed the most diverting feather dance ever seen out of a pantomime.
I am a watchful bird, you know,
And I am a Phœnix smart ”

“ The next shop at which they stopped was kept by
Jorumgander the Younger,
Dealer in Magic and Mystery.
"Jorumgander the Younger is not of much use now," said the Zankiwank sorrowfully. "He chiefly aims at making a mystery of everything, but so many people not engaged in trade make a mystery of nothing every day, that he is sadly handicapped. And most sensible people hate a mystery of any kind, unless it belongs to themselves, so that he finds customers very shy. Once upon a time he would get hold of a simple story and turn it into such a gigantic mystery that all the world would be mystified. ”

“ Knowing from past experience that the Zankiwank would have his own way, Maude and Willie, having no one else to think about, thought of Nobody, and to their amazement they heard these words sung as from a long way off, in a very hollow tone of voice:—
Nobody's Nothing to Nobody. ”

“ And all the time, goblins, hob, nob and otherwise, red, blue, and green, kept rushing backwards and forwards, sometimes with a whole school of children following madly in their wake. Such a dashing and a crashing was never seen or heard before, and as each creature carried his shadow with him, you can just imagine what a lot of lights and shades there must have been. Occasionally there would be a slight lull in the excitement, and the racing and the rushing would cease for awhile. ”

“ Mr Swinglebinks was more mystifying than all the other persons they had encountered put together. So they made no reply.
"I am collecting Time. Time, so my copy books told me, was meant for Slaves. I always felt sorry for the Slaves. They have no Time, you know, because it is meant for them. Lots of things are meant for you, only you won't get them. Britons never will be Slaves, so they'll never want for Time. However, as Time was meant for Slaves, I mean to let them have as much as I can. ”

“ Not a bit like happy girls and boys, as they would have been had they possessed their own heads instead of over-grown and over-developed minds and brains. Old heads never do look well on young shoulders, and it is very foolish of people to think they do. It makes them children of a larger growth before their time, and is just as bad as having young heads on old shoulders. The moral of which is, that you should never be older than you are nor younger than you are not.
"But what are they doing with those bellows?" enquired Willie and Maude together. ”

“ You cannot measure time and cut off a bit like that," ventured Willie.
"Oh yes, you can. A client of mine was laid up the other day—in fact he was in bed for a fortnight, so, as he had no use for the time he had on hand before him, he just went to sleep and sent ten days round to me!"
"Oh, Mr Zankiwank, what is this gentleman saying?" said Maude.
"It's all perfectly true," answered the Zankiwank. "You often hear of somebody who has half an hour to spare, don't you?"
"Of course."
"Very good. Sometimes you will hear, too, of somebody who has lost ten minutes." ”

“ Time was meant for Slaves.
There was no opportunity to ascertain what the sign meant, for all at once there darted out of the shop Mr Swinglebinks with whom they had travelled from Charing Cross.
"Don't waste your time like that! Make haste, let me have five minutes. I am in a hurry."
"Have you got five minutes to spare?" asked the Zankiwank of Maude.
"Oh yes," she replied. "Why?"
"Let me have them at once then. A gentleman left twenty-five minutes behind him yesterday and I want to make up half-an-hour for a regular customer!" screamed Mr Swinglebinks to the bewildered children. ”

“ Each time that there was a pause in the seemingly endless races, a quaint round-faced little person, dressed in short petticoats, sky blue stockings and a crimson peaked hat, stepped from Nowhere in particular, and either sang a song herself or introduced a small girl spirit, or boy spirit, who did so for her. ”

“ If you have the ability to write a story you won't want a Magic Pen. These pens are only for every-day use. For example: if you want to write to your charwoman to tell her you have got the toothache, and you haven't got the toothache, the Magic Pen refuses to lend itself to telling a—a——"
"Crammer," suggested Willie.
"Crammer. Thank you. I don't know what it means, but crammer is the correct word. The Magic Pen will simplify the truth whether you wish to tell it or not."
"I do not understand," whispered Maude. ”

“ Why do not they become a Firm and mix the two together?" responded Maude.
"You horrify me! Mix the Good and the Bad together? That would never do. The Best Resolutions in the world would be contaminated if they were all warehoused under one roof. Besides, the Wimble is himself full of Good Resolutions, so that he can mingle with the Bad without suffering any evil, while the Wamble is differently constituted!"
The children did not understand the Zankiwank's argument a bit—it all seemed so ridiculous. A sudden thought occurred to Willie. ”

“ I do not believe you know what you do mean."
"Not often, sometimes, by accident, you know—only do not tell anybody else."
"You are certainly very extraordinary persons—that is all I can say," said Willie. "You do not do anything quite rationally or naturally."
"Naturally. Why should we? We are the great Middle Classes—neither alive nor dead. Betwixt and between. Half and half, you know, for now we are in the Spirit World only known to poets and children. But do come along, or the bicycles will start without us, and we have an appointment to keep." ”

“ Listen to the Flower-Fairies—not the garden flowers, but the wild-flowers; they will sing you a song, while I beat time—not that there is any real need to beat Time, because he is a most respectable person, though he always contrives to beat us. ”

“ Carefully Maudie and Willie followed the Zankiwank, each holding on by the tails of his coat, glad enough to go anywhere out of the Blackness of the Dark.
Soon they found themselves in Window Bay, and climbing up the sides of a mighty ship with five funnels and a red-haired captain.
"Quick," called the Captain, "the Nargalnannacus is on the lee scuppers just off the jibboom brace. Make all sail for the Straights of Ballambangjan, and mind the garden gate." ”

“ They are the best in the market, because there are no others. There is no demand for them, and few folk will have them for a gift. Therefore I can highly recommend them."
"How can you recommend your pens, when you declare that nobody will buy them?" demanded Willie.
"Because they are a novelty. They are Magic Pens, you know, and of course as nobody possesses any, they must be rare. That is logic, I think."
"Buy one," said the Zankiwank, "he has not had any supper yet."
"In what way are they Magic Pens?" enquired Maude. ”

“ Heedless of man's joy or pain;
But beyond the tideless river
Trusting hearts will meet again.
O fountain pure and bright,
Dance in the joyous sun;
And sparkle in your might,
Until all life is done.
The voices faded and died away; the scene changed and a purple curtain descended, hiding everything and everybody except the Winny Weg. An extraordinary commotion outside warned the half-dozing children that a fresh flight of goblins might be expected. And sure enough in stalked an army of giants from one side, who were met by an army of dwarfs from the other, the latter on stilts. ”

“ It does not suit them," said Maude.
"You are mistaken. Good habits become second nature."
"And what do bad habits become?" queried Willie.
"Bad habits," answered the Zankiwank severely, "become no one."
"And these must be bad habits," exclaimed Willie, pointing to the children, "for they do not become them."
"I thought their clothes fitted them very well."
"We don't mean their clothes," cried Maude. "We mean their general appearance."
"Ah! you are referring to the unnatural history aspect of the case. You mean their heads, of course. They do not fit properly. I have noticed it myself. ”

“ And then he naturally departs with many misgivings as to the state of his health. Especially if the cook is taken by surprise. You should never take a cook by surprise. It always spoils her photograph."
"Oh dear! Oh dear!" cried Maude, "why will you say such contradictory things! I don't see the sense of having such a house at all. It would upset things so."
"Besides," chimed in Willie, "you would never have any aspect or prospect."
"Are they both good to eat?" said the Jackarandajam, eagerly. ”

“ But he didn't, so the goblins started off once more on their wild career, this time on horseback, making such a hammering and a clattering as almost to deafen them.
Quickly in the rear of the white horses and the spirits, who all wore little round caps with tassels at the top, came a procession of dolls—wax dolls, wooden dolls, and saw-dust dolls, very finely dressed, with here and there a doll who had lost a leg, or an arm, or a head, while some were quite cripples, and had to be carried by a train of tiny girls in very short frocks and very long sashes. ”

“ Maudie was nine and a half and Willie was eight and a quarter. Very nice ages indeed, unless you happen to be younger or older, and then your own age is nicer still.
"I think," said the Zankiwank, "that we will start without the Bletherwitch. She knows the way and can take a balloon."
"If she takes a balloon she will lose it. You had better let the balloon take her," exclaimed the Jackarandajam severely. ”

“ For instance:—If it takes two people ten minutes to do a prog—you must fill in the rest yourself—prog—of course, as there are so many more to do the same thing, it must take them forty-five minutes."
"What a brain," exclaimed the Jackarandajam, ecstatically; "he ought to have been born a Calculating Machine. He beats Euclid and that fellow named Smith on all points. I never thought of it in the light of multiplying the addition."
"More nonsense," observed Willie to Maude. ”