Seba Smith

“ That has been given up long ago, and now they say they are goin to conquer the Southern States, that is, make a despotism, but the war will turn out jest like the horse-shoe business. Linkin will, after all, neether make a Union, or a despotism, or an Empire by it, but it will end with a great big 'siss.' That's all he will accomplish by it, an a dear 'siss' it will be for many a poor fellow. A dear 'siss' it will be for the fatherless and the widows, and a wonderful dear 'siss' it will be for the people who will have to pay the taxes and foot the bill of war. ”

“ After they all got seated, ses Linkin, ses he, "Gentlemen, there's no use eny longer of doin like the ostrich does—stick our heads in a sandbank an say that we 'don't see it,' for we're whipped an driven back—in a word, we have failed. Now, the rale question is, Why have we failed? What is the cause of it? Jest as soon as we kin find out the reason of our failure, we shall know what to do to remedy it. Now," ses the Kernel, "I want every one of you to give me your frank, blunt opinion as to the reason. First, I will call on Mr. Seward." ”

“ I giv the tabel a rap with my hickory, and the Kernel stratened up jest like openin a jack nife, and ses he, "Was I asleep, Majer?" "Yes, jest as solid as a saw-log. What on arth makes you sleep," ses I, "rite in the middle of the day?" "Wal," ses he, "Majer, the truth is, I was readin the Nashinal Intelligencer!" "Sure enuf," ses I, "that's worse than opium." "But," says he, "what about the finances?" Then I showed him the slate, and how I had figered up the debt, and told him all I sed to Mr. Chase. I never see a man so flustrated as Linkin was. ”

“ I went to give the Kernel good advice, jest as I did Ginneral Jackson; but it warn't no go. Somnure an Greeley, an Wendil Fillips, an sech stay-at-hum fiten ginnerals got the advantage of me, an Linkin does jest wat they want him to. To an old man like me, these are tryin times. I had almost said cryin times; I can't bear to think of 'em. I dream o'nights of my country, wen it was all peace an happiness—wen ther warn't any sojers nor standin army to pay, nor no debt, nor no hospitals full of sick sojers, nor no sorrow or misery in the land ”

“ Now," ses I, "that's wat I call an edicated fool. Jest like the larned pig, he can do wat he larns to do or sees done; but as for real common sense to tell wether a thing is rite or rong, he ain't worth eny more for it than a bull-dog is to catch rats."
Sumnure looked kinder streaked wen I sed this, but I didn't say a word, an jest here the Kernel, who had been down stairs to get his boot-jack, cum in. Ses he, "Good mornin, Mr. Sumnure. I'll bet you one of Chase's greenbacks," ses he, "that you can't tell why this boot-jack is like an offis-seeker." Sumnure sed he couldn't. ”

“ The Kernel, however, don't think any the less of me because I've been plane with him. He thinks my idees of niggers are all rong, and I think his are all rong, and there is jest where we split, for turn this question upside down or inside out, and, after all, the nigger is at the bottom of it. Jest as a man's idees run on niggers, jest about in that style will be his views on the war. Take an out-an-out Abolishinist, who thinks niggers are a little better than white folks, and he is for subjugashin, confiskashin, and exterminashin to the bitter end. ”

“ Ef there's a man on this arth that has a truer love for his country than I have, I would like to see him;" an ses I, "Kernel, I'll tell you why my country seems so dear to me. I'm an old man now, nigh on eighty years old; I recollect when Jefferson beat that old Federal, John Adams, in 1800. I warn't old enough then to vote for him, though I wanted to; but wen he run the second time I voted for him, an done all I could for his election. Wal, I've been a Dimmecrat from that day rite down to the old Ginneral's time, an I'm a Dimmecrat yit; but I love my country above all parties. ”

“ We all got home to the White House safe that nite, an, on the hull, the trip had not only bin pleasant, but profitable, for it will lead to some grate changes in a few days.
Yours, till deth,
Majer Jack Downing.
LETTER XIV.
The President Has an Attack of Fever and Ague‌—‌The Major Prescribes Elder Bark Tea‌—‌A Fearful Mistake‌—‌The Bark Scraped the Wrong Way‌—‌Mr. Lincoln has to be Rolled‌—‌Stanton, Seward and the Major‌—‌A Ludicrous Scene‌—‌The "Kernel" comes to and Begins to Joke‌—‌The Moral of Taking the Wrong Medicine‌—‌"The Irrepressible Conflict." ”

“ But, Major, how shall we go?" "Wal," ses I, "Kernel, do jist as Ginneral Jackson used to; step of kinder unbeknown to eny one, but you kin invite all your a mind to go along." "Wal," ses he, "I guess I'll take Chase and Stantin along. I want Stantin so as to ask questions; an if I leave Chase here, he an Seward will git a quarrelin sure as you live. I never see two men so jealous of each other. They both want to be President so bad, that I expect nothin else but some day they'll steal my old boots." ”

“ Don't all the great men of the world, all the larned men of Europe, and all Christian phylanthropists, don't they all consider it the highest duty to try an elevate the black race?" "Now," ses I, "Kernel, I don't care a blue postage stamp for all the great men in the world. A little plain mother wit I have always found better than a stack of book larnin, an ef any one will jest take up the nigger race an study it out practically, they will see that it has allers been the same uncivilized, heathin people when white folks did not have control of 'em. ”

“ Ses I, "Kernel, there's no peepul in the world so likely to lead you astray as edecated peepul. They are all mad as March hares on this nigger questshin, jest as they were in old Cotton Mather's time on witches. Edecated peepul, Kernel, ain't got any more wit or common sense than other folks, but they try to make you believe they have, an will talk high-falutin words jest to frighten you if they kin. ”

“ Kernel Doolittle: I can't begin to express to you the feelins of my hart. This occashin is techin. Sojers can't make speeches. I've dun my duty. I've seen the cannons roar. I've heard the flash of a thousand rifles all at once. There ain't nothin that can equal it for rite down tall sublimity. But, feller-citizens, we ought to be most rejoiced now because freedom is going it at such big licks. I'me a manifest destiny man. I believe freedom is to extend from the frozen planes of Alabama to the sunny banks of Newfoundland. There ain't nothin kin stop it. ”

“ Then the enemy might fire as hard as they pleased, while our sojers could take their time and not be compelled to run themselves out of breath.
"Wal," ses Linkin, "how would they carry it when marchin?" He thought he had me there, but ses I, "Kernel, my plan involves a hull change in the art of war. Insted of so many baggage waggins and such long trains, I would have a wheelbarrow for every sojer! Don't you see," ses I, "Kernel, how nice that would work? Every man could carry his own vittals, and his ammunition, his shield, &c., &c., jest as complete as could be. ”

“ Trying to make a nigger act like a white man is jest like old Sol Hopkins, one year harnessing his off ox an his hoss together to plow corn. The ox was lazy as he could be, an the hoss was a young, high-strung animil, an such a pullin an haulin team you never did see. ”

“ Ses I, "Kernel, I have had a good deal of doubt about that feller, Stantin, ever sence he tried to get on your trowsers down at Fort Munrow. You see you can't never depend a grate deal on a turn coat. He once perfessed to be a pro-slavery man, but now he goes in for the Abolishinists even stronger than the Simon-pures. I tell you, Kernel, you better look out for him." "Wal," ses Linkin, "we ain't got no time to talk about that. The Secesh are almost on Washington agin, and jest think what France and England will say. ”

“ An one reason why my country is so dear to me is, because I haven't got enything else to love now. Nigh about all my relashins are dead an gone, an there ain't enything on arth left me to love but my country; an wen I see it distracted, divided an bleedin, it makes me cry; an," ses I, "Kernel, I can't help it."
"Wal," ses the Kernel, "Majer, it's oncommon hard for old men like you, I know; but you jest meet with the Cabynet this mornin, an let us see ef some new plan can't be adopted to get out of this scrape." ”

“ He was dredful glad to see me, an shuck my hand as ef he thought there warn't no feelin in it. Ses he, "Majer, it's a long time sence we've met, an I know you are a loyal man, for there ain't no follerer of Ginneral Jackson that could be enything else." Ses I, "Ef there's a loyal man in this country, I'm one. I go for puttin down every feller that's opposed to the Constitushin, I don't keer who he is. I only wish we had an Old Hickery to step in now an jest deal out jestiss all around, without any parshality. I guess there's a good menny fellers that don't expect it, who might get histed." ”

“ Ses I, "What possesses you to act so?" "Wal," ses he, "things can't be no wus. The last pig is ded! anything that happens now must be for the better." And just so it is with the Dimmycratic party. Anything now that happens to it must be for the better. And I must confess that I feel a good deal like 'Kiah. I don't feel a bit like settin down and cryin like a sick baby over spilt milk, because we've been whipt in the late elecshins. That ain't the way the old Ginral Hickory Jackson taught me Dimmocracy.
The other day I got a letter from Linkin, askin me to cum on to Washinton. ”

“ I never see such a change in a place since I was born. It's dirtier, nastier, and meaner lookin than ever. In fact, it is just like the country, all goin to ruin. If the devil is ever happy, I think he would be nigh about tickled to deth now-a-days. I guess everything is goin on to suit him to a fracshin. I kin tell you one thing. There is goin to be a bigger fite between Linkin and Chase for President than most pepil suppose. So look out for the musick ahed. I shall keep a watch on all the doins, and write you when the rumatiz, like the greenback market, aint too stringent. ”

“ The season was late, as the corn was mity slim. Ses the Elder: 'Mr. Hopkins, your corn is not very forrard this year.' 'No, its monstrus poor,' ses Hopkins, 'an I guess I shan't have half a crop.' 'Wal,' ses the Elder, 'Mister Hopkins, you ought to pray to the Lord for good crops; perhaps He will hear you.' 'Wal, perhaps He will, an perhaps He won't;' ses old Sol, 'but I'll be darned ef I don't beleave that this corn needs manure a tarnel sight more than it does prayin for.' Now," ses I, "Linkin, I think this country is somethin like old Hopkinses corn. ”

“ Wen a man begins to humbug me by callin things by their wrong names to try an deceive me, it allus riles me onaccountably. I ain't a very larned man, but I kin generally see through one of these college chaps. Wen he talks Union to me, an all the time means despotism, I allus feel jest like haulin up my old hickory, an givin him a sockdologer. Why," ses I, "Deacon, the feller who wants to turn this government into a despotism, an keeps all the time hollerin 'Union,' while he is doin it, is not only a traitor, but a hypocrite an coward. ”

“ You see, it's clar agin natur to expect to make the nigger enything but a nigger. You can't get a peach out of a crab-apple, nor a pumpkin out of a watermelon, nor eagles out of ducks' eggs. You can't raise chickens from egg-plants, or produce goslins from gooseberries. You see, Kernel, everything in natur must go accordin to natur. If the nigger had been intended to be equil to the white man, hed been made jest like a white man, and the very fact that he ain't made so, is proof positive that he warn't intended to be put in a white man's place. ”

“ Kernel Stebbins got on such high hosses, that he talked about seeing the boomin' of cannon an hearin' the flash of guns, but the truth was, he didn't know exactly what he said an the people were so carried away with havin' a live Kernel among them, that they didn't notice it. There ain't been nothin' talked of in Downingville sence the Kernel's return, except his recepshin. Elder Sniffles preached a sarmon on it, takin' for his text "There shall be wars an rumors of wars," an provin from the Bible that war is the duty of all real, genuine Christians. ”

“ I shall veto that Bank of Biddle's, by the Eternal!' You see the old Ginneral couldn't hold a candil to Huffman, as far as larnin an talk went, but he had the genuine common sense that seen rite through the hull subject. So I tell you, Kernel, don't put your trust in edecated peepul. Ef the hull world thinks that you kin make a white man out of a nigger it only shows that the hull world is made up of fools. ”

“ One time we all thought that the Secesh would take us, bag and baggage; but we feel easier now, an everybody is hopin that the crysis is past. Rite in the midst of the tribbelation, Linkin called a meetin of the Cabynet to consult on the tryin state of affairs, an he insisted that I must meet with 'em, as it was no time to stand on precidents an ceterys, an beside, he sed he wanted the help of every ounce of loyal brains in the country. Ses he, "Majer, I kin depend on you, for though you sometimes give me a hard hit, yet you've allers got the good of your country at hart." ”

“ I was in hopes I could induce Linkin to put in some new men, an get out Chase, Seward, Stantin an Blair. But it's no use. So we shall jog along after the old fashion. Where we shall be in the spring no one kin tell. Congriss has gone to work in arnest to fix up the financies, an to take keer that the Dimmecrats don't sue Linkin for suspendin the habus korpus. The filanthropists are also bizzy, an they are goin to give all the niggers here a Christmas dinner, which, I suppose, is expected to last 'em the year round. ”

“ Now, you see, the people don't support you. They don't want niggers made equal to white men, nor they don't want 'em freed to be a tax on 'em. A few fellers like Greeley, whose brains all seem to run to bran-bread, an free luv, or some other moonstruck nonsense, an some larned fools like Sumnure, want to try the experiment, but they don't represent the people. So you see, Kernel, that in applyin the principle you have kicked yourself over, an I only menshin it to show you that if he had followed my advice you would not have had these grate defeats to mourn over. ”

“ You can't any more save the country without stickin to them, than you could have saved yourself without holdin on to the life-preserver. You must stick to the Constitution as it is, and not as Sumner and Greeley want it." The Kernel began to look kinder struck up wen he see how I had him, an so, seein my advantage, I kept on. Ses I, "Kernel, the truth is, you are just now in swimmin with Greeley, an Sumner, an Wilson, an Lovejoy, an Thad. Stevens, an it is no wonder the country is like you was jest now, chokin and gaspin, and just reddy to sink. ”

“ Seward, and ses I, "Boss, I'm goin to speak plane." Ses he, "That's rite, Majer. No one can find fault with you. You're a loyal man, and you've a rite to speak your mind." "Now," ses I, "in the first place, Boss, I want to ask you a plane questshin. We all know you are runnin the government machine, and whenever I look at a machine, I want to know what the drivin wheel is made of. You see if that is all rite, things will go putty nigh rite." Ses Seward, ses he, "Majer, I've got a model of my machine here, and ef you would like to look at it you kin." ”