“ I dinna think he has ony yedeea ye are a man at a', but some far-awa, outlandish, ower-the sea creature." The Duke, mightily tickled with this fancy, desired Jamie to bring the youngster into his presence forthwith. Out comes the juvenile inquisiter with his finger in his mouth, and cautiously reconnoitres the personage before him. At last quoth the urchin, "Can ye soom?" "No, my little fellow," replied his Grace, "I canna soom." "Can ye flee?" No, I canna flee." "Well, man, for as muckle's ye're, I wadna gi'e ane o' ma fayther's dukes for ye; for they can baith soom an' flee!" ”

“ MARCH OF INTELLECT.
Two country carters, passing the entrance to the Arcade, Argyll street, Glasgow, observed painted on the wall, “No Dogs to enter here.” “No Dogs to enter here!” exclaimed one of them, “I’m sure there’s nae use for that there.” “What way, Jock,” replied the other. “’Cause dogs canna read signs,” said he. “Ha, ha, Jock, ye’re may be wrang, I’se warran ye gentle folk’s dogs ’ill ken’t brawley, for there’s schools, noo, whar they learn the dumb baith to read an’ speak.” ”

“ A person who resides in the ancient town of Killwinning, proverbial for his liberality in meat and drink, to friends and acquaintances; strangers too, seldom passed without experiencing a due share of his kindness; lately while feasting nearly a dozen of random visitors on “Pat Luck,” a beggar called at the door soliciting charity, when he very good humouredly called out, “I canna help you the day, I hae plenty o’ your kin here already.” ”

“ Honest Jamie, in a few days, being honoured with a visit from the Duke, doffed his bonnet, made a profound, reverential bow, and said, "O, my lord, ye maunna be angry wi' me, but it's a Heeven's truth, my lord, there's a daft wee callant o' mine that canna rest nor let ithers rest nicht nor day, he has ta'en in his head sic a notion o' seein' what like you are, gude sake, my lord ”

“ A Parrot perched upon a pole at a cottage door, basking itself in the sun, was observed by a rapacious Hawk which happened to be passing over it, and suddenly dived down and seized poor Poll by the back, away the Hawk flew with his prey ”

“ A female pauper, lately made a very strong and forcible appeal to the elders and heritors of a certain parish, for an advance of 4s. 6d.—Some one of the grave quorum enquired what made her so urgent on this occasion, when she had lately got a supply of coals, shoes, &c., to this she replied— “Why, deed sirs, it’s just to buy a pair o’corsets to my daughter Tibbae, ilk lass that’s ocht respectable has them but hersel’, so ye see she canna do wantin them, an’ ye maun e’en let me ha’t sirs.” ”

“ On a bleak Sunday afternoon in the country, an acquaintance from a neighbouring parish accosted him one day, and asked how the world was moving with him, “Oh, very puirly, sir, very puirly indeed,” was the answer, “the yard has done naething ava for us this Summer, if ye like to believe me, I havna buriet a leevin’ soul this sax weeks.”
EXPENCE OF A WIFE
An old bachelor who lived in a very economical style, both as regards food and clothing, and not altogether so very trig as some bachelors sometimes appear, was frequently attacked by his acquaintances on the propriety of taking a wife ”

“ The wife asks, “What you say, Duncan?”—“ Gie the cummer (the midwife) a dram, Shanet, gie the cummer a dram!’’—“What for Duncan?” Gie the cummer a dram, Shanet an’ tell him to mak her a laddie.
DEATH OF A WATCH.
After the battle of Falkirk, in 1746, a Highlandman was observed extracting a gold watch from the fob of an English officer who bad been killed. His comrade viewed him with a greedy eye; which the man taking notice of said to him “Tamn you gapin’ creedy bitch, gang an’ shoot a shentleman for hersel’, an’ no envie me o’ my pit watch. ”