Various

“ Mrs. Tanqueray is a life-like tragedy, and Sowing the Wind a life-like comedy. It was a pleasure to congratulate Mr. Alexander at the St. James's on his choice of a piece, and of the company to suit it, especially on the engagement of Mrs. Patrick Campbell for the heroine; and now it is equally pleasant to congratulate a confrère in literature, Mr. Comyns Carr, on having made so eminently successful a début in theatrical management, as he has done in choice of the piece and of the company to play it. ”

“ And really, considering you are a shareholder in the Eldorado, it's a little too strong to condemn me for merely going there.
Mr. Toov. I—I may not be a shareholder long, Charles. Unless I can conscientiously feel able to retain my shares I shall take the first opportunity of selling them.
Charles. But why, Uncle? Better stick to them now you have got them!
Mr. Toov. What? with the knowledge that I was profiting by practices I disapproved of? Never, Charles!
Charles. But you can't sell without making a profit, you know; they've gone up tremendously. ”

“ Collimore, Sir, but when a party, as is elderly enough to know better, tries to put under'and questions to me about where and 'ow any o' my gentlemen pass their hevenins, and if they go to the music-'all and what not—why, I put it to you——
Charles. All right, Mrs. Cagney, put it to me some other time; you didn't understand my uncle, that's all—you needn't stay. Oh, by the way, I'm dining out again this evening. Tell Cagney to leave the chain, as I may be late. (After Mrs. C. has retired.) Well, Uncle, I'm afraid your diplomacy hasn't had quite the success it deserved. ”

“ It is a very clever piece of workmanship. In these modern matter-of-fact realistic days, fancy the awful danger to any play in which a father has to discover his long-lost child! The strawberry mark on the left arm, the amulet, the duplicate miniature of the mother—these ways and means, and many others, must occur to the playgoer, and must have presented themselves at the outset to the author, flattering himself on his originality, as difficulties almost insuperable because so stagey, so worn threadbare, so out of date. ”

“ It is a canon of comedy-construction that from the first, the audience should be let into the secret of the dénouement, but that they should be puzzled as to the means by which that end is to be achieved. ”

“ I happen to know more about my nephew's tastes and pursuits than you imagine.
Mrs. Cagn. (roused) . Then, if you know so much, whatever do you come 'ere and ask me for? It's my belief you ain't up to no good, for all you look so respectable, comin' into my 'ouse a-pokin' your nose into what don't concern you, for all the world like a poll-pryin', sneakin' Russian spy!
Charles (entering behind her) . Hallo, Mrs. Cagney, what's all this—who's a Russian spy, eh? (Recognising Mr. Toovey.) What—Uncle! you don't mean to say it's you? ”

“ Charles. She didn't seem to be equally complimentary to you, Uncle. "A Russian spy," wasn't it? But really, you know, you might have come to me for any information you require. I don't mind telling you all there is to tell. And surely Aunt knows I've been to a music-hall; why, she pitched into me about it enough last Sunday!
Mr. Toov. I—I think she wanted to know whether you went frequently, Charles, or only that once.
Charles. Oh, and so she sent you up to pump my landlady? Well, I'll tell you exactly how it is. I don't set up to be a model young man like your friend Curphew. ”

“ If he be riding for a fall, and if the public won't come down heavily, let us hope, if he fall at all, he will come down lightly. Then he adds, in his own independent way, "If it is thought necessary to tamper with these prices in an upward direction" ["tampering upward" is pretty] , "I shall give up this, my final effort in theatrical management" [Oh, no, don't!—please don't!!] , "and walk out of the building." Why "walk"? By his own free admission he will be driven out (which sounds like a contradiction in terms) , so why make a virtue of walking out. Never walk when you can ride. ”

“ Whose intellect seems ever in a sentimental mist.
Now Leo, little given to read books on Natural History,
Was watchful of Dame Nature's facts. "It seems to me a mystery
My querulous Press Porcupine," observed the wary Lion,
"That what you've set your heart on, you can never keep clear eye on.
Look at his teeth!" "Oh, nonsense!" cried the Querulous Quillman, quoting
From a book on Big Mammalia, to which he'd been devoting
All his odd moments recently. "Those tusks may look terrific,
But the monster's graminivorous, and pleasant, and pacific.
They're solely meant for cutting grass! ”

“ You must not believe all you hear, and it is unwise to impute motives before receiving explanations. The people here are warm-hearted and sympathetic, and the soldiers (as a body) are the mildest-mannered persons imaginable. ”

“ Tell me, are you really going to the Eldorado this evening?
Charles. I can't say; it depends on the other fellow. But I will [pg 185] if I can get him to go, for your sake. And I'm afraid I ought to go and change, Uncle, if you'll excuse me. Make yourself as comfortable as you can. Here's to-day's Pink 'Un, if you haven't seen it.
Mr. Toov. I'm not in the habit of seeing such periodicals, Sir. And I must be going. Oh, by the bye, your Aunt wished me to ask you to come down and dine and sleep on Monday next. Thea will be back, and I believe Mr. Curphew has got a free evening for once. ”

“ There's never any news. Smith Minor has got his cap for football, and Snooks Major is going up to Oxford instead of Cambridge. What does it matter when the beef is so tough that you might sole your boots with it? ”

“ Manly and lover-like is Mr. Sydney Brough. In the dramatic unfolding of the plot, faultlessly acted as it is, the audience from first to last are thoroughly interested. Here and there, speeches and scenes would be all the better for some judicious excision. When you are convinced, further argument weakens the case, and I confess I should like to hear that ten minutes' worth of dialogue had been taken out of the parts played by Mr. ”

“ Collimore's uncle.
Mrs. Cagn. (to herself) . The old fox! So he's trying to ferret out something against him, is he? Well, he won't—that's all. (Aloud.) If you are his huncle, Sir, all I can say is, you've got a nephew to be proud on. I wouldn't wish to let my first floor to a steadier or a more industrious young gentleman; comes in punctual to a tick every night of his life and 'as his dinner, and sets studyin' his book till 'alf-past ten, which is his bed-time. I don't know what more you want. ”

“ Considering the relative value of the metals, the case for gold ought to be out and away the stronger of the two, impregnable, and burglar-proof, so that it could be advertised thus: "It's no use having gold unless you have Sir John Lubbock's 'case for gold' to keep it in."
[pg 182]
BEHEMOTH AND THE LION; OR, SPEARS AND QUILLS. A Fable for Pseudo-Philanthropists.
Philanthropist Press-Man. "Oh stop, stop, Mister Lion! Wait a bit! Perhaps the pretty Creature means no harm!"
Leo (curtly) . "Look at his Teeth!" ”

“ Mahommedans? Mahometans? Moslems? Mussulmen? or Muslims? Perhaps, to adapt Mr. Mantalini's famous summary, and merely substituting "all" for "both," and "none of 'em" for "neither," we may say "So all are right, and none of 'em wrong, upon our life and soul, O demmit!"
[pg 184]
UNDER THE ROSE. (A Story in Scenes.)
Scene IX.—Charles Collimore's Sitting-room at Keppel Street, Bloomsbury. Time—Saturday afternoon.
Mrs. Cagney (the landlady, showing Mr. Toovey in) . Oh, I thought Mr. Collimore had come in, Sir, but I expect him in every minute. Will you take a seat? ”

“ Reflect that they may break a partner's leg,
And, choose, alas, to 'make a leg,' and leave us."
DRAMA COLLEGE. Establishment for Young Ladies, and Preparatory School for Little Boys,
Conducted by
THE MISSES MELPOMENE AND THALIA.
The Curriculum includes thorough grounding in Knowledge of Life, and in High-class Virtue and Honesty. The Pupils are carefully restrained from the practice of "unlovely middle-class virtue." Severe morality constantly inculcated. Mere amusement strictly excluded. Aristocratic Deportment and Etiquette taught by experienced Assistants. ”

“ For remember he was accustomed to insults from the clown. When a horse regards insults from the clown with equanimity, you may be sure he will object to nothing."
"And what were the nature of these insults?" queried the veteran warrior, with renewed interest. "Did the clown push him about? ”