Various

“ Poor Junior Scoundrel! from the first he has no chance of appearing either gay or light-hearted, as he is invariably at the mercy of the Senior Rascal, and is finally shot by his own revolver which, after being used against him on several occasions, for the poor Junior Rascal never has a chance with it himself, falls into the hands of aforementioned Senior Rascal, and so he goes to his dramatic grave without having had one solitary opportunity of making a light and airy speech, or doing anything to bring down the house. ”

“ Surely an actor whose rôle is sheer villainy of the deepest dye must be able to command enormous terms, seeing what a long training it must require to arrive at taking cursing for compliments! An Adelphi audience personally hate and detest the stage villain, but for all that, they couldn't do without him, any more than can the melodramatic author or the Messrs. Gatti.
After the villain, who certainly holds the first place in popular unpopularity, comes the Heroic Boy, Charles Warner, all heartiness and simplicity, a very "bounding Achilles;" ”

“ Phœbe (returning) . If you please, m'm, this is the only paper I could find.
Mrs. T. (taking it from the salver, without looking at it) . Quite right, Phœbe—we shall be ready for supper when I ring. (When Phœbe has gone.) I can't see anything without my——Althea, just go and see if I have left my spectacle-case in my room, my dear. It's astonishing how they're always getting mislaid, and I'm so helpless without them. (Althea goes.) Mr. Curphew, perhaps you will read this aloud for me; I want my husband to hear. ”

“ Charles Cartwright, and were it not for the things he does and says, he might at any moment be taken for a comedian neither light nor eccentric, but a fairly all-round and superior sort of "Charles his friend," whose lines fall in pleasant places as feeders. ”

“ You see, when a fellow has lodgings in a nice cheerful street in Bloomsbury, it isn't likely he'd want to turn out of an evening after sticking hard at the office all day!
Mrs. T. I am glad to hear you say so, Charles. It is quite a mistake for a young man to think he cannot do without amusement. Your Uncle never thought of amusing himself when he was young—or our married life would not be what it is. ”

“ There's not a man who'll not say—Well-played, Tykes!
COPHETUA, L.C.C.
Mr. Grant Allen charges London with being "a squalid village." Sir Lepel Griffin suggests that the "Postprandial Philosopher" must have been dining badly. He—Sir Lepel—contends that "Like the beggar-maid in Mr. Burne-Jones's picture, London is a beautiful woman, fair of face and noble of form, and only needs the transforming hand of some future King Cophetua to strip her of her sordid rags, and clothe her in the lustrous raiment which befits her." ”

“ T. Charles, if you can stand there and feel no shame when you see how disturbed and disgusted even Mr. Curphew looks, and the agitated state to which you have reduced your poor Uncle, you must indeed be hardened! ”

“ A tall slim young man enters, with a pale, smooth-shaven face, and rather melancholy eyes, which light up as he greets Althea.
Mrs. T. How do you do, Mr. Curphew? You are a little late—but some services last longer than others. Oh, Phœbe, now I think of it, just bring me a paper you will find in one of the pockets of Mr. Collimore's overcoat; it's hanging up in the hall—the drab one with grey velvet on the collar. (Phœbe goes.) It's a circular, Mr. Curphew, which was given out in our Church this evening, and may interest you to see. ”

“ Sir Lepel, instead of joining in the parrot-chorus of disparagement, actually says, "The best hope of the regeneration of London is in the County Council"!!! He thinks "it is a mistake" to distrust them, and would hand over to them (says the Daily Chronicle) most of the machinery and material of our municipal life. Quite so. And as the Gryphon (which is much the same thing as Griffin) said to the Mock Turtle (suggestive this of the Civic Corporation) , in Alice in Wonderland, Punch would say to Sir Lepel or his problematic Cophetua, "Drive on, old fellow! ”

“ Sir,—I give a list of misused words that have occurred to me during a month on the Continent. I put the words I consider inappropriately applied in italics. Paris is inexpensive, Boulogne is beautiful, Cologne is inodorous, German cookery is good, 'Arry on his travels is pleasant, garlic is agreeable, hotel charges in Italy are moderate, railway travelling in Belgium is expeditious, washing-basins in Swiss hotels are large, a rough passage across the Channel is delightful, and the Continent is like home. ”

“ Curphew, who is coming in to supper to-night, see how hard he works—up to town every afternoon, and not back till long after midnight.
[The bell rings.
Charles. Rather queer hours to work, Aunt. Are you sure he doesn't go up just to read the paper?
Althea (with a slight flush) . He goes up to write it, Charles. Mr. Curphew is on the press, and has taken rooms here for the air of [pg 113] the Common. And—and he is very clever, and works very hard indeed; you can see that from his looks.
Phœbe (announcing) . Mr. Curphew. ”

“ He says that "the general administration of London is infinitely mean and inefficient," adding that "vested interests are chiefly to blame for the national disgrace." Very well. Let Sir Lepel help to give those same Vested Interests "vun in the veskit," squelch the Jerry Builder, and arrest the march of "Uglification," and then—why then London will, as in duty bound, erect his statue in place, and on the site of, that other, and very different "Griffin," which is the very incarnation of Uglification, and material embodiment of Bœotian Bumbledom! ”

“ Althea. Yes, Mamma; but there is plenty of time. Cecilia doesn't expect me till the afternoon.
Charles. So Thea's going up to town for a few days' spree, eh, Aunt Cornelia?
Mrs. T. (severely) . Your cousin is going on a visit to a married schoolfellow, who is her senior by two or three years, and who, I understand, was the most exemplary pupil Miss Pruins ever had. I have no doubt Mrs. Merridew will take Althea to such entertainments as are fit and proper for her—picture-galleries, museums, concerts, possibly a lecture—but I should not describe that myself as a "spree."
Charles. ”

“ An M. P-erruquier.—M. Chauvin, the theatrical perruquier, the Clarkson of the Théâtre Français, has been recently elected Deputy for St. Denis. He will not neglect his business, but will get up all the heads of his parliamentary discourses in the afternoon, and be ready to "get up" the heads of the house of Molière in the evening. To those who oppose him in political matters he is prepared, without any hair-splitting, to give a regular good wigging all round. ”

“ He comes in for his share of the hissing, poor fellow! as does also Miss Alma Stanley, in the costume of a kind of Madame Mephistopheles—a female villain of the deepest scarlet and black dye. She, too, is one of the trio only created to be hooted at by an enthusiastically virtuous public. This monster of female depravity, however, is not a bad sort, and shows some signs of repentance—a repentance not too late, though it is deferred till 10.50, when it just comes in time to assist the plot and unite two loving hearts. ”

“ Curphew—they will both be here to supper—and Charles is in a Solicitor's office. But my nephew is too young, and Mr. Curphew, though he is a journalist, is wise and serious beyond his years—and if, as Cornelia thinks, he is beginning to feel a tenderness for Althea, why, it might cause him to reconsider his—— No, I can't tell anyone but my wife. (Sounds are heard in the hall.) There they are!—they are back from Church—already! (He catches up his book.) I must try to be calm. She must not notice anything at present!
Mrs. T. (outside) . I've left my things downstairs, Phœbe ”

“ Benches occupied chiefly with Admirals, Captains, Secretaries to the Admiralty and ex-Secretaries, with the Chancellor of the Exchequer and his predecessor thrown in; also Alpheus Cleophas, silent through debate on Home-Rule Bill, has a few words to say. Imposing demonstration on bench behind ex-Ministers. Hanbury in corner seat representing Youth at the Prow; at the other end sits Experience at the Helm, the part taken (not for this time only) by Tommy Bowles. Midway sits the Blameless Blushing Bartley. Always blameless. ”

“ Punch's Up-to-Date Nursery Rhyme, "New King Coal" (August 19, p. 74) , a very obvious error was made in speaking of the colliers of Northumberland and Durham as "on strike," when in fact they were only "considering the advisability" of joining their Welsh "brothers" and Midland "mates" in a collective stand against the coal-owners. Since then, Mr. Punch is glad to know, they have "thought better of it," and have not joined the strike—having, perhaps, given "thoughtful consideration" to Mr. Punch's friendly conundrum. ”

“ The alleged unemployed who assemble on Tower Hill are becoming worse even than mountebanks. One of the speakers declared yesterday that 'The secret societies of London are going to-night to wait on Mr. ”

“ JOHN BULL'S NAVAL VADE MECUM.
(Prepared for his use by the Authorities at the Admiralty.)
Question. Does not England possess the best possible fleet?
Answer. Certainly, and always has enjoyed that advantage.
Q. But do not the iron-clads comprising this fleet frequently turn turtle?
A. Assuredly. In fact, whenever they have the smallest opportunity.
Q. And do not the guns with which the ships are armed occasionally burst?
A. Not only occasionally, but frequently.
Q. And are not the commanders of the fleet sometimes guilty of errors of judgment? ”

“ Men lose their heads there still.
THE MINOR ILLS OF LIFE. Portrait of a Gentleman attempting to regain his Tent after the Morning Bath.
JABEZWOCKY.
["In the House of Lords a Bill strengthening the power of making Directors liable in respect of misconduct or neglect in the winding-up of Companies passed its second reading."—Daily Paper.] ”

“ Alpheus not by any means mollified; means to bring up whole subject in Committee on Army Estimates.
Business done.—Over four millions voted on Navy Estimates by some twenty or thirty Members representing House of Commons.
Wednesday.—Mr. G. made fine speech to-day, moving Third Reading of Home-Rule Bill. Benefited immensely by compression; only an hour long; but full of meat and matter. Long grown accustomed to these supreme efforts of Perennial Youth. ”