Various

“ DEAR MR. PUNCH,—You are so awfully good to chaps at school that I am sure you will insert this letter. SMITH MINOR, who takes in the Times, says, that a "PARENT" has been writing to say, that there should be a meeting of Fathers to swagger over the meeting of Head Masters. Well, this wouldn't be half a bad idea if it were properly conducted; but the "PARENT" seems to be a beast of a governor, who wants to cut down the holidays, and such like rot. And this brings me to what I want to propose myself. If there are to be meetings of Head Masters and Parents, why not a meeting of Boys? ”

“ LIEUTENANT PORTHOS, Captain ATHOS, and Major ARAMIS were delighted with the progress discernible in every detail of the battalion to which it was their honour to belong. Not a man that did not appear on parade conscious of the fact that he had made himself proficient—the privates were contented, the non-commissioned officers happy. It was, indeed, a model Regiment. On the occasion of their inspection by Colonel D'ARTAGNAN, a man marched from the ranks, and demanded a hearing. ”

“ PORTHOS, ATHOS, and ARAMIS would have protested, but Colonel D'ARTAGNAN motioned them to be silent. "I am here," he murmured, "to listen to complaints. I must listen to his."
"Sir," said the complainant, "we have admirable officers—the Lieutenant, the Captain, and the Major. They are always at work."
"Yes," returned Colonel D'ARTAGNAN; "and so are you." ”

“ Cette petite blonde, JANE, a ses idées à elle de se ranger, de vivre en honnête femme avec son respectable JEAN POPPOT qui l'adore, au point de lui pardonner tout le volume premier de son histoire.
Il n'y a pas dans tout Paris ménage plus gentil que le petit appartement au septième des POPPOT dans une cité ouvrière de ce Betnal Grin Parisien. Tout va bien avec ces braves gens. Lui, c'est le Steeple-Jack de Paris, où il fait les réparations de tous les toits. Elle, blanchisseuse de fin, a développé un secret dans la façon d'empeser les plastrons de chemises. ”

“ Hors d'oeuvres are works of supererogation, and have never been, so to speak, acclimatised in our English table-land. The Baron may have overlooked any directions about écrivisses, not as bisque, but pure and simple as cray-fish, which, fresh from the river and served hot and hot come in late but welcome as an admirable refresher to the palate, and as a relish for the champagne, though the Baron is free to admit that the dainty manipulation of them is somewhat of a trial to the inexperienced guest, especially in the presence of "Woman, lovely Woman." ”

“ Si vous voulez voir les Slums Parisiens et comprendre le Peuple—avec la majuscule—vous devez visiter les Saloperies, faubourg au delà de Belleville et de Ménilmontant, faubourg où les femmes sortent le matin en cheveux—ça ne veut pas dire comme Lady GODIVA, mais simplement sans chapeau—acheter de la charcuterie; et où vers minuit dans des bouges infects les hommes se coupent le gavion, en bons zigs, après une soirée de rigolade. ”

“ POTTER most obliging of men; offered no objection. So TIM conducted him to the seat; he dropped gently, but firmly in it; Brer RABBIT putting on his spectacles, and looking across the expanse of T.B.'s shoulders, thought he recognised Brer FOX at the other side. Anyhow, he was beyond speaking distance, and so embarrassment was obviated.
TIM, his mind thus at rest, able to devote his attention to debate, to progress of which, he contributed a few interjections. Finally, when Division taken on JOHN MORLEY's Motion, and everybody ready to go home, he moved and carried Adjournment of Debate. ”

“ And yet there seems nothing to prevent a fellow like HANBURY looking down from his six feet two scornfully on a British soldier not more than five feet four in his stocking-feet, whilst he inflates his chest, and asks, in profound bass notes, how are the ancient glories of the British Army to be maintained with men who cannot stretch the tape at thirty-six inches? ”

“ Everybody likes the books of our literary Major, and everybody will be pleased with The Plunger. The new Story is in two volumes, and is full of incident. There is a murder, which carries one through, from the first page to the last, in a state of breathless excitement. ”

“ OLD MORALITY himself, that overflowing reservoir of moral axioms, takes on an aggravated air of responsibility and respectability. Has had a great triumph which would inflate a man of less modest character. Last night, or rather early this morning, Irish Members appeared to force Government hand; just when it seemed that RUSSELL's Amendment was about to be substituted for MORLEY's Resolution, TIM HEALY interposed, moved Adjournment of Debate ”

“ The Autobiography of Joseph Jefferson is a good stout volume, full of portraits and interest from beginning to end, forming an important addition to the theatrical history of the day. The Baron drinks to his old friend, the greatest Rip that ever lived. "Here's your health, and your family's, and may you live long, and prosper!" ”

“ Now, when in a so-called Comic Opera your two principal low comedians have very little to do, say, or sing, and when that little is not of a particularly side-splitting character, and when the plot is not replete with comic situations, such a work must depend for its success on the freshness of its melodies, on the popularity of its artistes, and on the excellence of its mise-en-scène. ”

“ If it be permissible for great Masters to repeat themselves, as notably more than one has done, may not little Masters exhibit the results of their profound studies in the schools of popular Composers? ”

“ As one of our great prose-writers observed, it is, on the whole, more conducive to comfort to endure any inconveniences that may press upon one at the current moment, than to hasten to encounter others with the precise nature of which we do not happen to be acquainted. ”

“ Elle fait des plastrons monumentaux, luisants, dur comme l'albâtre. Elle a des clients dans le beau monde et à l'étranger, jusqu'au Prince de BALEINES, qui lui confie ses chemises de grande toilette, celles qu'il porte au diner du Lor Maire, par exemple.
JANE achète sa charcuterie, et après elle s'arrête au coin de la rue pour regarder Paris. C'était un tic qu'elle avait, de regarder Paris. Cela tenait de la famille OGWASH. Instinct de race. ”

“ This is unfair—unjust. We are always at work."
"Yes," returned General D'ARTAGNAN, "and so are they."
"True enough. We feel that, although they pay everything for the battalion, they should do more. They ought to compensate their excellent privates for the time we devote to obeying them."
And PORTHOS, ATHOS, and ARAMIS accepted the suggestion, to the great delight of their subordinates.
PART III.—Ten Years Later.
Lieutenant PORTHOS, Captain ATHOS, and Major ARAMIS were yet again on parade.
"I salute you, my friends," said Field Marshal D'ARTAGNAN, the inspecting officer. ”

“ Member wants to know when we shall resume the debate, the adjournment of which he and his friends were instrumental in carrying at an early hour this morning. Well, I must say, on the part of Her Majesty's Government, that we are perfectly satisfied with matters as they were left. We had a lively debate, a majority much larger than we had dared to hope for, and, as far as we are concerned, I think we'll leave matters alone. ”

“ Brer FOX sitting in old place, two steps down third bench below Gangway. Brer RABBIT, sunk in profound meditation, oblivious to the rival Leader's presence, occupies corner seat; room for one between them. Who shall take it? Anxious time for TIM HEALY. Nothing he dreads so much as possibility of outbreak. In Committee-Room No. 15, Brer FOX snatched out of Brer RABBIT's hand a sheet of paper. Suppose now, in sudden paroxysm, he were to reach forth and taking Brer RABBIT by the beard bang his head against the back of the Bench? ”

“ To put my case before the public as it ought to be put, I should first have to gain the ear of the Press—and you want a golden key to do that, nowadays. The Press is very reluctant to run down successful writers. ”

“ Not that we mind it much, still we are the fellows who get swished at Eton, and feel the tolly at Beaumont. Surely the Boys know more about a licking than Head Masters and Parents? You, as a practical man, will say, "Who should attend the Congress?" I reply, every public school might send a delegate ”

“ Elle a dégringolé. Cela a commencé tout doucement en trainant ses savates. Quand une femme dégringole elle traine ses savates. C'est une loi universelle. L'on ne dégringole pas sans trainer ses savates; l'on ne traine pas ses savates sans dégringoler. Ainsi gare aux souliers éculés. O, mais elle est changée, cette pauvre p'tite blonde! ”

“ Practical suspension of trade between the Dominion and the U.S.A., the latter having now attained the desired object of shutting out goods of British manufacture from the American market.
1897. England refuses to assist Canada in resenting Yankee encroachment in the seal fisheries.
1898. Canada asks to be annexed to the U.S.A.
1899. After some hesitation Uncle SAM consents to absorb the Dominion.
1900. Canada becomes a tenth-rate Yankee State.
THE DICTUM OF DIOGENES.
"One Man, One Vote!" ”