Various

“ The door opens, and Uncle Gabriel enters, clinging affectionately to Lord Strathsporran's arm.
Uncle Gab. And when I take a fancy to a young fellow, my Lord, I don't allow any social prejudices to stand in the way. I should say just the same if you were a mere nobody. We ought to see more of one another. ”

“ Esmonde, mildest-mannered man that ever whipped for Irish party, casually, as if he were inviting him to have a cigarette, asked Wolmer across House whether it was true that he had called Irish Members "forty paid mercenaries"? Wolmer, an equally well-dressed, civil-spoken young man, smilingly admitted that it was quite true he had couched a remark in the terms quoted, but had certainly not meant anything offensive to Irish Members. ”

“ A Sliding-scale is a——well, it's a sort of patent mechanical contrivance for weighing out things, so as to make it fairer than ordinary scales do. (Plunges recklessly.) You can make it slide up or down, you know, and fix it at any point you like. ”

“ And, naturally, when I saw your Uncle about to smoke——
Mr. Tid. That was different, as you might have known. Why, one cigar is as much as my wife can stand!
Lord Strath. You—er—wouldn't wish her to smoke more than one, surely?
[pg 89]
Mr. Tid. (outraged) . My wife smoke! Never did such a thing in her life! She don't allow me to smoke. She wouldn't allow Mr. Gilwattle if he wasn't her Uncle. And I can tell you, when she comes down in the morning, and finds the curtains smelling of smoke, and hears you were the other, I shall catch it! ”

“ House of Commons, Monday, February 13.—House filled from floor to topmost range of gallery. Terrible rumour that it is also peopled underneath. Members sitting on two front benches evidently restless through opening passages of Mr. G.'s speech. Weird whispering heard, apparently rising from boots of First Lord of the Treasury. Grandolph pricks up his ears; fancies he recognises voice familiar in Harley Street. First thought, whispered commentary must come from Ladies' Gallery. Right Hon. Gentlemen look up, and conclude it is too remote. Besides, Ladies never talk in the Gallery. ”

“ And this is the burglar, smiling in scorn, who escaped by the rope-ladder, window-sill-borne, and evaded the Bobbies all forlorn, called on by the man, unshaven, unshorn, aroused from his sleep in the early morn, by the dog who barked at the bell, agitated by the telephone, set in motion by the wire, attached to the burglar-alarm, connected with the show-case, reached by way of the rope-ladder, hooked to the window, plastered with brown-paper and treacle, belonging to the House that Bill burgled. ”

“ Spencer Walpole's book, has thriven on Home Rule. We all know that Club Land gets on very well, Club-law being administered by men only, seeing that men only are the governing and governed. But "Home" is the antithesis of the Club, and Home Rule, domestically, means Female sovereignty. In the Isle of Man-sans-Woman there can be no Home Rule properly so called. ”

“ The whole menagerie sent by neighbouring farmers. Wish they'd send me arrears of rent for glebe instead; yet I daren't ask for them. Evidently intended as Easter "gifts in kind;" but not the kind I want. Send donkey on to Curate, and tether cow in back-yard, not having a field. Pigs temporarily accommodated in back kitchen. Cook threatens to give notice.
Church. Offertory goes to me to-day! Don't half like it. Feel like a schoolboy expecting to be tipped. Curate rather glum. Finds he thinks my sending the donkey to him was meant to insult him. ”

“ First Well-informed Man. There hasn't been much in this debate on the Addresses.
Second W. I. M. Oh. I don't know. They've promised a pretty big list of measures. How they're going to find time for the lot I can't make out.
First W. I. M. (contemptuously) . Yes, that's always the way with these Governments. They all talk mighty big at the beginning of the Session, and then, at the end, they've done nothing, absolutely nothing; at least, nothing that's any good to anybody. Parliament's getting to be nothing but a bear-garden. The House won't be a fit place for a gentleman to be seen in soon. ”

“ Well, then, how do you explain Free Trade, and rent, and all that?
Second W. I. M. Now you're getting a bit nearer. It's all a question of rent. Free Trade's got absolutely nothing to do with it. What we want in this country is a Sliding-scale. ”

“ Galleries crammed, whilst, through grille of Ladies' Gallery, bright eyes rained influence. Grandolph had arranged to resume Debate on Home-Rule Bill; should have come on bright and fresh as soon as questions were over. ”

“ However, if these heaven-born dramatic critics occasionally hear a few words of good advice from so honest a guest as Henry Irving, such gatherings may perhaps serve some useful purpose.
Gladstone's Aside on the Irish Members.
You are, in faith, like women—divil doubt you!—
For "there's no living with you, or without you." ”

“ I don't expect he's more than a Viscount, if so much. I do think she might have presented us to him, though!
Mrs. Ditch. It isn't the fashion to introduce, nowadays. But I consider we are quite entitled to speak to him, if we get an opportunity—in fact, he would think it very odd if we didn't! (&c., &c.)
Mrs. Gilwattle. Well, Maria, I say, as I said before, don't let it turn your head, that's all! Depend upon it, this young nobleman isn't so affable for nothing. He wouldn't dine with you like this unless he expected to get something out of it. What that something may be, you best know! ”

“ MR. PUNCH'S HISTORICAL CARTOONS. MR. G.'S ROOM IN THE HOUSE OF COMMONS.
"Then how did it get there?" said the Ulster man, under the seat.
[pg 96]
"That's for you to explain," said the Colonel, politely assisting Ulster man to rise. "If, when a gentleman is taking his seat, an Hon. Member places his hat upon it, accidents will happen."
Ulster man threatens to bring question under notice of Speaker. "Begad, I hope he will," said the Colonel, smiling grimly. "If you know the gentleman, Toby, tell him I'll keep him in hats through Leap Year if he'll only do it. ”

“ But the passion just the same; equally reckless; every man first, and the Sergeant-at-Arms take the hindmost."
Playfair himself came down two hours later, intending to take his seat in Peers' Gallery, but, finding another mob at entrance, almost as turbulent, concluded he would not add to the tumult by wrestling with anybody for a place in the front rank. ”

“ Second W. I. M. Surely you know that. They only have Royal Commissions for labour and that sort of thing. Committees don't get any pay, you know.
Inquirer. Of course. I ought to have remembered that. But who's this Lord Winchilsea and Nottingham, who's cutting about the country, talking about agriculture! What does he know about it? I don't seem to recollect his name.
First W. I. M. He's a Peer.
Inquirer. Yes, I know that; but why do they call him Lord Winchilsea and Nottingham?
Average Man. Because that's his name. ”

“ Slow music. Air—"Come, Kill the fatted Calf."
Saturday, 12:50, A.M.—Mr. G. just brought in Home-Rule Bill, amid ringing cheers from Ministerialists, who rise to their feet, and wildly wave their hats as Premier passes to table. Been some effective speaking on this last night of Debate. Chamberlain, Blake, and John Morley, each excellent in varied way. Only few Members present to hear Bodkin insert maiden speech in dinner-hour. ”