Various

“ I don't know what we should do without Tommy Bowles. The spectacle of his white ducks is to me as the shadow of a great rock in a weary land. They talk about an army of men in the basement working machinery that keeps the temperature ten degrees below what it is marked on the Terrace. Also there is, it seems, a ton and a half of ice melting in ventilating chambers at the taxpayers' expense for our comfort. But I don't think ice is in it with Tommy's ducks. ”

“ Substitute 'in Bokhara' for 'outside Sassafras Court,' and you get this result—
'She must have been in Bokhara.'
Do you see any flaw in my reasoning?"
For a moment I was unable to answer. The boldness and originality of this master-mind had as usual taken my breath away. Holes observed my emotion with sympathy.
"Come, come, my dear fellow!" he said; "try not to be too much overcome. Of course, I know it is not everybody who could track the mazes of a mystery so promptly; but, after all, by this time you of all people in the world ought to have grown accustomed to my ways. ”

“ A Conspirator potent, whose plot's bound to fail;
The land's greatest danger, because such a dolt;
As ruler a scourge, because breeding revolt;
As political guide ever banefully strong,
Because the majority sees he is wrong. ”

“ See in the papers that school-children at Whissendine and elsewhere are taught gardening. Excellent idea, this. Small Holdings for Small Boys! Decide to try it at my "Select Academy for the Sons of Gentlemen," as kitchen garden certainly does want attending to, and I can't afford a gardener. Tell the boys about it. They want to know if the hour a day which I purpose to devote to Agriculture is to take the place of Bradley's Latin Exercises. On hearing that it is, boys seem relieved, and Smith Junior pronounces the scheme a "jolly lark." ”

“ I cannot endure to be for ever the scape-goat of the great, and, if the Cardinal persists in his refusal to do me justice, I shall have, in the last resort, to tell the whole truth about one of the strangest affairs that ever furnished gossip for all the most brilliant and aristocratic tea-tables of the Metropolis. ”

“ But," said Edward of Armagh, drawing on his military experiences, "what we're doing just now may be much more accurately described as the goose step."
Quite so. We sit all afternoon and far into the night, always talking, sometimes dividing; every appearance of motion, no advance; feet lifted with due sign of walking, but when midnight strikes and parade dismissed we are found posted exactly at the same spot as that on which we took our stand at half-past three in the afternoon. ”

“ Dodger admits that he bought them from village greengrocer. I remark humorously to boys—"This is Dodger's plot!" Boys cheer me, and, being indignant at Dodger's cheating, make him—so I hear afterwards—"run the gauntlet" in the dormitory the same evening. Hope it will do the little sneak good. Smith Junior tries to do circus trick on garden roller. Nearly killed. Two hundred lines, and a page of Bradley's Exercises. Hear him saying that "he wishes Old Swats (that's me) would do his gardening himself, and see how he likes it!" ”

“ Labour? Well yus, the best of hus must work; yer carn't git quit of it;
And you and me, Poll, like the rest, must do our little bit of it.
But oh, I loves my freedom, Poll, my hevenings hoff is 'eaven;
But wives and slavies ain't allowed even one day in seven.
Jigger the men! Sam spouts and shouts about the 'Onest Worker.
That always means a Man, of course—he's a smart Man, the shirker!
But when a Man lives upon his wife, and skulks around his diggings,
Who is the "'Onest Worker" then?—Yours truly,
'Arriet 'Iggings.
FROM GRAVE TO GAY; OR, THE SECRET OF SUCCESS.
Dash Blank was a genius. ”

“ For fines, it's none so easy, Poll, to keep up style and manners.
But work-girls work, and that is more than Sam and 'is sort—drat 'em!
When I see shirks platforming, Poll, I'm longing to get at 'em.
When Women's Rights include the charnce of gettin' a fair 'earing
For Women's Wrongs—wy then there'll be less bashing and less beering.
As for the Vote—well, I dunno. It seems pertikler curious
That politics makes a man a hass, they drives the fellers furious.
If Votes sets women by the ears, as they does men, my winky! ”

“ And the second principle?
Puppet Number One. Art is short, and the life (of the average Academician) is long.
Puppet Number Two. Ah, well. I suppose I shall have to ask you sooner or later to define Art.
Puppet Number One. Certainly. Art is that which invariably goes one better than Nature.
Puppet Number Two (with a sigh) . And what is Nature?
Puppet Number One. Nature is that which is not so natural as it is painted. ”

“ Punch,—I see that, with a view to economy, the Victorian Legislature have cut down the salary of their future Governors to a reasonable sum. Every one will applaud an act inspired by so worthy a motive. ”

“ Flashboy stole all the spades, and entrenched himself in an earthwork, which the other side stormed. Smith Junior bleeding but triumphant. Says "gardening is much better far than Bradley's Exercises." Cucumbers (bought as missiles) and potatoes lying all about. Several have got through school-room windows! Letters arrive from parents. Thought they would like the new agricultural departure as teaching their boys something really useful. But they don't. Quite indignant. Say their sons are "not intended for market-gardeners." Smith Junior's parent says his boy is "meant for the Church." ”

“ Next Day.—All the boys are now provided with separate plots, spades, rakes, and hoes. Youth, in fact, is at the Plough, and Myself at the Helm, so we ought to get on all right. I purchase for them some young cabbage-plants and cucumber-seeds, which will go down as "extras" in the bills at the end of Term. ”

“ Your 'Arriet's lay is—better pay! That's not wot they're promoting,
Them spouting Labour Candidates. Of women's work they're jealous;
They light the fire to warm hus? Bah! they're only good at bellows! ”

“ Boys very active first day. Smith Junior breaks his spade, and gets fifty lines. Jones astonishes me by talking about "Three Acres and a Cow." Find that his father is a strong Radical. Must be careful what I say to Jones. The general opinion seems to be that Gardening is better than Bradley's Exercises "by long chalks." Encouraging.
Week Later.—In order to gain my prize for best cabbages, boys have been stimulating their growth with a guano made of chopped bones, slate-pencil dust, and ink! Surprisingly fine specimens in young Dodger's allotment. Too good to be true. ”