Various

“ Scene—The corner of Northumberland Avenue, opposite the National Liberal Club, where a screen is erected, on which the latest results of the second day's pollings, together with photographs of prominent Liberal politicians, and scathing caricatures of Unionist leaders, are being exhibited by a magic lantern for the benefit of a large and good-humoured crowd. The sympathies of the majority are, as might perhaps be expected, with the winning side, but the minority is very fairly represented, while in "booing" and "brayvo"-ing they are incontestably the stronger party. ”

“ Policies and programmes are as dust in the balance. As you listen to a speaker and watch his hearers, you may see a smile of perfect confidence and satisfaction spreading over the faces of the latter while the former winds himself up to the well-known, fondly-loved, and long-expected tag, which is the inevitable conclusion of the fiery oratorical period. "That," they say to themselves, "is the man for us. ”

“ THE CARETAKER.
Is it time to leave town? Yes, it is time to leave town, because the good neighbours have put up their shutters (i.e., the shutters of the good neighbours) . Do all the good neighbours put up their shutters? ”

“ THE LABOUR GALLIO.
Bah! Politics are a bad joke.
To get up steam about 'em's silly.
The Tory pabulum is stale "toke,"
The Liberal beverage sloppy "skilly."
My business, whilst they storm and splutter,
Is to earn beer and bread-and-butter.
Thursday, July 18. For Two Knights Only!—Sir Henry Irving and Sir John Falstaff. Hitherto Windsor Shakspearianly associated with Merry Wives and washtubbing (with "brown Windsor") of Fat Knight. Henceforth memorable for Royal reception and dubbing (also with the best Windsor) of Thin Knight. ”

“ I am so devoted to music, you know, that I go whenever I can. And, talking of music, have you heard that new pianist, Herr—what is his name?—oh yes, Herr Widowski? He's too delicious for words!
Mr. L. No; I can't say that I go to concerts much. You should talk to my daughter Ethel—she's devoted to music, and they tell me that she's got a really fine voice. I'm sure she practises enough.
Mrs. C. Indeed? Well, I've no voice, I'm sorry to say; but I play the piano a little—only a very little, you know.
Mr. L. Wonderful what a lot of people do play in these days— (hastily) —not like you, of course ”

“ You have all the great talent and all the great landed interest in the country represented in the present Government; and if the present Government can do nothing for agriculture, there is nothing to be done for agriculture. ”

“ To the philosophical mind of a Roundabout Reader the General Election ought to offer many points of interest, not because he is a politician, but because, in the interest of his reading, he has to occupy a position of detachment, and therefore perhaps sees more of the humours and absurdities which crowd the animated scene. ”

“ A man bearing the honoured name of Allsopp should be appropriately equal to the XX's.
A Question to Outsiders.—"Won't you come round?" was the invitation (as reported in the Daily Graphic) given by Sir Henry Irving (after his speech on Friday afternoon) to his "friends in front." But it is a question addressed to many outside the theatre and the theatrical profession; to all sorts and conditions of men and women who still regard the stage askance, and who look upon the ultimate fate of theatre-goers and actors as a melancholy certainty. ”

“ Muntz, the member for Tamworth, must hold a distinguished place. Here is a report of some of the remarks made by him at meetings in the Nuneaton Division:—
Mr. Muntz, in the course of his remarks, characterised Lord Salisbury's Government as the most able Administration that had ever held office in any Parliament the world over. It was composed of all the great intellect which, prior to the introduction of the Home Rule Bill, was divided between the two great parties of the State. ”

“ Labour wants steddy work and good wyges, and likes to see England look big;
And then, with its baccy and beer, it's all one to it, Tory or Whig.
Wot's it care for Welsh Churches, or Scotch 'uns, as don't 'ardly enter its own?
And as to 'Ome Rule—for yer worker there's dashed little meat on that bone.
Talk of Betterment, Progress, Peer-smashing, and such-like, may do for the Clubs;
But all Labour gits is 'igh rates, shocking trade, and a raid on its pubs.
Workman sez it's too good enough, Charlie; believes as it's better by far
To vote for Old Sol, a big Navy, an' maybe a olly good war. ”

“ Guest. "Waiter! I say—this is Pork! I want Mutton!"
Waiter (rather bustled) . "Yes, Sorr, it's Mutton ye want,—but it's Pork ye'll have!"
Of Course.—Directly it was known that Sir William Harcourt had accepted an invitation to contest West Monmouthshire, and that Mr. Warmington had generously offered to retire in his favour, there was a rush for the evident joke of styling the self-effacing Q.C. "Mr. Warmingpan." It is uncertain which paper was the first to get the Warmingpan into its sheets. Sir William did not find the vacated seat too hot to hold him. Just nice. ”

“ But after all, even if Mr. Ike Ward had chosen to employ his leisure in performing on the bones in a nigger troupe on the sands at Scarborough or elsewhere he would have done nothing to be ashamed of. Obviously, however, Captain Grice-Hutchinson's account was anything but authentic, and he had no business to cork Mr. Ward's face in so gratuitous a manner.
'Tis a manifest error, this tale about bones—
(You may like what I say, or, if not, you may lump it) .
For a worker in brass must produce the best tones
If—I don't say he did it—he blew his own trumpet. ”

“ Lots of the poor chaps who has been acustomed to go about different parts of London a braggin about the werry great figgers they cuts, or was used to cut, afore the new changes as took place in making amost everybody members of Parlement, is now obleeged to do their werry best to keep things a going cumfertably, if possibel ”

“ If politics are like strong drink, nobody at any rate can call them a form of "refreshment"! But defeated candidates will quite agree that the game of "bleu et jaune" is a good deal worse than "rouge et noir."
A Day Shift.—From the North British Daily Mail comes news of a daring electoral outrage. The Liberal candidate wanted to address the colliers in one of the Lanarkshire towns ”

“ A Conservative Brewer gets in for Worcester. No change.) Good ole Bung'ole! It's the beer as does it!
First Mechanic (after a Radical majority at Devonport has been announced) . Well, I can't understand a dockyard town voting for a Radical; they get twice the amount o' work under a Tory government, that's a matter of common knowledge.
Second Mechanic. What's the good o' that when others have got none at all? I'm all for ekalizing the work—let 'em have 'alf the work and give others a chance. ”

“ Yes; people complain in the papers and grumble about street-bands and piano-organs; but at least one can send them away—which, unfortunately, one can't do in the case of next-door neighbours! However, I suppose I ought to be grateful that the people on the other side don't play at all. ”

“ So that the poor County Counsellors has hardly got a single member of Parlement left among the whole blooming lot, and is obliged to have long rambling speeches among theirselves jest to fill up their idle time. How they can manage to keep things agoing jest while they makes their old long speeches, I carnt for the life of me make out; but I am told that they all agrees that its the only means they has of keeping up their old Charter; and altho it isnt werry much to brag about, they all agrees its sumthink better than nothink. ”

“ Not in the "Newcastle Programme."—Last week Sir Charles Freemantle, K.C.B., was presented with his portrait painted by Hon. John Collier, in Hon. John's best style; and so, for this work, Collier cannot be "hauled over the coals." À propos, evidently the artist to paint the present Ministry should be a Collier, as it is a Coalition Cabinet. If the Collier were a Radical, how coal-black the portraits would come out! ”

“ Why, the Radical was on'y four'underd or so be'ind, and it stands to reason, as if arf the Labour votes 'ad bin given to 'im, he'd 'a won easy!
The Independent (hastily) . Yes, yes; jesso, jesso; but that wasn't my point. And Keir 'Ardie sez there'll be three 'underd Labour Kendidates next elections. Ah, and they'll find 'em, too!
A Unionist. I 'ope they may. More on 'em the merrier—for our side!
The Independent. Any'ow, Keir 'Ardie's safe for West 'Am. Majority o' twelve 'underd and thirty-two last time. Take a lot o' pulling down, that will! (Polling at West Ham (South) announced. ”

“ Radical Spectators (after results of polling at Deptford, Halifax, Hartlepool, Bristol (North) , (&c.) . Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Well, I'm sure! Macnamara, the man 'oo polled the 'ighest votes in the School Board Election—and look at him now! If Sidney Webb 'ud ha' contested that, 'e'd a' won it!... There's another seat we've lost. Well, I was 'appier standing 'ere this time three years ago, blow'd if I wasn't!... Oh lor, my brother-in-law 'll go wild over this. My ole uncle 'll go arf orf his 'ed. (&c., &c.)
An Irrelevant Person. ”

“ Unionist gain." .... "Rochdale. Unionist gain!".... "Bristol (South) , increased Conservative majority. No change."
The Sanguine Radical. Tell ye what 'tis, they're putting in all the Conservative wins first. And them bigoted beggars at Bristol, they dunno what they're votin' for, they don't. We shall pull up afore long. There, what did I tell you? Look a' that. "Durham. Liberal majority, 1—Objection raised." Hooray! we're beginning ter buck up now, ye see! (Radical groups cheer in a spirit of thankfulness for small mercies.) "Pontefract. Liberal majority, 57. ”

“ Mr. Chamberlain must, indeed, be a proud man at having obtained so much valuable information in answer to a question which, as reported, sounds familiar almost to the verge of rashness.
Can pigs be kept at a profit? This was the question which confronted the Devonport Guardians only the other day. The following extract from their proceedings will be read with breathless interest:—
Mr. ”