Various

“ Why two Opera Houses cannot succeed in London may be a problem, but hitherto it is one which dissolution of the weaker was the only solution. The strong company went to Covent Garden, and the weak went—to the wall. ”

“ And I am pleased to find that certain places are myths, the more especially as these places were said to be "disgraces to civilization." There is no East End. There are no prisons. Poverty is a word that has become obsolete. Everyone is satisfied. A strike never happens because all Englishmen are contented. ”

“ Now the new House of Commons is complete, and Members are preparing to meet for their first Session, the question of who is to be Speaker comes to the front. Mr. Punch is pleased to observe the growing conviction in both political camps that there really is no question on the subject. Had Mr. Gully performed the duties of Speaker with merely average capacity, the House of Commons, mindful of its highest traditions, would have been slow to celebrate a party victory at the polls by dispossessing him in favour of a nominee of the new majority. ”

“ True art requires light and shade, and here is none. Appearing week by week the pungent admixtures were passable, were even titillating. But the monotony of vituperation, however cleverly compounded, grows a little wearisome, even in a volume that does not much exceed a hundred pages. My Baronite likes best "The Lament of the Macgregor," not because its literary style is more masterly than that of its companion verse, but because its fun is less acrid. ”

“ Never on these occasions has he failed. Such rare aptitude displayed at the outset of a career promises the fullness of perfection when, strengthened and sustained by the unanimous vote of a new Parliament, the Speaker resumes his work. ”

“ So it is with votes of thanks and laudatory speeches of all kinds. If you have to move a vote of thanks to A., a politician whom you do not specially admire, the odds are about ten to one that you will describe him as a great statesman, a profound thinker, an eloquent orator, and the man of the future. ”

“ Then was seen that weight of fellow-passengers (three obese stump-orators sent down by Caucus) overtaxed strength of small body of supporters, men remarkable for intellectual perspicuity rather than brute force. Notwithstanding laudable efforts, carriage receded, slowly at first, then, gaining impetus, rushed with incredible speed full into plate-glass window of Mayor's grocery-store. Self and all three orators bled profusely. Should add that Mayor was exceedingly popular politician of heterodox views. ”

“ There are two fleets—a Red Fleet and a Blue Fleet. The Red Fleet has a number of ships—so has the Blue. Then the Red Fleet tries to out-manœuvre the Blue Fleet, and the Blue Fleet returns the compliment. All this takes place on the sea. No ship is allowed to run on shore—unless of course by force of circumstances outside the control of the commander. ”

“ It is probable that re-incarnation may sometimes go the other way. Will investigate at the Zoological Gardens. Directly I see the largest elephant I recognise my late mother-in-law. The large, heavy form, the habit of trampling obstacles under foot—obstacles such as myself—the very cap-strings, now become ears flapping in the wind, all are there. She always poked her nose into everything, and she does it now. What a proboscis she has! Must tell the keeper the real truth to prevent mishaps. ”

“ Or again, a Conservative is confronted with the question of old-age pensions. Precisely the same process takes place, and under the necessity of convincing himself, while endeavouring to convince and to please his audience, he will vow never to cease his efforts in support of Mr. Chamberlain until a general system of State pensions for the aged is established throughout the United Kingdom. ”

“ And there seemed to be much doing in the Houses of Parliament. But what struck me most of all was the great prosperity I noticed everywhere. There is no poverty in England. All is rich. Everyone is great. There are none who are not powerful ”

“ The Beneficent Bauermeister, of talent unlimited, has shown that "woman," like man, "in her time can play many parts." Mlle. Bauermeister has played them; and all equally well.
So farewell Operatics till next year, when Druriolanus need fear no storms, if still provided with his lightning Conductors Bevignani, Mancinelli & Co. Nor need the Liberal-Conservative Druriolanus Operaticus think of having to reckon with any formidable rivalry, should the utterly improbable happen and a new Opposition Opera be started. ”

“ Friday.—My great work on Re-Incarnation begun to-day. It will astonish the world, for it is all true. By why have my friends asked those two doctors to call? There is nothing the matter with me. The two fools say I ought to give up all writing and keep quite quiet in the country. Explain that it is impossible. They insist with gentle firmness. ”

“ What I want to know is why any reasonable human being should care, or be supposed to care, about these ridiculous scraps of information collected from a rubbish-heap of useless knowledge. Here is another that I cannot leave out: Haydn dedicated one of his most important instrumental compositions to his mother. Amazing.
In the parish of Swaffham Bulbeck (Phœbus, what a name!) there are apparently two bridges. At the adjourned quarterly meeting of the Parish Council the other day, Mr. C. P. Fyson in the chair, "it was reported that Bridge No. 1 required to be re-built.... ”

“ The Cambridge men are perhaps the favourites at present, but, though they have undoubtedly done some fast times, their furrows are apt to be very erratic. Still, under Farmer Hodge's able coaching, they may be expected to improve greatly in the next few days. ”

“ He seems fond of carnations. Re-Incarnation and Gre-Encarnation. Should have been in the exhibition of the National Carnation Society at the Crystal Palace. His story tells how a man murdered a white cat, and afterwards married its soul, re-incarnated in the body of a young woman with "china-blue" eyes and a large fortune. Marvellous! Must carefully avoid marrying young women with "china-blue" eyes and large fortunes, though the latter might not be so harmful.
Tuesday.—That theory of re-incarnation impresses me wonderfully. ”

“ As it was, fatal gift for attracting feminine attention alienated younger male electors. Other candidate solid family man without physical charm. Has been said that beauty is a curse. In own case must unhesitatingly admit soft impeachment. ”

“ No good going to a dry, sunny climate. Try Cornwall.
Saturday.—Damp, close day. Couldn't stand much of this. Too enervating. Shall go to the Alps—anywhere up high in the mountain air.
Sunday.—Chilly for the time of year. Probably snowing on the Alps. Very dismal, cowering over a stove in a Swiss inn. What a difficulty this holiday is! Good idea! Will postpone it till the settled weather in the winter.
New adaptation of Ancient Chaff to the Defeated Candidates.—"Does your mother know you're 'Out'?" [N.B.—What view "mother" will take of it depends on "mother's" politics.] ”

“ Some of the papers have been making merry over the attempts to start butter-making clubs among the poorer classes. It is true that butter-making has been considered hitherto almost exclusively a rich man's recreation ”

“ From this response you will see that there is a strong inclination on the part of the authorities that are to remain reticent. However, it is only fair to say that the food is excellent. Nothing could be better than the wine ”

“ B. explains:—Attribute my defeat (by exactly 4529 votes) to over-confidence on part of my supporters. Seems that recollection of ample margin of two (one voting-paper disputed) by which I was returned to late Parliament produced reckless and culpable apathy.
C. explains:—Mistake to suppose that Local or any other Veto had appreciable bearing on result of election. Fact is that opposition chartered every available traction-engine to bring up rural electorate. All other traffic practically suspended. Terrorised owners refused to risk their stables in unequal struggle. ”

“ M-rl-y, on being consulted, is "inclined to fancy that the Cork snake is a herald of Coercion, and shows that the venom of Dublin Castle will soon be at work." Mr. G. B-lf-r, on the other hand, says that "the return of general confidence at the advent of a Unionist Government, and a really capable Irish Secretary, has never been better exemplified. Even the reptiles are not afraid now to try Ireland as a place of residence!" And Mr. J-st-n M'C-rthy has no doubt at all that "the incident is another sign of the growing Irish spirit of disunion. ”