Various

“ Here Jacky protested that he was quite old and conscientious enough to be trusted with the cash himself.
"Not that I have any doubt of my respected comrade's probity," he quickly added; "but in matters of business one cannot be too careful."
"My dear pupils," said I, "nothing would give me greater pleasure than to accede to your request, had I the means at hand. I fancy, in spite of the opinion of Dr. Coffyn Blockhead—a physician whose name I now hear for the first time—that I should have to consider the cost of Japanese caramel cannon-balls as an incident properly chargeable to pocket-money. ”

“ It is all very well to love, but a vastly different matter to marry such women as these. Good sound reason and common-sense are better articles to possess. We cannot have too much of that—indeed, we often get a great deal more than is good for us, so that in my humble opinion friendship, common-sense, logic, and grammar are worth more than all the love any man or woman can give; and it is all very well to sneer at pessimists, but in my humble opinion they have only themselves to blame for it, and through all ages it will ever be the same until there is some alteration. ”

“ Finally I came to the conclusion that it was not intended so much to be a statement of actual fact as an enticement to English people, who would of course take all their washing to a lady commanding so gay and accurate a knowledge of an English catch-phrase.
My third example of English as she is spoke is from a notice issued by an out-of-the-way hotel in Italy, which had changed its management:—
The nobles and noblesses traveller are beg to tell that the direction of this splendid hotel have bettered himself. ”

“ Advice to passengers by steamboat proposing to land at Lundy Island—Don't. Lundy is a most interesting island, though it doesn't look it. Further Advice.—Stay on board and read all about Lundy Island in your Murray's guide, and, probably, you will then have acquired far more knowledge of the place than is ever obtained by the majority who are permitted and even encouraged to crowd the rowing boats plying between the steamer and the shore. ”

“ But good housewives are few and far between. There are many girls of the period who are deficient in one or even more of the accomplishments above-mentioned, so how can she be fitted for the wife of a middle-class man? ”

“ This is the first time I have heard of a similarity to Babel being mentioned as an attraction. But no doubt an opulent clientèle has peculiar tastes of its own, especially when its dazzling costumes sparkle with thousand gems. ”

“ Now suppose a party of amateur and comic musicians, a party of amateur choristers, and a Salvationist chorus all on board at the same time, and suppose that all these different parties had commenced simultaneously, each party giving its special form of entertainment, would life be worth living on board that steamer? ”

“ There is something very sporting and attractive about all this. One man wins the match, the other can console himself by the reflection that he had two minutes the better of it on time. There seems to have been no grumbling, and (although the fact is not stated) I have no doubt the parties met at an enthusiastic dinner in the evening and toasted the good old English sport of horse-shoeing. The authorities at Oxford and Cambridge might do worse than institute a horse-shoeing competition between teams of undergraduates, who would of course strike blue nails into blue shoes with blue hammers. ”

“ I have seen a whole flock of rooks cawing querulously—"quirring" would be a better descriptive participle—on and about the lower part of the precipitous, rocky Torrs; but never have I seen them perching on the highest point of the Torrs, which is as inaccessible to these birds at twopence as would be the aforesaid lower portion to the unwinged pedestrian even at a halfpenny; unless pedestrian should arrive at rookery by accidentally tumbling over from above, in which case it is much to be feared he would probably be "left till called for." ”

“ The reason for this lowness of price is no doubt to be traced to the fact that many of the residences are in the habitation of the superfluous live stock of a very prosperous pork merchant, having his house of business in the neighbourhood. However, in spite of our distance from Drainville-on-Sea, my lads have been fairly contented with their lot. ”

“ Is it impossible to build out a pier at Lundy Island? If impossible, cannot some regulation as to the number every boat is to carry be enforced? [A]
* * *
The perfumes of Ilfracombe (I think I saw the "Perfume d'Ilfracombe" advertised as sold in bottles at a local hairdresser's) are various at various times. Always on the Torrs is the perfume perfect. But in the lower part of the town they are select and peculiar; as thus:—Early morning, coming from bathing, and passing by hotels and boarding-houses, appetising perfume of eggs and bacon everywhere, with that of fried fish thrown in. ”

“ Georgie continually appeared in gigantic collars that could have only been acquired at considerable expense, and Jacky as often carried a new walking-stick with a fairly costly handle. On one occasion they came home with a gift for me. It was a mug with a rough sketch of a mule or some less noble animal on the side balancing the handle, and was labelled "A Present from Drainville-on-Sea." ”

“ The man of to-day, if he be wise, thinks not of the face and form of the woman he may care to marry, but asks himself the question, "Will she make me a good wife? Can she clean chimneys, cook and mend ”

“ On Torrs Walks, Ilfracombe.—"Here they come by twos and twos, In twos on Torrs they swarm." Quotation adapted. "Two" form a Company Limited on Torrs Walks. The third person present is "out of it." They tell me these couples are all honeymooners. Perhaps; but if they are not, they ought to be. That's all.
* * *
Maybe these duologues are only private rehearsals. Practice makes perfect. ”

“ Commercial prosperity continues to attend the cheery coster as he hawks his wares about the Liverpudlian streets, and the situation is getting hawkward for the local tradesman, who declares that the itinerant vendor's opposition draws away customers from his shop. ”

“ Unfortunately you both exhausted that fund a fortnight since, by causing me to defray the expenses of a donkey ride, which mounted up in the aggregate to no less an amount than one shilling and eightpence halfpenny."
"But surely, revered Sir," suggested Georgie, who has a bent for mathematics; "as our parents allow us half-a-sovereign a week each for the purposes of recreation, the sum you mention, although not inconsiderable, would scarcely have——"
"Stop!" ”

“ The "alliterative" epidemic, in connection with the names of marine resorts, is spreading to an alarming extent. A Welsh newspaper heads a quotation from the Western Daily Press by the taking title of "Improving Ilfracombe." ”

“ A match for £5 was soon made, "each man to shoe the foot of a draught-horse in the quickest and best style." Here there must be some mistake, since if each man did the job in the quickest and best style, the result obviously must be a dead heat. However "the match commenced on Saturday morning at the shop of Lathan. After Lathan finished his work, which occupied forty-three minutes, the horse was driven to the shop of Delafield, who occupied forty-one minutes in the operation. Large crowds were on the spot to witness the match. ”

“ After all, to be a member of the Civil Service is something, even in these degenerate days. The sketch of official life in Soho will not enhance the dignity of the—shall we call it?—profession. But concede that the local colouring is appropriate, and The Chili Widow is simply first-rate. ”

“ And the strangers will also find high comforting luxuries, hot cold water coffee bath and all things of perfect establishment and at prices fixed. Table d'hôte best of Italy France everywere. Onclean linens is quick wash and every journals is buy for readers. Beds hard or soaft at the taste of traveller. Soaps everywere plenty. Very cheaper than other hotel. No mosquits no parrot no rat. ”

“ Can she grind the organ, play the comb, is she active at crossing-sweeping and cradle-rocking, quick at smiling away one's smiles and frowning away one's tears, ready to greet all my friends with the same amiability she shows to me, is she prepared for intelligent begging-letter-writing, can she scour, skirt-dance, recite, carve, mangle, and fence?" Too often he is bound to answer, "No, she cannot ”

“ Thus the pier would never be inconveniently, or dangerously, crowded by an outgoing and an incoming crowd at the same moment.
4th. Bigger steamers.
5th. Greatly improved catering, on board, absolutely necessary. More hands to wait at table.
6th. Other improvements essential, but not necessary to mention here in detail.
* * *
On board an excursion steamer I would retain the musicians, especially the cornet; so many persons "come out for a blow" that the absence of this member of the orchestra would be seriously felt. ”