“ Long way from London—no matter—fast train—soon here—once here don't wish to leave—palatial hotels—every luxury—good tables d'hôte—pleasant balls—lively society! Exhilarating air—good as champagne without "morning after"—up early—go to bed late—authorities provide something better than a broken-down pier, a circulating library, and a rickety bathing-machine—authorities disburse large sums for benefit of visitors—visitors spend lots of money in town—mutual satisfaction—place crowded—capital bands—excellent theatricals—varied entertainments—right way to do it! ”

“ Place full—no lodgings to be had—visitors manage to efface themselves—no one about—all having early dinners—or gone to bed—or pretending to be somewhere else—a one-sided game of hide and seek—everybody hiding, nobody seeking! Seems always afternoon—dreamy gleamy sunshine—a dense quietude that you might cut in slices—no braying brass-bands—no raucous niggers—no seaside harpies—Honfleur packet only excitement—no one goes to see it start—visitors don't like to be excited! ”

“ One of the leading characteristics of the nineteenth century was the tremendous change effected in the social life of Great Britain by the development of cheap railway travel. The annual holiday at the seaside speedily became as inevitable a part of the year's progress as the milkman's morning call is of the day's routine. What at first had been a rare and memorable event in a life-time developed into a habit, to which, with our British love for conventions, all of us conform. ”

“ Shall we be praiseworthily economical, and determine not to spend a single unnecessary sixpence; or shall we, as we have come to Pierpoint, enjoy ourselves to the utmost, go in for all the amusements of the place—pier, public gardens, theatre, concerts, Oceanarium, bathing, boating, fishing, driving, riding, and rinking—make excursions, be ostentatiously liberal to the Town Band, and buy everything that is offered to us on the Beach? ”

“ Landladies are at the end what they were at the beginning; the same old type of bathing-machine is still in use; our forefathers and their womenfolk in the days when Mr. Punch was young behaved themselves by "the silver sea" just as their children's children do to-day. Nothing has changed, except that the most select of seaside places is no longer so select as it was in the pre-railway days, and that the wealthier classes, preferring the attractions of Continental resorts, are less in evidence at our own watering-places. ”

“ What has become of Tiny? Tiny! Tiny! I know he did not go with the children. I dare say he has eaten something horrid, and is dying under a chair. Dear! dear! who would be mother of a family with such a careless, thoughtless, quite too utterly selfish husband as you are. Of course you never remembered to-day was my birthday. I ought never to have been born. A bracelet or a pair of ear-rings—or, by the way, I saw a lovely châtelaine on the Parade. You might find enough to give me one pleasure since our wedding.
Robinson (Paterfamilias) . I like the seaside, I do. ”

“ How often, in a most interesting part of a novel, or in the midst of a love passage of real life, [Pg 22] in which the nurse is herself the heroine, how often, alas! is she not liable to be disturbed by the howl of a brat, with a cow's horn in his eye, a dog's teeth in his heels, or in some other awkward dilemma, which could not have arisen had the domestic Child-coop been an article of common use in the Metropolitan parks, or on the sands at the seaside? ”

“ Because "everybody" is there, and it is consequently so pleasant to see St. John's Wood, Bayswater, and even Belgravia, so well represented on the Esplanade.
Because the shops in the King's Road are nearly as good as those to be found in Regent Street.
Because the sea does not always look like the Thames at Greenwich in a fog.
Because some of the perambulating bands play very nearly in tune.
Because the Drive from the Aquarium to the New Pier is quite a mile in length, and only grows monotonous after the tenth turn.
Because watching fish confined in tanks is such rollicking fun. ”

“ Science has given us the baby-jumper, by which we are enabled to carry out the common exclamation of "Hang those noisy children" without an act of infanticide, by suspending our youngsters in the air; and perhaps allowing them to have their full swing, without getting into mischief; but the apparatus for the nursery will not be complete until we have something in the shape of coops for our pretty little chickens, when they are "out with nurse", and she happens to have something better—or worse—to do than to look after them. ”

“ Thus, if he said that a particularly stupid-looking little boy would make a good architect, schoolmaster, or traveller for fancy goods, a gentleman in an alpaca-coat and a wide-awake hat would bow gratified acquiescence, a demonstration that would also be evoked from a lady in a dust cloak, when the lecturer insisted that a giggling little girl would make a "first-rate dressmaker and cutter-out." ”

“ Punch will bear witness, and while at times they may seem to support the case of our critics, at others the evidence is eloquent against them. This at least is certain, that whatever the temperament of the British as displayed during the holiday season at our popular resorts, the point of view of our national jester, Mr. Punch, is unfailingly humorous, and such sadness as some of our countrymen may bring to their pleasures is but food for the mirth of merry Mr. Punch, who, we [Pg 6] are persuaded, stands for the sum total of John Bull's good humour in his outlook on the life of his countrymen. ”

“ The head-waiter, after the lapse of an hour, informed me that the sole would not be long. When it arrived, I found that he spoke the truth. If you have any recollection of the repast which Porthos endured when entertained by Madame Coquenard, you will have some notion of my feast. The head-waiter told me that some bare-legged persons who had waded into the water were shrimp-catchers. ”

“ Brown says the place makes him as sollem as a Common Cryer, and he hasn't had a good hearty larf since he came here, but then Brown isn't quite sattisfied with his Lodgings, and has acshally recommended his Land Lady to turn her house into the Norfolk Howard Hotel, Unlimited, so perhaps she may account for his want of spirits. Northgate's rather a rum place as regards the tide. Wen it's eye it comes all over the place and makes such a jolly mess, and wen it's low it runs right out to sea and you can't see it. ”

“ The intensely military young man whose occupation during eleven months in the year is the keeping of ledgers in a small city office.
The artist who guarantees a pleasing group of lovers for sixpence, frame included.
The band that consists of a cornet, a trombone, a clarionet, some bass, and a big drum, which is quite as effective (thanks to the trombone) when all the principals have deserted in search of coppers. [Pg 175]
And last (and commonest of all) the cockney who, after a week's experience of the discomforts of the seaside, is weary of them, and wants to go home. ”

“ Overcome by feelings—can't write any more—friend asks me to drink waters—query North Chalybeate or South Salt Well—wonder which—if in doubt try soda qualified with brandy—good people scarce—better run no risk!
Costume in Keeping.—"Of all sweet things", said Bertha, "for the seaside, give me a serge." The Ancient Mariner shook his head. He didn't see the joke.
Board and Lodging!—Landlady. "Yes, sir, the board were certingly to be a guinea a week, but I didn't know as you was a-going to bathe in the sea before breakfast and take bottles of tonic during the day!" ”

“ Northgate's a nice quiet place, Northgate is, tho' it quite fails in most things that constitoots reel injoyment at the seaside, such as Bands and Niggers and Minstrels and all that.
It's a grand place for weather, for it generally blows hard at Northgate, and wen it doesn't blow hard it rains hard, which makes a nice change, and a change is wot we all goes to the seaside for. ”

“ My wife coolly recommended me to read the second volume of a new novel she had got from the Library, called, I think, East Glynne, or some such name, but how can a man read in a room with four stout healthy boys and a baby, especially when the said baby is evidently very uncomfortable, and the four boys are playing at leap-frog? Women have this wonderful faculty, my wife to a remarkable extent. ”

“ It seems quite a pet place for Artists, I mean Sculpchers, at least I s'pose they must be Sculpchers, and that they brings their Moddels with 'em, for the Bathing Machines is stuck close to the Peer, so dreckly after breakfast the Moddels goes and bathes in the Sea, and the Sculpchers goes on the Peer, and there's nothink to divert their attention from their interesting studdys, and many on 'em passes ours there quietly meditating among the Bathing Machines. ”

“ I fancy it must be of the asparagus order, that vegetable, as you are well aware, taking three years in which to develop itself to perfection. Highburybarn-on-Sea is, I regret to say, in the first stage—judged from an asparagus point of view. I cannot entertain the enthusiastic description of the candid correspondent (I refer to the cutting forwarded by you from an eminent daily paper under the heading, "By the Golden Ocean.") He describes it as "an oasis on the desert coast of Great Britain." [Pg 48] Far be it from me to deny the desert—all I object to is the oasis. ”

“ Wonder if I should like to be a shrimp?
Same day, after an early dinner, lying on the beach.
Wonder why I can never get any fish?
Wonder why my landlady introduces cinders into the gravy?
EXMOUTH
Wonder more than ever who there is at my lodgings so partial to my dry sherry?
Wonder if that's the coast of France in the distance?
Feel inclined for a quiet conversation with my fellow-man.
A boatman approaches. I wonder (to the boatman) if it will be a fine day tomorrow? He wonders too? We both wonder together?
Wonder (again to the boatman) if the rail will make much difference to the place? ”

“ Wisterwhistle, as makes me patronise it, as its general genteel appearance. For there's many a chair at Brighton that can't hold a candle to it!'" But at this point he was interrupted by the appearance of a dense crowd that half filled the street, and drew up in silent expectation opposite my front door. Dear me, I had quite forgotten I had sent for him. But the boy who cleans the boots and knives has returned, and brought with him the One Policeman!
Query at some Fashionable Seaside Resort.—Do the unpleasant odours noticeable at certain times arise from the fact of the tide being high? ”

“ Scene: Margate Beach on Easter Monday.—First Lady. "Oh, here comes a steamer. How high she is out of the water."
Second Lady. "Yes, dear, but don't you see? It's because the tide's so low."
AWKWARD
The aristocratic Jones (rather ashamed of his loud acquaintance, Brown) . "You must excuse me, but if there's one thing in the world I particularly object to, it's to having anybody take my arm!"
Brown. "All right, old fellow!—you take mine!"
THE SEASIDE VISITOR'S VADE MECUM.
Question. Is it your intention to leave London at once to benefit by the ocean breezes on the English coast? ”

“ I herd a young Swell say that wot with them and what with the Bathing Moddels it was as good as a Burlesk!
We've got werry cumferrabel Lodgings, we have, just opposite the Gas Works and near a Brick Field. When the wind is South or West we smells the bricks and when its East we smells the Gas, but when its doo North we don't smell nuffen excep just a trifle from the Dranes, and so long as we keeps quite at the end of the werry long [Pg 168] Peer we don't smell nuffen at all excep the sea weed. ”

“ Brown says, in his sarcastic way, it's the poor Sculpchers as comes here, who can't afford to pay for their Moddels, so they comes here and gets 'em free gratis for nothink.
There's sum werry nice walks in the nayberhood but I never walks 'em, for it seems to me that the grate joke of every Buysicler and Trysicler, and the place swarms with 'em, is to cum quietly behind you and see how close he can go by you without nocking you down. ”

“ Brilliant Suggestion (Overheard at the Seaside) .—She. "So much nicer now that all the visitors have gone. Don't you think so?"
He. "Yes, by Jove! So jolly nice and quiet! Often wonder that everybody doesn't come now when there's nobody here, don't you know!"
A NUISANCE.
Miss Priscilla. "Yes; it's a beautiful view. But tourists are in the habit of bathing on the opposite shore, and that's rather a drawback."
Fair Visitor. "Dear me! ”

“ A FASHIONABLE WATERING PLACE
Mrs. Dorset (of "Dorset's Sugar and Butter Stores",
Mile End Road) . "Why on earth can't we go to a more
dressy place than this, 'Enery?
I'm sick of this dreary 'ole, year after year.
It's nothing but sand and water, sand and water!"
Mr. Dorset. "If it wasn't for sand and water,
you wouldn't get no 'olerday."
Seaside Mem.—The Society recently started to abolish Tied-houses will not include Bathing Machines within the scope of its operations. ”

“ Gent'll have a donkey!"
[Pg 77]
SEASIDE SPLITTERS
[Pg 78]
LIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT, BUT FOR ITS "PLEASURES."—Sir Cornewall Lewis
In consequence of the English watering-places being crowded, people are glad to find sleeping accommodation in the bathing-machines.
Boots (from Jones's Hotel) . "I've brought your shaving water, sir; and you'll please to take care of your boots on the steps, gents: the tide's just a comin' in!"
[Pg 79]
RETURNING HOME FROM THE SEASIDE
All the family have colds, except the under-nurse, who has a face-ache. ”