Various

“ And Bob, smoking his pipe, and sprawling before the fire, agreed with her!
The Riviera in Bond Street.
Why take a long journey and spend a lot of money, when the Riviera is within a shilling cab-fare? Why not apply at 148, New Bond Street, and obtain one of the Fine Art Society's "excursion coupons," and get yourself personally conducted by Mr. John Fulleylove to Nice, Monte Carlo, Genoa, and all sorts of delightful places? Take Mr. Punch's advice, and go there at once! And, when you have exhausted the Riviera, you have another treat in a series of well-nigh seventy drawings of Cambridge. ”

“ Peter betrays growing uneasiness.
The Bridesmaids. Indeed, we fail to see it anywhere!
Emily (entering distractedly in bridal costume, with a large rent in her train) . You have no eyes, I tell you, let me help. It must be found, or I am all undone! In vain my cushion I have cut in two—'twas void of all but stuffing.... Gracious Heavens, to think that all my future bliss depends on the evasive malice of a pin! ”

“ Gentlemen who bet on every event in life—who cut cards to decide whether they shall go into the City by cab or by underground train, and toss up to see whether they had better dine at home or at the Club, may be interested to know of a new game of chance which can be played at dinnertime, and in which ladies not only may but must take part. "Betting on the menu" it is called; and it is done in this way. You ask the lady next to you on the right—the one you have taken in to dinner—permission to speculate as to what dishes she will choose from among those inscribed on the menu ”

“ Suppose the lady takes you? You make a pencil-mark against each dish which, it seems to you, she will fancy; and if you are right more often than you are wrong, you win—and the lady does not pay you. In the contrary case you lose—and you pay the lady. It need scarcely be said that you annotate your own copy of the menu, and that the lady does not see it until the dinner is at an end. The same principle is observed in betting with a gentleman in reference to a lady's probable selection ”

“ First Aspiring Political Economist. It is all very well to lay down the law in that fashion, but it will not dispose of facts. You may quote Giffen, or Levin, or anyone you like, but they will not be able to do away with the circumstance, that prices are regulated by the quantity of money in circulation (with a little hesitation) ; at least, that is what I understand the other side to maintain.
Second Aspiring Political Economist. Sheer nonsense. How does the quantity of money you possess affect the price you pay for a commodity? ”

“ Any member of the unfair sex may make sure of winning from her antagonist—who will naturally have marked a certain number of dishes—by simply abstaining from food throughout the dinner; though the lady of the house might think this impolite. Menu-betting is in any case an agreeable pastime for both sexes. It promotes digestion; and any woman of moderate ability may make money by it. ”

“ They did not object to Pickwick, as ladies very often do, that there is so much eating and drinking in it. "No," says the Baron, in bed, "Give me my Pickwick, and, after him, for a soothing and pleasant companion, give me Washington Irving. When I'm in another sort of humour, bring me Thackeray. For rollicking Irish life, give me Lever. But as to youth-about-town life of the present day, I do not know of any second-class humorist who approaches within measurable distance of the author of The Pottleton Legacy, in the past." ”

“ That seems a good title. And all about Gray's Inn! Now, I like Gray's Inn—a most excellent place; everyone connected with it great friends of mine. And writing of Gray's Inn, that reminds me—Good gracious! ”

“ Greek translation of Tennyson ready for press. Finished letter "Z" last night, in final volume of the Encyclopædia Britannica. Nothing omitted. Rather annoyed to find someone has been tying knots in my handkerchief. Hate practical jokes! Careless person, too, has been hanging my old grey wideawake on the clock in my study. Rather a liberty! Don't like liberties. Always courteous to everybody—consequently, expect everybody to be courteous to me! Still, can't help smiling. It was a quaint idea to hang my old wideawake on the clock in my study. ”

“ Rather angry to find knots in my handkerchiefs, &c., until I suddenly remembered they were to remind me of my engagement to dine at Gray's Inn. To be sure. Grand Day, Hilary Term. Falls on a Thursday. Sure to be a delightful evening. Several of my young Irish friends are members of the Society. I am looking forward to it so much. Useful things, knots. Remembered it at once! Tie them again. Also put grey wideawake hat over clock in my study. That will remind me of Gray's Inn. Falls on a Thursday! ”

“ Bob Bull was the wife of a British Workman, and she got up at four o'clock in the morning.
"Must rise early," she said, "to see that my man has his breakfast."
So she lighted the fire, and put the kettle on to boil, and laid the cloth, and swept out the rooms. Then down came Bob rather in a bad humour, because he had been late over-night at the "Cock and Bottle," detained (as he explained to his wife) by a discussion about the rights of labour.
"Of course," said Mrs. Bull; "and why shouldn't you, after a hard day's work, enjoy yourself?" ”

“ Now go to bed, send for your family solicitor, and make your will, meantime trying every half hour half a tumbler or so of any patent medicine the advertisement of which occurs to you. Call in a homœopathic doctor, and give his system a turn for four-and-twenty hours; then send for your own medical man. Take care that they do not meet on the stairs. ”

“ A Tour in a Phaëton, by J. J. Hissey, is an interesting account of a driving trip through the Eastern Counties. It abounds in hisseytorical research; we are taken to all kinds of out-of-the-way and picturesque places, of which the Author gives us graphic pictures with pencil as well as pen. A fresher title to the work might have been devised, as the present one bears a striking likeness to Mr. Black's Adventures of a Phaëton,—who, by the way, was the first to render driving tours popular. ”

“ Take anything and everything he gives you for the next eight-and-forty hours, interspersing his prescriptions with frequent tumblers of hot and steaming ammoniated quinine-and-water, getting down at the same time more beef tea, oysters, champagne, muffins, mince-pies, oranges, nuts, and whiskey than, under ordinary circumstances, you feel would be good for you. ”

“ Your idea, if the worst comes to the worst, and you cannot get the Vestry to attend to it, of blowing up your dust-bin yourself with gunpowder, you might resort to as a last expedient; but, as you seem to think it might bring down your portico, and possibly the whole front of your house as well, we should advise you not to put it into execution till quite assured that your attempts to get your dust-bin emptied by some less violent means have all hopelessly failed. Anyhow, try the copper shavings and nitric acid first. ”

“ One who is Easily Pleased.
HOW TO MEET IT.
Sir,—Having read all the letters that have appeared in the papers suggesting a treatment for the prevailing epidemic, I have got, perhaps, a little confused; but, on the whole, the following is the course, as far as I can make out, that it would be prudent to pursue on finding oneself threatened with any of the well-known symptoms. Immediately get into a warm bath several degrees hotter than you can possibly bear it, then get out again. ”

“ Henry Irving gives his compressed version of Hamlet at the Trocadero; when there is a general levelling-up of culture, and removal of prejudice—then, and not till then, will this powerful little play meet with the appreciation which is its due. The main idea is suggested by the Misses Taylor's well-known poem, The Pin, though the dramatist has gone further than the poetess in working out the notion of Nemesis.
THE FATAL PIN.—A Tragedy. Dramatis Personæ.
Emily Heedless. By either Miss Vesta Tilley or Mrs. Bernard Beere.
Peter Paragon. Mr. Forbes Robertson or Mr. ”

“ I don't believe much in artificial memory, but to assist my recollection, I have tied knots in all my pocket-handkerchiefs. Wouldn't forget the fixture for a kingdom. Falls on a Thursday.
Fourth Week.—Finished Greek translation of Tennyson's Poems. Very pleased with the result. Must send a copy to dear old Alf. Perhaps it might suggest to him that it would be a graceful compliment in return to translate all my speeches into Latin verse. Dear old friend! There is not another man to whom I would entrust such a task with equal heartiness. He would do it so well. ”

“ MR. PUNCH'S MORAL MUSIC-HALL DRAMAS. No. IV.
Our present example is pure tragedy of the most ambitious kind, and is, perhaps, a little in advance of the taste of a Music-hall audience of the present day. When the fusion between the Theatres and the Music-Halls is complete—when Miss Bessie Bellwood sings "What Cheer, 'Ria?" ”

“ Snaps them, and drinks moodily. The supper proceeds. Conversation everywhere ranges over all kinds of topics,—literature, art, the drama, the political situation, the last Divorce Case. The Amateurs continue to discuss themselves. ”