Various

“ If he has confidence in himself, let him try it. He has gone to BOSTON for a change of air. When he returns to NEW-YORK, let it be for a change of hair. When he succeeds in drawing full houses to see him play HAMLET with raven curls, we shall believe that he is something more than simply a HAMLET—with a yellow wig. ”

“ The ghost of a dead speculation was never so utterly damned, the eyes of a ghost of a dead speculation were never so absolutely dimmed, but that speculation of some kind might be discerned fluttering like a mummy-cloth from the shadowy outline of the former, and gleaming feebly from the gloomy goggles of the latter. ”

“ Every person owning real estate on the Island shall contribute one ninety-ninth part of his income to the said grab-bag. On the following Christmas, in the presence of the grab income-bents of offices, the Inspectors shall proceed to divide the proceeds of these taxable contributions, and one half of these proceeds shall be equally divided among the grab income-bents of offices. The other half shall be devoted to paving every conceivable surface of the city with wooden pavement. ”

“ PUNCHINELLO watches you with interest, (25 per cent.,) as you are weighed down to the very dirt of The Street by the night-fog of Despair, flapping your wings on a very small "margin," as if attempting vainly to "operate for a rise." ”

“ GREELEY in the bar-room of a certain city hotel, dashing down brandy or pouring down whisky, and have next morning perused a Tribune editorial on "The Evils of Intemperance," need not be reminded of the chief source of H.G.'s animated style and vigorous diction. An extended walk along the beautiful avenues of the city, or a drive through Central Park, invariably prepares Mr. GREELEY's mind for the birth of an article on the advantages to young men of leaving the metropolis and seeking homes in the West. ”

“ The Lions and the Lambs lie down together,
While the "Sun" stands still.
The People of the State of New-York, represented by PUNCHINELLO and his troop of admirers, hereby enact:
§ 1. All the offices now provided by law with within the City and County of New-York, shall be put in a grand grab-bag;
§ 2. It shall be the duty of the Commissioners of the Central Park to devote said Park, on the Fourth day of July next, to the erection of poles (or polls) for the purpose of enabling voters to grab from the grab-bag. ”

“ The "dead-beats," heretofore known as policemen and soldiers of the first division, are hereby legislated out of office, and it shall be a felony punishable with assassination for any one to go unarmed with a six-shooter.
§ 16. All provisions of the United States or State constitutions inconsistent with the above provisions are hereby repealed.
From Gertrude of Wyoming.
Because a jury-mast is a makeshift for a lost spar, it does not follow that a jury-woman is a make-shift for any body. In fact, the women who sit upon juries are not the sort of women who personally supply the family linen. ”

“ A New Conglomerate Pavement.
It was well said by a saucy Frenchman, "that England had fifty religions but only one sauce." Paraphrasing this loosely, we may say of New-York, that she has a dozen different pavements and deuce a good one. There was the "Russ," on which the horses used to be "let slide," but couldn't trot; the "Belgian," of dubious repute; the "Nicholson," which, from its material, must have been invented by "Nick of the Woods;" the "Mouse-trap," set to catch other things than mice; the "Fiske," a pavement pitched in altogether too high a key to be pleasant ”

“ A preface is not the place in which to enlarge upon topics of great humanitarian interest, political importance, or social progress. PUNCHINELLO will merely touch a few of such matters, then, and these with a light finger. ”

“ The Amelioration of the condition of the Working Classes is another favorite theme with GREELEY, and, in order to discuss clearly and cogently the many phases and ramifications of this lively and exciting topic, he devotes several hours to the study of "Idleness as a Fine Art." ”

“ The popular delusion that H.G. "knows every thing" is calculated to work indefinite injury to some modest men who are supposed to "know something." GREELEY'S mind, like a camera obscura, may be said to retain its impressions while in the dark, and to lose them when exposed to the light. He has never, to any extent, heeded the scriptural injunction against walking in darkness, which explains why so many Tribune readers are in the dark concerning the truth and justice of popular questions. ”

“ On the general principle that "no one is a hero to his valet," not even a valetudinarian, it may be safely asserted that the divinity that doth hedge most great writers is lost the moment their admirers become acquainted with their habits of thought and methods of composition. ”

“ Why doesn't the daily press look lively, and devise a better pavement than any of these? There's STONE, of the Journal of Commerce; WOOD, of the News; MARBLE, of the World; and BRICK, of the Democrat. Let them put their heads together and give us a good conglomerate. ”

“ The stuffing of the bag will retain the pin in its position until a slight degree of force is used to withdraw it. With the use of this ingenious little contrivance, pins can be kept in safety with the points always hidden and their heads exposed to view. It will be found much more economical and convenient than the plan of carrying pins loose in the pocket, and eventually will be generally adopted, we think. ”

“ All our watches are in hunting cases, Gent's and Ladies' sizes. Chains, $2 to $8.
Also, Jewelry of every kind, equal to gold, at one tenth the price.
"The goods of C.E. Collins & Co. have invariably given satisfaction."—N.Y. Times.
"One of the $20 watches is worn in our office, and we have no hesitation in recommending them."—Pomeroy's Democrat.
TO CLUBS.
Where Six Watches are ordered at one time, we send a Seventh Watch free.
Goods sent by express to all parts of the United States, to be paid for on delivery.
C.E. COLLINS & CO.,
No. 335 Broadway, New York. ”

“ Learn to control finances, if you would fain grow to be good men and contribute hereafter good men to the taxable population. Proceed with your virtuous transactions on 'Change. Never mind each other's toes; they who have corns must not care for being cornered. ”

“ Let other important topics take care of themselves. PUNCHINELLO will only add that he would at any time rather suspend the public plunderers than habeas corpus, and that he means to take the gloss off the grim joke that "Hanging for murder's played out in New-York." ”

“ If he accepted a pitiful drink in return for his official influence, he was guilty of a gross offense in cheapening the price of patronage. A cadetship was worth $500 if it was worth a cent. If, on the other hand, he gave his cadetship away, his conduct was even more culpable; for other congressmen might be weak enough to follow his baleful example, and the market would be broken down. ”

“ He knows all the ins and outs of the place, and has long been disgustingly familiar with its ups and downs. Gently has he dabbled in stocks, and no modern operator is half so conversant an he is with the juggles of the Stock Exchange. ”

“ Erie from its friends, and make it tributary to New-York Central, the printing-press was at work—a fact which he did not discover until he had paid out ten millions. Then the foreigners purchased ream after ream of certificates to control Erie, and to-day their stock is declared not worth a row of pins, owing to the piles of money swallowed by the afflictive suits on the stamped certificates. ”

“ NEW-YORK.
PUNCHINELLO: TERMS TO CLUBS.
WE OFFER AS PREMIUMS FOR CLUBS
FIRST:
DANA BICKFORD'S PATENT FAMILY SPINNER,
The most complete and desirable machine ever yet introduced for spinning purposes.
SECOND:
BICKFORD'S CROCHET AND FANCY WORK MACHINES.
These beautiful little machines are very fascinating, as well as useful; and every lady should have one, as they can make every conceivable kind of crochet or fancy work upon them. ”

“ The bill sets forth that it shall hereafter be a felony for any person to make tender of any thing other than gold and silver to any person of African descent, in any of the States lately in rebellion. ”

“ As it is intended that the mission of PUNCHINELLO shall be extended into all circles of society, that of the family shall not be neglected. Every other weekly journal abounds in wise domestic counsels, apt recipes, cunning plans, and helpful patterns of all sorts ”

“ Paper Covers, 60 cents.
From the New-York Evening Express. "This is truly a charming novel; for half its contents breathe the very odor of the flower it takes as its title."
From the Philadelphia Inquirer. "The author can and does write well; the descriptions of scenery are particularly effective, always graphic, and never overstrained."
D.A. & Co. have just published:
A SEARCH FOR WINTER SUNBEAMS IN THE RIVIERA, CORSICA, ALGIERS, AND SPAIN. By Hon. S.S. Cox. Illustrated. Price, $3. ”

“ It will do to put books upon, to write upon, to iron clothes upon, and for any other purpose where it is considered desirable to support household objects at a distance from the floor. One of its chief advantages is to serve as a receptacle for the food of a family during meals. ”

“ Of all these machines will be sent upon application to this office, and full instructions for working them will be sent to purchasers.
Parties getting up Clubs preferring cash to premiums, may deduct seventy-five cents upon each full subscription sent for four subscribers and upward, and after the first remittance for four subscribers may send single names as they obtain them, deducting the commission.
Remittances should be made in Post-Office Orders, Bank Checks, or Drafts on New-York City; or if these can not be obtained, then by Registered Letters, which any post-master will furnish. ”

“ And only man is vile?"
The Senate would say with CICERO, de non apparentious et non existentibus, eadem est ratio, and they would remember with reference to the revolutionists of Cuba the great saying of Lord BACON, "Put a beggar on horseback, and he will go to the Senate from Massachusetts." ”

“ Directions for shipping machines must be full and explicit, to prevent error. In sending subscriptions give address, with Town, County, and State.
The postage on this paper will be twenty cents per year, payable quarterly in advance, at the place where it is received. Subscribers in the British Provinces will remit twenty cants in addition to subscription.
All communications, remittances, etc., to be addressed to P.O. Box 2783. ”

“ GOLD HUNTING WATCHES.
"Collins Metal," (Improved Oroide.)
These Justly celebrated Watches have, been so thoroughly tested during the last four years, and their reputation for time and as Imitation of Gold Watches is so well established as to require no recommendations. They retain their color; and each on is fully guaranteed by special certificate.
PRICES:
HORIZONTAL WATCHES................ $10
FULL-JEWELED PATENT LEVERS..$13
(Equal in appearance and for time to gold ones costing $150.) ”

“ Price, $6.
To be had of dealers, or from the Publishers, by mail post-paid on receipt of price.
A.S. BARNES & CO.,
111 and 113 William. Street, New-York.
Mercantile Library,
Clinton Hall, Astor Place
New-York.
This is now the largest circulating Library In America, the number of volumes on its shelves being 114,000. About 1000 volumes are added each month; and very large purchases are made of all new and popular works.
Books are delivered at members' residences for five cents each delivery. ”

“ This is the most perfect and complete machine in the world. It knits every thing.
FOURTH:
AMERICAN BUTTONHOLE, OVERSEAMING, AND SEWING-MACHINE.
This great combination machine is the last and greatest improvement on all former machines. No. 1, with finely finished Oiled Walnut Table and Cover, complete, price, $75. No. 2, same machine without the buttonhole parts, etc., price, $60.
WE WILL SEND THE
Family Spinner, price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16. No. 1 Crochet, price, $8, for 4 subscribers and $16. No.2 Crochet, price, $15, for 6 subscribers and $24. No. ”