Various

“ We have learned further that the umbrella carried by DANIEL was a blue
cotton umbrella—undoubtedly the most primitive type of the umbrella.
It is one of this class that your country friend brings down with him, that
darkeneth the heavens as with a canopy and maketh you ashamed of your
company. It is such an umbrella as this that is to be found or might have
been found, in ancient days, in every old farm-house—one that covered the
whole household when it went to church, occupying as much room when closed
as would the tent of an Arab. ”

“ Among the things we can't divine.
Are values of such terms as 'so;'
But I've all items entered straight,
Where all the money goes you'll know."
The dwarf gave one quick savage glance at the pocket of the giant, S.T.
MATE, and then, without a word, he proudly crossed the drawbridge.
But he had not long left the castle at his back ere dejection crept upon
him and never left him more.
The dwarf he did his cellar reach, fainting, almost bereft of speech; and
as his men he staggered by, with panting breast and haggard eye,
"Minstrel!" he cried, "O laggard! I for deepest depths of Lethe long. ”

“ I come to much vain labor save.
If thou to hear me now art willed."
"Proceed," said the dwarf, seating himself upon a piano-stool, and screwing himself up until he was near the ceiling and on a level with the singer's head. The giant proceeded:
"If thou shouldst build thy house thyself,
The cost thou surely ne'er would know;
But if I take the job, my friend.
You'll see where every cent will go."
"I like that," said the dwarf. "Pray sing some more." ”

“ Suffer me, then, briefly to give
you a few hints as to how an audience should behave. I shall charge nothing
for the information, though I am frank to insinuate that it is worth a
deal—of the value, perhaps, of a great deal table.
First. Always take a lady with you to the play. It will please her,
whatever the bother to you. Besides, you will then be talked to. If you
make a mess of it in trying to unravel the plot, she will essentially aid
you in that direction. Nothing like a woman for a plot—especially if you
desire to plunge head foremost into one. ”

“ The present style of the umbrella is varied, and sometimes elegant. The
cover is of silk; the ribs are of steel oftener than of bone, and the
handle is wrought into divers quaint and beautiful shapes. The most common
kind is the hooked umbrella. Most people have hooked umbrellas—or,
if this statement be offensive to any one, we will say that most people
have had umbrellas hooked. The chance resemblance of this expression to one
signifying to obstruct illegally that which properly belongs to another,
reminds us to speak of the singular fact that the umbrella is not property. ”

“ At last the servant came, and he was a new and somewhat weighty waiter youth.
"Ah! big lad—!" then said the dwarf.
"I am glad, good sir," replied the boy.
"I would have the big ladder!" cried his master.
"I can't be gladder," said the boy.
The dwarf looked pityingly down upon the youth for several moments.
"Are you a natural-born fool?" said he. ”

“ Should
not people be willing to accommodate? Of course they should. Prove it by
putting your dripping umbrella against the lady with the nice moire antique
silk. It may ruffle her temper; but that's her business, not yours; she
shouldn't be ridiculous because well dressed.
Fourth. Try and drop your opera-glass half a dozen times of an evening. If
it makes a great racket—as of course it will—and rolls a score of seats
off, hasten at once to obtain possession of the frisky instrument. Let
these little episodes be done at a crisis in the play where the finest
points are being evolved. ”

“ I'll read the play to her instead; if she survives that, she isn't mortal.
Suggestion kindly made to Manager Moss.—Have the fire scene take
place in the first act, and let all the dramatis personae perish in
the flames. Thus shall the audience be spared the vulgar profanity of
STODDART'S "Comic Villain," the absurdity of WALLACK'S "Coram," the twaddle
of HIELD'S "Virtuous Banker," and the impossible imbecility of FISHER'S
"Unprincipled Clerk." Miss GERMON in trowsers, and Miss HENRIQUES in tears,
are very nice; but they do not quite redeem the wretchedness of the play. ”

“ Every body in the audience. "How do you like—Real fire; STODDAHT'S
faces are—Real fire; EFFIE GERMON is—Real fire; Come and take—Real fire;
JIM WALLACK is always at home in—Real fire; There is nothing in the play
but—Real fire."
Misanthropic Critic, to gentlemanly Treasurer. "Can I have two seats
for to-morrow night?"
Treasurer. "All sold, sir. Play draws better than Ours!" ”

“ I do like civilization. The trouble is, neighbors are not always civilized. PUNCHINELLO will be impressed with the fact before becoming a single weekling. The first floor may be ever so nice, quiet, well-dressed, proper folks—but those dreadful musical people in the attic! I hate musical people ”

“ There is nothing lovely about a blue cotton umbrella, though there may have
been under it at times and seasons. Skeletons of the species, much
faded as to color, much weakened as to whalebone, may still be found here
and there in backwoods settlements, where they are known as "umbrells;"
there are but few perfect specimens in existence. ”

“ Evidently he raised the umbrella
on the Ark.
These theories seem to us to be entitled to serious consideration; and
certainly it is a reasonable belief that, as the present suffering from the
high price of clothing is due to the sin of our first parents, so the
umbrella is the curse entailed by royalty, coming in with the First Reign
spoken of in history.
The umbrella appears again in ancient time in connection with DANIEL, who,
it is said, carried one into the lions' den. The authority for this is a
historical painting that has fallen into the hands of an itinerant showman. ”

“ Practice makes perfect, indeed; but practice also makes a great deal of noise. Noise is another of my constitutional dislikes. If these matters must be divided, give me the melody, and whoever else will, may take the noise. ”

“ West-Point and knew something. He understood he played a very fair game of
billiards, and he would be an ornament to the Senate. Let us let him in.
The Senate had already let in REVELS, who had been sent by AMES; and it was
absurd to keep out AMES, who was the master of the REVELS. He considered
that, in the language of a manly sport with which senators were familiar,
he "saw" Senator CONKLING'S puns, and went several better, though he did
not wish to be considered a better himself.
All this time, singular to say, Senator SUMNER remained silent. ”

“ This is important. It rests on judicial decision, and becomes more
important when we remember that by similar decision the negro is property,
and that, therefore, until emancipation, the umbrella was superior to the
negro. The judicial decision cited will be found reported in Vanity
Fair, liber 3, page 265, and was on this wise: A man being arraigned
for stealing an umbrella, pleaded that it rained at the time, and he had no
umbrella. On these grounds he was discharged, and the judge took the
umbrella. ”

“ The minstrel sang:
"O Estimate!
Thy name is great,
MEDUSA's head thou sure must own.
Do as we will,
Thy coming still
Turns all our hard-earned cash to stone."
The dwarf, now sunk in Lethe's mud, did snore ”

“ Anon he mounted in hot haste, and rode unto the giant's castle on the
distant hills. By sundown, the dwarf he saw on the horizon a great blue
mass, the sight of which did move his inmost being.
"It is his castle!" quoth he, and he gave his steed free rein.
The interview was terrible!
All the domestics fled and hid themselves in distant dells.
At last the dwarf, exhausted by vituperation, sank upon the flagstones of
the court-yard. Then folded the giant his arms and sang his song:
"Oh! ”

“ The business of catching impecunious counts, of magnetizing bankrupt
marquises, and of plucking penniless princes, as practised by American
women, appears to absorb all the attention in Rome at present. ”

“ This established the fact that the umbrella was not property that could be
bought, sold, and stolen, but a free gift of the manufacturer to universal
creation. The right of ownership in umbrellas ranked henceforward with our
right to own the American continent, being merely a right by discovery.
(TO BE CONTINUED.)
Depressing for Chicago. ”

“ The ladies are not the only greenbacks that are accepted at sight; and acceptable to it. The bank on which I should like to dwell—do you not guess it?—is the auriferous National. Those musical neighbors-how they do play, though! But, to borrow from Mr. SLANG, my queer neighbor opposite, they have about played out. Our gentlemanly landlord—all landlords are so very gentlemanly, kind, good, and considerate—Mr. ”

“ I hate to show my ankles in ragged
trowsers, but I must." (Shows them. Applause)
Enter Daughter of Comic Villain. "I love the unprincipled clerk; but
there is a sick stranger up-stairs who pokes the fire in a way that I can
hardly resist. Be firm, my heart. ”

“ They had already, in
his friend from Missouri, a representative of the German Flats; and he
submitted that a member from Dutch Gap would be two tonic for the body
politic.
Mr. HOWARD was in favor of the admission of AMES. He considered the
arguments of the last speaker paltry, and his puns beneath contempt. What
difference did it make whether AMES represented Mississippi or not?
Mississippi was disloyal, and didn't deserve to have any representative. ”

“ Young Lady in the Audience. "Isn't EFFIE GERMON perfectly lovely?"
Accompanying Bostonian Youth. "Yes; but you should see RISTORI in
Marie Antoinette. There is a sweetness and light about the great
tragedienne which ——-"
Heavy old Party, to contiguous Young Man. "Don't think much of this;
do you? Now, in TOM PLACIDS's day——" Contiguous and aggrieved Young
Man pleads an engagement and hastily goes out.
ACT II. Scene 1. Virtuous Banker's Villa, Comic Villain,
Unprincipled Clerk, and Wealthy Heroine dining with the Banker. ”

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PUNCHINELLO PUBLISHING COMPANY P. O. Box 2783. No. ”

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