Various

“ There were some people who never grew old (A Voice—"Bully for you, Mr. Punch!") and amongst them he might include his faithful follower, whom they had just unanimously re-elected Member for Barks. He trusted that in the future, his young friend would pursue the course honourably followed by him in the past. ("Hear! Hear!") This was the fourth Parliament to which he had been elected, and he trusted it would not be the last. (Cheers.) He might perhaps allude to a rumour current in the ordinary channels of information, which seemed to point to their friend's transference to another place. ”

“ SIGRID ARNOLDSON is a delightfully boyish scapegrace, giving us just that soupçon of natural awkwardness which a spoilt sunny Southern lad of sixteen, brought up in such mixed society as is represented by Count Almaviva's household, would occasionally show when more than usually "spoony." ”

“ Band strikes up; a party of painted Indians gallop into Arena, uttering little puppy-like barks.
An Artistic Lady (shuddering) . Look at that creature with a raw pink body, and a pea-green face—it's too frightful, and such crude yellows! I wish they could be taught to paint themselves some decent colour!
Her Sister. Really, dear, as far as decency is concerned, I don't exactly see what difference the mere colour would make. ”

“ In the principal streets party flags are waving gaily. In the suburbs every other house is hidden beneath vast posters, setting forth the merits of the rival parties. The Association of Jam-Dealers held a private meeting last night. ”

“ I'm going to try nettle sandwiches on a boy I know at school, who's a beast. I expect it will give him nettle-rash. No more now from
Yours respectfully,
TOMMY.
SIR,—I frequently recommend patients suffering from advanced atrophy to try Nettle Broth. I must say that I am myself nettled, when they reply that they prefer the advanced atrophy. A good counter-irritant in cases of blood-poisoning is a stout holly leaf, eaten raw. In serious cases of collapse, if a patient can be got to consume a cactus or a prickly pear, the stimulative effect is really surprising. ”

“ TUFFAN declared emphatically against the obnoxious strawberry; and the result was that the Association, by an enormous majority, decided to support him. The Liberals were at first much discouraged, but they have now taken heart again. One of their Canvassers, it seems, has succeeded in making himself a persona grata to a lady who occupies the position of under-housemaid in the establishment of the TUFFANS. Through her he obtained an empty pot of strawberry-jam, lately consumed by the TUFFAN family. ”

“ The highest honour ever done to his friend, was the selection of him by the men of Barks to represent them in the Commons House of Parliament. (Renewed cheering.) His fullest pleasure was to retain their confidence and to serve them and posterity to the utmost extent of his power and opportunity. (Disturbance at the rear of the hall; cries of "Put him out!" "Sit on 'is 'ead!") Mr. Punch begged they would do no such thing. It would be sure to give way under pressure. (Laughter.) In conclusion, he begged to thank them for the honour they had done his friend, and he might add, themselves. ”

“ EDOUARD DE RESZKÉ is a magnificent representative of the gloomily-jealous Count, who, having once been the gayest of the gay, still retains something of his old sly-boots character in private. He is always going wrong, and always being in the wrong when found out: a Count quite at a discount, for whom there will perhaps be no rest until he is "par." ”

“ HONEYDEW, the tobacconist, and Ex-President of the Liberal 500, I am disposed to believe in the victory of Mr. PLEDGER; that is to say, unless Mr. TUFFAN should manage to secure a sufficient number of votes to defeat his opponent. ”

“ But, suppose after doing enough to establish her reputation, "Planchette," being feminine and therefore "varium et mutabile semper," should suddenly deceive her followers, as did Zamiel's seventh charmed bullet (which ought always to have been kept up Caspar's sleeve—but Caspar was an idiot) , and the Weird but Larky Sisters who captivated Macbeth?
"Trust her not, she's fooling thee, Beware! Beware!" and Planchette, the little plank, will make more of her followers "plank down" than pick up gold and silver. ”

“ I agree with you that chimney-sweeping is better than diplomacy. However, if he won't help you it can't be helped. I am exceptionally busy just now, but please repeat the purport of your letter after the Election. Who knows I may not be in a better position then than now to assist you,
Yours sincerely,
SOPHT SAWDER.
(In Answer to a Letter about meeting a Duchess.)
MY DEAR MADAM,
Yes, I have the honour of the Duchess's acquaintance. As you say, Her Grace's "at homes" are charming, but of course they are not equal to her dinners. ”

“ A series of questions had, it appears, been addressed to both Candidates. Here they are:—
(1) Will you oppose any attempt to increase the import of foreign jam-stuffs?
(2) Will you support a measure making it compulsory for the London Cooperative Stores to sell only Jam manufactured by the Bunkham Jam-Dealers' Association?
(3) Will you oppose any measure calculated to deprive the rising generation of one of the necessaries of life in the shape of Bunkham Jam? ”

“ The Daughters repudiate with gratifying unanimity any desire to shoot gentlemen on horseback.
A Bloodthirsty Boy (as the hostile Indians attack the train) . Will the Indians scalp anybody, Uncle?
His Uncle. ”

“ He would write—as soon as the new Parliament met.
After the customary votes of thanks had been carried by acclamation, the new Member was hoisted shoulder-high by the enthusiastic mob, and carried off to his country residence, The Kennel, Barks, where he will remain during the Recess.
THE IMPORTANCE OF EXTERNALS.
"BUT WHY DON'T YOU SEND FOR DR. MASHER, AUNT JANE? HE'S THE CLEVEREST DOCTOR IN THE WHOLE COUNTY!"
"OH, MY DEAR, I COULDN'T! HE DRESSES SO IRRELIGIOUSLY!"
Votes and the Man!
"One Man, one Vote!" A fine, fair-sounding plan! ”

“ And will you therefore oppose, by all lawful Parliamentary means, the use of the domestic rod as a punishment for so-called Jam-stealing out of store-room cupboards?
(4) Which do you prefer, gooseberries, raspberries, or strawberries? ”