Various

“ Autolycus pipes ballads; public pockets are his aim;
Rabagas raves of "liberty"; advancement is his game;
And when their dupes aren't looking all these rogues do just the same,
They—wink the other eye! ”

“ Young labour's scant guerdon, cold charity's doles,
The crow-scarer's pittance, the poor-house's aid
All smell of it! Tramping with boots thickly clayed
From brown field or furrow, or lowered at last
In our special six-feet by the sexton up-cast,
We smack of the earth, till we earthy have grown,
Like the mound that Death gives us—best friend—for our own.
We tramp it, we delve it, we plough it, this soil,
And a grave is the final reward of our toil.
Attached? The attachment of love is one thing,
The attachment of profit another. ”

“ If she had any classic leanings, which she has not, her favourite deity would be Mercury, the "winking Cyllenian Argophont" of the Homeric Hymn, the "little cradled rogue," the Apollo-cheating babe, "the lord of those who swindle, house-break, sheep-steal and shop-lift," under whom Autolycus prided himself upon having been "littered." Autolycus's complacent self-gratulation, "How bless'd are we that are not simple men!" would appeal to the heart of the Music-hall votary. "Ha, ha! what a fool Honesty is! ”

“ In the Public Service, too? 'Tis a thing I can't believe.
If I thought we could be moved by the love of power or pelf,
To compete for premier office I should very greatly grieve.
But oh no, oh deary no! I am sure it can't be so.
We don't even "understand it," so of course it isn't true.
When we're called upon to go, each will say, all louting low,
"After you!"
We are not "competitive," like those naughty goddesses
Who poor Paris fluttered so upon Ida's pine-clad peak.
Of his "choice"—through selfishness—that young shepherd made a mess,
But our Shepherd, SALISBURY, will not be so wildly weak ”

“ Whenever any sort of street music commences at either end of your street, turn on, by an apparatus specially arranged in your area, the full force of the above. This will not only overpower your would-be tormentors, but bring every householder in the neighbourhood to his street-door begging you to desist. ”

“ I FIND 'EEM ON MY CHEST OF TROWSERS!"
"AFTER YOU!"
["I am sure I may say, on behalf of all those whose names are mentioned (for the Leadership of the House of Commons) , that we do not understand what selfishness is in the Public Service. Everyone of us would prefer that someone else should hold that high and honourable office."—Sir M. Hicks-Beach at Stockton-on-Tees.]
Eminent official Altruist loquitur:—
Oh, is there such a vice as unholy love of self. ”

“ When the parents of a large family, who do their duty manfully by calling you in about twice a week, and from whom therefore you derive a not inconsiderable proportion of your income, object to have an infant vaccinated at the proper time, because they erroneously consider it to be unfit for the operation, which would you feel inclined to strain—friendship, or the law? ”

“ GHOSTLY COUNSEL.—Prizes are being offered for "Good Ghost Stories." This may mean Stories of Good Ghosts; but supplying the hyphen and supposing that the requirement is for "Good Ghost-stories," then Mr. Punch makes a present of a good title to any sanguine amateur who may compete. Let him call his story, "A Ghost of a Chance." And Mr. Punch wishes he may get it! ”

“ They talk a deal about their "planes of life,"
'Tis plain to me the fitter term were "chisel."
[pg 204]
POPULAR SONGS RE-SUNG: OR, MISS BOWDLER AT THE MUSIC HALLS.
"A nod is as good as a wink to a blind horse," says the old saw, and a wink is no doubt as good as a smile to a purblind ass. ”

“ I propose in your case—presuming of course that you are willing to be under vow for me—to adopt a middle course.
Culch. You are extremely good. And what precise form of—er—penance did you think of?
Miss P. The trial I impose is, that you leave Constance to-morrow—with Mr. PODBURY.
Culch. (firmly) . If you expect me to travel for seven years with him, permit me to mention that I simply cannot do it. My leave expires in three weeks.
Miss P. I mentioned no term, I believe. Long before three weeks are over we shall meet again, and I shall be able to see how you have borne the test. ”

“ If you only knew what he's like when he's nasty, you'd let me off—you would, really. But there, to please you, I'll do it. I'll stand him as long as ever I can—'pon my honour I will. Only you'll make it up to me afterwards, won't you now?
Miss P. I will make no promises—a true knight should expect no reward for his service, Mr. ”

“ Really, it is rather an exciting sensation, having two suitors under vow and doing penance at the same time—and all for my sake! I hope, though, they won't mention it to one another—or to BOB. BOB does not understand these things, and he might— But, after all, there are only two of them. And RUSKIN distinctly says that every girl who is worth anything ought always to have half-a-dozen or so. Two is really quite moderate.
A TOO-ENGAGING MAIDEN'S REPLY. (By Mr. Punch's kind permission.) ”

“ Cannot be said to have made any progress whatever this term, although he has had every effort made with him. His conduct is abominable, noisy and unruly in the extreme."
3. Fair copy to be submitted to the principal; of course, TOMMY had not intended to be overheard when he spoke of the under-master as "Old Pig-face," but this is the result.
"A more idle and utterly worthless boy it has never been my misfortune to teach. Seems to have gone steadily backward all the term. Is most objectionable in his manners, and has no sense of honour." ”

“ Held firmly in front of you, you will find everyone get out of your way. In entering a crowded omnibus or railway carriage, by touching a knob, let the heat generated by the electric current instantly cause the whole to become "red-hot." ”

“ Principal's final copy; it was fortunate that TOMMY happened to remark that he had four cousins who were, perhaps, coming next term. One can't lose four pupils, even if it makes it necessary to write like this.
"A singularly bright and high-spirited boy; a little given to mischief, as all boys are, but quite amenable to discipline. My assistant speaks most highly of his progress this term, and of his general intelligence. He seems well suited by our system. His conduct is, on the whole, admirable. He is truthful and conscientious."
COUPLET BY A CYNIC.
"Poetry does not sell!" ”

“ They will be expected to dispense with all vacations except a week at Christmas, five days at Easter, and a fortnight from the first to the fifteenth of October. They will devote their entire time to the service of the State, both day and night. ”

“ Oh, there are a lot of school-girls, and a woman who dies by degrees of general paralysis. The girls, of course will be all right with—say, Miss EMERY, Miss LINDEN, Miss ALMA MURRAY, and Mrs. KENDAL. But we want two people to play the woman. ”

“ Carry out the notion of an afternoon performance of the Ideal Drama. We have got the moderate guarantee, and the good stock company, and hope to receive the cooperation of the leading artists from other theatres. ”

“ If they do this punctually and diligently, without knocking up, they will be permitted to draw salaries computed at the rate of about one-third of the emoluments received by a third-rate Queen's Counsel; and if they grow lazy, or are incapacitated by illness, they will be rewarded by a number of personal attacks in the London newspapers. ”

“ Applications to be sent to the Lord Chancellor (endorsed "Extra Judges to suppress outside clamour") as early as possible. Every candidate for an appointment will be expected to be as strong as a horse, and as insensible to feeling as the back of a rhinoceros.
Big Drinkers, Moderate Drinkers, and Little Drinkers—this is the Tipple Alliance!
"WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST."—No. 3.WHEN HIS DENTIST WILL SUSPEND OPERATIONS TO TELL HIM FUNNY STORIES. Gilbert à Beckett. BORN, APRIL 7, 1837. DIED, OCT. 15, 1891.
"Wearing the white flower of a blameless life."
TENNYSON.
GILBERT the Good! ”