Various

“ My time and the People's as Member of Parliament."
Now, Burns, be advised; that is bunkum—you know it.
You "must be a Member"? Pooh, pooh, John, I doubt you.
Short answers are best, so Punch answers you, "Stow it.
Stay away, and we'll try for salvation without you."
There's no "must" in the matter. The goose, John, who flaps his
Vain wings, though at first very fearful he may be,
If you face him at once, why, he promptly collapses;
He may hiss as he runs, he won't frighten a baby.
Be warned in good time—why there isn't a man, Sir,
Or at most one or two, whom the universe misses. ”

“ Now, HENRY, you see the kind of idol the poor savages say their prayers to.
Harry (tremulously) . But n-not just before they go to bed, do they, Miss GOOLE?
AMONG THE MUMMIES.
The Uncle. That's King RAMESES' mummy, ETHEL.
Ethel. And what was her name, Uncle?
The Governess (halting before a cast containing a partially unrolled mummy, the spine and thigh of which are exposed to view) . Fancy, HENRY, that's part of an Egyptian who has been dead for thousands of years! Why, you're not frightened, are you? ”

“ And with the Air's sole monarch thus dispute the crown?
Alas! the Eagle stooped; those well-poised pinions
Faltered, and beat the air unevenly;
Nor shall the Bird maintain its proud dominions
If those wings lapse from rhythm, pulse awry. ”

“ There was some shrubbery creeping up the white hill-side that may have been considered artistic, and possibly the great expanse of ocean (when completely free from mist) had to a certain extent a sort of charm. As I looked towards the coast of France I had an excellent view of a steamer, crammed with (presumably) noisy excursionists, coming from Margate. But when I have said this I have nothing more to add, save that you can get from Martin's Mill to St. Margaret's Bay by an omnibus. By catching this conveyance you avoid a tedious walk, which puts you out of temper for the rest of the day. ”

“ Stopping to water the horses in the olden days took much less time, I should imagine, than stopping to supply the engine with water in our own day. Be this as it may, the stoppages had already been considerable, and the Baron was ruminating on the best method of passing his valuable time for the next two hours, when it occurred to him that in his bag he had been carrying about for some time past three books, in the hope that there might occur some opportunity, of which the Baron could avail himself, to peruse these works, and remark upon them for the benefit of the select reading public. ”

“ Pray understand we do not wish to be called Captain, Major, or Colonel, merely to "peacock" before civilians, but because, without official recognition of our true status, we are treated as inferior beings by the youngest subaltern in any battalion to which we may be attached. ”

“ Sightseers discovered drifting languidly along in a state of depression, only tempered by the occasional exercise of the right of every free-born Briton to criticise whenever he fails to understand. The general tone is that of faintly amused and patronising superiority. ”

“ SIMS's Baronet who acts as an amateur detective. The Baron highly recommends this story, as he also does a short tale in Blackwood, for this month, entitled, A Physiologist's Wife, by A. CONAN DOYLE.
The Baron's attention has been turned to five little volumes of Love Tales, English, Irish, Scotch, American, and German. They form a companion set to Weird Tales, published also by PATERSON & Co., and a pocketable size, most useful for travellers. ”

“ He wished it to be distinctly understood that there must be nothing of this, but their candidates must go forth as labour candidates, and labour candidates only. He must know on what terms he must do the dirty work of going to Parliament."—Mr. John Burns at the Trade Union Congress at Liverpool. ”

“ What 'ud be the good o' wings to a bull?
Fiancée (on her defence) . You think you know so much—but it's got a man's 'ed, hain't it? and I know there used to be 'orses with 'alf a man where the 'ed ought to be, because I've seen their pictures—so there!
The I.A. I dunno what you've got where your 'ed ought to be, torking such rot!
IN THE UPPER GALLERIES; ETHNOGRAPHICAL COLLECTION.
A Grim Governess (directing a scared small boy's attention to a particularly hideous mask) . See, HENRY, that's the kind of mask worn by savages! ”

“ Why it seems to be generally ignored I don't know, but in this respect it is a fellow-sufferer with Westgate-on-Sea, whose name is on no sign-post that ever I've seen in the Island of Thanet, though it may by this time figure on some recent maps. The village of "Garlinge," which is on the inland side of the L.C.&D. line, is to be found on every direction-post and on every map, and the fashionable Westgate is, so to speak, nowhere. ”

“ A Practical Man. I dessay it's a fine collection enough, but it's a pity the things ain't more perfect. I should ha' thought, with so many odds and ends and rubbish lying about as is no use to nobody at present, they might ha' used it up in mending some that only requires a arm 'ere, or a leg there, or a 'ed and what not, to make 'em as good as ever. ”