Various

“ ENGLISH AS SHE IS SUNG.
MR. PUNCH, SIR,—If I start a butcher's business, and give my shop the special title of The Welsh Meat Shop, is the great British Public so narrow-minded as to expect me to sell them only Welsh meat, the produce of Welsh farms only? If so, the Public, with all due respect, is a hass. For if I who have to live,—though perhaps others may not see the necessity for my existence,—by my trade, find that the Welsh meat, which the Public had expected to be ready and waiting, is not forthcoming, only one of two things can I do ”

“ We couldn't play the piano, and paint and swim, and go in for chemistry. We were not clever enough, and had to put up with passing a very low standard."
"Thank your lucky stars it was so," exclaimed the chemist, with tears in his eyes, "for your fate is happier than ours. We are all fifth-rate, and can do nothing else. We have no chance against those who have been born to this kind of thing, and we have forgotten how to do your work. ”

“ Through the open-work of the parapet is seen the vast Piazza, with its yellow toy tram-cars, and the small crawling figures which cast inordinately long shadows. All around is a maze of pale brown roofs, and beyond, the green plain blending on the horizon with dove-coloured clouds in a quivering violet haze. ”

“ Can even the blindest military optimist any longer deny that the British Army is a nefarious imposture, when the Minister for War is forced into an ignominious attempt to raise a body of foreign mercenaries by his own personal efforts? ”

“ Then a second young woman recited something or other in German, with an atrocious English accent. And the whole concluded with a lecture upon chemistry (given by a seedy-looking old man) , which was illustrated with some ambitious, but feeble experiments.
On the balance the performance was a bore, and the public were rather pleased than otherwise, when a police constable ordered the troupe "to move on." The poor people gathered together their impedimenta and prepared to obey the officer's behest. It was then that the performers came face to face with the artisans. ”

“ It is felt that a gentleman with the varied experience and capacity indicated by the circumstance (to which we may allude as not involving breach of confidence) , that his name was successively mentioned in connection with the offices, recently vacant, of Postmaster-General, Undersecretary of State for Foreign Affairs, and Leader of the House of Commons, is peculiarly well qualified for the post. ”

“ I was at the performances in your play-house the other evening, and, as I told you at the time, was not at all satisfied with the representation. I informed you that when I had time I would jot down my complaints, and I am now keeping my promise. I don't like the costume of the Tragedy Queen—her heels are too high and why does she wear gloves? The Low Comedian does not make the most of his part. He has to walk about with a band-box. ”

“ Here, then, is an instance of a perfectly indolent man rising higher and higher every year on the ladder of professional advancement. I can only attribute it, my dear LAZINESS, to your beneficent influence, which preserves the great barrister from the weary labours to which his rivals daily submit. ”

“ Just what I should like, seeing Verona with—all together, you know!
Miss T. Then I guess that's fixed. (Aside, to Miss P., who is speechless) . Come, you haven't the heart to go and disappoint my poor Cousin CHARLEY by saying you won't go! He'll be perfectly enchanted to be under vow—unless you've filled up all the vacancies already! (Aloud, to VAN B., as he approaches.) We've persuaded Miss PRENDERGAST to join our party. I hope you feel equal to entertaining her? ”

“ It's my plain duty, and that is, as far as I can tell, the only reason which absolutely prevents me from calling upon that hospitable family. Why need I go through the long list of my pressing duties? I ought to write my article on "Modern Theosophy: A Psychological Parallel," for the next number of The Brain. I ought to visit my dentist; I ought to have my hair cut. ”

“ This Star Artist will be followed by that talented troupe of relatives who for many years have drawn enormous crowds to their performances under the assumed but appropriate name of
THE BOUNDING BROTHERS OF THE SPELLING-BEES.
They will go through their marvellous feats in tossing barrels (bearing on their sides painted letters) , and thus combining amusement with instruction. Their last act will be to keep in simultaneous motion a sufficient number of labelled milk-cans to spell the sentence, "Farewell to all kind friends in front." ”

“ The PRIME MINISTER has, we learn, been much gratified by the receipt of a letter volunteered by one of his colleagues, expressing generous satisfaction at his selection of Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR to the Leadership of the House of Commons. It was the more pleasing as the name of Lord SALISBURY's correspondent had, in Conservative circles, been prominently mentioned in connection with the office. "It is true," the Abounding Baron wrote, "that the public with unerring instinct has looked in another direction. ”

“ As they sauntered along, they came to a group of half-starved, perambulating performers, who were giving an entertainment to a crowd of bystanders. It was not a good programme. First a young woman in rags, played on an old piano, with decent precision, some extremely difficult variations of CHOPIN's Funeral March. She was followed by a man who painted a portrait of a leading statesman indifferently well. ”

“ And if I said "Yes," he would give me Natives. Now I admit I do not ask the Public at the doors Which will you have? because I may not be able to have an English Opera always on tap, so to speak. Metaphors a bit confused, but you know what I mean. ”

“ It is pleasant to have something in one's pocket, even if only a book. As to account-books and diaries—well enter nothing therein but what has been pleasant and profitable, and most diarians who adopt this rule will not find their memoranda overcrowded at the end of the year. ”

“ A respectful cow will no doubt fulfil her engagements honorably. "A double-feeding chaff-cutter" ought to be an acquisition to a fast set on a coach at the Derby, though of course his "double-feeding" powers would have to be amply provided for at luncheon time. ”

“ Miss T. You don't get much further with rather thinking, as a general rule, than if you didn't think at all. But if you're at all anxious to run away the way you did at Bellagio, you needn't be afraid I'll hinder you. ”

“ Instead of the old-fashioned mild weather that had been the constant companion of Christmas for many years, the ground was covered with snow and the river blocked with ice. However, thanks to modern improvements, the artisans had not been impeded in executing their four hours of labour as provided by a recent statute. ”