Various

“ Not mosquitoes. I meant HYPATIA, and the—haw—yaw—TROTTERS.
Culch. How can I tell? (Second silence.) PODBURY! What did I tell you? One's just bitten me—the beast! (He turns on the light, and slaps about frantically) . I say, I can hear him buzzing all over the place!
Podb. So can I hear you buzzing. How the dickens is a fellow to get to sleep while you're playing Punch and Judy in there?
Culch. He's got me on the nose now! There's a lot outside. Just turn off the light, will you? I daren't put my arm out. (To Mosquito.) You brute! (To Podb.) PODBURY, do switch off the light—like a good fellow! ”

“ To satiate a shadowy claim is good. Space forbids quotation of more than one additional sentence from this masterpiece. "Let me conclude by saying, that I trust whoever may succeed me in North-West Wilts will wear ELIJAH's mantle with the same pleasure as I have already done." What that means no man can say. ”

“ Excuse me, old chap, but I just got you in a new light. Those mosquitoes have paid you out for that pastille—by Jove, they have!
Landing-steps entrance of the Hotel. Nine A.M.
Culch. (coming out a little self-consciously, and finding Mr. TROTTER) . Ah, good morning! What are your—er—impressions of Venice, Mr. TROTTER?
Mr. Trotter (thoughtfully) . Well, I'm considerable struck with it, Sir. There's a purrfect freshness and novelty about Vernis that's amusing to a stranger like myself. We've nothing just like this city out West. No, Sir. And how are— (Becomes aware of CULCHARD's appearance.) ”

“ The 'Igher Hedgercation means "savvy"; you size up the world, patter slang,
Hit slick, give what for, and Compulsory Latin and Greek may go 'ang.
That's "modernity," CHARLIE! Style, modesty, taste? Oh, go 'ome and eat coke!
Old STUFFY KNEES wouldn't 'ave tumbled, you bet, to a Music 'All joke.
"Jest fancy a gentleman not knowing Greek!" So a josser named FROUDE
Said some time ago. Oh Gewillikens! Must ha' bin dotty or screwed.
A modern School Master could hopen his hoptics a mossel, you bet;
Greek's corpsed, and them graduate woters will flock to its funeral yet. ”

“ We learn from a reliable source that LORD HENRY BRUCE has intimated to Mr. AKERS-DOUGLAS that, in the event of his being selected to Move or Second the Address at the opening of the New Session, he will appear in Elijah's mantle. It is to be hoped Lord SALISBURY, offended, as he is understood to be, at Lord HENRY's frank criticism, will not ignore this proposal. The House of Commons will be much gratified to find itself relieved from the monotony of the uniform—alternately Militia Colonel and Post-Captain—which mars the success of an interesting ceremonial. ”

“ Podb. More water than ground in a place like this, eh? But I know what you mean—we must be duffers if we don't leave Venice engaged men—which we're not as yet, worse luck!
Culch. No—but we shall be, if we only insist upon being treated seriously.
Podb. She treats me a devilish deal too seriously, my boy. But there, never mind—things will go better now!
SCENE—A double-bedded room in the Grand Hotel, Dandolo, which PODBURY and CULCHARD have to share for the night.
Podb. (from his bed, suspiciously, to CULCHARD, who is setting fire to a small pastille in a soap-dish) . ”

“ Hedgercation is all very proper, purviding it gives yer the pull
Hover parties as don't know the ropes, in a market that's mostly too full;
But this Classick kerriculum's kibosh, Greek plays, Latin verse and all that.
All CAT ULLUS's haitches won't 'elp yer, if Nature 'as built yer a flat!
Though ARRIUS's haspirates rucked, and made Mister CAT ULLUS chi-ike,
He was probably jest such a rattler as poets and prigs never like,
When a chap knows 'is book, piles the ochre, perhaps becomes pal to a Prince,
Lor! it's wonderful 'ow a dropped haitch or two do make the mealy-mouths wince. ”

“ The mosquitoes hev been powerful active makin' alterations in you. Perseverin' and industrious insects, Sir! Me and my darter have been for a loaf round before breakfast. I dunno if you've seen her yet, she's—.
Miss T. (coming out from behind) . Poppa, they've fixed up our breakf— (Sees CULCHARD, and turns away, covering her face) . Don't you turn your head in this direction, Mr. CULCHARD, or I guess I'll expire right away!
Culch. (obeying, wounded) . I confess I did not think a few mosquito-bites would have quite such an effect upon you! ”

“ R.F. MURRAY. His verses are in the Calverley vein, the rhyming and rhythm easy, the jingle pleasant, the lines witty, and the subjects fresh. The local hits will be specially appreciated by St. Andrew's men. Everyone will enjoy "The City of Golf, the Adventures of a Poet." Cantabs especially will sympathise with the humour of "The Delights of Mathematics." "So here's to the poet in the wassail bowl; a Happy New Year and a Murray Christmas to him," says
THE JOVIAL BARON DE BOOK-WORMS. ”

“ Without mortar-board 'ats and black bedgowns, or stuffing my brains till they turn.
To be well in the know is my maxum, but as for "Compulsory Greek,"
Would it give me, I wonder, a hextry "compulsory" two quid a week? ”

“ It's much more than yer conkey old Classicks, for they 'ave about 'ad their day.
You may stuff college ganders with all the compulsory cram as they'll carry,
And then it's yer fly bird as scores off 'em, whether that's ARRIUS or
'ARRY.
Footnote 1: (return)
See article, "'Arry in Rome and London," in last Number of Punch.
DRAWING THE LINE.
Judge. "REMOVE THOSE BARRISTERS. THEY'RE DRAWING!" ”

“ Judge. Well, let's get on. (To Witness.) You say you actually saw the prisoner mix the arsenic with the Madeira?
Witness. I did, m'lud.
Judge. Well, Gentlemen of the Jury, perhaps we had better, as a matter of form, have the prisoner before us. By the bye, where is the prisoner?
Usher (returning) . I believe he's in the dog-box, m'lud. They had to put him there, he was so refractory in the guard's van.
Judge. That shows the advantages of this new way of going Circuit. A dog-box is just the sort of receptacle for a person accused of murder in the first class—I mean in the first degree. ”

“ With haff-a-dozen healthy mosquitoes springing a surprise party on me all night! I should guess so. (Noticing C.'s face.) But what in the land have you been about? Well, if that isn't real tact now! I reckoned I'd been dealt a full hand in spots; but now I've seen you, I guess there's a straight flush against me, and I can just throw up. But you don't play Poker, do you? ”

“ If hissing heard anywhere, up starts the Laughing Jackass and down he comes on the snake, and there's an end of the hissing. Theatrical Managers would do well to cultivate the Laughing Jackasses, and keep a supply always on the premises. ”

“ Havunculus hejus, I reckon, knew wot he was dashed well about.
I say bully for LIBER, and chance it. 'Tain't whether you say Hill or 'Ill,
It's whether you're able to climb it; and that's where the prigs git their pill. ”

“ Culch. (alone, disenchanted) . I could not have believed any amount of bites could have made such a terrible difference in her. She looks positively plain! I do trust they're not permanent, or really—! ”

“ There isn't a hignerent mug, or a mealy-mouthed mutton-faced pump
Who 'as learned 'ow to garsp hout a He-haw! in regular la-di-dah style,
But'll look down on "'ARRY the haitchless," and wrinkle his snout in a smile.
Yah! Haitches ain't heverythink, CHARLIE, no, not by a jugfull they hain't. ”