Various

“ It was not long before I came to the conclusion that men do really mean something by the extraordinary gibberings and chatterings in which they indulge. My first experiment was on a female of the species, with a blue feather in her bonnet. At a sign from me, a young Chimpanzee suddenly and adroitly snatched the bonnet from her head. The sound she uttered was, as nearly as I can put it, wh-oo-w! ending in a shrill scream. I therefore take the oo sound to indicate alarm, or dissatisfaction. ”

“ You say he can scarcely be described as a "trapèze-practising acrobat."
Ed. Well, can he? Does he ever practise on the trapèze?
First Solor. Well, no. But he might if he liked! You see his chief business is to stand at the base of the pyramid, at the apex of which is his smallest and lightest Bounding Brother. But he might use the trapèze, I repeat, if he liked.
Ed. If what I hear is correct—it would have to be a strong one?
First Solor. Certainly—an extra strong one. We don't deny that our client weighs over twenty stone. ”

“ The mischievous young of the Human Species, we have discovered, also have this oo sound, and use it when they wish to frighten us.
The three conclusions which I have drawn from my inquiries are:—
1. That Human Beings understand the sounds they utter to each other, and therefore possess a language, as we do.
2. That Human Beings have, in a very imperfect and rudimentary shape, the faculty of reason.
3. That Apes have descended from Men! In other words, that a Monkey is only a highly-developed and more agile Man. ”

“ Culch. (loftily, as she rises to go in) . Ah, Miss PRENDERGAST, don't lose your faith in human nature! Trust me, it is—er—full of [pg 245] surprises! (Alone.) Now am I an abominable humbug, or what? I swear I felt every word I said, at the time. Curious psychological state to be in. But I'm out of what might have been a very unpleasant mess at all events!
Miss T. (coming upon him from round a corner) . Well, I'm sure, Mr. CULCHARD!
Culch. You are a young lady of naturally strong convictions, I am aware. But what are you so sure of at the present moment? ”

“ I have for some time past paid considerable attention to the sounds uttered by the Human Beings who are permitted to observe our movements, in the wire house which the Proprietor of these gardens has so obligingly placed at our disposal, rent free. ”

“ Why we all feel that we are on the point of dissolution! We know that only a ninth-rate Power has to send a fleet to invade us, and we should have to submit—that we should be absolutely effaced, and be known in future as merely a geographical expression! ”

“ Call our wretched force an Army! Why, to quote a writer, whose letters have been published in our leading journal, "Nobody could tell the Secretary of State for War how a force of forty thousand men, if it had to be supplemented for defensive purposes by Volunteers, could be supplied with ammunition for six weeks." Call our force an Army! ”

“ I have been much assisted in my investigations by the kind help afforded me by the great Anubis Baboon, who has frequently abandoned the consumption of nuts to come and make experiments on our human visitors; the elder members of the Chimpanzee Family have also been most useful, and have often restrained the young of their household from interrupting my inquiries by ill-timed pleasantries. ”

“ If His Imperial Majesty should permit some of IBSEN'S plays to be performed, Ghosts for example, or Hedda Gabler, no doubt most of the dialogue would be given right at the back of the stage, out of ear-shot of the audience. In ordinary dramas the Villain who may have to use strong language, or in farce the Eccentric Comedian who frequently has to utter more or less playfully a meaningless "big big D," would by Imperial command be compelled to "retire up" to deliver himself of the expletive, and then would have to "come down to the front" and continue the stage-business. ”

“ My object has been to discover whether the Human Species, though belonging to a rather low form of animal life, can be said to have anything corresponding to the language which is the recognised means of communicating between Apes. ”

“ He is his own Licenser of plays, and, it may be presumed, collars the fees for doing the official Licenser's work; that is, if there be a department of this nature in the Lord Chamberlain's Office. And His Imperial Highhandedness not only is his own licenser, but is a self-appointed Stage-Manager, for, continues the Figaro, "Il a préscrit que, dans une pièce moderne, LE NOUVEAU MAITRE, une scène un peu violente ne fût pas jouée à l'avant-scène, mais au fond du théâtre." ”

“ Oh, I dare say, ship for ship and gun for gun, we are more powerful than any other nation. But if hostilities broke out, our Fleet would be valueless. We should want every vessel to guard our island shores, and our commerce and colonies would have to shift for themselves. ”

“ At the Alhambra, the Little GEORGIA MAGNET ought to attract thousands. Three heavy swells seated on a chair she can lift, chair and all, so that the little lady's exhibition of power must have a wonderfully elevating effect on all who come within the reach of her influence. At all events, there can be no doubt that her magnetic force will give the Alhambra itself a tremendous lift. ”

“ Upper Storeys of Houses in whose Neighbourhood Charles Dickens resided; Some Tradesmen's Accounts, Receipted and Returned with Thanks, Autographically, to Charles Dickens, &c., &c.
A sad story, picturesquely commenced, and powerfully ended, is RUDYARD KIPLING'S The Light that Failed. But, between these two extremes, the conversations have the deadly fault of being wearisome, and, as to the manner of their conversation, were the Baron compelled to listen to much of it, life would indeed not be worth living. ”

“ He. "THE FACT IS, I NEVER GET ANY WILD FOWL SHOOTING—NEVER!"
She. "OH, THEN YOU OUGHT TO COME DOWN TO OUR NEIGHBOURHOOD IN THE WINTER. IT WOULD JUST SUIT YOU, THERE ARE SUCH A LOT OF GEESE ABOUT—A—A—I MEAN WILD GEESE, OF COURSE!"
THE "EGYPTIAN PET."
["We desire that Egypt should he strong enough of herself to repel all external attack, and to put down all internal disturbance." Lord Salisbury at the Guildhall.]
Professor of the Noble Art of Self-Defence (the "Pet's" Trainer) , loquitur:—
Change in my attitude? ”

“ The World last week sounded a note about the compulsory retirement, by reason of age, from one of the large Revenue Departments, of a gentleman who has the great honour to be the son of "the most distinguished Irishman of this century." ”

“ The Daily News, in its report of the opening of the Food and Cookery Exhibition at the Agricultural Hall, remarks:—
"It will not be the least attractive feature of the exhibition that samples may be tasted at nearly all the stalls. The exhibition includes samples of gas and asbestos stoves and kitchen ranges."
We have brought this announcement under the notice of a friend who knows what's what when he's out to luncheon, and are disappointed at his lack of enthusiasm. ”

“ Praps them as most xcited my reel pitty was the LORD MARE'S six genelmen in their luvly new State liverries, and their bewtifool pink silk stockings a showing of their manly carves, all splashing along through the horful mud, and made crewel fun of by the damp and thortless crowd. The fust reel staggerer was the reel Firemen, about a thowsand on 'em, a marching along as bold as their brass Helmets. ”

“ And I take this occasion to assure all other potentates that I do not propose by any effort of mine to bring wealth to the foreigner. The welfare of the British people is my only care. For them, but for no others, my investments are open ”

“ Then HENED comes upon the scene, and pompously makes an identical announcement as a piece of news! Far be it from us to take advantage of infirmity imposed upon a man by the idiocy of his godfathers and godmothers at his baptism. ”

“ Intelligent Foreigner (politely) . I trust you will forgive me for intruding upon you, but the fact is I am very anxious to obtain a few useful hints for the Government I have the honour to represent. ”

“ Podbury (who has dropped into the chair next to Miss PRENDERGAST and her brother) . BOB, old chap, I'll come in the middle, if you don't mind. I say, this is ripping—no idea of coming across you so soon as this. (Lowering his voice, to Miss P.) Still pegging away at my "penance," you see!
Miss Prend. The pleasure is more than mutual ”

“ I may point with pride to the fact that all the investments recommended by me have prospered, and the list of British millionnaires has been heavily increased. Canadian Boodlers fairly firm, but with a tendency to cross the border-line. ”

“ Gives the requisite information, and returns to his work, until interrupted by Second Solicitor, who has taken the place of the First.
Second Solor. I am afraid this interview is absolutely useless. Our client can accept no apology. ”