F. Anstey

“ Podbury, so you've come along here? That's right! And how do you like Milan? I like the place first-rate—it's a live city, Sir. And I like this old cathedral, too; it's well constructed—they've laid out money on it. I call it real ornamental, all these little figgers they've stuck around—and not two of 'em a pair either. Now, they might have had 'em all alike, and no one any the wiser up so high as this; but it certainly gives it more variety, too, having them different. Well, I'm going up as high as ever I can go. ”

“ Not when the friend was under vow for me too?
Maud. Well, Hypatia Prendergast! And how many admirers do you have around under vow, as a regular thing?
Hyp. There were only those two. Ruskin permits as many as seven at one time.
Maud. That's a vurry liberal allowance, too. I don't see how there'd be sufficient suitors to go round. But maybe each gentleman can be under vow for seven distinct girls, to make things sort of square now?
Hyp. Certainly not. The whole beauty of the idea lies in the unselfish and exclusive devotion of every knight to the same sovereign lady. ”

“ Culch. I am. This gentleman gets off—is it Bacharach or Maintz, Podbury?
Podb. (sulkily) . Neither, as it happens. I'm for Bingen, too, as you won't go anywhere else. Though you did say when we started, that the advantage of travelling like this was that we could go on or stop just as the fancy took us!
Culch. (calmly) . I did, my dear Podbury. But it never occurred to me that the fancy would take you to get tired of a place before you got there! ”

“ Bless you, I'm under vow for her too, my dear boy. Fact!
Culch. That's impossible, and I can prove it. The service she demanded was, that I should leave Constance at once—with you. Do you understand—with you, Podbury!
Podb. (with a prolonged whistle) . My aunt!
Culch. (severely) . You may invoke every female relative you possess in the world, but it won't alter the fact, and that alone ought to convince you——
Podb. Hold on a bit. Wait till you've heard my penance. She told me to cart you off. Now, then! ”

“ Podbury! What did I tell you? One's just bitten me—the beast! (He turns on the light, and slaps about frantically) . I say, I can hear him buzzing all over the place!
Podb. So can I hear you buzzing. How the dickens is a fellow to get to sleep while you're playing Punch and Judy in there?
Culch. He's got me on the nose now! There's a lot outside. Just turn off the light, will you? I daren't put my arm out. (To Mosquito.) You brute! (To Podb.) Podbury, do switch off the light—like a good fellow!
Podb. (dreamily) . Glass up, Gondolier ... stifling in this cab ... drive me ... nearest Doge. ”

“ He's too real independent to share chances with anybody alive.
Culch. How thoroughly she understands me!
Miss T.'s V. And I guess Charley will grow out of the great Amurrcan Novel in time—it's not going ever to grow out of him, anyway!
Culch. (bewildered) . Charley? I don't see why she should mention Van Boodeler now!
Miss T.'s V. I like Charley ever so much, and I'm not going to have him cavort around along with a circus of suitors under vows. So, if I thought there was any chance of—well, say Mr. Culchard——
Miss P.'s V. (indignant) . Maud! how can you? That odious hypocritical creature! ”

“ Miss T. Then, now you're refreshed, I'll tell you what I think about you. (Culchard resigns himself to enthusiasm.) My opinion of you, Mr. Culchard, is that, taking you by and large, you amount to what we Amurrcans describe as "a pretty mean cuss."
Culch. (genuinely surprised) . A mean cuss? Me! Really, this unjustifiable language is most——!
Miss T. Well, I don't just know what your dictionary term would be for a man who goes and vows exclusive devotion to one young lady, while he's waiting for his answer from another, and keeps his head close shut to each about it. ”

“ Culchard (to himself) . No sign of him yet! I do like a man to keep an appointment. If this is the way he begins—I have my doubts whether he is quite the sort of fellow to—but I took the precaution to ask Hugh Rose about him, and Rose said he was the best company in the world, and I couldn't help getting on with him. I don't think Rose would deceive me. And from all I've seen of Podbury, he seems a pleasant fellow enough. What a Babel! All these people bent on pleasure, going to seek it in as many directions—with what success no one can predict. There's an idea for a sonnet there. ”

“ Mosquitoes! It would drive a dragon out. Phew—ah! (Culchard closes the window.) You don't mean to say you're going to shut me up in this infernal reek on a stifling night like this?
Culch. If I didn't, the mosquitoes would come in again.
Podb. Come in? With that pastille doing the young Vesuvius! Do you think a mosquito's a born fool? (He jumps out and opens the window.) I'm not going to be smoked like a wasp's nest, I can tell you! [115]
Culch. (calmly shutting it again, as Podbury returns to bed) . You'll be grateful to me by-and-by. ”

“ Enter Mr. James Podbury, age twenty-six; in a City Office; short, fresh-coloured, jaunty; close-cut dark hair. Not having been to the City to-day, he is wearing light tweeds, and brown boots.
Yes, Sir
Podbury (to himself) . Just nicked it— (looks at clock) —more or less. And he doesn't seem to have turned up yet. Wonder how we shall hit it off together. Hughie Rose said he was a capital good chap—when you [4] once got over his manner. Anyhow, it's a great tip to go abroad with a fellow who knows the ropes. (Suddenly sees Culchard absorbed in his note-book.) So here you are, eh? ”

“ Miss Prendergast! (No reply——louder.) May I take it that you regret having been betrayed into momentary approbation of a miserable piece of flippancy? If so, let me assure you— (Turns round—to discover that he is addressing two little flaxen haired girls in speckled pinafores, who are regarding him open-mouthed. Miss Prendergast and Podbury have disappeared.) Podbury again! He must have planned this—with her! It is too much. ”

“ Jove, here she comes! and yes, there's that beggar Culchard with her! I thought he'd—how the dickens did he manage to——? I see what he's after—thinks he'll cut me out—twice over—but he shan't this time, if I can help it.
Culch. (to Miss Hypatia Prendergast) . No, the Modern Spirit is too earnestly intent upon solving the problems of existence to tolerate humour in its literature. Humour has served a certain purpose in its day, but that day is done, and I for one cannot pretend to regret its decay. ”

“ Miss P. There you betray your ignorance in Art matters. Sketching with me is a pastime, not a serious pursuit. (They go on conversing in a lower tone.) No, please, Mr. Podbury. I'm quite sure he would never——
Podb. (rises; comes up to Culchard, and touches his shoulder) . I say, old chappie——
Culch. (jerking away with temper) . Now, look here, Podbury. I'm not in the mood for any more of your foolery——
Podb. (humbly) . All right, old boy. I wouldn't bother you, only Miss Prendergast wants a figure for her foreground, and I said I'd ask you if you'd keep just as you are for a few minutes. ”

“ Miss T. Poppa, don't you wonder what Charley's doing just now? I'd like to know if he's found any one yet to feel an interest in the great Amurrcan Novel. It's curious how interested people do get in that novel, considering it's none of it written, and never will be. I guess sometimes he makes them believe he means something by it. They don't understand it's only Charley's way!
Miss P. The crush isn't quite so bad now. Mr. Podbury, if you will kindly ask your friend not to hold on to our gondola, we should probably be better able to turn. ”

“ Culchard scribbles in lofty abstraction; Podbury hums; Mr. Cyrus K. Trotter, and his daughter, Maud S. Trotter, come out by the glass door of the Salon de Lecture, and seat themselves at an adjoining table.
Miss Trotter. Well, I guess it's gayer out here, anyway. That Reading Saloon is just about as lively as a burying lot with all the tombs unlet. I want the address of that man who said that Brussels was a second Parrus.
Mr. Trotter. Maybe we ain't been long enough off the cars to jedge yet. Do you feel like putting on your hat and sack, and sorter smellin' round this capital? ”

“ They slip softly down the series of inclined planes, and out to the steps, where they re-embark. As their gondola pushes off, Mr. Trotter and Bob Prendergast appear from the Museum.
Mr. T. Why, land sakes! ain't that Mr. Podbury and Mr. Culchard? Hi! you ain't ever going away? There's my darter and Miss Hypatia around somewhere—They'll be dreadful disappointed to have missed you! ”

“ Scene—Courtyard of the "Grand Hôtel du Lion Belgique et d'Albion," at Brussels. It is just after table d'hôte; Podbury and Culchard are sitting on a covered terrace, with coffee.
Podbury (producing a pipe) . Not such a bad dinner! Expect they'll rook us a lot for it, though. Rather fun, seeing the waiters all troop in with a fresh course, when the proprietor rang his bell. Like a ballet at the Empire—eh?
Culchard (selecting a cigarette) . I'm not in a position to say. I don't affect those places of entertainment myself.
Podb. Oh! Where do you turn in when you want to kick up your heels a bit? ”

“ In—er—obeying your commands, I have learned to know Podbury better—to see in him a sterling nature, more worthy, in some respects, than my own. And I know how deeply [87] he has centred all his hopes upon you, Miss Prendergast. Knowing, seeing that as I—er—do, I feel that—whatever it costs me—I cannot run the risk of wrecking the—er—life's happiness of so good a fellow. ”

“ The question is, whether she means to feel better or not. She is the most tantalizing girl! I don't know what to make of her. Not a single reference, as yet, to that last talk we had at Bingen. I must see if I can't recall it to her memory—if she comes. I'll wait here, on the chance of it—we are not likely to be dis——. Confound it all—Podbury! (with suppressed irritation as Podbury comes up) . Well, do you want anything in particular?
Podb. (cheerfully, as he sits down) . Only the pleasure of your society, old chap. How nicely you do put things! ”