Various

“ THE WRONG OF SEARCH. (A Dream of the British Inquisition.)
The unfortunate foreigner, travel-stained and suffering from the after-glow of a stormy passage, crawled up the gangway and was once more on land. He carried in his hand a portmanteau.
"Have you anything to declare?" asked an official, in a gold-peaked cap and blue frock coat, gruffly.
"Only that your seas are terrible," was the reply. ”

“ Yet it is well at such times for a Prince to conceal his feelings, and, though he be flattened with tedious ceremony, to keep both a cheerful countenance and a pleasant tongue, as of one to whom life offers a succession of the proudest and happiest moments. There is a Prince at this time in being (but his name I shall conceal) , who can often have nothing in his mind but sorrow and depression, so many are his labours and so great is the number of the foundation-stones he lays ”

“ For although the majority of mankind be penurious and apt to hoard their money, and although in their assembly the British make a show of niggardliness, imputing it to themselves for a virtue, nevertheless, if they discern in a Prince such inclinations as they praise in themselves, no nation was ever quicker to blame or decry. ”

“ Believe me, there is nothing to declare! I have some photographic plates—to open them is ruin! I prize my shirts—they are heirlooms—if they are roughly handled I can never wear them again." And the foreigner wrung his hands in his despair.
"If you will not open it," replied the official, unmoved by his eloquent appeal, "we shall detain your luggage."
"But this is barbarous—cruel," continued the foreigner, answering with excitement. "I have been to Constantinople with its mosques, and the Turks have treated me with greater consideration. ”

“ During the succeeding week the entire army of the foe was allowed to land in England, and were immediately victorious. The contract for finding them lodgings in London made somebody's fortune. Within a week England was grovelling in the dust at the feet of her conquerors.
"And are you surprised?" asked a journalist, addressing the greatest tactician of the century. ”

“ So, friends, we must choose a new Leader, and then,
With a Man at our head we shall quit us like men:
We shall always retort with a sting when we're stung,
With the bees in our bonnet, the D's on our tongue. ”

“ Feeling doubtful of the means the Government would have at their command to defend an unprotected town, they had ordered every village on the coast to be surrounded by the most intricate network of bricks and earthworks. And now, in the hour of need, these elaborate preparations were valueless. The troops of the enemy poured into Margate almost without opposition. ”

“ Who is there that hath not the liveliest hope that all prosperity may be confirmed to that beloved country, that she may advance from greatness to greatness, that her kings may be just, her people free and contented. Let your illustrious family, then, still address itself to the work with courage and confidence, that under them Italy may stand forth an example to the nations of the world.
QUEER QUERIES.—QUOTATION WANTED.—Can anybody inform me where this exquisite line occurs—
"Heredity, thou mother of our race!" ”

“ For in the assemblages of the great that shall be gathered in your honour, and in the banquets and receptions wherewith it is customary to overwhelm a Prince, there must often be those surrounding him, and holding converse with him, whose absence would cause him joy rather than sorrow, on account of their exceeding pompous dulness. ”

“ Nevertheless, experience has shown in our times that those Princes who have not pinned themselves up to that excess of truth-speaking, have not alone secured the love of their subjects, but have been held up as patterns of a royal wisdom and virtue. ”

“ For each holds in private that while he himself is generous, the rest are mean and covetous. Therefore, I counsel you let your conduct in the bestowal both of snuff-boxes, which no man at this day uses, and of scarf-pins, which are a delight to many, be so ordered that men may think of you as one that with a true generosity performs such acts as each of them, were he a Prince, would perform as well. ”

“ PUNCH,
OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. Vol. 101. August 1, 1891.
[pg 49]
THE PRINCE. (A Letter from Nicola Puncio Machiavelli to the Most Illustrious Vittorio Emanuele, Son of Umberto, King of Italy.) I.
There never was, nor is at this day, any man in the world who is not either a Prince or not a Prince. ”

“ The Companies' filtering system may not be worth much, but it ought to be able to keep out something under the size of a whale.
HOLIDAY TRAVELLING.—You say that recent disclosures about Railway Bridges have made you nervous. The plan of personally inspecting every bridge your train will pass over on your way to Scotland is an excellent one, if you have time for it. Possibly also, a Railway Manager might agree to put a specially light engine to your train. ”

“ At length they came to the photographic plates—they were removed in a trice from their receptacle, and held up to the light.
"Have you no hearts!" cried the foreigner, his face streaming with tears. "In a moment you have undone the labour of years! ”

“ A Prince should have many uniforms, and wear them with much show and glitter. For it is expected of Princes that before they be weaned they should be Colonels, and should rank as Field-Marshals at a time when other lads still trail themselves to school. ”

“ That very German Emperor of whom I have spoken, won the applause of the multitude by cuirass and helmet, and having donned a British Admiral's uniform, was held of great account amongst a people apt for the rule of the sea. This honour in truth falls not to all; but others, and yourself among the number, may be made Post Captains, and wear a naval dress both with comfort and approbation.
IV.—Of Italy.
Here in the land to which you have come you shall find all men lovers of Italy. ”

“ On the second day of the week, commonly called Saint Monday (which according to the Customs of my Forefathers, I always keep as Holiday) , after having washed myself, and offered up my Morning Devotions at the shrine of Nicotine, I turned over the pages of Bradshaw, with a view to passing the rest of the day in some more or less Rural Retirement.
As I was here confusing myself with the multitudinous Complexities of this recondite Tome, I fell into a profound Contemplation of the Vanity of human Holiday-making ”

“ The British Fleet, by a carefully calculated plan, had disappeared. It was then that the Nation had to depend upon its second line of defence—the Army.
The enemy, although somewhat depressed at the losses they had sustained, attempted to land, and of course were successful. The picked batteries from Woolwich, consisting of the Royal Horse Artillery, opened fire, but without the smallest effect. On the following morning the main force of the enemy appeared in front of Margate, the recently fortified port. ”

“ I will see that the troops have a version that gives the old legend (stolen from us by the English) of "The Song of Sixpence, or a pocketful of Rye-bread," as the real translation.
Rus. Big. A happy thought! The moral is wholesome. The Monarchical principle is advocated in the approved counting out of money and consumption of bread and honey by their Majesties, and the right of life and death is suggested by the pecking off of the nose of the housemaid while employed in hanging out the clothes! ”

“ And we swallow, like Pistol, the odorous leek.
We palter with truth, and we flatter our foes,
And we cringe, and we crawl, and are led by the nose.
We are fools soft of speech, and without any pith,
For we smother our feelings to suit Mr. ”

“ Likewise if there be those who wish to read unto you addresses of loyal welcome, it is not well to flout them publicly by showing signs of sleep; since it is the fashion of municipalities and Mayors to hold themselves to be of high importance, and a wise flattery of this self-deception well becomes you. ”

“ Get out dripping. Guard of train explains that "battery must be rather too strong this morning." Train put on line again. Up we go! Shivery. If I'd known this sort of thing went on, I'd have brought towels.
At Terminus, three-quarters way up, in a bleak and exposed crag, plastered with advertisements. Day not quite so glorious. Fog coming on. Or is it "Scotch mist?" But what has a Scotch mist to do in Wales? Ask engine-driver's opinion. He has none. "Then which is the way up?" Doesn't know. "His way is down." Must speak to Sir E.W. about engine-driver.
Ascent continued. Leads down-hill. ”

“ Don't seem as if we could git along without maple syrup much longer. (Miss TROTTER returns.) You never mean going out without your gums?
Miss T. I guess it's not damp here—any— (To PODBURY.) Now you're going to be Mary, and Father and I have got to be the little lambs and follow you around. ”

“ Been runnin' all over Scotland and England, and kind of looked round Ireland and Wales, and now what we've got to do is to see as much as we can of Germany and Switzerland and It'ly, and get some idea of France before we start home this fall. I guess we're both of us gettin' pretty considerable homesick already. My darter was sayin' to me on'y this evening at table d'hôte, "Father," she sez, "the vurry first thing we'll do when we get [pg 53] home is to go and hev a good square meal of creamed oysters and clams with buckwheat cakes and maple syrup." ”

“ Strange indeed the scene; not thirty Members present whilst the Woluminous WEBB goes all the way back to the Tipperary riots in search of text for dreary observations; then fearsome speeches by FLYNN and P.J. POWER. Some fillip to proceedings when JORDAN rolls in.
JORDAN is Member of Parliament for Clare, as he once or twice incidentally remarked. Evidently much impressed by distinction. House laughs at reiterated claim. The billows of Jordan rise; had no personal objection to Prince ARTHUR, he said, but "as Member of Parliament for Clare" had to complain of him in his official capacity. ”

“ Kaiser (annoyed) . Oh, was it! Then, my friend, perhaps you will be so good (as my relations with the CZAR are strained almost to breaking) , as to station troops on the Russian frontier beyond Cracow.
Emperor (with improvised astonishment) . Why should I do this? It will be most inconvenient. ”

“ And about the troops—have they been warned that they might some day be expected to give a hated alien an enthusiastic reception?
Sub. They have, my Lord. And in anticipation of such an occasion, they have been taught for the last six months how to cheer in a whisper.
Rus. Big. Good! And now to a pleasanter duty. Have you those hundred [pg 51] thousand copies of Punch that were yesterday seized at the frontier? ”

“ The BRAND of 1891 acknowledged to be quite beyond competition.
"OFF TO MASHERLAND.".—Nothing from "GRANDOLPH the Explorer" this week. He's gone to the Diggings.
[pg 50]
RIDING THE PIG.
[Mr. HEALY said he did not deny that after five years of liberal education the present Chief Secretary had greatly improved.... In reply to Mr. BALFOUR's inquiry, whether he could count upon Mr. HEALY's support in a Local Government Bill for Ireland, Mr. HEALY replied, "Certainly!"] ”